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Anonymous wrote:$4K is nothing. We give $2K every month and have done for the last 3 years. It's killing us and my MIL is 94. People live a lot longer these days.

I would give the $4k and ensure that the $ is going toward paying of the HELOC somehow. Also discuss with your DH how to better manage his mothers finances in the future or you will end up like me.

Canada offers Physician Assisted Suicide for illnesses including depression caused by poverty.

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Anonymous wrote:I would have a coronary if I had only 40k saved with kids I needed to see through college.

OP said it was on top of college and retirement

Well yes, but she didn't say how much she has saved for college and retirement. She said "We each retirement accounts and kids have college accounts but our total cash savings right now is 50K." But having those accounts is not the same thing as having adequate savings *in* those accounts.

Since there are many competing goals here (college, retirement, their house, MIL bailout), OP and her DH need a financial planner. But DH wont' want to go, because he knows he won't like what he hears.

Op here. We have 500K in our 401Ks, 15K in brokerage, and another 10K in assets we can quickly liquidate if we needed plus 40ishK in cash savings. We are both in joins which will have pensions. College funds for the kids have 60K combined. How are we irresponsible? I know we could have more cash on hand but like I said, we have had major home repairs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have a coronary if I had only 40k saved with kids I needed to see through college.

OP said it was on top of college and retirement

Well yes, but she didn't say how much she has saved for college and retirement. She said "We each retirement accounts and kids have college accounts but our total cash savings right now is 50K." But having those accounts is not the same thing as having adequate savings *in* those accounts.

Since there are many competing goals here (college, retirement, their house, MIL bailout), OP and her DH need a financial planner. But DH wont' want to go, because he knows he won't like what he hears.

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She’s a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH but has made a slew of poor financial decisions. I am fairly sure that her only assets for her retirement are less than 50K in cash and around 150K in her 401K which she has not touched yet. She has no long-term care

Stare at this until your heart thaws. You don’t have to do this kind of thing on a repeated basis, but as a one time bail out? Yes. She is a kind parent who sacrificed a lot to raise the husband that you love. Show some caring back to her, even if you disagree with her choices. This isn’t about your family. It’s about what your husband wants to do for his mom.

Agree with this. Whereas you did not get such kindless from your own parents, your DH did from his, and you should be kind in your turn. She's a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH and the fact that she's 69 is the end of the story to me. Be kind.

Absolutely. Please thaw your frozen heart.

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Anonymous wrote:
She’s a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH but has made a slew of poor financial decisions. I am fairly sure that her only assets for her retirement are less than 50K in cash and around 150K in her 401K which she has not touched yet. She has no long-term care

Stare at this until your heart thaws. You don’t have to do this kind of thing on a repeated basis, but as a one time bail out? Yes. She is a kind parent who sacrificed a lot to raise the husband that you love. Show some caring back to her, even if you disagree with her choices. This isn’t about your family. It’s about what your husband wants to do for his mom.

Agree with this. Whereas you did not get such kindless from your own parents, your DH did from his, and you should be kind in your turn. She's a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH and the fact that she's 69 is the end of the story to me. Be kind.

Anonymous wrote:$4K is nothing. We give $2K every month and have done for the last 3 years. It's killing us and my MIL is 94. People live a lot longer these days.

I would give the $4k and ensure that the $ is going toward paying of the HELOC somehow. Also discuss with your DH how to better manage his mothers finances in the future or you will end up like me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She’s a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH but has made a slew of poor financial decisions. I am fairly sure that her only assets for her retirement are less than 50K in cash and around 150K in her 401K which she has not touched yet. She has no long-term care

Stare at this until your heart thaws. You don’t have to do this kind of thing on a repeated basis, but as a one time bail out? Yes. She is a kind parent who sacrificed a lot to raise the husband that you love. Show some caring back to her, even if you disagree with her choices. This isn’t about your family. It’s about what your husband wants to do for his mom.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

The mother didn't ask for help. Her kids decided between themselves to give it.

But she will ask for help just as soon as she runs out of cash. And you know that.

Well better kick her in the face now in case she does this thing you are sure she will do, even though she hasn't done it.

How do you think she will support herself?

Nobody's saying to be cruel to her. But when a person makes bad financial decisions and needs money from others, which MIL does even if she won't admit it, that person has to accept some transparency and guidance, and we all have to live within our means.

I don't think she will, but I also don't think that denying her this $4k now = that she didn't ask for, but her kids want to give her - is going to get her closer. This is the situation they are in, and pretending Mom doesn't exist or isn't in trouble won't really help. This idea that a near-70 year old is just going to hop out and get herself a $100k job is preposterous.

This is the husband's mom. They should deal with this head on - not by punishing her for being "gauche" and not working the way everyone wishes she had, going back in time. But by coming up with an actual plan to make sure she doesn't go into her most vulnerable years in debt and without any buffer. What IS the plan here? That's what I'd want to work out, beyond this $4k. Not, again, in a punitive sense - but trying to figure that out for her and for OP and her family.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

The mother didn't ask for help. Her kids decided between themselves to give it.

But she will ask for help just as soon as she runs out of cash. And you know that.

Well better kick her in the face now in case she does this thing you are sure she will do, even though she hasn't done it.

How do you think she will support herself?

Nobody's saying to be cruel to her. But when a person makes bad financial decisions and needs money from others, which MIL does even if she won't admit it, that person has to accept some transparency and guidance, and we all have to live within our means.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

The mother didn't ask for help. Her kids decided between themselves to give it.

But she will ask for help just as soon as she runs out of cash. And you know that.

Well better kick her in the face now in case she does this thing you are sure she will do, even though she hasn't done it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

The mother didn't ask for help. Her kids decided between themselves to give it.

But she will ask for help just as soon as she runs out of cash. And you know that.