Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 13:16     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.


We have a special needs kid and no sex life and are now wondering out loud if we should just divorce so we can each at least have alternating weekends for a chance to have a love and sex life again. I make a lot of money, wife stays home. It may not just be about the money. Wishing you well


PP here. Same to you - I wish you and your family well.


I have sometimes thought to myself (not out loud. Goodness, that's not going to help your relationship!) how nice it would be to be divorced and have some weekends to myself. However, to go that route for such a reason just seems stupid. Just have a conversation with your spouse, and have you each take a Saturday to yourselves. Or get a sitter more often so you can go away for more weekends (much cheaper than divorce)


Yep. The problem is no time for yourself and divorce seems like an extreme way to do so.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 12:25     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.


We have a special needs kid and no sex life and are now wondering out loud if we should just divorce so we can each at least have alternating weekends for a chance to have a love and sex life again. I make a lot of money, wife stays home. It may not just be about the money. Wishing you well


PP here. Same to you - I wish you and your family well.


I have sometimes thought to myself (not out loud. Goodness, that's not going to help your relationship!) how nice it would be to be divorced and have some weekends to myself. However, to go that route for such a reason just seems stupid. Just have a conversation with your spouse, and have you each take a Saturday to yourselves. Or get a sitter more often so you can go away for more weekends (much cheaper than divorce)
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 11:43     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.


We have a special needs kid and no sex life and are now wondering out loud if we should just divorce so we can each at least have alternating weekends for a chance to have a love and sex life again. I make a lot of money, wife stays home. It may not just be about the money. Wishing you well


PP here. Same to you - I wish you and your family well.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 08:22     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Classic, money. He is a compulsive saver. I’m a saver too but think we can live a little now that we are doing so well. We clash on that.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 07:26     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just find it amazing that some people have so much clothes to fill a machine when doing their own laundry ONLY. Let alone let clothes sit for days without washing. All clothes gets washed together in our house, cause none of us have that much clothes.


Clean underwear, socks, shirts for 4 people cam be a small load. include pants and you've got a big load.


No, 28 pairs of socks only is a small load. Do you exercise? Do you wash your sheets and towels? Do you realize that a king sized duvet cover is 9 ft by 9 ft? I have a big speed queen and still can't fit it all in a load.


Sorry, I meant for ONE DAY, but I failed to write that.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 07:10     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.


We have a special needs kid and no sex life and are now wondering out loud if we should just divorce so we can each at least have alternating weekends for a chance to have a love and sex life again. I make a lot of money, wife stays home. It may not just be about the money. Wishing you well


Is this what you wish or both of you? For the child, it's the best situation to have both parents on hand to help.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 06:31     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.


We have a special needs kid and no sex life and are now wondering out loud if we should just divorce so we can each at least have alternating weekends for a chance to have a love and sex life again. I make a lot of money, wife stays home. It may not just be about the money. Wishing you well
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2019 04:58     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Money. Our HHI is 175k. Not poor by any means, but we’re stretched, living hand to mouth. (we made a series of bad financial choices over the last several years). I make 3x what DH does, and feel tremendous pressure. I am also a very engaged mom to 2 little kids under 6.

One of our kids has significant special needs and our entire life has been consumed by figuring out how to help them.

We have no local help, no real support network, our live are pretty isolated. Add to that the stress of the aforementioned and we have zero sex life.

We both wonder out loud if we would be happier if we chose different life partners. It sucks.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 21:20     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I just find it amazing that some people have so much clothes to fill a machine when doing their own laundry ONLY. Let alone let clothes sit for days without washing. All clothes gets washed together in our house, cause none of us have that much clothes.


Clean underwear, socks, shirts for 4 people cam be a small load. include pants and you've got a big load.


No, 28 pairs of socks only is a small load. Do you exercise? Do you wash your sheets and towels? Do you realize that a king sized duvet cover is 9 ft by 9 ft? I have a big speed queen and still can't fit it all in a load.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 20:50     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
That he doesn’t always listen to me. He will agree to do something, but forgets and either denies the conversation happened or says I “should have reminded him.”

We use a shared google calendar now and he has apps to remind himself of things, which has helped a ton.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 20:47     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For me, sex. For her, she says her wants come last and she bears the mental load of the kids. She is SAHM and it works until it doesn't.


I will say that being a SAHM is weird. I feel sometimes like I am made of glass. Or like I am this invisible force in the lives of my family instead of a person in my own right. No one ever notices most of what I do unless it isn’t done. And sometimes, at every age, kids get involved in their own things and completely ignore you.
Sometimes I start to feel like I don’t really exist.


Mothers are wallpaper. You don't even notice they are there. It's true. And what you do goes completely unrecognized until something goes wrong. But ... I will say having a stable healthy present parent helps grow healthy secure kids.

So moms (or any primary caregiver) take care of yourself. You DO exist. You ARE important. An b your children do love you.

Now go give YOUR mom a hug if you can.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 20:46     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
Substance abuse. Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 20:43     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spouse has become more conservative. Suffers from white male fragility.


+1.

Mine was old fashioned conservative, Eisenhower Republican, then Fox News happened.


+2. Mine too. Being an old school fiscal conservative was one thing, but at this point nearly any conversation can someone devolve into conservative/victim type talking points. Even day to day topics like our kids’ school or sports, or general chitchat about the neighborhood. It’s exhausting and I have no choice to just ignore it. It stinks and hope he snaps out of it soon.


Pretty much everyone who watches Fox News is like this. Sucks if you’re married to them.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 20:38     Subject: Re:whats the core issue in your marriage
When we disagree, he always fights to win. And his tactic is always to say something so cutting and hurtful that it cuts the conversation dead in its tracks. It’s been such a relationship killer.
Anonymous
Post 11/10/2019 18:12     Subject: whats the core issue in your marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spouse has become more conservative. Suffers from white male fragility.


+1.

Mine was old fashioned conservative, Eisenhower Republican, then Fox News happened.


+2. Mine too. Being an old school fiscal conservative was one thing, but at this point nearly any conversation can someone devolve into conservative/victim type talking points. Even day to day topics like our kids’ school or sports, or general chitchat about the neighborhood. It’s exhausting and I have no choice to just ignore it. It stinks and hope he snaps out of it soon.