OP, it’s not really a second kid problem, imo. It’s your no pay job that is the problem.

If DH is depressed in affect, that could also heighten the kids' energy as they try to engage him. I've seen that dynamic. It may make him want to avoid more.

I would be strategic, OP, the current gig needs to be changed or a plan made for it to be a stepping stone to something more lucrative with more family friendly hours.

I'm not sure that I would go back to freelance, having once been married to someone like your husband, who said "family life isn't what I thought it would be" had an affair and bounced, I'd caution you to get on a career path that can be ramped up or down, just in case. I had stopped working for a bit to deal with a child who had a lot of appointments due to a medical issue and was in a bad spot financially as a result.

Do what you can to shore up the family now and have a Plan B.

Anonymous wrote:I had 3 over a ten year span. I’ve been doing the little kid thing for too long. Secondary infertility and then IVF.

It has made me see the wisdom of the married at 22, three kids in 5 years, then start a career later plan. Corporate professional jobs ask too much of us and intensive parenting is impossible. Something has got to give. I’d prefer that not be “women back to the kitchen” plan favored by the right wing, but here we are.

This was me. My oldest graduated from high school when I was 40….my youngest three years later. It’s been a good choice for me.

OP, it's curious to me that problems that could be solved by childcare, outsourcing, a job change for more $ or fewer hours is being pathologized re: your husband for missing your company since the job change with your younger DC the "identified problem" in the family system.

If you had a 40 hour job that paid for childcare and cleaning and you got groceries delivered, how would your family life change?

It may be worth some sessions with a family therapist, these dynamics are not healthy esp with regard to youngest DC. Instead of being realistic and problem solving re: what is best for all, you and DH come at it very differently. I'm guessing one or both of you have some dysfunction in your childhoods. Learn to frame problems differently now, it's not fair to either kid or even to DH to not have both of you be more functional and cognizant of the welfare of the family as a whole.

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is hands down the most selfless act imaginable. Atleast it should be. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a parent of little ones during COVID, it’s that so.many.adults (particularly in our area) refuse to give up anything for kids. It’s incredible. I’m pretty certain most generations before us knew that having kids entailed sacrifices, so this will be an interesting experiment to watch this generation grow.

Your husband sounds like a narcissist.

This is hilarious to me. The current child-centered generation does so much more for their kids (not always to their benefit) than previous generations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you either need FT childcare or a PT job. You can have a FT job with PT childcare and expect that to work. You are setting all of you up for failure.

+1 What I did was give up my career so that our lives would be less stressful.

Despite what some woman's magazine tried to sell you, women cannot have it all. Something's gotta give.

OP's DH probably wouldn't be supportive of OP focusing on her career while he pulled back on his career. I don't find that most men would be willing to do that. I offered that same deal to my DH, that I'd be the breadwinner, and he could be the sahp for a bit. That was a no-go for him. Unlike OP, though, I didn't mind at the time pulling back a bit. I was stressed out myself trying to do it all. And this with a nanny, but no family around. It was in part mommy guilt, but also we were all just treading water and constantly fighting.

Even Serena Williams, who probably has a ton of paid help, says women can't have it all.

https://www.businessinsider.com/serena-williams-blunt-retirement-essay-inequity-america-workforce-women-face-2022-8

Everyone knows this but how about the men step up to help?

how do you force men to do that? If you could find a way, you could write a book and make billions.

But, this is also why many educated, working women choose to not get married and/or have kids. They know it's not possible to have it all. Something's gonna give.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you either need FT childcare or a PT job. You can have a FT job with PT childcare and expect that to work. You are setting all of you up for failure.

+1 What I did was give up my career so that our lives would be less stressful.

Despite what some woman's magazine tried to sell you, women cannot have it all. Something's gotta give.

OP's DH probably wouldn't be supportive of OP focusing on her career while he pulled back on his career. I don't find that most men would be willing to do that. I offered that same deal to my DH, that I'd be the breadwinner, and he could be the sahp for a bit. That was a no-go for him. Unlike OP, though, I didn't mind at the time pulling back a bit. I was stressed out myself trying to do it all. And this with a nanny, but no family around. It was in part mommy guilt, but also we were all just treading water and constantly fighting.

Even Serena Williams, who probably has a ton of paid help, says women can't have it all.

https://www.businessinsider.com/serena-williams-blunt-retirement-essay-inequity-america-workforce-women-face-2022-8

Everyone knows this but how about the men step up to help?

OP - you can't have a 50 hour a week nonprofit job that doesn't cover the cost of childcare. That's not a "dream job". That's indentured servitude.

Time to either go back to PT freelance or move to a better paying job. The job market is hot right now. I cannot imagine anyone with a college degree and white collar resume not figuring out a way to make at least $80k a year right now, if they really wanted to.

In 6 months the market may not be as forgiving for changing jobs, so do it now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.

No. I do not believe in eating disorders. My nephew, supposedly, had an eating disorder and only ate three things--pizza, spaghetti, and PB&J sandwiches on white bread. He wanted to visit my family and I told him that he would eat what I served or go hungry. He ate seconds of just about everything. He finally admitted that he only had his "eating disorder" with his mother. I also don't believe in blaming everyone else in your life for your problems.

I also have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug addicts. Choices have consequences.

Boomer fanfic

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him which one of the kids he'd prefer to give away for adoption. Tell him you thought it over, and given the situation, this is the only reasonable solution. Be firm, tell him you researched it, and you know it can be done. Offer some pros and cons for each kid.

When he looks at you all stunned and starts mumbling something about how it's not that bad, tell him to grow the f.ck up and be a father and partner he is supposed to be.

What if he takes her up on it? He might.

That’s when she realizes he isn’t worth staying married to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.

No. I do not believe in eating disorders. My nephew, supposedly, had an eating disorder and only ate three things--pizza, spaghetti, and PB&J sandwiches on white bread. He wanted to visit my family and I told him that he would eat what I served or go hungry. He ate seconds of just about everything. He finally admitted that he only had his "eating disorder" with his mother. I also don't believe in blaming everyone else in your life for your problems.

I also have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug addicts. Choices have consequences.

The bootstrap brigade has arrived. It’s been a good chat but it’s time to end the thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.

No. I do not believe in eating disorders. My nephew, supposedly, had an eating disorder and only ate three things--pizza, spaghetti, and PB&J sandwiches on white bread. He wanted to visit my family and I told him that he would eat what I served or go hungry. He ate seconds of just about everything. He finally admitted that he only had his "eating disorder" with his mother. I also don't believe in blaming everyone else in your life for your problems.

I also have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug addicts. Choices have consequences.

The bolded is funny to me. You make all sorts of excuses for your dad and come down hard on everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.

No. I do not believe in eating disorders. My nephew, supposedly, had an eating disorder and only ate three things--pizza, spaghetti, and PB&J sandwiches on white bread. He wanted to visit my family and I told him that he would eat what I served or go hungry. He ate seconds of just about everything. He finally admitted that he only had his "eating disorder" with his mother. I also don't believe in blaming everyone else in your life for your problems.

I also have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug addicts. Choices have consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

You soundike you don’t know much about eating disorders tbh. EDs are addictions. They’re often lifelong. You can go through periods of being “in remission” so to speak but then it comes back in times of stress. Much like substance addictions.

It’s totally plausible to me that a girl feeling resented and unwanted can by her father could cause one then it becomes an addictive, maladaptive behavior that is very difficult to get rid of.