Anonymous
Post 06/25/2024 09:19     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.

DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.

How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?


May be you've succeeded in raising them well with ability to make an informed decision instead of having children as an obligation.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2024 09:11     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Having children is a life changing personal decision, its about time people take it seriously, without any pressure from parents, in-law or society.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2024 09:06     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Can't help but wonder if the kids were raised to understand that marriage is between a man and woman for the explicit purpose of creating the next generation.

I know so many women who were raised to become girlbosses that have so few children as adults. It's a shame because these women are supremely capable, but the next generation won't get those traits. I've also noticed that the fertility rate is a bimodal distribution. Folks seems to have 0-1 kid or 3-4. Those few with the 3-4 are going to replace the many 0-1.

The future belongs to those who show up.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2024 22:47     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
It’s not too late, at least with the son. He may change his mind or get someone pregnant or whatnot. DD might regret her operation later on but it will be too late, but overall she is a lost cause wrt grandkids. Concentrate on the son!
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2024 20:45     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP. My kids have grown up in a very stressful world. Their generation is rife with anxiety and depression. My kids are scared to raise kids in this era. I'm sad, but understand their positions.


How? There has never been a safer time to be alive. The greatest access to medications, food, technology etc.


Safer along what metrics? Besides, adults have a right to make decisions about parenting for themselves. I believe they wouldn't make choices without having thought deeply about them. It's not my job to convince them otherwise.
Anonymous
Post 06/24/2024 10:53     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
One of the great - and most frustrating? - things about kids is that they eventually grow up to be adults who will make their own decisions, that may not be the same decisions you would have made.

It's time to let it go OP, they seem like well-adjusted normal adults who know what they want, which is an accomplishment in itself.

Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 22:01     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:NP. My kids have grown up in a very stressful world. Their generation is rife with anxiety and depression. My kids are scared to raise kids in this era. I'm sad, but understand their positions.


How? There has never been a safer time to be alive. The greatest access to medications, food, technology etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 20:43     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:yes, in some ways, you have. they were not raised in a family environment that they would like to replicate. Most of my friends who are decidedly childfree had unhappy childhoods, divorced parents or parents with unhappy marriages. But like so many other things in life, you may have tried your best, so don't beat yourself up over it.


I wouldn't put it quite like this but yes I would feel this way.

It's not dissimilar to "failure to launch" - to me it's another aspect of not coming to terms with adulthood and becoming a little less self-focused.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 19:49     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
NP. My kids have grown up in a very stressful world. Their generation is rife with anxiety and depression. My kids are scared to raise kids in this era. I'm sad, but understand their positions.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 17:14     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Either their childhoods weren't so great OP, or they are under a lot of pressure to be "successful" which doesn't make it easy to have kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 15:50     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And this is one of the reasons I had eight kids. It’s the only sensible way to keep the species going. People who want kids should have lots so the DINKS can get on with it.


Good lord. It’s a vagina, not a clown car.


My uterus is holding up just fine, thank you very much. Your knowledge of anatomy is clearly on a level with your manners. Love how everyone is all about exercising one’s reproductive choices until someone exercises it in the other direction
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 14:16     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:And this is one of the reasons I had eight kids. It’s the only sensible way to keep the species going. People who want kids should have lots so the DINKS can get on with it.


Good lord. It’s a vagina, not a clown car.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 14:14     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
And this is one of the reasons I had eight kids. It’s the only sensible way to keep the species going. People who want kids should have lots so the DINKS can get on with it.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2024 13:53     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
yes, in some ways, you have. they were not raised in a family environment that they would like to replicate. Most of my friends who are decidedly childfree had unhappy childhoods, divorced parents or parents with unhappy marriages. But like so many other things in life, you may have tried your best, so don't beat yourself up over it.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2024 08:50     Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I think a permanent surgery is a bad idea. Why isn’t her husband getting a vasectomy instead?