Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

Almost universally by family members, I noticed. Whenever people get up in arms up about "stranger danger" and the possibility that posting pictures of one's children on facebook will enflame the pedophiles, I just want to scream at them. It's almost guaranteed that the perpetrator of eventual abuse of your kids is ALREADY in your life. Parents should look at the facts, and focus their energies in the right place.

I've posted in other threads about how no other male, except for DH and Grandpa will every be alone with DD. Sorry, I just don't care. The other males in the family can have a relationship with my DD when we're around, but it's just not going to happen. I've been flamed for that point of view, but maybe after reading this thread, people will understand why.

Anonymous wrote:My whole family has rabbits

Maybe they breed like rabbits and rats.

"young adult" is not a defined term. in a lot of instances, it means 12-14 years old. e.g., my niece reads young adult fiction. from the context, it seems to me the PP meant more in that range than in the 18-22 range (i.e., an adult legally, but young). PP can clarify if important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

Nope, not everything is forgivable for everyone. Please don't try to impose your views on others, making them feel worse about an already bad situation.

well, it is a fact that everything is forgivable. but sure, to each their own. personally I think it much easier to heal if you do find it in your heart to forgive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

He was 17 and he knew what he was doing. There are many who were molested as children and they don't become molesters. Imagine the trauma to his sister. I wouldn't speak to him either and I would NEVER have allowed him to be around my children. You are wrong not everything is forgivable. You don;t have to let it ruin your life but I would never have trusted him again. You do what you want.

first, why do you assume he was 17? if that is the case and the sister was much younger, then that is pretty bad. but what if the dad was 12 or 13 at the time? if so, he was a child himself. second, everything is certainly forgivable.

Please read the portion in bold of the first post. Pay special attention to what's in red. It happened when they were young adults, not 12 year olds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

Nope, not everything is forgivable for everyone. Please don't try to impose your views on others, making them feel worse about an already bad situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

He was 17 and he knew what he was doing. There are many who were molested as children and they don't become molesters. Imagine the trauma to his sister. I wouldn't speak to him either and I would NEVER have allowed him to be around my children. You are wrong not everything is forgivable. You don;t have to let it ruin your life but I would never have trusted him again. You do what you want.

first, why do you assume he was 17? if that is the case and the sister was much younger, then that is pretty bad. but what if the dad was 12 or 13 at the time? if so, he was a child himself. second, everything is certainly forgivable.

My mistake, PP was 17 when she was told of this. I don't really care how old he ws. I care about the trauma to his sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

He was 17 and he knew what he was doing. There are many who were molested as children and they don't become molesters. Imagine the trauma to his sister. I wouldn't speak to him either and I would NEVER have allowed him to be around my children. You are wrong not everything is forgivable. You don;t have to let it ruin your life but I would never have trusted him again. You do what you want.

first, why do you assume he was 17? if that is the case and the sister was much younger, then that is pretty bad. but what if the dad was 12 or 13 at the time? if so, he was a child himself. second, everything is certainly forgivable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

He was 17 and he knew what he was doing. There are many who were molested as children and they don't become molesters. Imagine the trauma to his sister. I wouldn't speak to him either and I would NEVER have allowed him to be around my children. You are wrong not everything is forgivable. You don;t have to let it ruin your life but I would never have trusted him again. You do what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad molested his sister when they were young adults. He told me when I was about 17 because I saw her be really mean to him one day and he felt like he had to tell me why she was so angry with him. It changed my view of him forever.

It is pretty unforgivable.

everything is forgivable, especially if it was something that happened when the offender was a child himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:23 -- please be less vague so we know the appropriate measures to take. How can we protect our kids? Thank you.

I dunno. But I'm pretty sure that a lot of energies are misdirected.

As a PP just noted, LISTENING to your kids is huge. If your child doesn't like Uncle Gary, don't make her play with him just because he seems to love kids so much. If you have knowledge or even suspicion of any prior misdeeds, watch your kid like a hawk around that person. I find that it's not black and white; that sometimes we might not be sure enough of our suspicions to rock the family boat with an accusation, but we can still be vigilant. And of course talk talk talk to your child about what is appropriate and what is not. It's so easy for children to convince one another of something, where the parents have left an information vacuum. Make sure your kid knows that no one is allowed to touch him without mom/dad in the room; that she won't get in trouble for "telling" after the fact; that anything that makes her uncomfortable is NOT "normal"; that he has the final say about his body. Etc. Perhaps victims of molestation could tell us how the adult in their life got away with it-- what was said or done to make the child submit-- and that would help other parents formulate the lessons to help their children protect themselves.

Listening and BELIEVING. My mother died when I was very young but my father wanted us to know her family and my sister I would would spend a month with them in the summer. My sister was pretty well developed by the time she was 13 and she later told me that our Great uncle, with whom we stayed, used to chsse her around trying to fondle her breasts. I always wondered why she had me stay with her when she went to the bathroom or took a bath (no lock on bathroom door) and why she always put a chair under the doorknob when we went to bed.

I was 6 years younger than my sister and the summer I was 7, this same uncle took me to the apple orchard, ostensibly so the cook would bake an apple pie, and he unzipped his pants and exposed his penis. He told me to lick it like it was an ice cream cone and he would buy me a strawberry ice crea cone later that day, but it was a secret and I couldn't tell anyone. I looked at him and said, "that's nasty." and ran back to the house. It was Sunday dinner and in the South there were always tons of people there for dinner (dinner was served in middle of day, breakfast, dinner, supper) and my father was there. I came running in and said, "Daddy, Uncle Iverson is nasty because he pulled out his 'tinkle' and told me to lick it like it was an ice cream cone." Without hesitating, my father stood up, he was in the the military and was wearing his uniform tht day, and looked at my Great Aunt and said, "Miss Betty, I would like to see you and Mr. Iverson, alone, please." about five minutes later, he came back and went into the kitchen and asked cook to pack our things. I had another great uncle who lived up the road (this was in the country) and after that incident we would spend our month in the summer with them. After my sister graduated from high school and was in college, she always had a summer job and didn't have to go there in the summer. My two female cousins and I were the same age and the only way I was allowed to visit Aunt Betty was with them and I could arrive no earlier than 11:00 a.m. and had to leave no later than 2:00 p.m. when Cook left and my great aunt took a nap.

Thank heavens, my father believed me and acted immediately. I have no doubt that he molested other chldren and even though there were other people who heard me, some of them said I was "imagining" things and years later told me that I should be ashamed because I had hurt the reputation of my great uncle.

14:13 here, my parents are now "pillars of the community" highly involved leaders in their church, spend lots of time and money on various missionary projects, helping the needy, drug addicted, etc. Makes me sick and is maybe why I'm an atheist.

Anonymous wrote:12:18 back again.

My mother never let me play with her SIL's male cousin, who used to invite SIL's daughter all the time, as they all lived close to one another on the same property - she never explained it, but I understood as a teen that she feared he might be a molester. One day during those years, I learned that the SIL's cousin in question had been booted from SIL's property and told never to come back.

I have never dared discuss this with anyone in my family.

a good example of a parent that was paying attention.

As pp said, the key to keeping your child safe is talk to them about what is and isn't appropriate, LISTEN to your kids and if someone gives you an uneasy feeling, trust your instincts and watch them like a hawk!

When I was about 8 or 9 a stranger called our house and asked for my parents but when I was about to hand the phone over to my mom, he said he had actually called for me and proceeded to tell me in detail what he was doing to me sexually. I tried to hang up but he told me he knew where I lived and that he'd come to my house. When I finally did get off the phone, my mom asked who it was and when I said I didn't know, she SCREAMED at me. Of course I was too scared to tell her what the conversation was about so I made up some story. This is an example of what NOT to do if you want your kids to talk to you. Oh, my mom also physically abused me, though she flat out denies it now.

Another secret that I have, I'm not sure if it really happened or if I dreamed it. I was probably 4 and in pre-K. At the end of the day all the kids would play in the school yard while waiting for their parents to come and pick them up. One of the male teachers or playground supervisors cornered me and asked me if I had wet my pants (I hadn't) then he asked to see. He lifted up my skirt and pulled down my underwear. I don't know if he did anything else because that's all I can remember. If it had happened, I never said anything to my parents probably because I thought I would get beaten-which happened quite frequently.

My mom once beat me with a wire hanger when I was 3 or 4 because I threw my breakfast in the trash.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad to hear about how many of us were sexually abused as children.

Almost universally by family members, I noticed. Whenever people get up in arms up about "stranger danger" and the possibility that posting pictures of one's children on facebook will enflame the pedophiles, I just want to scream at them. It's almost guaranteed that the perpetrator of eventual abuse of your kids is ALREADY in your life. Parents should look at the facts, and focus their energies in the right place.

True. It's also alarming how many mothers don't believe their daughters. Fucking do something!!!

If DD told me that a family member was touching her inappropriately you can be sure I will do something about it.

This is a very interesting point. What do you think it is that makes these moms keep quiet? Why do they feel shame?

When I was about 19 or 20, I had 3 separate occasions of flashers (one very scary in a multi-storey carpark - he followed me for quite some time and showed his wears several times) and one phone stalker who eventually threatened to "get me". I lived with my mom at the time. She behaved as if this was kind of normal and as if I was bringing it on myself by, perhaps, dressing provocatively or something. I vowed that I would call the police immediately if my DD at any age told me she experienced something like that. My mom never even suggested reporting the incidences. But what interests me the most now is how she was thinking. I can't really bear to ask her now.

Do you think it's a generational/cultural thing? I feel like there are a certain group (or type?) of person-my parents included that would assume that if you were sexually harassed, you brought it on yourself. There was a flasher that liked to hang outside my middle school that I had encountered a few times. This was an all girls Catholic school and none of the (female) teachers did anything but tell us to ignore him. The only thing we did to "provoke" him was being girls in school uniforms. I guess something was eventually done because he stopped coming around after a couple weeks.

12:18 back again.

My mother never let me play with her SIL's male cousin, who used to invite SIL's daughter all the time, as they all lived close to one another on the same property - she never explained it, but I understood as a teen that she feared he might be a molester. One day during those years, I learned that the SIL's cousin in question had been booted from SIL's property and told never to come back.

I have never dared discuss this with anyone in my family.