Anonymous wrote:I strongly suspect that a major reason for this divorce is that dad is very ocd about health eating and has long felt that the mom eats crap and spoils the daughter. Both parents seem to be reacting the disfunction that led to the divorce with the teen daughter as the battlefield here. I feel bad for her because she’s not being well served by either parent here. But if this was baseball arbitration and I had to pick one side or the other I’d pick the moms because spoiling the daughter seems better than tacitly communicating that you care more about winning the fight with her mom than about what would make her feel more comfortable in your home.

My advice for the mom is sorry but you should no way go to his house to cook dinner — you can show your daughter how to cook and maybe send her with a half dozen muffins for breakfast. Maybe she can find some recipes for how to cook vegetables in a more appetizing way than however he is doing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 17, a junior in high school, so very busy. I make her breakfast every morning—sometimes hot, sometimes cold. If it's cold, I still get everything ready for her: toast the bread, spread the butter, pour the cereal, etc. Yes, she's an only child.

For lunch, sometimes she just wants a snack, so I put that together for her. Other days she wants a hot lunch, and I make it and have it ready when she leaves. She eats dinner with the family, and I make sure she's fed every night. I also don't purposely make foods I know she doesn't like.

If she's hungry during the day, I'll get a snack ready for her, and I usually have one waiting when she gets home. I also pack extra things for her when needed. I don't see any problem with this. She's a child, and I'm her mother. Taking care of her doesn't mean she "needs to grow up." She doesn't. And before anyone assumes I'm a SAHM, I'm not—though there's absolutely nothing wrong with being one.

People truly need to stop judging.

But you're judging Dad for also providing food, just different food.

You don't get to not get judged for your indulging and Dad gets judged for his boundaries. Not how it works.

Dad’s “boundaries” are being a d bag who purposely makes food his daughter doesn’t like. What a loser.

Anonymous wrote:I find the responses saying some people see providing food for your kid as an act of care and love and some just don't as...kind of crazy making! Not EVERY bite has to be lovingly prepared and served hot and to a kid's tastes. People who eat cold breakfasts and quick lunches themselves aren't less caring parents. They just don't see every meal as a big event.

I sometimes make veggie muffins for them to eat in the mornings, or help them pour a bowl of cereal. I don't love them any less because I don't make them pancakes, eggs, and bacon DAILY. They get cold sandwiches for school lunches. Hot breakfasts and lunches are squarely a weekend treat in my book, I was raised that way and never thought it meant my SAHM didn't love me. I was also fixing my own breakfasts by high school.

I also think OP is letting her daughter be way too precious about dinners. She thinks vegetable based meals are "disgusting," really? The dad is making what sound like home cooked and healthy meals and instead of being scolded for calling them disgusting, the dad is at fault? My kids would also love to eat pasta, pizza, and meat for dinner every night! But guess what, we often cook Asian food involving mainly tofu and vegetables, or occasionally fish. They often won't eat it, one kid won't even eat plain rice. They can have plain bread, yogurt, and fruit to keep from going hungry, or if they're lucky they can have a bowl of microwaved leftovers if there's something in the fridge, but I'm absolutely not cooking chicken because they won't eat tofu, or allowing "vegetables are disgusting" to keep us from serving vegetables. Being an athlete isn't an excuse, she's not being starved, she's just picky!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

You seem to have fairly rigid ideas about what “counts” as breakfast. Your kid can also use the microwave at her dad’s house to warm up food so she can have the “hot meal” you insist she needs.

You seem weird. It also sounds like your daughter may be dealing with learned helplessness, probably as a result of you doing everything for her.

Then teen aged athlete needs to grow up. What does she think is going to happen when she is older and mommy doesn't make all her meals?

What does being an athlete have to do with things OP? She won’t get far as an athlete if she can’t prepare her own food. Ridiculous! I have a teen athlete who is playing his sport in college. He makes meals. When he gets to college, the coaches will expect him to be independent. His school is small and the dining hall may be closed by the time he returns from practices and games so he will have to figure things out. And he will need to suck it up and eat what is served in the dining hall whenever possible. He won’t have the money to turn his nose up at the options. My SIL catered to my niece like this, OP. When she went to college, she made a big deal that she couldn’t eat in the dining hall so SIL was making her dinners and bringing them to campus at least once a week. And she was paying for her to dine out even though she had a meal plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

You seem to have fairly rigid ideas about what “counts” as breakfast. Your kid can also use the microwave at her dad’s house to warm up food so she can have the “hot meal” you insist she needs.

You seem weird. It also sounds like your daughter may be dealing with learned helplessness, probably as a result of you doing everything for her.

Then teen aged athlete needs to grow up. What does she think is going to happen when she is older and mommy doesn't make all her meals?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 17, a junior in high school, so very busy. I make her breakfast every morning—sometimes hot, sometimes cold. If it's cold, I still get everything ready for her: toast the bread, spread the butter, pour the cereal, etc. Yes, she's an only child.

For lunch, sometimes she just wants a snack, so I put that together for her. Other days she wants a hot lunch, and I make it and have it ready when she leaves. She eats dinner with the family, and I make sure she's fed every night. I also don't purposely make foods I know she doesn't like.

If she's hungry during the day, I'll get a snack ready for her, and I usually have one waiting when she gets home. I also pack extra things for her when needed. I don't see any problem with this. She's a child, and I'm her mother. Taking care of her doesn't mean she "needs to grow up." She doesn't. And before anyone assumes I'm a SAHM, I'm not—though there's absolutely nothing wrong with being one.

People truly need to stop judging.

But you're judging Dad for also providing food, just different food.

You don't get to not get judged for your indulging and Dad gets judged for his boundaries. Not how it works.

Dad’s “boundaries” are being a d bag who purposely makes food his daughter doesn’t like. What a loser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 17, a junior in high school, so very busy. I make her breakfast every morning—sometimes hot, sometimes cold. If it's cold, I still get everything ready for her: toast the bread, spread the butter, pour the cereal, etc. Yes, she's an only child.

For lunch, sometimes she just wants a snack, so I put that together for her. Other days she wants a hot lunch, and I make it and have it ready when she leaves. She eats dinner with the family, and I make sure she's fed every night. I also don't purposely make foods I know she doesn't like.

If she's hungry during the day, I'll get a snack ready for her, and I usually have one waiting when she gets home. I also pack extra things for her when needed. I don't see any problem with this. She's a child, and I'm her mother. Taking care of her doesn't mean she "needs to grow up." She doesn't. And before anyone assumes I'm a SAHM, I'm not—though there's absolutely nothing wrong with being one.

People truly need to stop judging.

But you're judging Dad for also providing food, just different food.

You don't get to not get judged for your indulging and Dad gets judged for his boundaries. Not how it works.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 17, a junior in high school, so very busy. I make her breakfast every morning—sometimes hot, sometimes cold. If it's cold, I still get everything ready for her: toast the bread, spread the butter, pour the cereal, etc. Yes, she's an only child.

For lunch, sometimes she just wants a snack, so I put that together for her. Other days she wants a hot lunch, and I make it and have it ready when she leaves. She eats dinner with the family, and I make sure she's fed every night. I also don't purposely make foods I know she doesn't like.

If she's hungry during the day, I'll get a snack ready for her, and I usually have one waiting when she gets home. I also pack extra things for her when needed. I don't see any problem with this. She's a child, and I'm her mother. Taking care of her doesn't mean she "needs to grow up." She doesn't. And before anyone assumes I'm a SAHM, I'm not—though there's absolutely nothing wrong with being one.

People truly need to stop judging.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is 17, a junior in high school, so very busy. I make her breakfast every morning—sometimes hot, sometimes cold. If it's cold, I still get everything ready for her: toast the bread, spread the butter, pour the cereal, etc. Yes, she's an only child.

For lunch, sometimes she just wants a snack, so I put that together for her. Other days she wants a hot lunch, and I make it and have it ready when she leaves. She eats dinner with the family, and I make sure she's fed every night. I also don't purposely make foods I know she doesn't like.

If she's hungry during the day, I'll get a snack ready for her, and I usually have one waiting when she gets home. I also pack extra things for her when needed. I don't see any problem with this. She's a child, and I'm her mother. Taking care of her doesn't mean she "needs to grow up." She doesn't. And before anyone assumes I'm a SAHM, I'm not—though there's absolutely nothing wrong with being one.

People truly need to stop judging.

Anonymous wrote:The funny thing is books for picky toddlers literally tell you not to offer alternative meals and just serve what mom and dad are eating.

But somehow when the kids are 17 we're supposed to be catering?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I wonder about - the divide between people who think a sandwich is an ok meal and those who think a meal has to be "hot" to count as a meal. Is that a cultural thing? I'm an italian american and I'd prefer not to eat a sandwich for every single meal, but I'd certainly count it as a "real" meal.

I think it’s more the divide between people who see the provision of food as an expression of care/love versus those who do not. Clearly the girl can make herself a sandwich and will not starve. But many people view a parents role as a bit more than that. It’s fine to sometimes have a meal your child doesn’t like and to say “okay, make yourself something else.” To do it regularly seems like he’s communicating something, either intentionally or not.

YES this is exactly right.