How are things going, OP?

Anonymous wrote:Intervention. Get yours and his parents, clergy, siblings or close friends involved.

This will not help, it’s not as simple as getting him to go to an in patient rehab.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened Op? Update?

No.

😩

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affair. He doesn’t want to get divorced right now bc he’s not sure if the affair will last. He will only leave you when he has someone else lined up and ready to take your place.

⬆️ BTW has anyone ever returned to one of these threads or posted an update to say "BTW turns out it WAS a brain tumor!!!"??

Threads, no, but I actually do know one couple where it turned out to be a brain tumor (not found until after they were divorcing). But you know what I know many, many more of? Couples where it was an affair.

Horses, not zebras.

Statistically tumors are rare, sure. But depression isnt. Ive seen both those things create dramatic personality changes.

No one here actually knows OP or her DH, so the level of rock solid, 100 percent certainty that He. Is. Cheating. is almost comically arrogant. Whenever a change is a dramatic overnight alteration like OP describes, it's stupid of the spouse to leap to assumptions, but that's what people here want her to do. Of course she needs to get the financial info, check his phone etc. etc. because cheating is possible. But if that's not the issue after all, and she's set a divirce in motion after six weeks of his checking out? That would be handing power over to strangers who insisted she should ignore other possibilities because it can only be cheating.

Did you even read the question I was responding to? Because it seems like you didn’t, in your rush to jump on your high horse.

Oh, and you know what’s VERY rare as a symptom of depression severe enough to make a person move into the basement, sleep alone and do a complete personality 180? Starting to work out every day when they didn’t before. Very, very rare.

Anonymous wrote:What happened Op? Update?

No.

Anonymous wrote:What happened Op? Update?

+1

What happened Op? Update?

Intervention. Get yours and his parents, clergy, siblings or close friends involved.

Anonymous wrote:I understand why men would be uninterested in their wives when having an affair…but why the kids?! Anyone know?

My own DH is doing this as well. I think he is depressed but I suppose an affair is possible. But mine also went from “superdad” to resentful dad who avoids the kids.

Because the affair partner is not interested in the kids and this person trumps everyone and because it's hard to separate the kids from you. So they lump the kids in with you and don't know how to see then as separate.

After watching Chris Watts murder his family for an affair, I would never try to tie down a man who wants to have an affair. Too dangerous for me and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 years and three kids in and it’s like a flip switched.

Always a loving, devoted and present husband and father and within months he has done a 180.

He seems fed up with us all. I figured it was stress from new job. Cut him some slack and picked up more responsibilities around the house and with parenting.

He doesn’t want to be around us. He doesn’t parent. He sleeps in the basement.

Yes, I thought he may be having an affair. He denies. We started therapy. I gave him so many outs. If he wants a divorce and is that unhappy so be it but his disinterest in his kids is killing me and them.

How does a man go from being the picture perfect involved father to ignoring them at night when they ask for a bedtime story?

Affair and lying about it

Autism

Work addict and perfectionist

Poor father role model growing up

Not marriage or father material

Acute depression due to new job or chronic depression due to underlying mental disorder(s)

All of this. Often they can only put up the facade for so long or by midlife their wants change. Ive seen women go through this too. Stay at home moms just up and leave their family. There are so many ways to get burner phones, hide apps etc. The amount of affair apps is austounding. Mine was a closeted gay and had no less than 10 hidden gay dating apps on his many phones. After one reveal and some understanding what was going it shouldbe enough to tell you. I wish I had realized that the separate bedroom thing was because he wanted time to have online sex talks and searches. He told me he was trying to help me because he snored. Oh well. At least I got some sleep and financial help those 2 years. It's over now and he's still checked out of the family. It had nothing to do with me. Honestly if I had just known and accepted how it was, it would have been ok just having him at the house, driving kids, and contributing money while being checked out of the family. It was the devaluing at home and the fake behavior among friends and family and my kids that I couldn't deal with but now that I know its common, I would have used him like he used me for longer. He also was hiding money. Be careful of your bank accounts.

Since your top priority seems to be getting your husband to recommit to his fatherly duties, there's an extreme option you could consider. First, find out if he's having an affair and with whom. If he is indeed having one, try to get the AP to dump him. Perhaps hire a PI to get incriminating photos of the two of them together. If she has a partner, anonymously send him the photos. If she's a coworker of his, anonymously contact her boss or coworkers about the affair. She might end things if she thinks someone is onto her trail and she has a lot to lose.

Is there an update, OP?

It sounds like he has met someone else.

If not - perhaps a midlife crisis.

Whatever the reason there is no excuse for him to shirk away his responsibilities >> especially as a Father.

Perhaps counseling would help things but you may be forced to issue him an ultimatum at this point.

So sorry things are this way now. 💔

Op, quit playing divorce chicken with him by challenging him to make the move to divorce. Why give him that power? He's lazy and has no interest in truly being on his own. You're going to have to drive this train. File and tell him he must leave.

Anonymous wrote:OP, he is unlikely to return to being a decent father and he doesn’t seem to want to be your husband.

I’m sorry things have changed.

You need to play the cards you are dealt and focus on resilience and relationships and strengths you and the kids DO have. Get your ducks in a row, investigate possible affair, encourage him to get treatment. You are in the bargaining and denial stage and for the sake of your kids, you can’t stay there.

Dad has constructively bailed, mom seems weak and to be wallowing in codependency. How scary for them. You have to step up. If it helps to think how you would rebuild life if DH died, try that. One step in front of the other. The kids need a strong adult figure. You are the only one left. Good luck!

This!