Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong that when reading this thread title, I thought first of the McDonalds former governor who surely is having a different Christmas this year than last?

Ok that was wrong. I don't wish I'll will on the McDonald family.

The governor of McDonald's? I don't understand. Do you mean the CEO of McDonald's?

Anonymous wrote:Is it wrong that when reading this thread title, I thought first of the McDonalds former governor who surely is having a different Christmas this year than last?

Ok that was wrong. I don't wish I'll will on the McDonald family.

Is it wrong that when reading this thread title, I thought first of the McDonalds former governor who surely is having a different Christmas this year than last?

Anonymous wrote:

Interesting. I had not seen any mention of abuse on this thread. It sounds like the MIL has poor planning skills in terms of hosting a family holiday meal. Is this the abuse being referred to?

Not every disagreement between two people involves abuse. People can be difficult to get along with without being abusers. The situation described here sounds like one that involves a lot of bad communication and lack of understanding on both sides. Publicly embarrassing someone will not improve the situation, but instead can make it worse.

18:46 - OP here. So as to not copy the long post, I will chime in that MIL has always insisted on hosting, and always insisted that we not bring anything. So one is damned if they do and damned if they do not.
There is absolutely abuse in the family. Their family would keep any therapist more than busy.
Poor planning skills? That is just the start of it. If I were so "overwhelmed" (or whatever one calls it), I certainly would not insist on hosting.
Disagreements? Difficult people? Bad communication? Lack of understanding? Public embarrassment? You have only scratched the surface of what we have been subjected to.

Could you describe the details of what constitutes the abuse in this situation?

It sounds like your MIL wants to host her family in her home but, as she is in her 70s, she is not capable of planning for and providing enough food for the number of guests she has invited. The daughters and DIL have stepped up and brought additional dishes to augment what is available. So far, this sounds similar to the way many families handle holiday meals when the parents are aging.

Many older people prefer to host the younger family members because it is more difficult for the older parents to drive after it gets dark. When the family comes to them, they can enjoy their company for a longer time. That is the reason a lot of older people like to host the holiday in their own home.

There was also some confusion about the start time for the event. Your MIL told you a time and your family showed up at that time, but everyone else was already there and the meal was already over? Why was she telling you a different arrival time than she was telling the other guests? Did you ask her about this? If so, what was the answer?

I am not seeing abuse here, just effects of the aging process. I've had dealings with the elderly and have had the realization that this will happen to all of us. (And yes, when I was very young, I somehow thought aging would only happen to other people!) I try to remember that and I try to treat my elderly relatives in the way I would like my children to treat me someday. I realize now that I had great examples in the way my parents cared for my grandparents as they aged and became less capable and I hope to do the same for my children. It does take a lot of patience and understanding of human frailty.

Disagreements? Difficult people? Bad communication? Lack of understanding? Public embarrassment? You have only scratched the surface of what we have been subjected to.

Other than the public embarrassment, the above don't sound like abuse to me, they just sound like dealing with human beings who are not perfect. The public embarrassment was what you were hoping to submit your MIL to in order to end the problem of not having enough food at her party. Other people have suggested that bringing dishes to contribute would more effectively deal with that particular problem.

Could you describe in more detail the actions that you see as abuse on the part of your MIL? I think people could offer better suggestions if they knew the form of abuse taking place at these holiday meals. The details of the meal situation have been a bit confusing, so if you could describe the timeline in more detail, that would help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not your bitter MIL. I'm also not the only one who questioned your dramatic story and tabloid headline. You wax poetic about dealing with dysfunction, personality disorders and thank those who give you the typical Dr. Phil spiel and disparage those who ask simple questions that you can't answer. How the &%^$ is there no food for you if you bring food? Why would you have to go to McDonalds if you've got a casserole in your backseat? Why do you spend time on the internet making up strange shit? Are you a Scorpio? At least two of these questions are easy to answer in one sentence. Enlighten us oh great story teller.........please????!!!!!

If you are not MIL, what exactly is your problem? A rhetorical question, of course. So what if you don't like the original thread. Don't read it.

Why OP what a quick response! You should make a career out of trolling on the internet, make timeliness your top quality and selling point. Maudlin drama comes in a close second.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm not your bitter MIL. I'm also not the only one who questioned your dramatic story and tabloid headline. You wax poetic about dealing with dysfunction, personality disorders and thank those who give you the typical Dr. Phil spiel and disparage those who ask simple questions that you can't answer. How the &%^$ is there no food for you if you bring food? Why would you have to go to McDonalds if you've got a casserole in your backseat? Why do you spend time on the internet making up strange shit? Are you a Scorpio? At least two of these questions are easy to answer in one sentence. Enlighten us oh great story teller.........please????!!!!!

If you are not MIL, what exactly is your problem? A rhetorical question, of course. So what if you don't like the original thread. Don't read it.

OP, I'm not your bitter MIL. I'm also not the only one who questioned your dramatic story and tabloid headline. You wax poetic about dealing with dysfunction, personality disorders and thank those who give you the typical Dr. Phil spiel and disparage those who ask simple questions that you can't answer. How the &%^$ is there no food for you if you bring food? Why would you have to go to McDonalds if you've got a casserole in your backseat? Why do you spend time on the internet making up strange shit? Are you a Scorpio? At least two of these questions are easy to answer in one sentence. Enlighten us oh great story teller.........please????!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand. OP, if you bring food with you then how is there no food for you when you get there?

OP keeps changing her story. I don't believe any of it.

Signed,

Bitter MIL

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand. OP, if you bring food with you then how is there no food for you when you get there?

OP keeps changing her story. I don't believe any of it.

18:46 - OP here. So as to not copy the long post, I will chime in that MIL has always insisted on hosting, and always insisted that we not bring anything. So one is damned if they do and damned if they do not.

There is absolutely abuse in the family. Their family would keep any therapist more than busy.

Poor planning skills? That is just the start of it. If I were so "overwhelmed" (or whatever one calls it), I certainly would not insist on hosting.

Disagreements? Difficult people? Bad communication? Lack of understanding? Public embarrassment? You have only scratched the surface of what we have been subjected to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If you really insist on going, pack up your own cooler of food, go to there house and eat. If they ask why you did that just say "because as you pointed out, there is nothing left here for us to eat" And continue eating.

OP here. Do you know how many times per week I must say this, at least to myself, if not to my husband? He has some traits of his moms that are definitely insane (not using it by slang, using it literally). Enough that I am concerned for him; not for his safety, but definitely for his well being. Now it is affecting us. This "holiday tradition" is a perfect example. He is agreeing to say something to her. Please, hope it works.

I also like the idea of putting our coats on and going out for food if there is none left. THIS is the type of thing she needs. If she isn't publicly embarrassed, and is able to turn it on us, she feels she has won. This is how she operates. She is extremely underhanded and sneaky, and extremely concerned with appearances. More than I can emphasize. Thank you so much for the productive suggestions! I am finally starting to look forward to Christmas again, after all these years.

It would probably be a happier Christmas for all of you if you just spent the day with your own husband and children in your own home.

In your last post, it sounds as though you would be okay with publicly embarrassing her on Christmas Day in her own home. That's not really what Christmas is about. You would feel bad about it afterward, and what would your children think of their mother humiliating their grandmother? Would that be a good scene for them to remember when they are adults?

It sounds like you have wonderful memories of your own Christmases with your family of origin. Why not try to recreate the good things your family did to make Christmas a happy time for you as a child? Then your own children could grow up to have the kinds of lovely memories that you have.

They would learn that it's ok to stand up for oneself, even to one's relations. Even to one's elders. They'll learn it's ok not to be doormats. It's a very valuable lesson, the earlier learnt, the better.

I think that there is a difference between standing up for oneself and humiliating another person. My mother always stood up for herself with my grandmother in a kind and respectful way. I am glad that I do not have memories of my mother publicly embarrassing my grandmother to teach her a lesson. It would have taught me to be uncaring of the feelings of others and could have had a bad effect on my own future interactions with friends and family members.

I am the poster you're quoting. I'm fed up to my back teeth with all the abuser coddling that goes on in the world. I'll take the abused person's side, thanks.

Interesting. I had not seen any mention of abuse on this thread. It sounds like the MIL has poor planning skills in terms of hosting a family holiday meal. Is this the abuse being referred to?
Not every disagreement between two people involves abuse. People can be difficult to get along with without being abusers. The situation described here sounds like one that involves a lot of bad communication and lack of understanding on both sides. Publicly embarrassing someone will not improve the situation, but instead can make it worse.

Anonymous wrote:She told her daughters to take on a bulk of the food, even thought she (MIL) was supposed to be "hosting".

This is totally normal with older hosts. How old is she? You said she had 50-year-old sons, right? And how many people is she hosting for? When I am 70+ and hosting for 20-30 people (or whatever it might be), I hope that the next generation will help me to host appropriately even if I'm too worn out to do it myself!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:11:37 - OP here. If only DH's brothers would marry! I can dream, can't I?

Hi OP, glad things worked out this year! (I'm one of the PP's with the dsyfunctional family
The fact that your DH's brothers are not yet married is telling, depending on how old they are...

OP here. Oh yes, it is certainly telling! Very receptive of you to notice. MIL is not the best example. God forbid BILs think most women are like that. It would completely explain why they are not yet married at 50. Sadly.

Anonymous wrote:11:37 - OP here. If only DH's brothers would marry! I can dream, can't I?

Hi OP, glad things worked out this year! (I'm one of the PP's with the dsyfunctional family
The fact that your DH's brothers are not yet married is telling, depending on how old they are...

11:37 - OP here. If only DH's brothers would marry! I can dream, can't I?