Anonymous
06/19/2020 12:25
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Well the truth is that she IS being excluded, so her feelings are valid. The problem is, she thinks you can help with the exclusion, but you cannot or will not. You know this OP but she does not, because you haven’t been honest with her. You value your inclusion in this group more than rocking the boat on the other woman’s behalf. Ok, fine, whatever. But don’t try to have it both ways - be direct and tell her, yes you get left out but I can’t or won’t do anything about it. Then she can decide if she wants to be friends with you.
I totally second this. I think one way to get around this is to invite her kid over to some events so that the group can get to know her kid and thus make her feel like she has an “in”. For example, for the birthday parade you could have had just her kid participate with your kid and they hold the sign.
Perhaps a thought.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 12:06
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Groups of friends who click form naturally; it doesn't make the people in the group nasty or mean or malicious. It's called life. Good lord.
This is a neighborhood group of 12 or so, not “friends” in the true sense. The only thing that needs to click is that they are moms in the same geographic area. Yes, some kids will get along more than others, and those families may click MORE than some others, but they are still part of the group at large. Surely there is room for one more at their table and at least one other mom in the group this other mom would click with.
And stop with the “because their kids play together”. At that age, they play together because they know each other, or their parents do.
I think OP gets a kick out of being one of the cool moms in the group. It takes two hot seconds to try to include this woman in events, or to put friend in touch with other people in the group.
I'm the OP. Wow. I didn't expect this thread to generate such major controversy. I pretty much resent the fact that you think I get a "kick" out of this. Could you explain why you think that? This is the attitude that infects these forums, so deeply cruel and judgmental for the anonymous sake of it. You don't know me. You don't know anything about me beyond a post on a forum. Yet you feel comfortable judging my motivations, judging who I am, when I am trying to look out for someone and be kind and came here asking for advice. You have a lot of nerve.
I have a busy career and a busy life that extends far beyond my neighborhood. I came here asking for opinions because I don't know how to handle a situation where I'd like to do the right thing by someone I care about without feeling guilty when I cannot control every aspect of someone's social life. I invite this person places, go as her "wingperson" -- by driving her -- and always suggest including her when a big thing. But do you understand that when someone hosts a child's BIRTHDAY PARTY -- I cannot just insist they modify the guest list? Do you know how awkward that is? And do you know how badly I feel that this woman, my friend, does feel excluded?? And how upsetting it is to get angry texts when she sees an event and believes I have the power to fix it for her?
I don't get a "kick" out of this. You need to stop watching reality TV or something.
+1000
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:55
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:These boards often seem to bring out "projection" tendencies in people, who extrapolate situations and ascribe behaviors to the OP that have no relevance to their posts or questions. Insults also often get hurled. It's a fascinating psychological phenomenon.
Who on earth would invite someone else to another person's child's birthday party?? It's beyond rude.
+1. This thread seems divided btw two types:
1. excluded moms who see themselves in OP's description of "outsider mom," feel defensive/upset, and are lashing out at the OP.
2. moms who have been in OP's shoes, have also been enlisted by women like "outsider mom," and ended up getting really burned when they were not able to solve her problem for her.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:51
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild!
I am most curious about why the Left Out mom would want to be invited to gatherings where she hadn't been included?
I always thought people would want to be invited to do things with friends that had a mutual like of each other. Does Left Out mom think people will like her more if she is present more?
I mean.. a car parade isn't even somewhere you would have a conversation?
Is it simply wanting to belong?
Is it trying to socially engineer her child's life?
People are incredibly neurotic about things that don't bring joy to their lives
Maybe she wants to make more friends or expand her social life!
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:41
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
I know a mom just like this. It may even be the same one.
Understand that you can't win with her. You will always fail to meet her inappropriate expectations.
Also understand that she's trying to shift her problem onto you, which isn't fair. Now you know why she gets excluded from things — other moms have probably already experienced some form of pressure or discomfort or social awkwardness from her and now avoid her. As kindly as you can, detach. Some problems can't be fixed by well-intentioned acquaintances.
Understand that you can't win with her. You will always fail to meet her inappropriate expectations.
Also understand that she's trying to shift her problem onto you, which isn't fair. Now you know why she gets excluded from things — other moms have probably already experienced some form of pressure or discomfort or social awkwardness from her and now avoid her. As kindly as you can, detach. Some problems can't be fixed by well-intentioned acquaintances.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:37
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
OP sometimes these groups have deep links that are not immediately apparent. Breaking into a group can be hard and impossible. You mean well but your friend the outsider is putting you in a very awkward position.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:14
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
She wanted you to give her a heads up if anyone had an event, not necessarily invite her to other people’s events.
In essence, she wanted you to be her spy. She probably doesn’t understand it as crossing a line, which it actually does.
You can respond with:
“I’m happy to invite you to events I host, but it feels weird to tell you of other people’s events. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I hope you understand my position.”
+1,000
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:11
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
liberal
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:10
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Could it be that Left Out Mom has different views that "the group" can't abide? Maybe she's ultra-traditional or is an evangelist or conservative or just quietly believes a theology, for instance.
What if Left Out Mom isn't politically active or sends her child to a parochial school or homeschools?
Open-minded, self-proclaimed liberals are extremely accepting of only those who are as much or more libel than they.
What if Left Out Mom isn't politically active or sends her child to a parochial school or homeschools?
Open-minded, self-proclaimed liberals are extremely accepting of only those who are as much or more libel than they.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 11:06
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
This stems from a deep, deep insecurity by the "left out" mom.
I have met people like this. I think the only thing you can probbaly do if you want to maintain a relationship that is peaceful, OP, is say sorry and that you are trying your best but you can't control other people and you simply forgot about her or basically keep it simple...This person probably isn't rational and you don't really owe her anything as others have said. If you are not really sorry (and you really shouldn't be) That's ok. You didn't do anything wrong.
In general, I have found that some people also tend to blow up at people after you help them a bunch of times (with anything) but then the 10th time your help is less than or not as perfect as what they expected in your minds. They can grow to hate you more than someone who never did ANYTHING for them. In my experience.
Personally I have felt left out of some mom groups occassionally but I am more concerned about my kids than myself. I try to invite others to things and take some ownership of the situation. Maybe you can suggest that to your friend too.
I have met people like this. I think the only thing you can probbaly do if you want to maintain a relationship that is peaceful, OP, is say sorry and that you are trying your best but you can't control other people and you simply forgot about her or basically keep it simple...This person probably isn't rational and you don't really owe her anything as others have said. If you are not really sorry (and you really shouldn't be) That's ok. You didn't do anything wrong.
In general, I have found that some people also tend to blow up at people after you help them a bunch of times (with anything) but then the 10th time your help is less than or not as perfect as what they expected in your minds. They can grow to hate you more than someone who never did ANYTHING for them. In my experience.
Personally I have felt left out of some mom groups occassionally but I am more concerned about my kids than myself. I try to invite others to things and take some ownership of the situation. Maybe you can suggest that to your friend too.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 10:49
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
This is tangential... but the people who really believe that second graders don’t have friend preferences and are equally happy with whoever you choose for them to play with are doing it wrong. GTFU of your kids’ social lives. 2 year olds? Sure. 8 year olds? No freakin way. My 5 year old has very clear friend preferences. Last year, her best friend in her class was a really nice kid whose parents I had literally never met. This was still her #1 choice friend for play dates and first on her birthday party invite list. Sure, she’s happy to play with most of my friends’ kids too since she’s known them her whole life, but no preferences? Crazy talk.
Anonymous
06/19/2020 09:09
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:This thread is wild!
I am most curious about why the Left Out mom would want to be invited to gatherings where she hadn't been included?
I always thought people would want to be invited to do things with friends that had a mutual like of each other. Does Left Out mom think people will like her more if she is present more?
I mean.. a car parade isn't even somewhere you would have a conversation?
Is it simply wanting to belong?
Is it trying to socially engineer her child's life?
People are incredibly neurotic about things that don't bring joy to their lives
It's probably just FOMO, fear of missing out, which is understandable, but the way she turned on her one friend that's been inviting her is not.
Anonymous
06/18/2020 22:02
Subject: When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
This thread is wild!
I am most curious about why the Left Out mom would want to be invited to gatherings where she hadn't been included?
I always thought people would want to be invited to do things with friends that had a mutual like of each other. Does Left Out mom think people will like her more if she is present more?
I mean.. a car parade isn't even somewhere you would have a conversation?
Is it simply wanting to belong?
Is it trying to socially engineer her child's life?
People are incredibly neurotic about things that don't bring joy to their lives
I am most curious about why the Left Out mom would want to be invited to gatherings where she hadn't been included?
I always thought people would want to be invited to do things with friends that had a mutual like of each other. Does Left Out mom think people will like her more if she is present more?
I mean.. a car parade isn't even somewhere you would have a conversation?
Is it simply wanting to belong?
Is it trying to socially engineer her child's life?
People are incredibly neurotic about things that don't bring joy to their lives
Anonymous
06/18/2020 19:32
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would invite the friend to events that I host. I would tell her if someone was having an event with no details, e.g.
"Larla's mom is having an event for Larla's birthday. You would have to contact her for details and if the invitation is open or not."
And leave it at that. I would not give details about events that I am not hosting. She can ask the host if she wants to, but I am not giving out details to events that I am not hosting for, not even a drive-by. To me, even that is crossing the boundary of what is appropriate and I don't need to be blackballed by the others for inviting other people to their events.
Why? Why does anyone have to tell others about events that other people are hosting? If those people wanted to invite to invite the other, they'd be invited. This isn't mean girl behavior, by the way. I've been excluded from things before and I do go out of my way to make sure others are included in the the things I host, but you all are going way beyond that and it's frankly ridiculous.
JFC. Do you always have to be "right"? No, you don't "have to" but how hard is it to say so? Life is full of things you don't "have to" do but it doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice if you did. Geez.
NP but no, it’s not “nice” to basically encourage someone to invite themselves to another person’s gathering or put that host on the spot. You have no idea why she wasn’t invited to the other person’s party, that’s not your business.
Anonymous
06/18/2020 17:27
Subject: Re:When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Groups of friends who click form naturally; it doesn't make the people in the group nasty or mean or malicious. It's called life. Good lord.
+1
Lots of insecure people on this thread.
Oh please. I have plenty of friends and a very tight knit group that I socialize with regularly. But we are also kind and don't judge -which is what OP did in her most recent posts- people for being awkward or introverted or whatever. We are inclusive, as well. And frankly, if this other mom wanted to be included, we would. And where we/I didn't, and if I was asked about it, I would have a conversation about her expectations, what I was willing to do, etc. That's what adults do. Op is making this way overcomplicated b/c, I agree withe other posters, she seems to be relishing her status. Well, good for her I guess. I am glad I have better friends.
Oh dear. *applauds pallidly*
The OP didn't judge her -- someone asked if she had any idea why the person was overlooked and she speculated on why. That's not being judgmental. Your antenna seems to be tuned to this, for whatever reason...