I was not going to post the email because I felt it was disrespectful but at this point I don't care. I do want to see what outsiders think whether I am wrong or not. I am not proud of this email and I am usually not like this but I was mad and wanted to say all the things I kept inside and never said because he always had a way of making me feel I was wrong. I do still keep going back and forth whether I am over reacting or asking too much or should have just focused on the good and been happy for what I did have. I did edit very little just to remove information that would give away who we are, cause this is embarrassing and I did not tell anyone the majority of this, I always just told friends and family good things because I wanted everyone to like him and I don't talk behind anyone's back. I really do appreciate everyone's support and advice. Thank you

Sabrina55 wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and, for some perspective: I have a stepchild. I mix my money with my spouse's income, and it all goes to our family expenses; housing, food, activities, camp, clothes, etc. Supporting my stepchild--financially and emotionally--was part of the deal when I married my spouse. It's a package deal. I do not 'subtract' expenses for stepchild because I am not biologically related. While I understand why a PP felt that your fiance did not have an "obligation" to support your kids (but did have an obligation to share expenses) I would seriously question why you would want to marry someone who did not view you or your children as family.

You can't help who you love and it really hurts to feel that he can just walk away and move on like nothing happened and not even care, while I am hurt, crushed and questioning myself and for him to doubt that I did love him.

I've read most of the thread, but I wanted to speak to the bold. This man does not deserve you, he used you and mentally abused you for being a good person. For him to walk away like nothing between the two of you after FOUR years is disgusting and speaks volumes of his character. I too have been left by a man I loved; he too walked away like nothing ever existed between us, we were married for 7 years. I can understand how heartbreaking and sad you feel. Although it may not be easy pick yourself up; both for you and your kids and move on with your life. It seems like you have loving children who appreciate you for who you are and what you mean to them. Embrace them and forget about the asshole who ripped your heart apart! Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier asking about how your kids felt. Thank you for providing their ages, and yes, you did mention the scholarship -- good to hear they're doing well despite this manipulative man in their lives.

Why are you continuing to ask about the financial split? Didn't you already hear from everyone on this board that this guy is BAD for you? I want to support you, but I don't hear resolve to change this situation in your posts. I hear that you want to make it work somehow, and I think the vast majority of advice is that this is not the right man for you.

And I agree with a PP who said not every relationship discussion need to discuss the kids -- but this one sure does!!!! Last time I checked, this was a parent forum. If there was ever a situation where the OP needs to consider the impact on her children, it is this one. I'm sure there are plenty of posters here who saw his or her parent going through something similar and wouldn't wish it upon their own kids. Sheesh!

I think she IS done with the relationship. She isn't asking about the financial split anymore. He left and like a normal human being, she is hurting, questioning herself, their love, all of that in the immediate aftermath of their split. It's normal behavior. We are all concerned for her because she is having these doubts (like a normal person) and he emailed her and she responded. We just want to make sure she stays strong.

Anonymous wrote:Sabrina, people already gave you so much good advice, there's not much to add. But I want to tell you something that struck me when I read your comment that even a little contribution is better than nothing. Please understand that him living with you is a COST FOR YOU. Him staying there means you don't have the full use of your home, and you have a loser in your life, occupying a place that should be taken by a man who would care for you and not say cold things like "I'm not supporting children who aren't mine." Now that he is gone, you have the full use of your house, to do with as you please, and you are rid of this loser. I know it hurts to lose someone after four years, but it sounds like you're a good mom and a kind person, so I wish you to find someone who will not make you doubt and feel bad about yourself. A relationship, even without money, is supposed to add to your total happiness, not subtract from it. Good luck to you and kids.

This pp makes a really good point. He may have paid for the electric bill or some other such nonsense but didn't you pay his share every time you did things as a family because he wouldn't go to an amusement park or water park or whatever but for the kids? That crap adds up! a lot. I honestly think you'll probably be pocketing more money now that he's gone. Stay strong!!

I posted earlier asking about how your kids felt. Thank you for providing their ages, and yes, you did mention the scholarship -- good to hear they're doing well despite this manipulative man in their lives.

Why are you continuing to ask about the financial split? Didn't you already hear from everyone on this board that this guy is BAD for you? I want to support you, but I don't hear resolve to change this situation in your posts. I hear that you want to make it work somehow, and I think the vast majority of advice is that this is not the right man for you.

And I agree with a PP who said not every relationship discussion need to discuss the kids -- but this one sure does!!!! Last time I checked, this was a parent forum. If there was ever a situation where the OP needs to consider the impact on her children, it is this one. I'm sure there are plenty of posters here who saw his or her parent going through something similar and wouldn't wish it upon their own kids. Sheesh!

Sabrina, people already gave you so much good advice, there's not much to add. But I want to tell you something that struck me when I read your comment that even a little contribution is better than nothing. Please understand that him living with you is a COST FOR YOU. Him staying there means you don't have the full use of your home, and you have a loser in your life, occupying a place that should be taken by a man who would care for you and not say cold things like "I'm not supporting children who aren't mine." Now that he is gone, you have the full use of your house, to do with as you please, and you are rid of this loser. I know it hurts to lose someone after four years, but it sounds like you're a good mom and a kind person, so I wish you to find someone who will not make you doubt and feel bad about yourself. A relationship, even without money, is supposed to add to your total happiness, not subtract from it. Good luck to you and kids.

You can't help who you love and it really hurts to feel that he can just walk away and move on like nothing happened and not even care, while I am hurt, crushed and questioning myself and for him to doubt that I did love him

this is classic manipulative technique. Of course you loved him, no one else would have put up with that level of crap. You need to turn it around: you need to doubt that he loved you. Because if he did, he would be doing whatever in his power to make it up to you, not trying to manipulate and guilt you. And if he truly is moving on without a care, then he is the one who lacks love, not you.

and yes, actually, you can help who you love---you can make a conscious decision to let yourself fall in love with good guys and not fall for the BS that you did. I did it, after years of failed relationships with not so good guys. My husband is not perfect by any means, but he's a good guy.

I strongly recommend that you explore why you allowed yourself to accept so little and why you let someone else define you in this way.

it is a no coincidence that he is in his forties and not ever been married. A vast majority of such men are damaged goods.

As much as it hurts, it's better to be the victim than the victimizer. You can love. You will love again. He sounds damaged beyond repair.

Anonymous wrote:and, for some perspective: I have a stepchild. I mix my money with my spouse's income, and it all goes to our family expenses; housing, food, activities, camp, clothes, etc. Supporting my stepchild--financially and emotionally--was part of the deal when I married my spouse. It's a package deal. I do not 'subtract' expenses for stepchild because I am not biologically related. While I understand why a PP felt that your fiance did not have an "obligation" to support your kids (but did have an obligation to share expenses) I would seriously question why you would want to marry someone who did not view you or your children as family.

You can't help who you love and it really hurts to feel that he can just walk away and move on like nothing happened and not even care, while I am hurt, crushed and questioning myself and for him to doubt that I did love him.

and, for some perspective: I have a stepchild. I mix my money with my spouse's income, and it all goes to our family expenses; housing, food, activities, camp, clothes, etc. Supporting my stepchild--financially and emotionally--was part of the deal when I married my spouse. It's a package deal. I do not 'subtract' expenses for stepchild because I am not biologically related. While I understand why a PP felt that your fiance did not have an "obligation" to support your kids (but did have an obligation to share expenses) I would seriously question why you would want to marry someone who did not view you or your children as family.

Anonymous wrote:Sabrina, like it or not, we are all involved now. I think you need to share the email with us.

Sigh. I completely agree with this.

FRIENDS OF SABRINA, UNITE.

Sabrina, like it or not, we are all involved now. I think you need to share the email with us.

yep, a guy like that will definitely expect she will come crawling back and begging him to grace her home and life with his presence. OP can do much much better for herself and children. Run run run from user/loser...

Sabrina - Please share his email and your response. You are getting great support here and in reading this whole thread, that guy is a very good manipulator - pulling at whatever strings he can to get you to pay his way (mostly pay his way). After you showed him this thread and asserted yourself, he stormed off and probably said something like, "see, you were after my money." But that means his gravy train is over. he had it GOOD!!! A man in his 40s doesn't want to live with his parents and he knows it even though he tells you he could just as easy go back there. He knows on some level that he was being supported by you and he was taking from you and now it stopped.

I am guessing he's going to try and get you back - by guilt, certainly not by kindness. But he'll also try and manipulate you into asking him back (rather than he asking you if he could come back.) Keep in mind that he is doing that so that the next time you argue about money, he can say. You asked me back! I could have stayed at my parents' house but you asked me back.

So, please share his email and your response so we can help you stay strong. You are doing great and you are showing your kids how strong you are.