Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 14:25     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She should have an abortion

Try hard to convince her OP. That is what would be best for a 21 year old.
Turn this around to "try hard to get her to give birth" and what would your reaction be? What part of choice do you not understand?


You’re living in la la land if you think the average 21 yo is financially or emotionally prepared to be a parent.

Go read the parenting boards.

People in their thirties with college, graduate school, and years of life and job experience still find it overwhelming and often claim it is “the hardest thing” they’ve ever done, emotionally speaking.

And these are typically UMC people who have lots of surplus money to throw at their problems (seriously, how often do you see “go hire a house cleaner” as a solution to an OP?)

These are people who wanted and planned on their babies and have all their ducks in a row. And it’s still hard AF!


If you can't see what serious potential future problems you'd be setting yourself up for by pushing your adult daughter to have an abortion....we can't help you.


And if you can’t see the problem with pressuring someone to put a baby up for adoption, we can’t help you.

Or if you can’t with having a baby at 20 with no degree, no partner for support, and no money or means of financial support— at a time when Medicaid is being dismantled, CHIP is being defunded, TANF and SNAP are being severely cut, etc, we can’t help you. We get it, you are pro-birth. But poor-Birthers like to end the story as soon as the beautiful white bay is born. If they didn’t, they would have to explain why. There is no social safety net for a young girl, alone with a screaming infant, worried that the kid is sick and unable to take them to the doctor because it is too expensive. Plus, if the kid is sick, the crappy daycare they could afford won’t take them, so they cam’t atrend class. And they can’t afford to fix the car or pay for gas, so they need to take the baby on the bus. And they don’t know how they can afford to feed the kid after the second week of the month, so they are skipping meals.

If you think this is okay... we can’t help you.

There are no great options.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 14:17     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:Adoptions are now mostly handled privately through lawyers, not agencies. The birth mother is often able to choose the adoptive couple and set some "terms" including annual updates on the child and possibly even visits as the child ages. I don't personally think it's a great idea but that is how adoption happens these days. There are many couples who are desperate to adopt healthy infants and they will agree to almost any terms.


Yes, but... once the baby is born, it is hard to make the adoptive parents stick to the terms. People move. Circumstances change, and what is the birth mother going to do? Take the baby back. These situations often don’t go the way the birth mom planned.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 14:15     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My Aunt. She was 15 years younger than my mother, so I was in elementary school when she got pregnant her freshman year of college and I vividly remeber it. My grandparents were solidly UMC Catholic, so abortion was off the table. They wanted to send her away to a Catholic home to give the kid up for adoption. She opted to drop out and marry the guy to prove some point to my grandparents about them not being able to force adoption (who were rigid and overbearing in a lot of ways). She ended up having up having four kids in about 8 years and living in poverty. I remember being 12 and 13 and us taking bags of groceries over because food stamps had run out.

My mother and my Aunt had the same parents and were raised in the same house (my mother also had a sister closer in age who tragically died as a toddler). My mother got a grad degree, married a man with a grad degree, and my sister and I both have grad degrees and solidly UMC lives. My oldest is starting to look at excellent colleges, and my kids will probably end up with grad degrees. They are typical high achieving DCUM UMC kids.

My Aunt eventually divorced her baby daddy. Remarried when he kids were teens, and finished a community college vocational course after they graduated from high school. She now has a solid marriage and a solid job as a hospital administrator, but it took until age 50.

Among her 4 kids, none went to college. One is a receptionist. One cuts cuts hair at a chain salon. One is a high school dropout who had her baby out of wedlock at 16. In fact, all four of her kids now have kids. And all 304 had them young (starting at younger than 20 or 21). 2 had a kid out of wedlock when they were younger than 20. One is divorced and a single mom. One divorced an abusive guy and remarried an abusive guy. My Aunt is dealing with this last cousin trying to leave with her three kids an no marketable skills. While the HS dropout daughter lives with her with her daughter.

My grandmother is still going strong at 94 and is heartbroken about this, BTW.

It’s a mess. And yes, you can live a great, productive life without a fancy degree. But, in a society where UMC people expect that their kids will live UMC lives, it’s a reminder. Sometimes people manage to move up the socioeconomic ladder. My MIL did and was the only one of 9 kids (!!) to go to college. Her son has multiple patents and her daughter is a doctor. But sometimes people move down the socioeconomic ladder too. And when they do, the damage can last for generations. My Aunt’s kids are LMC, and her grandkids are headed in that direction.

I think it’s great that some many people know people who got pregnant in college, managed to finish their education, married a wonderful man who,loved their kid and go a dream job. But I wonder how many of them are pro-Birchers spinning tales. it doesn’t always go that way. And it’s not fair to tell OP it will.

Maybe it will be fine for OP. I agree the chances are higher if OP puts her own plans for the future on hold to ensure that her DD has the money and grandma provided babysitting to make it happen. And if OP’s kid does a lot of growing up and makes her baby and her education her only priorities— which is tough to do at 20.

But sometimes, there isn’t a happy ending. And sometimes it’s not only what Op’s Kid will be able to do with her life, but what her grandkids and great grandkids will do.

So at least be honest. It is possible for a 20 year old mom to pull it off successfully. It is also possible she can’t.



I'd have freaked out too if my mom pushed to send me to one of those awful Catholic homes. I think there was some deep seated lack of kindness in your grandma. I think your mom was lucky that nothing she did ever led her to see that.


My grandmother was a product of her time and her social circumstances. She was a 50-something house wife in the late 1970s. She had never worked outside the home, had lost one child (and I don’t think she ever got over it) and was very Catholic. In her worldview, you didn’t abort, and girls “studied overseas” or “went to visit relatives,” gave birth, gave the baby up for adoption, and came back without the baby to move on with their lives . The same thing many posters are during Op’s Kid to do, without the going to a Catholic Home part. And the abuses that went on in these homes were not widely known. It was what was done at that time in their social class, in their church.

I’m not excusing it. I grew up thinking my grandmother was rigid and lacked an empathy chip. But she changed a lot after my grandfather died 15 years ago. He was an up at the same time every day, eat the same breakfast, I want my house to run just so, everything in its proper place, guy, and I think my grandmother catered to him and deferred to him more than I realized. Looking back, he probably made the decision, not her. After he died, she relaxed a lot and became much more human. Despite being in her mid-90s, she is much better with my kids than she was with me. I like her a lot more.

I’ve come to realize that as a Greatest Gen woman, she married my grandfather after the War, kept house for him, raised their kids and knew her place. I think it’s sad she didn’t get a chance to relax and be herself until her late 70s.

Both of my grandparents clearly screwed up with my Aunt. But my Aunt made a lot of bad decisions (see 4 kids in short order). I’m not sure if anything they did would have “saved” her.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 13:15     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She should have an abortion

Try hard to convince her OP. That is what would be best for a 21 year old.
Turn this around to "try hard to get her to give birth" and what would your reaction be? What part of choice do you not understand?


You’re living in la la land if you think the average 21 yo is financially or emotionally prepared to be a parent.

Go read the parenting boards.

People in their thirties with college, graduate school, and years of life and job experience still find it overwhelming and often claim it is “the hardest thing” they’ve ever done, emotionally speaking.

And these are typically UMC people who have lots of surplus money to throw at their problems (seriously, how often do you see “go hire a house cleaner” as a solution to an OP?)

These are people who wanted and planned on their babies and have all their ducks in a row. And it’s still hard AF!


If you can't see what serious potential future problems you'd be setting yourself up for by pushing your adult daughter to have an abortion....we can't help you.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 12:56     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She should have an abortion

Try hard to convince her OP. That is what would be best for a 21 year old.
Turn this around to "try hard to get her to give birth" and what would your reaction be? What part of choice do you not understand?


You’re living in la la land if you think the average 21 yo is financially or emotionally prepared to be a parent.

Go read the parenting boards.

People in their thirties with college, graduate school, and years of life and job experience still find it overwhelming and often claim it is “the hardest thing” they’ve ever done, emotionally speaking.

And these are typically UMC people who have lots of surplus money to throw at their problems (seriously, how often do you see “go hire a house cleaner” as a solution to an OP?)

These are people who wanted and planned on their babies and have all their ducks in a row. And it’s still hard AF!
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 12:16     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Adoption could be a very good option for your daughter and her baby.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 10:58     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Adoptions are now mostly handled privately through lawyers, not agencies. The birth mother is often able to choose the adoptive couple and set some "terms" including annual updates on the child and possibly even visits as the child ages. I don't personally think it's a great idea but that is how adoption happens these days. There are many couples who are desperate to adopt healthy infants and they will agree to almost any terms.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 10:42     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
I saw it happen twice while at university, and both had the baby. One gave it up for adoption to a wealthy couple in their early 40s. Get this, they didn't tell their parents! They ended up telling their parents after everything and the parents (biological grandparents) were scorch-the-earth livid. Both families involved were upper middle class, so there weren't any financial concerns.

The other had the child and basically had her parents raise it while she finished undergrad and went onto medical school. She's an established pediatrician.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 09:40     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:My Aunt. She was 15 years younger than my mother, so I was in elementary school when she got pregnant her freshman year of college and I vividly remeber it. My grandparents were solidly UMC Catholic, so abortion was off the table. They wanted to send her away to a Catholic home to give the kid up for adoption. She opted to drop out and marry the guy to prove some point to my grandparents about them not being able to force adoption (who were rigid and overbearing in a lot of ways). She ended up having up having four kids in about 8 years and living in poverty. I remember being 12 and 13 and us taking bags of groceries over because food stamps had run out.

My mother and my Aunt had the same parents and were raised in the same house (my mother also had a sister closer in age who tragically died as a toddler). My mother got a grad degree, married a man with a grad degree, and my sister and I both have grad degrees and solidly UMC lives. My oldest is starting to look at excellent colleges, and my kids will probably end up with grad degrees. They are typical high achieving DCUM UMC kids.

My Aunt eventually divorced her baby daddy. Remarried when he kids were teens, and finished a community college vocational course after they graduated from high school. She now has a solid marriage and a solid job as a hospital administrator, but it took until age 50.

Among her 4 kids, none went to college. One is a receptionist. One cuts cuts hair at a chain salon. One is a high school dropout who had her baby out of wedlock at 16. In fact, all four of her kids now have kids. And all 304 had them young (starting at younger than 20 or 21). 2 had a kid out of wedlock when they were younger than 20. One is divorced and a single mom. One divorced an abusive guy and remarried an abusive guy. My Aunt is dealing with this last cousin trying to leave with her three kids an no marketable skills. While the HS dropout daughter lives with her with her daughter.

My grandmother is still going strong at 94 and is heartbroken about this, BTW.

It’s a mess. And yes, you can live a great, productive life without a fancy degree. But, in a society where UMC people expect that their kids will live UMC lives, it’s a reminder. Sometimes people manage to move up the socioeconomic ladder. My MIL did and was the only one of 9 kids (!!) to go to college. Her son has multiple patents and her daughter is a doctor. But sometimes people move down the socioeconomic ladder too. And when they do, the damage can last for generations. My Aunt’s kids are LMC, and her grandkids are headed in that direction.

I think it’s great that some many people know people who got pregnant in college, managed to finish their education, married a wonderful man who,loved their kid and go a dream job. But I wonder how many of them are pro-Birchers spinning tales. it doesn’t always go that way. And it’s not fair to tell OP it will.

Maybe it will be fine for OP. I agree the chances are higher if OP puts her own plans for the future on hold to ensure that her DD has the money and grandma provided babysitting to make it happen. And if OP’s kid does a lot of growing up and makes her baby and her education her only priorities— which is tough to do at 20.

But sometimes, there isn’t a happy ending. And sometimes it’s not only what Op’s Kid will be able to do with her life, but what her grandkids and great grandkids will do.

So at least be honest. It is possible for a 20 year old mom to pull it off successfully. It is also possible she can’t.



I'd have freaked out too if my mom pushed to send me to one of those awful Catholic homes. I think there was some deep seated lack of kindness in your grandma. I think your mom was lucky that nothing she did ever led her to see that.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 09:34     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:Who are all these trashy people getting pregnant in college? That’s insane. I’ve never even heard of this happening to anybody I know but then again I and my children and spouse all went to ivies or equivalents. Maybe there is a negative correlation with intellect.


Your intellect perhaps.

I suspect while you were at your ivy or equivalent, you were liviing under a rock.

Whille I was at my actual ivy, a girl in my dorm got pregnant by the maintenance guy, who she was dating. She kept the baby. She married the guy. Another friend caught gonorrhea from her boyfriend, a classmate.

Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 09:31     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would have had an abortion but my daughter said she cannot do that - need to respect her choice even if it is a different one that I’d have made.


Good for you, mom. She can do this, especially with such a supportive, loving mother.


Respecting her choice, however, does not mean giving up your retirement to do child care. Work out what you can afford and what you can actually do and make sure that you and your kid are on the same page.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 09:28     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. She will not abort. Right now she wants to do the fall semester and then reevaluate...I do worry about the idea she’ll take time off and then never go back...adoption is still on the table too though.

The father goes to a different school 1200 miles away (they met at an internship) and they were never together.



She may very well take time off and not go back. If she keeps this child, is it reasonable to go back where she started anyway?
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 07:27     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I went to an ivy and at least two of my girlfriends had abortions. I’m sure others did. Lord knows we were all having sex.


Sure, it happens. But nobody was stupid enough to actually have the baby.


No but it’s a really hard decision either way. I had an abortion my sophomore year and it was such a traumatic time. My parents would have killed me if they found out I was pregnant so I never told them. To this day I still wonder if I made the right decision.

I respect OP for being the kind of parent I wish I’d had.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 01:23     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:I went to an ivy and at least two of my girlfriends had abortions. I’m sure others did. Lord knows we were all having sex.


Sure, it happens. But nobody was stupid enough to actually have the baby.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 00:52     Subject: Anyone’s child get pregnant during college?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I got pregnant my junior year in college, had an abortion. I was living with my amazing boyfriend. I knew the reality that I'd never be able to have a successful career and be a good parent. I also wasn't ready to be married. No way I could of told my parents.

I feel I made a good decision as I would of been a terrible 19 year old parent. This is a huge decision for some one who who may not be completely understanding how a child will effect her life.

Hugs



No. a good decision would have been giving the baby up for adoption.


She said she couldn't tell her parents, she was in college, she would of missed classes and homework. She made the right decision.