OP , I totally feel your pain. Thank god for my sister who would talk to me any time night or day durin that first 16 months or so.
FWIW, here is the mind game on myself that got me past acting impulsively (so glad I didn’t vent to the kids much). I decided that kids are enriched by having people in their lives that care about them. If they have fun when they’re with the happy couple* then I’m glad and I can use the time to indulge myself in binge TV or working til 2AM.
*couple of dirtbags I called them to myself

OP here. Thank you, PP. I'm not an unkind person. Saying nasty things, being petty, all of that will just make me feel terrible. I dont want to hurt anyone or carry around anger. I just want to get through this without bursting into tears or humiliating myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have in our agreement that we each have right of first refusal for periods of time in excess of 3 hours. But no, I've no interest in going back to court over petty things. I just want to live in peace and quiet with minimal interactions with him or her.

OP, you seem like one of the most reasonable people on your own thread. I wish you the best with this difficult situation.

+1

OP, you're going to be OK.

I know, I've been there. It's awful. There's no way through this except -- straight on through. One foot in front of the other. I can already tell you're decent, low-drama, kind, head-on-straight. Just keep on keeping on. Do the businesslike, composed, polite thing, and then go home and cry on the kitchen floor if you need to. That's what I did.

Ask for help from friends and people that feel safe and like they "get it." Do what you can, be kind to yourself, accept that this stinks and there is no way for it not to stink just yet.

It gets better, I promise.

When all else fails, picture her in your minds eye very, very, very tiny. Like a bug. Like a speck of dust. Breathe. She's nothing.

You're going to be OK.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace. [/quote]

Treat her like a business associate. Factual, small talk, etc. Nothing mean but nothing extra. She has access to your kids part time and you need her on your team, whether you like it or not[/quote]


I found out my husband of 17 years was cheating on me the entire marriage with one person (and the last 6 months of our marriage with many people). Less than a year after me finding out, we are divorced. He is with his AP, he has introduced her to our kids and to old, used to be, mutual friends. I have not yet met her but when I do, I intend to do what the poster above states. Factual, polite but not a word extra. In a perverse way, I'm very grateful to her. She is not the reason my husband cheated. He cheated because he has no honor, integrity or morals. No one can make someone cheat in less they want to cheat. So, the reason I'm grateful to her is because thanks to her being an immoral, foul person who will cheat with a married man, I found out who my husband really is. If she hadn't been willing to engage in his pathetic fantasy life, he would have eventually found someone else to cheat with and then all the pain I've been through the last year and a half would have hit me later in life when things would have been much, much harder on my kids and me. So.....my plan is to treat her politely, but not engage. If he / she pushes it, I will thank her sincerely for being the type of person she is because she saved me from wasting more of my life with the a piece of trash.
[/quote]

I’m so sorry for what you went through, but I applaud your grace.[/quote]

Thank you

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have in our agreement that we each have right of first refusal for periods of time in excess of 3 hours. But no, I've no interest in going back to court over petty things. I just want to live in peace and quiet with minimal interactions with him or her.

OP, you seem like one of the most reasonable people on your own thread. I wish you the best with this difficult situation.

People need to make legal agreements before having kids that favor heavily on the side of the victim of cheating or abuse. If cheat then you pay a heavy financial and parental rights penalty.

OP here. We have in our agreement that we each have right of first refusal for periods of time in excess of 3 hours. But no, I've no interest in going back to court over petty things. I just want to live in peace and quiet with minimal interactions with him or her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

OP can’t control what her ex chooses to do during his parenting time. Trying to control the girlfriend’s interactions, whether she’s with them or watches them, etc. with her kids will create further tension. Like PP said, she now has the ear of ex and can choose to make OP’s life hell just as much as the other way around.

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends. That's not controlling his parenting time, it's being responsible to your kids.

It's sad OP's ex already had his kids around this woman. They are barely divorced, OP should have some real concerns. Both should agree to put the kids first. Sure have partners around the kids, but only if it's serious after a year.

You should re-read your advice, then read the bolded because you contradict yourself.

Look, the situation sucks for OP, but having court orders dictating normal human interactions is a recipe for disaster and cruel to the kids. So if it's his custody day, and AP is home, but exDH is working late, they can't exchange kids because of some rule that she can't come over, and vice-versa. I have a good friend with this relationship, they exchange custody and fire and police stations. You can imagine what the kids think of this insanity.

This woman is in your kids life half the time, you can't change that. And as much as this absolutely sucks to know, she may otherwise engender the kids affection and perhaps be in your social circle. Don't cut off your nose and your kids' noses over bitterness. The best advice here is radical indifference.

Actually, what is not a normal interaction is to have your kids come to your house for your night you to not be there.

If you choose to work late over seeing your kids you don’t get them that night.

Also, another thing family court knows is that most abuse is done when the children are with the boyfriend or girlfriend of the Parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

OP can’t control what her ex chooses to do during his parenting time. Trying to control the girlfriend’s interactions, whether she’s with them or watches them, etc. with her kids will create further tension. Like PP said, she now has the ear of ex and can choose to make OP’s life hell just as much as the other way around.

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends. That's not controlling his parenting time, it's being responsible to your kids.

It's sad OP's ex already had his kids around this woman. They are barely divorced, OP should have some real concerns. Both should agree to put the kids first. Sure have partners around the kids, but only if it's serious after a year.

You should re-read your advice, then read the bolded because you contradict yourself.

Look, the situation sucks for OP, but having court orders dictating normal human interactions is a recipe for disaster and cruel to the kids. So if it's his custody day, and AP is home, but exDH is working late, they can't exchange kids because of some rule that she can't come over, and vice-versa. I have a good friend with this relationship, they exchange custody and fire and police stations. You can imagine what the kids think of this insanity.

This woman is in your kids life half the time, you can't change that. And as much as this absolutely sucks to know, she may otherwise engender the kids affection and perhaps be in your social circle. Don't cut off your nose and your kids' noses over bitterness. The best advice here is radical indifference.

Most agreements cover all those scenarios unless you didn't have a good attorney.

OP why is he introducing this woman to your kids this soon? Are you ok with this?

Will your ex work with you to ensure the kids successfully transition to the new lifestyle?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends.

Meh. Are your kids better off if you spend $50,000 on lawyers to fight this fight, or if you put the money in their 529?

If it's not already in the separation agreement that OW can't do this stuff, let it go.

OP said her divorce is final so unless their agreement stipulated no babysitters on either side or specifically addressed the nature of contact between kids and girlfriends, she’s out of luck. She just can’t make up rules not in their agreement and go to court, and none of us have any idea what it says.

Luckily, she doesn’t sound like she wants a fight so PPs have given plenty of good advice on being polite and cool.

Pretty much every agreement says if the parent with the children are going to have a babysitter or other person watching the children the other parent gets 1st right of refusal.

Anonymous wrote:

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends.

Meh. Are your kids better off if you spend $50,000 on lawyers to fight this fight, or if you put the money in their 529?

If it's not already in the separation agreement that OW can't do this stuff, let it go.

Mah. It won't cost that... if the man really wants to see his kids (and they rarely do) they won't have a nanny or babysitter or random girlfriends watching the kids. This part of an agreement is very cookie cutter. If you have custody, you spend time with the kids. If you are not there the other parent has the option to have the kids even if it is "your time".

Anonymous wrote:

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends.

Meh. Are your kids better off if you spend $50,000 on lawyers to fight this fight, or if you put the money in their 529?

If it's not already in the separation agreement that OW can't do this stuff, let it go.

OP said her divorce is final so unless their agreement stipulated no babysitters on either side or specifically addressed the nature of contact between kids and girlfriends, she’s out of luck. She just can’t make up rules not in their agreement and go to court, and none of us have any idea what it says.

Luckily, she doesn’t sound like she wants a fight so PPs have given plenty of good advice on being polite and cool.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

At soccer sit on your own with your family, or new partner. Ignore, you're only there for your kids.

Why would she be picking up your kids? Or do you mean if she accompanies your ex? You could do neutral pick-up and drop-offs, some do that. We didn't allow exes inside our home. Tell the kids to have fun and out the door they go.

I wouldn't acknowledge her ever OP. Keep doing what you're doing, text dad only about the kids. On your time plans fun trips and completely move on.

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends.

Meh. Are your kids better off if you spend $50,000 on lawyers to fight this fight, or if you put the money in their 529?

If it's not already in the separation agreement that OW can't do this stuff, let it go.