Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Guess what-- those of us who are working parents do ALL of those things. It is very doable.

+1
Typical SAHM excuses.

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Of course not. His wife has a f/t job. If she increases her hours she'll have 2 jobs.

Anonymous wrote:While agree the wife needs to step up her contribution to the household, who really think the husband is doing all he says he is??? My guy would also say he cooks, cleans and helps with the kids, what that really means is he does an occasional weekend breakfast or dinner, runs a load of sheets if I’ve been ill and asks the kids how their day was before wandering off to stare at his phone! Also op said the cleaner comes in 1 ever 3 weeks big whoop, that’s not covering the daily grind of keeping a house clean! And yes I work from home making over 100k not my fault he couldn’t manage the same!

+100

I work full time and manage the house and it SUCKS. In total I work so many more hours than my husband. Many men are in true denial about this phenomenon.

She probably knows if she goes back f/t she'll have another job with the kids and house.

Anonymous wrote:I’d also love to work PT. What surprises me most is that your wife doesn’t prioritize her kids future over her desire to stay home. It seems it’s ok with her for them to start their lives saddled with student loan debt. That alone would motivate me.

Because she is selfish. She cares more about not working than about her family.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

You assume people are having kids before age 35. Plenty start at 40, and started working parttime at 15-16 in HS.

I think the HS years are actually the most important to have a very involved, on the pulse parent so your children aren’t getting into the many vices that could have serious long term effects on them, such as drugs, unprotected sex, social media over sharing/bad behavior/bullying/ nude pics.

The stakes are actually much higher and have more consequence than tears from a first grader that wasn’t invited to a birthday party.

I pay way more attention to friend group, demeanor, where my children are, who they are with, what they are doing, than I did supervising an after school play date for 3rd graders.

I'm sorry but if the gender roles were reversed and a woman was posting that she was tired of carrying the full financial load, esp with college looming, and her husband only worked very part time but could easily ramp up and the kids were in HIGH SCHOOL, there would be no question what the consensus would be....it would be 'tell your lazy DH to get back to work."


Both parents should contibute as much as they can to the overall welfare of the family. If there's a disagreement about what that looks like, they should come to a reasonable solution. Its reasonable to expect someone to work and bring in more income if they can and if there's a need (and sorry, yes, one GS 15 salary is not sending multiple kids to college) and there are not overwhelming demands on their time otherwise.

As for who is doing the cooking, cleaning, etc--newsflash. Plenty of non wealthy households with two working parents manage it. We do. Maybe our house is not spotless, I don't do PTA crap, our meals are simple, we have to juggle appointments but it is more than possible. And our kids are not anywhere close to HS, I still read to them at night and oversee lunches, baths, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

You can say the same about OPs wife. Women want equality, but refuse to work. Their children have two parents, and it's every much her responsibility to provide for them as it is his. She sounds lazy and wants to socialize with her SAHM friends.

OP, you won't get helpful responses because this board is filled with SAHMs and women who want to bag high earning men so they can be lazy and not work.

Woman here. I would take a high earning husband who loves me over equality anyday. Sorry it’s the truth. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. Not that she may have to work more but because he is a not high earner who doesn’t seem to love her very much.

This is what many women find. My husband knew I would be in and out of the work force, pretty much said it's up to me. We also live beneath our means and still have 2 retirements, and one home paid off. OP and his wife can scale back, the kids can get loans and scholarships for college.

If I were one of OP’s kids and knew my mom chose not to work in order to save/pay for college and I had to take out a loan because of it I would be resentful. That is the height of selfishness. I guarantee your kids would rather have paid college.

OPs wife does work. They can contribute but kids can also get loans for college. Many kids with both parents working still have to do that, not a big deal. Not every kid feels entitled in that way...

OP,
My husband and I have this very same conversation once a year or so , though I earn quite a bit more working part time, with 2 school aged children, and always agree that it makes sense for me to just work part time.
I would say we are comfortable, but still have to budget, make sure we stay within our means, cut corners.
These are our reasons, yours may be different:

1. Our children are in a wide variety of after school activities and we do not want them in aftercare at the same school they were at all day, or home with a sitter (that is hard to fine Btw!)
Because school ends at 315, I do the transporting to/from all these activities we agree we want them to do.

2. I do all the household things so he can come home at 630-7 pm and just spend time with the kids. He does nothing during the week and that’s his precious time with them. I agree and want him to have this time.

3. We don’t have any outside help so I am contributing that way, see above. I do all the outside work as well. I know people say “oh it’s just a point and click” but I don’t find that I can point and click my lawn mowed, new weed barrier laid down, weeds killed, 26 bags of mulch laid like I did my last day off during the week. And they will say “but that was just once and doesn’t need to be done every day” and I will say “well today I’m surrounded by bills, our stock portfolio, taxes, a report from our financial planner and I can’t point and click that either”
So take that for what it’s worth, my husband does none of this.

4. We value our family time. Weekends are for our adventure and time together. We are not doing errands. Everything is done and we’re ready to enjoy our children. They are only with us for another 6-10 years and then off to college and their own life and we want to soak up every second with them.

I hope this offers a little perspective.

While agree the wife needs to step up her contribution to the household, who really think the husband is doing all he says he is??? My guy would also say he cooks, cleans and helps with the kids, what that really means is he does an occasional weekend breakfast or dinner, runs a load of sheets if I’ve been ill and asks the kids how their day was before wandering off to stare at his phone! Also op said the cleaner comes in 1 ever 3 weeks big whoop, that’s not covering the daily grind of keeping a house clean! And yes I work from home making over 100k not my fault he couldn’t manage the same!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

You can say the same about OPs wife. Women want equality, but refuse to work. Their children have two parents, and it's every much her responsibility to provide for them as it is his. She sounds lazy and wants to socialize with her SAHM friends.

OP, you won't get helpful responses because this board is filled with SAHMs and women who want to bag high earning men so they can be lazy and not work.

Woman here. I would take a high earning husband who loves me over equality anyday. Sorry it’s the truth. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. Not that she may have to work more but because he is a not high earner who doesn’t seem to love her very much.

Well than why don’t you go out and become a high earner? Why do you feel so entitled for a man to support you?

I am a high earner. I don’t feel ENTITLED to it, I just strongly prefer it despite not having it because, well, it’s 2020 and I adapt to the world we live in and also my personal circumstances. But my personal ideal and dream would be a loving marriage with a high earner who I supported with love and taking everything else off his plate. I never asked for feminism, I was just born into a world where 2 income households are essential for most.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

You can say the same about OPs wife. Women want equality, but refuse to work. Their children have two parents, and it's every much her responsibility to provide for them as it is his. She sounds lazy and wants to socialize with her SAHM friends.

OP, you won't get helpful responses because this board is filled with SAHMs and women who want to bag high earning men so they can be lazy and not work.

Woman here. I would take a high earning husband who loves me over equality anyday. Sorry it’s the truth. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. Not that she may have to work more but because he is a not high earner who doesn’t seem to love her very much.

This is what many women find. My husband knew I would be in and out of the work force, pretty much said it's up to me. We also live beneath our means and still have 2 retirements, and one home paid off. OP and his wife can scale back, the kids can get loans and scholarships for college.

If I were one of OP’s kids and knew my mom chose not to work in order to save/pay for college and I had to take out a loan because of it I would be resentful. That is the height of selfishness. I guarantee your kids would rather have paid college.

This. Especially because OP’s wife is in a high demand career that she can easily ramp up in: and her work hours would be fixed, there would be no 40 hours slipping to 50 to meet deadlines.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is insane. Op and his wife had an agreement she would go back to work, she’s in a highly sought after role where she can ramp up to a decent salary, and her kids are in HS so her obligations to them are minimal.

And people are saying that OP should get a better job or work longer hours? And that the kids should get jobs? So that mom can spend the next 45 years hanging out because she worked 15 hard years???? You people are off your f-ing rocker.

First rule of SAH club: you always defend SAH.

This. The first many pages of this thread were filled with SAH that are threatened that their husbands will call them on the same thing. So they are scrambling to defend their existence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dude, you did not achieve your potential if you could not support your family.

You can say the same about OPs wife. Women want equality, but refuse to work. Their children have two parents, and it's every much her responsibility to provide for them as it is his. She sounds lazy and wants to socialize with her SAHM friends.

OP, you won't get helpful responses because this board is filled with SAHMs and women who want to bag high earning men so they can be lazy and not work.

Woman here. I would take a high earning husband who loves me over equality anyday. Sorry it’s the truth. I feel so bad for OP’s wife. Not that she may have to work more but because he is a not high earner who doesn’t seem to love her very much.

This is what many women find. My husband knew I would be in and out of the work force, pretty much said it's up to me. We also live beneath our means and still have 2 retirements, and one home paid off. OP and his wife can scale back, the kids can get loans and scholarships for college.

If I were one of OP’s kids and knew my mom chose not to work in order to save/pay for college and I had to take out a loan because of it I would be resentful. That is the height of selfishness. I guarantee your kids would rather have paid college.