Anonymous wrote: There’s no might about it, op, he’s already going.. with her.
I’d not stand for this, and since the only thing you can do is break up with him, I’d do just that. Then he’s free to be with his ex or anybody else he likes, and you can find someone who isn’t prioritizing his “family” over you. I write it that way because nobody forced him to get divorced.. if he really is, and nobody is forcing him to stay separated from his ex. In other words, he doesn’t need or want you, or you’d be on the trip. You aren’t, and if it were me, that’s all I need to know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

NP. I hope this is meant as a joke. It's...a joke, right? Right?

If not, it's a horrible idea. Pure immature game-playing.

And in the event the OP and this boyfriend stay together, well, at some point OP is likely to meet his ex at a kid pickup or whatever, just crossing paths...and if the ex recognizes OP as "Cathy"? That's going to sour a decent relationship between the two exes, who do still have to co-parent. And if OP ever meets the BF's parents later and they also recognize "Cathy"? Hey, son, that was deceptive of you, and your GF seems possessive if she'd pretend like that....

Just, no.

PP, try to think away from the box. We think this idea has a lot of potential. When Cathy/Kathy shows up to deliver the Uber Eats yummies, why couldn't the boyfriend something along the lines of "Well, she was kind of cute... and nice, too" and just leave it at that.

And then when she brings another meals (something "ethnic" and tasty) he says "I know it sounds crazy, but... I think she's remarkable." Or something like that.

As far as the name, OP could use her own name, but Cathy/Kathy may be more believable. k?

So the man is supposed to pretend even after this absurd role-play game that this was their first meeting, and that he then went on to contact her, after this vacation, and start dating her.

This is beyond immature, k?

But your details are cute. "Something 'ethnic' and tasty"! "I know it sounds crazy but...I think she's remarkable." What a great line of dialogue. Go write it as romantic fiction, which is all it is. It's not how grown-ups behave in the real world. But maybe you self-publish it online! You could be the next whoever that Twilight writer is!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

I am an ex wife who said the ex in your case is too enmeshed. I actually don’t see anything wrong with papers not finalized. It’s a lot of paperwork, and our relationship with ex wasn’t always amicable so it took me a few years to finalize. I didn’t date but I also wasn’t in any way attracted to my ex.
So, per se it’s nothing. It’s her behavior that’s suss.

OP: yes, this. They are definitely not together and haven't been for a long time; they've been living separately and have a custody schedule. I don't have any concerns about them getting back together and I don't believe that either of them want to. My concern is only over whether this signals poor boundaries and/or bad judgement on his part, and whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who goes on vacation with his ex, even if it's just a one-time thing.

I don’t think his boundaries are poor and I don’t think he has poor judgment. I think you just need to decide if his chosen boundaries are incompatible with your being satisfied with your relationship with him.

Anonymous wrote:If you trust him, then what’s the problem? It’s nice for their kids to have both parents there on the vacation.

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t think his boundaries are poor and I don’t think he has poor judgment. I think you just need to decide if his chosen boundaries are incompatible with your being satisfied with your relationship with him.

I mean...come on. Who knows if this guy has poor boundaries or judgement. But inviting your ex on vacation with your extended family, while separated and not divorced yet, no matter what the circumstances are (ie ex's illness), is confusing at best for *everyone*, most notably the kids, but also OP (and the guy's family!). Look, divorce sucks, which is why you have to really be a grown-up and draw crystal clear lines about what's happening. The time for will-we-or-won't-we is past, and folks who live in nebulous territory pull a whole lot of people along with them, which really isn't fair.

Again I'm not saying the guy's bad news. But framing this as a completely benign event that is merely OP's job to tolerate (or not) is pretty disingenuous. Sure, she can vote with her feet. But I'm assuming she's got pretty normal, monogamous expectations of this relationship, in which she's invested 7 mos. They both have kids and have established a timeline of those kids meeting. She's invested. Knowing this, if dude wants some half in/half out situation, he's kind of a d*ck.

I don’t think his boundaries are poor and I don’t think he has poor judgment. I think you just need to decide if his chosen boundaries are incompatible with your being satisfied with your relationship with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your BF sounds like kind, compassionate and is able to think of the kids bs the crazy ex drama we see from so many. In the situation you describe, I would be 100% fine with it. The only way I would ever date someone who is divorced with minor children is if they had a mature, amiable relationship with their ex and are able to co-parent their kids in a healthy manner. Sounds like that’s the kind your BF has.

He sounds like a kind person.

If it's meant to be, he will go and enjoy the time with his family and kids, allowing his kids to have both biologicals on vacation and come back the same.

But, you really don't have any power or control and are a bit psycho if you put a foot down.

Anonymous wrote:OP, your BF sounds like kind, compassionate and is able to think of the kids bs the crazy ex drama we see from so many. In the situation you describe, I would be 100% fine with it. The only way I would ever date someone who is divorced with minor children is if they had a mature, amiable relationship with their ex and are able to co-parent their kids in a healthy manner. Sounds like that’s the kind your BF has.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moreover, this man is near the edge of spousal abandonment (likely, due to the wife being sick and not capable in bed for a while). And OP is preying on a vulnerable family situation just when they need to stick together, and the wife needs most support! She's been trying to pull the blanket from his wife and kids, and also complains about it!

There are women that are so incredibly selfish it amazes me.

Yep. And it’s weird that OP can’t figure this out for herself but wants to be able to label the BF as “bad” or “boundary crossing.” Dating with kids and exes is always going to be complicated and there are a million different ways to handle this. At one point I had a separated BF who spent weeks intensely helping his ex finish her dissertation - because they were in similar fields, and she had put aside her dissertation while raising their child. Then they separated and she needed to go on the job market ASAP. I thought that was really cool and never for a second worried about it. They had probably had a long-standing intellectual engagement in her research, and it was right for him to support her career that way. It showed he is a very loyal and reliable person (and he showed that to me too.)

But were they spending the night, under the same roof? That’s quite different.

It’s not really different unless you have some weird Mike Pence rule. They were spending all day together in an apartment - if they were going to dramatically rekindle things it could have happened then. I am actually a really jealous person but I had zero concerns about it.