Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 09:57     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
I've responded to these Q's before because emotional affairs and physical affairs are very different. Physical affairs - at some point there is a very conscious choice to betray a spouse and I would imagine that there is a huge range between poor IC/drunken mistake to I can't stand my spouse and everywhere in between. EA's are different b/c you can slip into them without quite realizing that you are in one. And while I think that people who have very high self-esteem probably have the best chance at avoiding these, I don't necessarily think that all people involved are crazy. For me, I did really like the friendship but I had to keep redrawing boundaries. It was nice to get the attention though, too.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 09:41     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

"Don't stick your dick in crazy" is the standard advice -- but, I feel like I ought to try it just once to see what crazy is like in the sack.


It might be good at the time but the memory fades quickly when she starts wreaking all kinds of havoc in your life.


+1M I didn't have an affair with mine - I was single and it was a "relationship" but holy cow...I wound up on the shrink's couch before I got out.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 09:09     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:

"Don't stick your dick in crazy" is the standard advice -- but, I feel like I ought to try it just once to see what crazy is like in the sack.


It might be good at the time but the memory fades quickly when she starts wreaking all kinds of havoc in your life.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 08:19     Subject: Re:What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:In my experience people either cheat or divorce. The cheaters I've known did not want divorce. I wonder if their spouses would have preferred they had left instead of cheated?


We always here the line "it's not the cheating, it's the LIE." Like telling your spouse the truth would actually save the marriage.

I honestly think in most cases the outrage and anger from the scorned spouse comes from the heartbreak and pain of being so rejected/discarded...and I honestly think they're lying to themselves about "it's the lie". In fact, odds are good they'd actually be happier if they got to keep the spouse and didn't learn the truth. I do often wonder though.

I told ex-dw I'd had enough. Yes, it was long-term needs unmet, and my sex life improved dramatically after I left. DW pulled a classic bait&switch and more or less hated - and did an extraordinarily poor job of hiding it - almost anything that remotely resembled the kind of vigorous mildly kinky sex I wanted. She wouldn't even attempt to reciprocate the vigorous (20-30 min. at a shot of hard tongue work) oral she demanded. I held on for over a decade. I left, instead of having an affair.

DW was heartbroken, angry, ranted/raved...for about five years. Then we buried it and are amicable now. Sex wasn't the only issue, but it was the main issue. I wonder if I had instead said "we can have a companionate, friendly marriage, and continue to enjoy the economic benefits of marriage (the breakup was financially very hard on both of us), but I want full permission to get sex elsewhere as I like." if she would have gone for that.

What do you think ladies? How many of you would honestly - if "he just didn't lie about it" - want to stay married if he was just honest with you?

What is the difference then between the sexual infidelity and the lie?

Is it just that you want 2x the reasons to demonize him for leaving you? Be honest.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 08:05     Subject: Re:What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You seem to assuming that it is always one type of situation and one type of affair and one type of woman and one type of man.

I am a DH who is having an affair. My AP is married. She is a wonderful woman that I love and respect. We both are in dead marriages with kids. If you would have told either of us that we would have an affair on our respective wedding day... We would have laughed and sincerely said no way.

Life brings challenges that you do not anticipate. It is easy to say this.. But if your spouse is having an affair and you have not had any form of relations with them for some time... It is time to move on.


So why haven't either of you moved on then?


Worried about our kids. Worried about the stability of our respective spouses... Between the two the kids might be the easy
Part.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 02:55     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:I have not read through all of the posts, but thought i should answer the original question "what kind of woman ..."
When i was very young - 21 or 22 - i had a relationship with a married man in his 30's. Our affair was sexually intense and highly emotional for both of us. Went on for over a year, closer to two years. We were quite obsessed with each other.

What kind of person was I? Slutty - yes. In need of attention - yes. Lack of impulse control? YES. Immoral? Well no, not exactly but just not able to control myself for some reason. Low self-esteem - yes. Needing to feel powerful - NO. Self-centered - well yes, but this is normal for a 21 year old i think?

I had never had a serious boyfriend or received so much attention from anyone before. This man kind of swooped in and knocked me off my feet. looking back, he was more like a predator, sort of like the big bad wolf. I was caught up and in serious denial about what i was doing. Eventually i started to realize that i was miserable being the "other woman" and could no longer tolerate being the "other woman." His wife had a baby in the middle of all of this. He told me that she knew about the affair so it was necessary for us to be more careful ... that must have been a turning point for me. I was a mess during that time. After a short period of time of no contact between him and me i called the wife to apologize. I was truly ashamed of myself. She said "do you realize you almost destroyed our family?" The honest answer was no i had not realized that. I had only been thinking of myself. I will never forget that phone call. She also said she hoped the same thing would not happen to me someday. This was more than 20 years ago so many details have been forgotten ...or blocked. I am not that person now. Now I would never do anything to harm another person or destroy a family. I truly am sorry for what i did all those years ago.


I don't think as a young person, you can truly comprehend the impact of this. Some 21 year olds are very mature and some not. I admire you for apologizing. I don't think that happens very often.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 02:51     Subject: Re:What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:You seem to assuming that it is always one type of situation and one type of affair and one type of woman and one type of man.

I am a DH who is having an affair. My AP is married. She is a wonderful woman that I love and respect. We both are in dead marriages with kids. If you would have told either of us that we would have an affair on our respective wedding day... We would have laughed and sincerely said no way.

Life brings challenges that you do not anticipate. It is easy to say this.. But if your spouse is having an affair and you have not had any form of relations with them for some time... It is time to move on.


So why haven't either of you moved on then?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2015 00:49     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
I have not read through all of the posts, but thought i should answer the original question "what kind of woman ..."
When i was very young - 21 or 22 - i had a relationship with a married man in his 30's. Our affair was sexually intense and highly emotional for both of us. Went on for over a year, closer to two years. We were quite obsessed with each other.

What kind of person was I? Slutty - yes. In need of attention - yes. Lack of impulse control? YES. Immoral? Well no, not exactly but just not able to control myself for some reason. Low self-esteem - yes. Needing to feel powerful - NO. Self-centered - well yes, but this is normal for a 21 year old i think?

I had never had a serious boyfriend or received so much attention from anyone before. This man kind of swooped in and knocked me off my feet. looking back, he was more like a predator, sort of like the big bad wolf. I was caught up and in serious denial about what i was doing. Eventually i started to realize that i was miserable being the "other woman" and could no longer tolerate being the "other woman." His wife had a baby in the middle of all of this. He told me that she knew about the affair so it was necessary for us to be more careful ... that must have been a turning point for me. I was a mess during that time. After a short period of time of no contact between him and me i called the wife to apologize. I was truly ashamed of myself. She said "do you realize you almost destroyed our family?" The honest answer was no i had not realized that. I had only been thinking of myself. I will never forget that phone call. She also said she hoped the same thing would not happen to me someday. This was more than 20 years ago so many details have been forgotten ...or blocked. I am not that person now. Now I would never do anything to harm another person or destroy a family. I truly am sorry for what i did all those years ago.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2015 22:21     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm genuinely curious to know. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you lonely? Do you need the attention? No matter how much the husband complains about the wife, do you realize or care that you are breaking up families with children?


Good question. Here's another one: what type of woman marries, demands exclusive access to DH's sex and sensuality...and then wants neither? And, when DH becomes frustrated and looks elsewhere, reacts by posting in DCUM?


+1
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2015 18:27     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:I'm genuinely curious to know. Do you have low self-esteem? Are you lonely? Do you need the attention? No matter how much the husband complains about the wife, do you realize or care that you are breaking up families with children?


Good question. Here's another one: what type of woman marries, demands exclusive access to DH's sex and sensuality...and then wants neither? And, when DH becomes frustrated and looks elsewhere, reacts by posting in DCUM?
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2015 16:27     Subject: Re:What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
You seem to assuming that it is always one type of situation and one type of affair and one type of woman and one type of man.

I am a DH who is having an affair. My AP is married. She is a wonderful woman that I love and respect. We both are in dead marriages with kids. If you would have told either of us that we would have an affair on our respective wedding day... We would have laughed and sincerely said no way.

Life brings challenges that you do not anticipate. It is easy to say this.. But if your spouse is having an affair and you have not had any form of relations with them for some time... It is time to move on.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2015 15:47     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:As a woman, if a taken man starts coming on to me the "ewwww" factor takes all the flattery, attractiveness, air out of that balloon. It literally changes my opinion of that person instantly and I can't wait to get away. This feeling has gotten stronger each time it has happened. I think it's disgusting behavior from a male. I wish other women would read it the same way, because it is so slimy.


I see your position. Clearly you are in a good relationship and your needs are met.
But there are a lot of married women who are deep down starved for male attention and they respond wildly to flirting.
So what you consider slimy disgusting behavior, they actively seek out and encourage.
Anonymous
Post 02/21/2015 13:18     Subject: Re:What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how people think about this situation. Both affair partners are "married", but both marriages are dead. Both live in separate rooms/floors of their respective houses, and don't ever sleep with or have sex with the spouses. Years since either has had sex with their spouses. No social time with their spouses. Basically, they just deal with spouses on things that they have to (logistical stuff) and that's it. The spouses of both are agreed on the situations as well - meaning the distance - but they're not aware of the EA. No children under 20. In both marriages, they are staying in the same house and only technically "married" for various significant reasons, but those reasons are temporary and eventually there will probably be divorces once that phase is over.

I know people will ask how you know for sure this is the case in the marriages, and not just something one is telling the other in order to have the affair. Assume it is verified and true. Just wondering what people think in this regard. I used to be very black/white about affairs, and am still very strict about them, but can see some gray here.


I think that life is short, and your viable sexual years are even shorter. Do you want to be at the end of your life looking back on an empty and lonely existence? Or do you want to experience what it's like when someone loves you and wants you, is happy with you, can talk to you about things they can't with anyone else? Sadly there are many legitimate reasons not to divorce. I don't think that means people should be trapped in misery. Yes, some people have affairs for caddish reasons. But some do it because they have deeply held, long-unmet needs.

In my experience people either cheat or divorce. The cheaters I've known did not want divorce. I wonder if their spouses would have preferred they had left instead of cheated?


I would rather be left and live authentically with someone who is engaged or no one at all. When you don't tell your spouse, you take their vote off the table, only considering your needs.
Anonymous
Post 01/01/2015 08:34     Subject: What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
As a woman, if a taken man starts coming on to me the "ewwww" factor takes all the flattery, attractiveness, air out of that balloon. It literally changes my opinion of that person instantly and I can't wait to get away. This feeling has gotten stronger each time it has happened. I think it's disgusting behavior from a male. I wish other women would read it the same way, because it is so slimy.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2014 20:38     Subject: Re:What type of women have emotional/physical affairs with married men?
Anonymous wrote:I'm curious how people think about this situation. Both affair partners are "married", but both marriages are dead. Both live in separate rooms/floors of their respective houses, and don't ever sleep with or have sex with the spouses. Years since either has had sex with their spouses. No social time with their spouses. Basically, they just deal with spouses on things that they have to (logistical stuff) and that's it. The spouses of both are agreed on the situations as well - meaning the distance - but they're not aware of the EA. No children under 20. In both marriages, they are staying in the same house and only technically "married" for various significant reasons, but those reasons are temporary and eventually there will probably be divorces once that phase is over.

I know people will ask how you know for sure this is the case in the marriages, and not just something one is telling the other in order to have the affair. Assume it is verified and true. Just wondering what people think in this regard. I used to be very black/white about affairs, and am still very strict about them, but can see some gray here.


I think that life is short, and your viable sexual years are even shorter. Do you want to be at the end of your life looking back on an empty and lonely existence? Or do you want to experience what it's like when someone loves you and wants you, is happy with you, can talk to you about things they can't with anyone else? Sadly there are many legitimate reasons not to divorce. I don't think that means people should be trapped in misery. Yes, some people have affairs for caddish reasons. But some do it because they have deeply held, long-unmet needs.

In my experience people either cheat or divorce. The cheaters I've known did not want divorce. I wonder if their spouses would have preferred they had left instead of cheated?