Anonymous wrote:I do not believe that the SIL really ignored OPs child "as if she did not exist" I think OP is exaggerating. She sounds very dramatic.

This.
I tend to think they didn't fuss over OP's child as much as OP wanted.

Was she actually monitoring the phone calls to see how often they talked about her DD? Not buying it.

If they truly did act as if she didn't exist that's not cool, but ignoring and not acting as if your child is the 2nd coming are two different things.

I can understand avoiding or shortening milestones because those conversations would with out a doubt end with " don't worry it won't be long till you have yours and he/she is doing x."

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's the thing. Your daughter is FOUR. The chances she will remember any of this are basically NIL.

So, what your daughter will remember from this year forward is either her Auntie Sue and Uncle John who love her and who have a cute little baby who she adores and can't wait to see a few times a year, or that aunt and uncle who she never sees and a cousin who she barely knows.

You don't have to be best buddies with your SIL to have a strong, warm relationship between your families.

OP here. Thank you for your comments. The comments about how great the cousin relationship could be in the future if we decide to forgive and forget really resonated with me. Although I am annoyed and hurt by my SIL and BIL's actions, I feel like the more important issue is that my daughter get to know her only cousin and that they have a good relationship. Both DH and I have very small and non-local families, and they are our closest kin in terms of distance (everyone else lives much farther away). And the fact that their baby will be our daughter's only cousin. So I feel like the cousin relationship is the most important issue here, despite how upset DH and I feel about the way we were treated. I want my daughter to feel like she has a relationship with extended family, and a strong bond with extended family, and I think I can put aside how we were treated in order to nurture that bond.

I think back to my own extended family, and how one of my uncles was shunned from the family for over 40 years for some petty reason, and I never got to know his three kids (my first cousins) until the last few years when he decided to let the past stay in the past and reconnect with the family. It would have been wonderful to know these cousins when I was growing up.

Also, just wanted to clarify that SIL and BIL never shared any details of their infertility struggles with us. We learned what they were going through only through DH's mother. So we never really felt comfortable bringing anything up with them about their infertility procedures, treatments, etc. as MIL wasn't even supposed to share those things with us (but she is a blabbermouth). They didn't even share that much of what they went through with her, they wanted to keep it to themselves, I guess. Similarly, we have not shared anything with them (or MIL) about our secondary infertility issues. They don't even know that we have infertility, or that we've been TTC for a year now with no pregnancy. They also don't know that we got pregnant with our daughter after just one month of trying (when we announced our pregnancy to the family they asked specifically about "how long" it took, but we just brushed that off and did not tell them, out of respect for what they were going through.

Thank you for all your comments, this thread has been great for thinking about the issue in different ways.

Anonymous wrote:
The only thing I'm getting out of this entire thread is that people going through infertility can act however they want, (including being a complete asshole), and no one should dare question them because if you do, you are an uncaring piece of dump who completely lacks empathy. Am I close?

that about covers it.

Anonymous wrote:OP has a once-a-year relationship with her SIL. She never says that she offered support of any kind to her SIL while SIL was having many failed if treatments. Now SIL is pregnant and wants to open a relationship. But OP is now very pissed about ignoring her DD for 4 years. (Did she say anything into he previous 4 years? Apparently not) She seems far more interested in being hurt and angry than reaching out to SIL, who she was not that close with in the first place. I would certainly love to hear the SIL version of this relationship. It sounds like OP does not want to welcome SIL into the "mommy club"

what did people want her to do? It doesn't sound like there are many avenues for them to even interact. Especially if they skip the family get togethers.

Anonymous wrote:I do not believe that the SIL really ignored OPs child "as if she did not exist" I think OP is exaggerating. She sounds very dramatic.

wait, so she made up them not showing up to the once a year visits....and never once asking about her during a phone call (which it sounds like was told to her by her husband) or sending a card or anything?

okie dokie then

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

Breaking down in tears in front of the kid.

Cutting off the ILs altogether. The whole family.

Having a major breakdown.

Other options, include having a relationship with the niece and showing some degree of maturity.

Yup - that'd be ideal if they had the emotional capability to do that. Doesn't sound like it though.

You can point and click on Amazon twice a year, for Christmas and Childs birthday.
Come on now!
These are people that surely had to actually leave their home in 4 years and, say, stand in line at the grocery store next to a child, hundreds of times and not leave sobbing every time a child crossed their path. Ditto children on TV, in commercials. In life!
This level of excuse is ridiculous.

The only thing I'm getting out of this entire thread is that people going through infertility can act however they want, (including being a complete asshole), and no one should dare question them because if you do, you are an uncaring piece of dump who completely lacks empathy. Am I close?

I do not believe that the SIL really ignored OPs child "as if she did not exist" I think OP is exaggerating. She sounds very dramatic.

Anonymous wrote:When you've been a jerk to someone (like SIL) you don't get to arbitrarily decide when you are finished being a jerk, not apologize, and expect the recipients of your jerkiness to just get over it just like that.

Yes!

When you've been a jerk to someone (like SIL) you don't get to arbitrarily decide when you are finished being a jerk, not apologize, and expect the recipients of your jerkiness to just get over it just like that.

OP has a once-a-year relationship with her SIL. She never says that she offered support of any kind to her SIL while SIL was having many failed if treatments. Now SIL is pregnant and wants to open a relationship. But OP is now very pissed about ignoring her DD for 4 years. (Did she say anything into he previous 4 years? Apparently not) She seems far more interested in being hurt and angry than reaching out to SIL, who she was not that close with in the first place. I would certainly love to hear the SIL version of this relationship. It sounds like OP does not want to welcome SIL into the "mommy club"

you know, my IF journey was different from OP's SIL. I am, however, in the camp of---it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. Also, I have an aunt who ignored me and my sibs my ENTIRE LIFE. We simply did not exist. She wanted the life my parents had, but never married or separated herself from her parents. She was (and is) a mean hateful person. She now wants a relationship with us. None of us are willing to go that route. Being ignored and made to feel as though you don't exist is hurtful. Now, the OP's 4 yr old may never remember this, but it's likely some of their behavior will continue and she will feel it. OP has every right to call them on it to at least clear the air (if that is possible at this point).

Anonymous wrote:Wow, the IF apologists were out in full force today. Not denying that infertility may be incrediblely painful, but failing to acknowledge the existence of niece for FOUR YEARS is not defensible. Those who argue it is are just as self absorbed as The sister in law here. Those trying to blame this on op or her dh are beyond ridiculous.

And anyone who says waiting to late 30's to try to conceive is a good idea should read this thread and see the toll it takes on people.

I think many of us are saying that although it was hurtful to OP, it is now time to move on. At this point, the past is the past. SIL has changed her behavior; is that not what op wanted? I think it's ok for op to bring it up, and hopefully SIL will apologize. But I don't think it's ok for op to go at her SIL with guns blazing. It's still appropriate to be sensitive. The biggest thing to acknowledge here is that SIL changed the hurtful behavior. These people have decades in front of them to spend together. OP should take the high road.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

Breaking down in tears in front of the kid.

Cutting off the ILs altogether. The whole family.

Having a major breakdown.

Other options, include having a relationship with the niece and showing some degree of maturity.

Yup - that'd be ideal if they had the emotional capability to do that. Doesn't sound like it though.

You can point and click on Amazon twice a year, for Christmas and Childs birthday.
Come on now!
These are people that surely had to actually leave their home in 4 years and, say, stand in line at the grocery store next to a child, hundreds of times and not leave sobbing every time a child crossed their path. Ditto children on TV, in commercials. In life!
This level of excuse is ridiculous.

Again, ridiculous that they couldn't hold it together for what sounds like one damn day a year for a couple hours.

That's just shitty behavior-I don't care what your emotional damage is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry that was supposed to say What are the other options? in response to quoted pp.

Breaking down in tears in front of the kid.

Cutting off the ILs altogether. The whole family.

Having a major breakdown.

Other options, include having a relationship with the niece and showing some degree of maturity.

Yup - that'd be ideal if they had the emotional capability to do that. Doesn't sound like it though.