If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

Anonymous wrote:Go hang out w/ the dads since they are excluding you - that will really piss them off!

LOL I'll buy you dinner if you show up to queen bee's house in a trench coat, fish net stockings, and spiked heels. When she answers the door, say "Oh, I'm sorry, (her DH's name) said you wouldn't be here." Then walk away fast and don't look back no matter what she says.

It amazes me how emotionally stunted, immature and insecure a woman in her mid 40s could be, to exhibit auch behavior. It’s really a case for a psychiatrist. OP, don’t get involved with people, they’re not normal adults and wouldn’t be able to hold on to a job for more than a week.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.
The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

Do any of them have jobs? It sounds like they need them.

Agree.

+2

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.
The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

Do any of them have jobs? It sounds like they need them.

Agree.

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.
The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

Do any of them have jobs? It sounds like they need them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find the moms with the biggest mean girl tendencies are the ones that never left the town they grew up in and/or work in a ms/hs setting? It’s like they never matured past high school.

I’ve found that to be the case where I currently live. I also know several girls that were mean in high school never left the town where I grew up (different part of the country) and work as ms/hs teachers or administrators. I don’t really know them as adults though.

x100000 They don't want you to question their emotionally stunted, rank and file, status quo BS - which is actually hilarious, to those who are more emotionally and socially age appropriate.

What’s hilarious actually is women complaining about other women being mean and then turning around and doing the same thing.

I kind of agree on this. The easiest way to tell if someone is a mean girl is if they speak poorly about others. If they generally have positive things to say about others and/or bite their tongues about the negative, they're good people. If you think someone is mean but you are bad mouthing them to others, you're just as bad.

If you think someone is mean and you go around tell people "I think she's really mean, don't you think she's mean?" yes, you are being gossipy and just as bad.

But if someone is unkind TO YOU and you talk to a friend about that direct experience, it's not gossip and it's not mean. You can't gossip about your own lived experience. Now, you might want to choose carefully who you tell because if you think they might go off and discuss your experience with others, that IS gossip. So be careful of your confidences.

But talking about how someone was mean to you does not make you mean. It's okay to talk about negative experiences you've had with someone.

Don’t let these mean girls have power. If they start being rude to someone else, say something. If they are rude to you, Shade them. Just watch Phaedra and Nene and Kenya on RHOA

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.
The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

Hopefully you can find a friend who isn’t part of an over-the-hill clique. Since you have nothing to lose next time she asks you how old your child is ask her if she has memory problems. You’re just concerned because she keeps asking the same questions. Don’t tolerate it. Look for nonclique friends.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're only lonely because you have committed, so far, to the wrong way to make friends. Make individual friends. Put yourself out there, initiate, as an individual. Accept that there will be a lot of rejection. You will find friends this way.

To find actual friends and not just acquaintances to pass the time with in a certain activity ... no one needs to bring-you-in to their group, any group.

I don't think this advice applies to OP though? She didn't see this group at an activity and decide to join up in order to "pass the time." It doesn't sound like OP initiated any effort to join this group, actually.

She made an individual friend, and that friend keeps inviting OP to her group events. OP goes because she likes the friend and would like to meet more people, but then this woman is hostile to her.

I really don't think this is the result of OP going about it "the wrong way." It sounds like she has perfectly good instincts (forming a connection with an individual, being game to meet new people) but that this particular group of women has some toxic in-group qualities that are thwarting her.

OP, I think you should start turning down invites to hang out with the group (don't make a big thing of it, just be busy, tired, etc. when this friend asks) but continue to invite this one friend out for 1:1 hang outs. And then keep trying to make other friends. I don't think you made a mistake here, I just think it's a dead end (which sucks! I wish women didn't do stuff like ethics but obviously they do -- it's happened to me too).

Good luck!

OP, you're only lonely because you have committed, so far, to the wrong way to make friends. Make individual friends. Put yourself out there, initiate, as an individual. Accept that there will be a lot of rejection. You will find friends this way.

To find actual friends and not just acquaintances to pass the time with in a certain activity ... no one needs to bring-you-in to their group, any group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find the moms with the biggest mean girl tendencies are the ones that never left the town they grew up in and/or work in a ms/hs setting? It’s like they never matured past high school.

I’ve found that to be the case where I currently live. I also know several girls that were mean in high school never left the town where I grew up (different part of the country) and work as ms/hs teachers or administrators. I don’t really know them as adults though.

x100000 They don't want you to question their emotionally stunted, rank and file, status quo BS - which is actually hilarious, to those who are more emotionally and socially age appropriate.

What’s hilarious actually is women complaining about other women being mean and then turning around and doing the same thing.

I kind of agree on this. The easiest way to tell if someone is a mean girl is if they speak poorly about others. If they generally have positive things to say about others and/or bite their tongues about the negative, they're good people. If you think someone is mean but you are bad mouthing them to others, you're just as bad.

If you think someone is mean and you go around tell people "I think she's really mean, don't you think she's mean?" yes, you are being gossipy and just as bad.

But if someone is unkind TO YOU and you talk to a friend about that direct experience, it's not gossip and it's not mean. You can't gossip about your own lived experience. Now, you might want to choose carefully who you tell because if you think they might go off and discuss your experience with others, that IS gossip. So be careful of your confidences.

But talking about how someone was mean to you does not make you mean. It's okay to talk about negative experiences you've had with someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find the moms with the biggest mean girl tendencies are the ones that never left the town they grew up in and/or work in a ms/hs setting? It’s like they never matured past high school.

I’ve found that to be the case where I currently live. I also know several girls that were mean in high school never left the town where I grew up (different part of the country) and work as ms/hs teachers or administrators. I don’t really know them as adults though.

x100000 They don't want you to question their emotionally stunted, rank and file, status quo BS - which is actually hilarious, to those who are more emotionally and socially age appropriate.

What’s hilarious actually is women complaining about other women being mean and then turning around and doing the same thing.

I kind of agree on this. The easiest way to tell if someone is a mean girl is if they speak poorly about others. If they generally have positive things to say about others and/or bite their tongues about the negative, they're good people. If you think someone is mean but you are bad mouthing them to others, you're just as bad.

I fully agree that saying unkind things about the "mean girls" just makes you mean. The people who are like "tell her that's a sign of menopause" or "whatever she's probably just insecure because you're prettier" strike me as just as mean as the woman OP is talking about.

But there are also people who really know how to work other people. There are at the people who "love bomb" which others on the thread have mentioned -- you meet them and they are incredibly positive, complimentary, and kind, until you are in the "inner circle", and then they reveal the meanness. They are just political about how they deploy it. I had a good friend for years like this -- she was always nice to people's faces and said kind things about people in mixed company, but then when she though she could trust you, she'd tell you what she really thought. It turned out she was a massive gossip, just a careful one. And I was dumb because even though I noticed her gossipy tendency (and didn't participate in it, I'd usually just change the subject), it didn't occur to me that she was doing the same thing to me behind my back. Dumb, she obviously was.

I've also known people who know how to selectively deploy their niceness towards people they view as serving their purposes. People who kiss up to management, know how to flatter and ingratiate themselves with the PTA board, who suck up to teachers and coaches, etc. But if they deem someone to be not useful to them, they'll be mean to their faces and behind their backs.

There are also people who are "good people" who do sometimes say negative things about others, because sometimes others do or say negative things that are worth mentioning. There's a difference between idle gossip ("I think Kelly spoils her kids rotten") and a valid complaint or discussion of a personal experience ("I was really bothered by something Kelly said to my kid the other day, it hurt my feelings and I don't know what to do about it").

It's not as black and white as you lay it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find the moms with the biggest mean girl tendencies are the ones that never left the town they grew up in and/or work in a ms/hs setting? It’s like they never matured past high school.

I’ve found that to be the case where I currently live. I also know several girls that were mean in high school never left the town where I grew up (different part of the country) and work as ms/hs teachers or administrators. I don’t really know them as adults though.

x100000 They don't want you to question their emotionally stunted, rank and file, status quo BS - which is actually hilarious, to those who are more emotionally and socially age appropriate.

What’s hilarious actually is women complaining about other women being mean and then turning around and doing the same thing.

I kind of agree on this. The easiest way to tell if someone is a mean girl is if they speak poorly about others. If they generally have positive things to say about others and/or bite their tongues about the negative, they're good people. If you think someone is mean but you are bad mouthing them to others, you're just as bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find the moms with the biggest mean girl tendencies are the ones that never left the town they grew up in and/or work in a ms/hs setting? It’s like they never matured past high school.

I’ve found that to be the case where I currently live. I also know several girls that were mean in high school never left the town where I grew up (different part of the country) and work as ms/hs teachers or administrators. I don’t really know them as adults though.

x100000 They don't want you to question their emotionally stunted, rank and file, status quo BS - which is actually hilarious, to those who are more emotionally and socially age appropriate.

What’s hilarious actually is women complaining about other women being mean and then turning around and doing the same thing.

Nope. You just don’t like being called out.

Anonymous wrote:Go hang out w/ the dads since they are excluding you - that will really piss them off!

Truth.