Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

+ 100
This is it right here. And it is the truth. The amount of time and energy it takes to plan a big event is never discussed as being too much, is it? But when it comes to anything beyond the me-me-me-centric aspect of weddings, it is "ridiculous" and "unpaid labor" to write a thank you note. And I don't care who writes the note - bride or groom - but if the happy couple is willing to receive gifts than they should be willing to show their gratitude in a traditional way as well.

The couple spends all this time planning the wedding and then invites you to join them and pays for your participation by providing you food and beverages and entertainment. For that you give them a gift. Then you want a card. Why don’t you see your gift as the thank you for being invited to the wedding and eating and drinking and dancing for free?

What? PP has it wrong or has not been gifting enough. I was raised that a wedding gift should more than cover the per person cost of each person invited and attending a wedding. So if the dinner is $135 per person my husband and I should at least gift $300 although we always gift significantly more than that.

Nothing is for free PP and if you are not gifting the bride and groom enough to cover your plate(s) shame on you.

Um, how do you know how much your plate is? If I get invited to a wedding I’d give a very generous gift AND NOT EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. You’re missing the entire point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

+ 100
This is it right here. And it is the truth. The amount of time and energy it takes to plan a big event is never discussed as being too much, is it? But when it comes to anything beyond the me-me-me-centric aspect of weddings, it is "ridiculous" and "unpaid labor" to write a thank you note. And I don't care who writes the note - bride or groom - but if the happy couple is willing to receive gifts than they should be willing to show their gratitude in a traditional way as well.

The couple spends all this time planning the wedding and then invites you to join them and pays for your participation by providing you food and beverages and entertainment. For that you give them a gift. Then you want a card. Why don’t you see your gift as the thank you for being invited to the wedding and eating and drinking and dancing for free?

What? PP has it wrong or has not been gifting enough. I was raised that a wedding gift should more than cover the per person cost of each person invited and attending a wedding. So if the dinner is $135 per person my husband and I should at least gift $300 although we always gift significantly more than that.

Nothing is for free PP and if you are not gifting the bride and groom enough to cover your plate(s) shame on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

+ 100
This is it right here. And it is the truth. The amount of time and energy it takes to plan a big event is never discussed as being too much, is it? But when it comes to anything beyond the me-me-me-centric aspect of weddings, it is "ridiculous" and "unpaid labor" to write a thank you note. And I don't care who writes the note - bride or groom - but if the happy couple is willing to receive gifts than they should be willing to show their gratitude in a traditional way as well.

The couple spends all this time planning the wedding and then invites you to join them and pays for your participation by providing you food and beverages and entertainment. For that you give them a gift. Then you want a card. Why don’t you see your gift as the thank you for being invited to the wedding and eating and drinking and dancing for free?

What? PP has it wrong or has not been gifting enough. I was raised that a wedding gift should more than cover the per person cost of each person invited and attending a wedding. So if the dinner is $135 per person my husband and I should at least gift $300 although we always gift significantly more than that.

Nothing is for free PP and if you are not gifting the bride and groom enough to cover your plate(s) shame on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

AMEN! Why should thank you notes require little time? It takes a lot of time to pick out a gift and attend an event.