Anonymous
04/27/2023 19:24
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
OP reporting back. DH and I declared a family emergency, canceled all of our meetings and had DS stay home from school so we could talk all of this through calmly and slowly. I’m very glad we did.
Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.
All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.
As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.
Things we learned today that we didn’t know before: 1) DS has actually thinking about this for a while, and was steeling himself to make the pitch no matter where he did or didn’t get in to school. Having his choices narrowed so dramatically made it an easier call, but it sounds like we may have been having this conversation no matter what. 2) The reason: DS does not have doubts about going to college, but in the short term what he wants even more is real time with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. We knew that DS missed them all terribly during the pandemic, just as DH and I did — but we just didn’t realize he felt it quite this keenly. He said that there’s a lot of different ways he can go to college, but his grandparents are alive and healthy right now and they really need his help right now. Put those two things together and DS sees spending the next year with them as the time-sensitive, once in a lifetime opportunity he puts more value on.
All of the college planning questions remain, of course, and I am extremely grateful to all of who you raised so many good points/questions that I would never have thought of. We’ve been in touch with DS’s college counselor at school, and she is going to make a referral for us to a private consultant she thinks will be able to help us make a plan. DS’s grades and extra-curricular are actually ending on a high note so he will have that going for him into next year’s cycle.
As for DH and I: I am still in shock, to a degree, but DH is already essentially recovered and even making jokes about how at least now we have an extra year and a third full-time income to help save for college! And I will say this: I may be worried about DS, but I honestly kind of admire him, too. I don’t think my own values were this well and strongly formed at this age. In fact, I know they weren’t. I guess sometimes we raise them, and sometimes they raise us.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 18:40
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My family is in agriculture and has hosted multiple wayward high school graduates and college dropouts for a gap year. Every single one of them has thanked us for the experience and went back to school.
Most importantly they get a chance to see what physical labor looks like for the 60 year old employees.
You DC will learn more working on the farm than he will at college. He will learn the value of physical hard work. He will learn how to
fix and operate a lot of equipment. Listen to your son.
What? Lol. He'll be muscle.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 18:38
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
OP,
Support your son. He took initiative.
Farm work is healthy work. Agribusiness is big business.
He will learn a lot from his grandfather and grandmother.
College will be there for him when your son is ready.
Support your son. He took initiative.
Farm work is healthy work. Agribusiness is big business.
He will learn a lot from his grandfather and grandmother.
College will be there for him when your son is ready.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 18:31
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Farm year would make a good essay and interview material for admission next year. He can also learn a new language (even a tech one) or polish his second language to advance level with online courses.
According to OP, the student has worked on the farm during prior summers.
Yup but one whole year as a full time employee and few weeks during summer vacations with grandparents are completely different experiences.
as is working on a farm that your grandparents own vs someone else owns.
100% agree.
Usually young people doing farm work do side work at other farms in the area.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 18:27
Subject: Re:DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.
This isn't true in many cases.
When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.
So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.
Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.
I
OP, I don't think your DS understands that his choices may be starting where he is admitted and transferring or community college then transferring. Doing more of what is already on the application is not going to make his fall application stronger for the schools he is disappointed about.
If he does not defer he may have no option but community college. If he does defer, he may be locked in to attending for the reasons above, so what will have been the point of delaying going there by a year?
I think he is misunderstanding that he is going to get a blank slate and do over and have as good or even better odds but it doesn't work that way. He can always work on the farm this summer. Again, working on the family farm is ALREADY on his applications, so it adds nothing new except a possible red flag that he did not go "on time."
Please have him talk to a consultant and go for another visit to the school. Being older is not at all the same experience may both impact HS friendships and put him out of step if he tries to go in 2024 and in all likelihood the choice will be the school on the table or community college. Those 2 sets of friendships can be really important in adult life. I know he feels disappointed but I don't think he understands the ramifications.
I graduated college in 3 years for financial reasons and feel it impacted those friendships not to have been there for the final year together. I've stayed in touch with people but the ties are not as close. When DS is 19 and possibly in dorms with 17 year olds he is not going to feel a "fit" and if he has to go to community college in 2024 then transfer, it will be a VERY different experience than peers had. Temporary emotions are just that. And of course, if he does not go to college it will be a very different trajectory. Does he hope to inherit the family farm and make that a career? That is the only way it makes sense to do more of the same farm work.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 18:14
Subject: Re:DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:I took a gap year and then turned 20 in early October of my freshman year. Felt very “over” college quickly, had some AP credits, took 18-21 credits and graduated within 3 years. Couldn’t get out fast enough.
I’d spent my gap year working construction on the opposite coast while living with roommates in a run-down apartment. It was a meager lifestyle, but I had a ton of freedom. Going from that to living in a dorm with 17-18 year old and having to clean the room for RA room checks was a difficult adjustment.
That’s a lot different than spending a year with your grandparents.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 18:09
Subject: Re:DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
You would have to look at the terms of the deferral agreement for the particular school. Ultimately at any school, you'd just lose your deposit, but they wouldn't know that you were applying elsewhere.
This isn't true in many cases.
When you agree to go to X college and pay a deposit--even if you intend to defer--your high school has to send acopy of your final transcript, including your last semester. Often, as part of that process the high school agrees that it will not send copies of the student's transcript to any other college without notifying the college where the student has deferred enrollment.
So, when the student who has deferred tries to get the high school to send a transcript to other colleges, the guidance counselor will say no. No transcripts and no recommendation from the guidance counselor will be sent until the student notifies the college at which the student has agreed to enroll.
Even at the small number of colleges that will accept an unofficial transcript to apply, you usually need a final, official one to enroll. Then you're up a creek without a paddle.
I
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:58
Subject: Re:DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
I took a gap year and then turned 20 in early October of my freshman year. Felt very “over” college quickly, had some AP credits, took 18-21 credits and graduated within 3 years. Couldn’t get out fast enough.
I’d spent my gap year working construction on the opposite coast while living with roommates in a run-down apartment. It was a meager lifestyle, but I had a ton of freedom. Going from that to living in a dorm with 17-18 year old and having to clean the room for RA room checks was a difficult adjustment.
I’d spent my gap year working construction on the opposite coast while living with roommates in a run-down apartment. It was a meager lifestyle, but I had a ton of freedom. Going from that to living in a dorm with 17-18 year old and having to clean the room for RA room checks was a difficult adjustment.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:53
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My family is in agriculture and has hosted multiple wayward high school graduates and college dropouts for a gap year. Every single one of them has thanked us for the experience and went back to school.
Most importantly they get a chance to see what physical labor looks like for the 60 year old employees.
You DC will learn more working on the farm than he will at college. He will learn the value of physical hard work. He will learn how to
fix and operate a lot of equipment. Listen to your son.
He has already learned those skills in prior summers.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:53
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think your son is acting mature at all. He took the easy way out — working in a familiar setting with grandparents and cousins.
I’m not a big fan of gap years because college passes very quickly and all the friends and acquaintances have moved on and matured. His ego is hurt. I get that.
But colleges are a business and admissions get harder not easier.
Revisit the college. Take a deferral if you can. You don’t know whether the next cycle will be better than this one. Your best chance is right after HS.
I think as parents your fears are legitimate. GL.
All of this.
+2
Take a deferral to the school he was admitted to.
Work the year at the farm and also invest time this summer in something that will improve his fall applications if he wants to try applying to different schools.
Be prepared to go to the admitted school if he doesn’t come up with other options.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:52
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would 100% support my kid in this situation. He sounds pretty great, OP.
+1
Think working on a farm for a year would look great on an application, particularly for the subjects he's interested in. Don't think OP said anything about test scores, but maybe also use the time to study and retake and get a really high score. As well as work on a really compelling essay about life on the farm and how it's helped him decide what he wants to do. That's an application that's really going to stand out
Applications are due in fall, at that point it will literally just be one more summer on the farm, it will not boost his chances. It's not novel, it was already on the prior application.
OP, I think your best way forward is to consult with a hired 3rd party re: how to maximize his admission odds. Going where he has an option and trying to transfer means he will not be shut out. Are all of his friends going to college in the fall or are some of them talking about gap years too? I think if they are all moving forward on a college track it will have a huge psychological impact in the fall. Even if he is cocooned on the family farm. He will fall out of step and it will impact those relationships.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:52
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think your son is acting mature at all. He took the easy way out — working in a familiar setting with grandparents and cousins.
I’m not a big fan of gap years because college passes very quickly and all the friends and acquaintances have moved on and matured. His ego is hurt. I get that.
But colleges are a business and admissions get harder not easier.
Revisit the college. Take a deferral if you can. You don’t know whether the next cycle will be better than this one. Your best chance is right after HS.
I think as parents your fears are legitimate. GL.
This is a big one. It’s really lonely when all your HS friends & acquaintances are away at college, “progressing” through life and you’re not.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:47
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:My family is in agriculture and has hosted multiple wayward high school graduates and college dropouts for a gap year. Every single one of them has thanked us for the experience and went back to school.
Most importantly they get a chance to see what physical labor looks like for the 60 year old employees.
You DC will learn more working on the farm than he will at college. He will learn the value of physical hard work. He will learn how to
fix and operate a lot of equipment. Listen to your son.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:45
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think your son is acting mature at all. He took the easy way out — working in a familiar setting with grandparents and cousins.
I’m not a big fan of gap years because college passes very quickly and all the friends and acquaintances have moved on and matured. His ego is hurt. I get that.
But colleges are a business and admissions get harder not easier.
Revisit the college. Take a deferral if you can. You don’t know whether the next cycle will be better than this one. Your best chance is right after HS.
I think as parents your fears are legitimate. GL.
All of this.
Anonymous
04/27/2023 17:42
Subject: DC shut out from all but one, now wants a gap year
Anonymous wrote:Make him go to the college. If he still hates it, he can transfer.
Lol you can’t make an 18 yo hs grad so anything.