Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

This was my read as well. OP said in her opener,

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations).

I think the course correction here is for OP to stop comingling her own inheritance, especially since her DH won't dip into his. Save it in a separate, rainy day fund for herself. That alone should help relieve some of the resentment she feels, which I think I would also feel under the circumstances she has described.

You’re missing the point. OP can’t “stop commingling” the gifts from her parents because she’s spending it all. They are already living well beyond their actual means (private schools, home, upgrades, travel) and her DH (rightfully so) is probably terrified to get into an even bigger hole. “High six figures” is not that much when you’re talking about long term security. Set aside the brother for a minute — even with the inheritances coming in, I suspect they haven’t saved anything like the amount of $$ that would sustain the life style that OP wants to lead into retirement. Based on what I’ve heard of their finances, I wouldn’t be comfortable putting that much of my net worth into real estate, especially in the current market.

OP also hasn’t (as far as I’ve seen) told how much she thinks is appropriate to spend on a house vs. what they can afford. I also suspect that her DH doesn’t agree that they *need* the bigger house in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

Unnecessarily excessive crap
To make sure your kids turn out as rotten and spoiled as you . Could have a normal
House without wasting all the money and without seeming like a test. I legit would just divorce you

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People over paper ($). Live in a less gorgeous house to help him with illness

That sucks. And with all the severely SN children around nowadays, makes me think we should counsel our children to avoid any siblings of severely SN people unless there are guaranteed trusts and accommodations in place to care for them. Why should our children’s lives be compromised?

How, exactly, is OP's life bring "compromised?"

They can afford a certain standard of living but can’t live it because they have to pour a million or more into a brother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.

So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.

Let's be clear, this brother isn't SN, he's a drug addict. You don't want that anywhere near your home or marriage.

He goes to a fine treatment in patient facility as many times as he needs to to get sober.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH's brother will never live with us. I asked DH early in our relationship if he would ever live with us and he emphatically said no. If he had said yes, I would have ended the relationship. Even if DH didn't have a family I'm sure he wouldn't have his brother living with him. The brother is a big guy and is volatile with violent episodes. Once he grabbed me inappropriately and DH had to yell at him to get off of me. No way I would have him living in my house with me and my kids and face potential assault.

DH thinks his brother would probably get kicked out of a group home due to outbursts and violence. His mother has chronically undermedicated him (part of the denial) so maybe if he were properly medicated the odds of the violence would decrease. He also thinks he can't handle living alone. DH's mother could certainly leave him her house but I don't think he could handle a large suburban house and possibly not even an apartment. So there's no clear answer to where he would live.

The brother could easily have assets of $1.5-2 million when the mother dies. I would think that + social security would be sufficient for one person with no dependents who never goes anywhere, but DH thinks that his brother will be preyed upon and end up with nothing.

I do not currently work. We had a baby early in the pandemic + an older child so I had to stop. I am currently looking for a job. DH is in a higher paying field, and I have always done the majority of the childcare and household management. I don't think he begrudges me not currently working as he knows it would have been impossible to maintain his job with both kids home during the pandemic + quarantine issues.

I think the advice to just use marital assets on buying the new house is probably right. I do think it's possible that in 20 years we'll be sitting on a pile of money and thinking we should have spent a little of it to to enjoy a nicer family house while our kids were still at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

The issue is bigger than this. OP wants to feel her dh has financial skin in the game to the extent she does.

Which they can do using their money from their jobs and equity from their house. If OP doesn’t want to use her annual gift of 34k that is 100% her prerogative, but her husband is not obligated to use the inheritance to buy a bigger/nicer house than they can afford themselves.

What irks me the most about OP is her utter lack of gratitude for being in such a privileged financial situation to begin with.

Eh. It is what it is. No need to display humility here to appease posters who are offended by generational wealth.

OP wants a certain lifestyle for her family and that is OK.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.

That’s what I said! The inheritance from FIL is a total red herring. The fact is her DH is effectively using the money from her parents to fund his brother’s care. That is not cool.

OP you should ask to delete this thread and re-post with this info if you want helpful advice because your current post, as written, comes off really badly and is why people are still jumping all over you. That is, if you are not a troll.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

This was my read as well. OP said in her opener,

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations).

I think the course correction here is for OP to stop comingling her own inheritance, especially since her DH won't dip into his. Save it in a separate, rainy day fund for herself. That alone should help relieve some of the resentment she feels, which I think I would also feel under the circumstances she has described.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.

OP. Assuming this info. you are adding here is true, you could have led with this in your original post. You led with your husband's inheritance and special needs brother and of course everyone is jumping on you as heartless.

You have every right to your joint savings, regardless of whether or not your parents contributed anything to your needs. A discussion with a financial advisor and potentially a therapist for your husband may be in order.