Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I am so sorry this happened. My thoughts:

1. Tell the school. I’m no longer in DMV but at our public kids can be disciplined for activities that take place outside school. They may be able to help determine whether anything has been uploaded to social media.

You also don’t want your kid to have any classes with these boys and they should have different lunch periods.

2. Tell the coach. He has a problem on his team and needs to know.

3. Tell the parents. I like the idea of a group email to all of them. You shouldn’t have to send 14 separate emails.

4. Help for your son: therapist to process the incident and confirm it was not his fault. Also, to increase confidence so he learns that these guys are not his friends and that he should not aspire to be friends with him.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Your kid sounds awesome and he does not need to hang out with these jerks.

This is unnecessary and very likely impossible.

Restraining order

At that point it’s easier to switch schools.

Only 5 of the kids go to the same school as DS. He has his own friends at school outside these boys.

But these boys (soccer boys) are of a higher social status and could make DS life hell if the wish. He knows that.

When will this social status crap end. They already made his life miserable. He needs to make friends with the football, hockey and lacrosse players if your concern is them bullying him. Soccer isn’t exactly known for, well, anything in the US except children’s activities. Maybe a new sport would help.

Oh, he is in track too. He’s a so-so soccer player on a so-so team but he’s very talented as a long distance runner. Obviously also not a super respected sport, but he truly excels.

Well if he is only a so so soccer player and unlikely to pursue at college level, then I would try and talk to him at just focusing on track and maybe other non sport extra curriculars like Robotics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I am so sorry this happened. My thoughts:

1. Tell the school. I’m no longer in DMV but at our public kids can be disciplined for activities that take place outside school. They may be able to help determine whether anything has been uploaded to social media.

You also don’t want your kid to have any classes with these boys and they should have different lunch periods.

2. Tell the coach. He has a problem on his team and needs to know.

3. Tell the parents. I like the idea of a group email to all of them. You shouldn’t have to send 14 separate emails.

4. Help for your son: therapist to process the incident and confirm it was not his fault. Also, to increase confidence so he learns that these guys are not his friends and that he should not aspire to be friends with him.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Your kid sounds awesome and he does not need to hang out with these jerks.

This is unnecessary and very likely impossible.

Restraining order

At that point it’s easier to switch schools.

Only 5 of the kids go to the same school as DS. He has his own friends at school outside these boys.

But these boys (soccer boys) are of a higher social status and could make DS life hell if the wish. He knows that.

When will this social status crap end. They already made his life miserable. He needs to make friends with the football, hockey and lacrosse players if your concern is them bullying him. Soccer isn’t exactly known for, well, anything in the US except children’s activities. Maybe a new sport would help.

Oh, he is in track too. He’s a so-so soccer player on a so-so team but he’s very talented as a long distance runner. Obviously also not a super respected sport, but he truly excels.

OP, help him to prioritize that, then. A sport where he excels, friends who are kind and respectful - those are what your son needs. Not proximity-related popularity associated with playing on a rich kid soccer team.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I am so sorry this happened. My thoughts:

1. Tell the school. I’m no longer in DMV but at our public kids can be disciplined for activities that take place outside school. They may be able to help determine whether anything has been uploaded to social media.

You also don’t want your kid to have any classes with these boys and they should have different lunch periods.

2. Tell the coach. He has a problem on his team and needs to know.

3. Tell the parents. I like the idea of a group email to all of them. You shouldn’t have to send 14 separate emails.

4. Help for your son: therapist to process the incident and confirm it was not his fault. Also, to increase confidence so he learns that these guys are not his friends and that he should not aspire to be friends with him.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Your kid sounds awesome and he does not need to hang out with these jerks.

This is unnecessary and very likely impossible.

Restraining order

At that point it’s easier to switch schools.

Only 5 of the kids go to the same school as DS. He has his own friends at school outside these boys.

But these boys (soccer boys) are of a higher social status and could make DS life hell if the wish. He knows that.

When will this social status crap end. They already made his life miserable. He needs to make friends with the football, hockey and lacrosse players if your concern is them bullying him. Soccer isn’t exactly known for, well, anything in the US except children’s activities. Maybe a new sport would help.

Oh, he is in track too. He’s a so-so soccer player on a so-so team but he’s very talented as a long distance runner. Obviously also not a super respected sport, but he truly excels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I am so sorry this happened. My thoughts:

1. Tell the school. I’m no longer in DMV but at our public kids can be disciplined for activities that take place outside school. They may be able to help determine whether anything has been uploaded to social media.

You also don’t want your kid to have any classes with these boys and they should have different lunch periods.

2. Tell the coach. He has a problem on his team and needs to know.

3. Tell the parents. I like the idea of a group email to all of them. You shouldn’t have to send 14 separate emails.

4. Help for your son: therapist to process the incident and confirm it was not his fault. Also, to increase confidence so he learns that these guys are not his friends and that he should not aspire to be friends with him.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Your kid sounds awesome and he does not need to hang out with these jerks.

This is unnecessary and very likely impossible.

Restraining order

At that point it’s easier to switch schools.

Only 5 of the kids go to the same school as DS. He has his own friends at school outside these boys.

But these boys (soccer boys) are of a higher social status and could make DS life hell if the wish. He knows that.

When will this social status crap end. They already made his life miserable. He needs to make friends with the football, hockey and lacrosse players if your concern is them bullying him. Soccer isn’t exactly known for, well, anything in the US except children’s activities. Maybe a new sport would help.

I’m with you, but it is a thing and my son takes it very seriously.

I was the same way at his age.

These kids usually do hold more power.

OP how will you be able to sit at games with these other parents whose children did this to your kid? C’mon.

Anonymous wrote:Since there is overlap between the team and DS's school I think further hazing or retaliation may occur, even if he leaves the team, esp if you push to have any of the kids kicked off the team. It wasn't an event in isolation, it was more or less the whole team.

I'd have a plan for that, even if they don't have classes together, it is still easy to target an individual in halls, cafeteria, etc. or to spread rumors.

OP, I'd file a police report as there are likely videos on social media and there may be more fall out.

I'm glad the immediate medical consequences were not worse but I think there will be fall out to come and DS is going to need support it does not sound like he is getting from his dad re: how to keep himself safe from a group.

+1 A therapist would be really helpful too, especially if he's reluctant to talk about this with you or make plans with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. I am so sorry this happened. My thoughts:

1. Tell the school. I’m no longer in DMV but at our public kids can be disciplined for activities that take place outside school. They may be able to help determine whether anything has been uploaded to social media.

You also don’t want your kid to have any classes with these boys and they should have different lunch periods.

2. Tell the coach. He has a problem on his team and needs to know.

3. Tell the parents. I like the idea of a group email to all of them. You shouldn’t have to send 14 separate emails.

4. Help for your son: therapist to process the incident and confirm it was not his fault. Also, to increase confidence so he learns that these guys are not his friends and that he should not aspire to be friends with him.

Good luck and please keep us posted. Your kid sounds awesome and he does not need to hang out with these jerks.

This is unnecessary and very likely impossible.

Restraining order

At that point it’s easier to switch schools.

Only 5 of the kids go to the same school as DS. He has his own friends at school outside these boys.

But these boys (soccer boys) are of a higher social status and could make DS life hell if the wish. He knows that.

When will this social status crap end. They already made his life miserable. He needs to make friends with the football, hockey and lacrosse players if your concern is them bullying him. Soccer isn’t exactly known for, well, anything in the US except children’s activities. Maybe a new sport would help.

Anonymous wrote:I left a toxic work environment after trying to fit in, change the culture, come out ahead, etc. best decision I ever made. No one I talked to told me to toughen up or fight back. It is ok to leave the cage if lions are attacking.

Yes! I hope OP is able to help her DS see it this way. He wants to stay with the team but to what end? I think prompting him to think through that scenario and what it will involve could help him understand that he has other (better) choices. And OP may need to gently provide reality checks to him as he works through this (those kids aren't showing any signs of remorse, they're going to continue behaving the same way, etc).

OP, even if it seems like your son won't believe you, please continue to tell him that he did not deserve this and that he is worthy of respect. I think he needs to hear someone say it out loud and with conviction, even if he's not ready to accept that these kids are not going to befriend him. And especially if your DH encourages him to stay with this toxic team (which sends a message that what they did was something to be tolerated).

Anonymous wrote:Since there is overlap between the team and DS's school I think further hazing or retaliation may occur, even if he leaves the team, esp if you push to have any of the kids kicked off the team. It wasn't an event in isolation, it was more or less the whole team.

I'd have a plan for that, even if they don't have classes together, it is still easy to target an individual in halls, cafeteria, etc. or to spread rumors.

OP, I'd file a police report as there are likely videos on social media and there may be more fall out.

I'm glad the immediate medical consequences were not worse but I think there will be fall out to come and DS is going to need support it does not sound like he is getting from his dad re: how to keep himself safe from a group.

For those wondering why OPs son didn’t want to do anything about this, I suspect the bolded is why. When you’ve been victimized, the fear of retaliation for taking action is very very real, especially at this age and for a kid who just wants to fit in.

I’m sorry your child is going through this, OP. sending strength.

Since there is overlap between the team and DS's school I think further hazing or retaliation may occur, even if he leaves the team, esp if you push to have any of the kids kicked off the team. It wasn't an event in isolation, it was more or less the whole team.

I'd have a plan for that, even if they don't have classes together, it is still easy to target an individual in halls, cafeteria, etc. or to spread rumors.

OP, I'd file a police report as there are likely videos on social media and there may be more fall out.

I'm glad the immediate medical consequences were not worse but I think there will be fall out to come and DS is going to need support it does not sound like he is getting from his dad re: how to keep himself safe from a group.

Hazing in sports refers to any activity expected of athletes joining a sport team that humiliates or abuses them1234. These activities are considered hazing whether the athlete wants to participate or not1. Hazing rituals can range from relatively benign to extreme forms of bullying, including physical and sexual abuse3. Hazing can have negative psychological experiences on athletes who have been hazed1. The view that hazing is a harmless rite of passage is unfounded, as hazing rituals are frequently dangerous and can often harm relationships among team or group members or even be life threatening4.

What did the coaches say? I'm the PP who mentioned my kid's wonderful soccer team, and I can guarantee you that his coach would take action. There was one occasion when the coach reached out to parents and players with a note about the use of "derogatory terms" in exchanges between players during practice. He required every parent to respond acknowledging that they had spoken to their kid about the nonnegotiable expectation that they show respect on and off the field for their teammates -- and then asked each kid at practice if they understood (which caught out a few parents who had not in fact delivered the message to their kids.)

What really gets me about what was done to your kid is that is at least conceivable that the kids didn't realize how dangerous their actions were. I'm in no way trying to excuse or downplay their actions, but as the parent of 2 teenage boys, I know they can be dumb even if they're smart. So I could imagine some of the kids thinking, what's the harm in a bunch of vitamin-like gummies? But there was harm and it could have been a LOT worse. It's exactly the kind of cautionary tale that will stay with kids who are essentially decent humans. But left unpunished, they're almost guaranteeing some of those kids will do something even more dangerous in the future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—we need an update. What’s your thinking about next steps?

We’ve contacted all the parents and both coaches. We haven’t gotten a response from everyone.

Still deciding on whether or not DS will be leaving the team. I think it’s the best, but DH & DS said it will make it worse for DS. I do understand.

As far as pursuing this legally, I’m honestly not sure if we’re up to it. All really hard to prove at this point and we already have a parent who has refused to acknowledge it’s even a possibility.

Frankly, we are already stretched thin and can’t afford the lawyers a lot of these teammates can. Plus we really don’t know exactly who is involved and who is not. DS remembers very little.

No insist on ringleader child leaving team. Other child is a liability for the team. Team should want other child out

Agree with this. Insist on the boys who did this to be off the team. Your son should not be punished (not play soccer) because of what they did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP—we need an update. What’s your thinking about next steps?

We’ve contacted all the parents and both coaches. We haven’t gotten a response from everyone.

Still deciding on whether or not DS will be leaving the team. I think it’s the best, but DH & DS said it will make it worse for DS. I do understand.

As far as pursuing this legally, I’m honestly not sure if we’re up to it. All really hard to prove at this point and we already have a parent who has refused to acknowledge it’s even a possibility.

Frankly, we are already stretched thin and can’t afford the lawyers a lot of these teammates can. Plus we really don’t know exactly who is involved and who is not. DS remembers very little.

No insist on ringleader child leaving team. Other child is a liability for the team. Team should want other child out

These kids are not his friends. Run to the sweet dorky friends that you describe. A worst fate could have transpired with a different poison or drug.