Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 17:51     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
So do you people honestly invite every member of your family every time you do something fun?
I mean I have a sister who loves to go skiing so we do that I have two sisters who love to bake so we get together and do that my other sister does scrapbooking so I do that with her. Why this need to include everyone I seriously don't get it. I mean for holidays or a birthday party sure for just a family vacation?

No offense but I would hate to be invited to everything my sisters planned or did that seems totally exhausting. And I really want to want to have to make up excuses for why I didn't want to go do stuff that I wasn't interested in or that wasn't a good fit for my family. Because if families like yours are expecting to hang out all the time yeah you're probably going to be upset when I bail.
Are my family you invite who you think would want to go and who you want to be with if they say no they say no no one really cares. We'll have great relationships and do tons together just not every single thing.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 17:45     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
I dated a guy whose family constantly had to do everything together all the time even though he very clearly got along better with the one brother than the other. I saw the resentment build over time and he actually refused to do things as a large group because they were so un enjoyable.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 17:44     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
OP doesn't care about her sister's feelings. Op doesn't want to do the right thing.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 17:42     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
This board makes me so thankful I have the sisters I do. We plan things and invite who we please and no one is all butt hurt about it because something else will come along down the pike that is better suited for our wants and interests. I couldn't imagine for going fun trips or vacations or restaurants or things that not every single one of us would absolutely love to go do is able to go do and would enjoy. What kind of Life do you people live that you're constantly catering to the lowest common denominator?
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 16:51     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
I have two siblings (one with kids and the second without) and two of them went on vacation without inviting me (married w/ kids) and I was very hurt. YMMV.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 15:25     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you actually TALK to your sister about this. Maybe she can work something out with your parents or her in laws to keep the kids while she and her husband come. Or maybe even she comes on her own for a few days while kids stay with her husband.


I will, but obviously this vacation is not tomorrow or next week, given that I'm driving and it's August (e.g. we obviously aren't going to South America!). So, at some point between now and Christmas, when I know more details, I'll say to her "Hey just so you know, we're going to . . . "

She isn't going to leave a 5 month old breastfed child for multiple nights. If this was her first child, or her second, I might not know that, but it's her fourth. I have seen enough of her parenting to have a vague idea of the kinds of choices she would make, and I know that she would not do that unless it was something more important than a vacation. Which is fair enough, especially because I wouldn't have either when my kids were 5 months old. So, extending an invitation that's contingent on her leaving the baby behind is the same as not inviting her, or possibly more hurtful.


The bolded is a bit silly and not true.

I don't get all this drama. Just text her and say something like "Larla, I wanted to let you know I'm planning a ski trip with the kids. Sissy is interested in bringing her kids. Little Sissy might also be interested, I haven't checked. Of course you are welcome, but I assume you probably won't want to join because of baby Larlo. Hope you are all well."



I'm really confused why you think I should send a text that says "Of course you are welcome" when I would rather cancel the trip than go with her if she brings the kids.

People are saying "well just tell her not to bring the kids". So, I asked how that would also not be hurtful. Obviously, if I leave that part out of the text then it stops being hurtful.

I won't do this by text since this is someone I see all the time. I'm not that b*tchy.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 15:19     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you actually TALK to your sister about this. Maybe she can work something out with your parents or her in laws to keep the kids while she and her husband come. Or maybe even she comes on her own for a few days while kids stay with her husband.


I will, but obviously this vacation is not tomorrow or next week, given that I'm driving and it's August (e.g. we obviously aren't going to South America!). So, at some point between now and Christmas, when I know more details, I'll say to her "Hey just so you know, we're going to . . . "

She isn't going to leave a 5 month old breastfed child for multiple nights. If this was her first child, or her second, I might not know that, but it's her fourth. I have seen enough of her parenting to have a vague idea of the kinds of choices she would make, and I know that she would not do that unless it was something more important than a vacation. Which is fair enough, especially because I wouldn't have either when my kids were 5 months old. So, extending an invitation that's contingent on her leaving the baby behind is the same as not inviting her, or possibly more hurtful.


The bolded is a bit silly and not true.

I don't get all this drama. Just text her and say something like "Larla, I wanted to let you know I'm planning a ski trip with the kids. Sissy is interested in bringing her kids. Little Sissy might also be interested, I haven't checked. Of course you are welcome, but I assume you probably won't want to join because of baby Larlo. Hope you are all well."
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 14:13     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:If you decide to move forward with only inviting two of your three sisters, I would be absolutely sure that the sisters you are inviting know in advance that that is the case, and that they are in agreement, or at least comfortable with the situation. Personally, in my family, I would not touch that vacation with a 10 foot (ski!) pole, and would feel really put in the middle of A situation that’s both uncomfortable and possibly with relationship repercussions.

You also mentioned that your sister with the four children has kids up to the age of 10. how old are her oldest kids, and can they ski, or could they be in ski school? if so, you could offer to bring her older kids with you and she could stay home with the younger ones (of course with her paying for her kids skiing and such). That might feel much less exclusionary. Or, you could let her know and offer that option, or alternatively that they, with their larger nuclear family, I stay in another condo so as not to need to disrupt the wider groups schedules.

As an aside, if you’re older sisters children are older than yours, you might want to consider that they may feel the same way about your kids as your kids may feel about the younger four kids of your other sister. at least in my experience, older cousins have the benefits of being older, thought of as wiser and leaders, but there’s also some responsibility that comes with that and younger kids often want to spend time with their older cousins, and it can get in the way a bit at times. I don’t know your family ages and dynamic, but maybe think of it as your kids’ turn to be the big kid cousins.



My oldest sister is the one who initiated this, so I know she's OK with it. If her kids aren't OK with it, then they don't have to hang with my kids. Knowing my oldest sister, she asked her kids before she reached out to us. Obviously, we wouldn't invite our baby sister without telling her who is coming on the trip.

My kids are the "big cousins" a lot.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 13:49     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
If you decide to move forward with only inviting two of your three sisters, I would be absolutely sure that the sisters you are inviting know in advance that that is the case, and that they are in agreement, or at least comfortable with the situation. Personally, in my family, I would not touch that vacation with a 10 foot (ski!) pole, and would feel really put in the middle of A situation that’s both uncomfortable and possibly with relationship repercussions.

You also mentioned that your sister with the four children has kids up to the age of 10. how old are her oldest kids, and can they ski, or could they be in ski school? if so, you could offer to bring her older kids with you and she could stay home with the younger ones (of course with her paying for her kids skiing and such). That might feel much less exclusionary. Or, you could let her know and offer that option, or alternatively that they, with their larger nuclear family, I stay in another condo so as not to need to disrupt the wider groups schedules.

As an aside, if you’re older sisters children are older than yours, you might want to consider that they may feel the same way about your kids as your kids may feel about the younger four kids of your other sister. at least in my experience, older cousins have the benefits of being older, thought of as wiser and leaders, but there’s also some responsibility that comes with that and younger kids often want to spend time with their older cousins, and it can get in the way a bit at times. I don’t know your family ages and dynamic, but maybe think of it as your kids’ turn to be the big kid cousins.

Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 12:59     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:I think the best thing to do would be to take a trip with your bother sisters separately. You go skiing with your boss with the same age kids
You do something else with your baby sister.


That would be ideal. I don't have that kind of budget, or that amount of leave from work.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 12:57     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:The original poster is not having a backyard barbecue and refusing to invite the sister.


I will also add that we did lots of family gatherings with various combinations of the 3 oldest sisters families during the pandemic, and didn't invite the youngest sister because my pregnant, or recently postpartum sister wasn't comfortable with the amount of covid exposure my youngest sibling has at work. At those events, the obvious choice was to prioritize the family with young kids, both due to the safety of the baby, and due to the fact that being pregnant or having a newborn in the heat summer is hard, and she needed help.

And no, I don't resent that, or think it means I "earned" a vacation without my sister's kids. Just saying that even if was like having a backyard barbecue and leaving out one sister, well we've done things like that a ton.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 12:53     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
I think the best thing to do would be to take a trip with your bother sisters separately. You go skiing with your boss with the same age kids
You do something else with your baby sister.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 12:48     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you actually TALK to your sister about this. Maybe she can work something out with your parents or her in laws to keep the kids while she and her husband come. Or maybe even she comes on her own for a few days while kids stay with her husband.


I will, but obviously this vacation is not tomorrow or next week, given that I'm driving and it's August (e.g. we obviously aren't going to South America!). So, at some point between now and Christmas, when I know more details, I'll say to her "Hey just so you know, we're going to . . . "

She isn't going to leave a 5 month old breastfed child for multiple nights. If this was her first child, or her second, I might not know that, but it's her fourth. I have seen enough of her parenting to have a vague idea of the kinds of choices she would make, and I know that she would not do that unless it was something more important than a vacation. Which is fair enough, especially because I wouldn't have either when my kids were 5 months old. So, extending an invitation that's contingent on her leaving the baby behind is the same as not inviting her, or possibly more hurtful.
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 12:25     Subject: Re:If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:You see I think a lot of this has to do with the kids ages and to me that should be a no-brainer for the sister to why she wasn't invited. If three sisters all had 2-year-olds and were doing tot time should they invite the sister who has teenagers? No that would be stupid.

Some of you are just looking for reasons to be upset with family if you are honestly going to be upset about a vacation that is obviously not designed for where your family is at at this point in life. I guess I have a better relationship with my sisters and feel more confident that we actually care about each other than some of you. I couldn't care less if they all got together to do something that I obviously would not want to take part in or couldn't do to my family dynamic at the time. That is exactly what the ski trip is. The original poster is not having a backyard barbecue and refusing to invite the sister.

You're an adult you can plan a vacation that suits your family and invite other families that it is suited for as well. Not everything needs to be 100% inclusive all of the time that sounds exhausting to try to maintain.

This +1000
Anonymous
Post 08/20/2021 12:24     Subject: If all your siblings went on vacation without you, would you be hurt?
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you actually TALK to your sister about this. Maybe she can work something out with your parents or her in laws to keep the kids while she and her husband come. Or maybe even she comes on her own for a few days while kids stay with her husband.

I’m not OP but the baby will only be 5 months and still nursing so there isn’t a way to avoid sister bringing the baby, which means any of her other kids that want to ski will need to be watched by the other sisters and/or older cousins. But I agree, OP is there a reason you can’t talk to your sister about the trip and why her family isn’t a good fit for it? I’m guessing it’s because she will react the same way as some of the posters here, but this is a vacation you have planned and paid for so I don’t understand the need to contort your ski vacation into something that fits the needs of someone with 4 little ones. Tell her your plans, go and enjoy your long planned for ski trip.