Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

\

OP, you ALL need the focus needs to shift off SIL and onto BIL's own mental and physical health and the developing eating disorder and other mental distress of the child.

ONLY when they are both healthier and stable should the SIL be focused on.

Oxygen mask.

SIL is mentally ill. That CANNOT be allowed to drag down 3 lives. He needs to help himself to be able to help anyone else. Since he has asked you and DH for help, start there.

If he has insurance coverage for it, a program like https://www.virtahealth.com/ or https://mylevel2.com/ could be ideal, both have strong track records and there is education, remote monitoring and social support.

All of the ways that your SIL's severe mental illness manifests are just that. Continued focus on her changing while the daughter's mental health is tanking as well as the physical and mental health of BIL is CRAZY. Please tell me you see that. The enmeshment needs to end and triage start.

BIL needs to manage his OWN mental and physical health. He needs to get his child help stat. THOSE are the things he has complete control over and is responsible for. Support him there. He has asked for help, start with him and niece. He may also benefit from Al Anon and NAMI but ONLY once he has an actionable plan for own physical health and once he has therapy in place for himself and eating disorder therapist for DC who is knowledgeable about ARFD, contact link above for resources in his area. He can't save anyone if he is not getting healthier himself. He also needs to model that for DC. He also needs to get DC targeted knowledgeable help. Her being independent might be a child who has been more or less left to raise herself. Once she has individual treatment in place she may also benefit from Alateen meetings. Growing up with a severely mentally ill parent is very difficult and she needs to learn to separate in a healthy way and not use her mom's disordered behavior as a role model. An nutritional deficiencies need to be addressed ASAP.

Focus where change is possible. He needs to take care of himself and lead from the front. Next, your niece urgently needs help as she seems to be developing mental illness herself or imitating ill behavior.

You do realize that your SIL is very mentally ill and may never change, don't you? So making the well being of 2 additional people contingent on a mentally ill person not being mentally ill is crazy too? Oxygen mask for BIL first - something like Virta or Ozempic STAT. An ARFD therapist for niece. Those can be gotten in place very quickly and BIL needs a therapist with experience with mentally ill spouses, maybe NAMI will have some referrals or the link above may have suggestions for BIL too. SIL may become interested in help if others in the family are changing, or not. But, she cannot drag down 2 others, esp a child, who may have nutritional deficiencies and who is becoming disordered and perhaps isolated herself. She needs every support to live a life different than her mother and to be free of or have a plan to manage mental illness herself. Support your BIL but keep the focus on him and the child FIRST. The whole situation is very sad, but, he seems motivated to change and he has support in you and DH, plus he is employed and has insurance. That is all enough to at least start to save himself and DC. Every effort needs to be made to give her the option of living a life that is broader than her mother and mentally healthier. Maybe have her come visit for a few weeks of respite and a chance to see what a healthier family looks and feels like?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

I am the PP with a child with ARFID. This was a very inflammatory take on the disorder. Many people with ARFID also have severe reflux or other underlying medical conditions. It is a new and complex diagnosis and I do not know a single person who has ever received in patient therapy for it, and have only read of it happening for patients who need a feeding tube. The vast majority of the time the gold standard for people over the age of 8 is CBT.

If your SIL was open to talking to a therapist generally that might help but rushing in trying to get her commited or something is not going to be helpful.

It’s insane her DH just waited and did nothing all these years and is trying to get her to cook pasta. He needs to take a looooootttttt of responsibility for his health and his kids.

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

OP here. This is one of tho most helpful posts Ive seen. I had never heard of avoidant disorder prior to today. By the way SIL has a shopping addiction and is a hoarder too. I will read up a lot on this and will send him this info.

He should run

MEDA may be able to steer him to a therapist who can help his daughter with her own disordered eating.

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

Your SIL is mentally ill. She has at least one psychiatric condition, an avoidant restrictive eating disorder, and likely others, depression, etc.

She does not need to be on board and the focus needs to be moved off her as some kind of gatekeeper.

BIL needs to take charge of his heath and pass on the Captain Crunch. He needs to provide healthy food to his daughter and get her therapy for her own developing avoidant restrictive eating disorder. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8089271/

One person's mental illness does not need to and should not be allowed to drag down 3 people. If he eats healthy and lower carb (protein and veg NOT pasta w/jarred sauce w/sugar in it) he may reverse own diabetes, esp if he takes up exercise. He should also get himself into counseling and see if the messages from Al Anon resonate, there are Zoom and phone meetings. If he has the money he should order healthy meal delivery for 2.

The mentally ill are unlikely to change. Think hoarding and the like. He needs to focus on what HE can control, himself and at least attempt to support the well being of his child. Her being groomed into an eating disorder by a mentally ill parent is not it. CODA may be another resource that could help him see the need to detach with love and knock off the enmeshment. His child cannot be getting proper nutrition.

Only once he and the child are healthier and have made progress in therapy should SIL's issues be focused on. She may need inpatient treatment, at minimum a qualified psych eval and outpatient treatment plus likely meds. https://psychcentral.com/eating-disorders/avoidant-restrictive-food-intake-disorder-symptoms#symptoms Even for ARFD she is on the extreme end. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/effective-treatments-adults-arfid
https://www.reddit.com/r/ARFID/comments/aqua62/can_you_have_arfid_and_be_overweight/

Even depression in a parent can have significant effects on kids, he really needs to step up and shield her. He may well be depressed and overwhelmed himself, thus the need to get support and an actionable plan re: HIS physical and mental health first. Oxygen mask. Since he has asked for help, start there.

Anonymous wrote:Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. It's a mental disorder.

Here's a story - https://torontosun.com/news/weird/british-woman-eats-only-fries-potato-chips-and-chicken-nuggets

I am the PP with a child who has done years of feeding therapy. My child has ARFID. In there case there is an unlikely physical component but that is not always true. I did not mention the name of the diagnosis because if my SIL decided to try and diagnose my child I would be beyond livid (my child is not over weight but we come across as very accommodating and get a lot of judgment as a result). I don’t explain our situation to people unless I trust them. If you start going down the road of reading possible diagnoses please do so only to try and understand where she is coming from.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to some of the smug people on here, but my kids also eat mostly processed food, lots of pizza, love nuggets, pasta, avoid veggies. And they’re teens and they’re rail thin. This is not as simple as saying that “junk” = obese. This isn’t a black and white issue, much less a moral one.

Ha ha, I am chuckling at this post. Many teens can gorge themselves on junk food and not gain weight. They are growing. SIL is a middle aged woman. Big difference.

Agree. Growing teens are generally rail thin, even if they eat bacon fat. The problem is when they stop growing and yet continue to eat processed foods. I've watched rail thin teens become plump twenty-somethings with cheekbones and jawlines lost in a swelling of neck and face fat. My own ex-H was like that too, and he believed he could keep eating chips and junk food without ever exercising and without gaining weight because he was a skinny teen. In his 50s now he's been battling his growing gut for nearly 2 decades and on the cusp of diabetes.

Agree. And the issue here is not eating pizza, nuggets or pasta. It’s how this food is made. If it’s processed there are likely lots of additives and chemicals in them. That stuff rots you from the inside out. It leads to gut issues that lead to all types of other issues.

Pizza, nuggets, pasta that is actually made out of real, non gmo FOOD, not chemicals is great, but the FDA allows all types of straight up chemical crap in what we call “food” in America.

“Gut issues” is “alternative health” woo and the fact that you quoted “non-GMO” means you know nothing. Oops.

I’m not that poster but wow, you like to show off your ignorance, don’t you? Go educate yourself on the current studies on intestinal bacteria and obesity. You are wildly behind the times.

No. You are on the MLM and DO side of “the times.”

Intestinal bacteria poster is definitely not an MLM type. Definitely read up on some of the emerging science involving the gut microbiome. These are in peer reviewed journals. Not an MLM type magazine.

This is obviously clear to anyone who is scientifically literate, but DCUMs rabid fat shamers are scientifically illiterate. It’s on-brand for them to assume science they don’t understand is an MLM.

what is MLM? The posters who keep claiming there is "fat shaming" on this thread are looney tunes IMO. Not only are they anti-science but anti-reality. If you can't use the word "fat" then maybe no one is actually fat?

Her DH is free to divorce her and find himself a normal woman

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to some of the smug people on here, but my kids also eat mostly processed food, lots of pizza, love nuggets, pasta, avoid veggies. And they’re teens and they’re rail thin. This is not as simple as saying that “junk” = obese. This isn’t a black and white issue, much less a moral one.

Ha ha, I am chuckling at this post. Many teens can gorge themselves on junk food and not gain weight. They are growing. SIL is a middle aged woman. Big difference.

Agree. Growing teens are generally rail thin, even if they eat bacon fat. The problem is when they stop growing and yet continue to eat processed foods. I've watched rail thin teens become plump twenty-somethings with cheekbones and jawlines lost in a swelling of neck and face fat. My own ex-H was like that too, and he believed he could keep eating chips and junk food without ever exercising and without gaining weight because he was a skinny teen. In his 50s now he's been battling his growing gut for nearly 2 decades and on the cusp of diabetes.

Agree. And the issue here is not eating pizza, nuggets or pasta. It’s how this food is made. If it’s processed there are likely lots of additives and chemicals in them. That stuff rots you from the inside out. It leads to gut issues that lead to all types of other issues.

Pizza, nuggets, pasta that is actually made out of real, non gmo FOOD, not chemicals is great, but the FDA allows all types of straight up chemical crap in what we call “food” in America.

“Gut issues” is “alternative health” woo and the fact that you quoted “non-GMO” means you know nothing. Oops.

I’m not that poster but wow, you like to show off your ignorance, don’t you? Go educate yourself on the current studies on intestinal bacteria and obesity. You are wildly behind the times.

No. You are on the MLM and DO side of “the times.”

Intestinal bacteria poster is definitely not an MLM type. Definitely read up on some of the emerging science involving the gut microbiome. These are in peer reviewed journals. Not an MLM type magazine.

This is obviously clear to anyone who is scientifically literate, but DCUMs rabid fat shamers are scientifically illiterate. It’s on-brand for them to assume science they don’t understand is an MLM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to some of the smug people on here, but my kids also eat mostly processed food, lots of pizza, love nuggets, pasta, avoid veggies. And they’re teens and they’re rail thin. This is not as simple as saying that “junk” = obese. This isn’t a black and white issue, much less a moral one.

Ha ha, I am chuckling at this post. Many teens can gorge themselves on junk food and not gain weight. They are growing. SIL is a middle aged woman. Big difference.

Agree. Growing teens are generally rail thin, even if they eat bacon fat. The problem is when they stop growing and yet continue to eat processed foods. I've watched rail thin teens become plump twenty-somethings with cheekbones and jawlines lost in a swelling of neck and face fat. My own ex-H was like that too, and he believed he could keep eating chips and junk food without ever exercising and without gaining weight because he was a skinny teen. In his 50s now he's been battling his growing gut for nearly 2 decades and on the cusp of diabetes.

Agree. And the issue here is not eating pizza, nuggets or pasta. It’s how this food is made. If it’s processed there are likely lots of additives and chemicals in them. That stuff rots you from the inside out. It leads to gut issues that lead to all types of other issues.

Pizza, nuggets, pasta that is actually made out of real, non gmo FOOD, not chemicals is great, but the FDA allows all types of straight up chemical crap in what we call “food” in America.

“Gut issues” is “alternative health” woo and the fact that you quoted “non-GMO” means you know nothing. Oops.

I’m not that poster but wow, you like to show off your ignorance, don’t you? Go educate yourself on the current studies on intestinal bacteria and obesity. You are wildly behind the times.

No. You are on the MLM and DO side of “the times.”

Intestinal bacteria poster is definitely not an MLM type. Definitely read up on some of the emerging science involving the gut microbiome. These are in peer reviewed journals. Not an MLM type magazine.

My friend's mother suffered from ibs and c diff. Her treatment was a fecel transplant which has done wonders. She had this done by a board certified gi doc. Gut microbiome is not woo woo pseudoscience.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hate to break it to some of the smug people on here, but my kids also eat mostly processed food, lots of pizza, love nuggets, pasta, avoid veggies. And they’re teens and they’re rail thin. This is not as simple as saying that “junk” = obese. This isn’t a black and white issue, much less a moral one.

Ha ha, I am chuckling at this post. Many teens can gorge themselves on junk food and not gain weight. They are growing. SIL is a middle aged woman. Big difference.

Agree. Growing teens are generally rail thin, even if they eat bacon fat. The problem is when they stop growing and yet continue to eat processed foods. I've watched rail thin teens become plump twenty-somethings with cheekbones and jawlines lost in a swelling of neck and face fat. My own ex-H was like that too, and he believed he could keep eating chips and junk food without ever exercising and without gaining weight because he was a skinny teen. In his 50s now he's been battling his growing gut for nearly 2 decades and on the cusp of diabetes.

Agree. And the issue here is not eating pizza, nuggets or pasta. It’s how this food is made. If it’s processed there are likely lots of additives and chemicals in them. That stuff rots you from the inside out. It leads to gut issues that lead to all types of other issues.

Pizza, nuggets, pasta that is actually made out of real, non gmo FOOD, not chemicals is great, but the FDA allows all types of straight up chemical crap in what we call “food” in America.

“Gut issues” is “alternative health” woo and the fact that you quoted “non-GMO” means you know nothing. Oops.

I’m not that poster but wow, you like to show off your ignorance, don’t you? Go educate yourself on the current studies on intestinal bacteria and obesity. You are wildly behind the times.

No. You are on the MLM and DO side of “the times.”

Intestinal bacteria poster is definitely not an MLM type. Definitely read up on some of the emerging science involving the gut microbiome. These are in peer reviewed journals. Not an MLM type magazine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. It's a mental disorder.

Here's a story - https://torontosun.com/news/weird/british-woman-eats-only-fries-potato-chips-and-chicken-nuggets

and op has no business being involved. None.

Who reports to CPS? Do people call CPS on themselves? Kids can't live on pizza, hot dogs, and Pepsi.

CPS? You are kidding. Please educate yourself before chiming in again. Wow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. It's a mental disorder.

Here's a story - https://torontosun.com/news/weird/british-woman-eats-only-fries-potato-chips-and-chicken-nuggets

and op has no business being involved. None.

Who reports to CPS? Do people call CPS on themselves? Kids can't live on pizza, hot dogs, and Pepsi.

Kid has apparently managed to live until high school on what SIL is feeding, so maybe this should have been addressed sooner?

The county has seen babies fed crushed oreos in water by bottle. The baby was alive. But likely not healthy.

#fail

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some of you seem to have a low opinion of BIL too. In defense of him. He never minded when she was overweight etc. It was only when she developed all these health issues including diabetes and now neuropathy etc that he is starting to panic. Plus combined with his own health woes that could be vastly improved with diet.

Agreed it would not end well if we sat down with SIL. If I were carrying an extra 150 lbs I'd be sitting on the couch too. But something has got to give.

And once again, that “something” does not involve you. In. Any. Way.