Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 13:31     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
The judgement comes from those that decided NOT to terminate. You are the ones stating that women just do away with no so perfect children and how dare they, not taking into consideration what each and every family deals with when making such a decision. The posters on here are the martyrs who state, I have a SN child and I do it every day so every body else should too. The point is, everyone's situation and circumstances are different so don't sit there and tell others what they should do and they are wrong for terminating. Then you want to throw in the, "there are resources and plenty of help" bullshit, which is not necessarily the whole truth and it's not that simple. Just read some of the posts from parents with SN kids who require so much.


Really, I don't see any judgment coming from posts of women who have self-identified as making the alternative choice of carrying the pregnancy. I see a lot of judgement coming from those who have likely never walked this road at all. That's where a I see the judgment from both sides, NOT from people who have actually experienced this type of traumatic event in their lives.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 13:21     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
"not-so-perfect"
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 13:20     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OK. I posted before. I aborted a trisomy 18 very much wanted pregnancy two years ago. I really never gave any thought to the burdens of having a special needs child. My husband and I had decided years ago If faced with such a pregnancy, we would not continue it. None of the outcomes were good. In my mind, the baby was not human because it did not have the chromosomes of a human. It had extra chromosomes.

Judge me however you will, but I consider this decision is between me and my husband and my God. God made this choice available to me. if God didn't like this answer, He shouldn't have allowed science to reach the point of being able to test for such mutations.

What did enter my decision was the quality of life for my older child and children yet to come, including the one I became pregnant with because I chose to terminate the other pregnancy.

I didn't need to see the aborted pregnancy through to the end to earn my martyr badge. I earned it in the horror of having to make such a decision and to go through the procedure and the aftermath. I earned it in the constant fear of losing my later pregnancy.

If you haven't walked the walk, including a choice to carry such a pregnancy thru til the end, you don't get to preach to me. OP, this means you. This is not me being defensive over my choice, because I never have questioned myself over this. this is me just being tired of having someone who cannot possibly understand the hormone-amplified devastation I have lived through feel like they have a clue.


We are having two different conversations here, and we all know it. You terminated a pregnancy with a child who had a condition that is essentially incompatible with life. Except for extreme examples, children with T18 die at, or shortly after birth. T21 and spina bifida are very different conditions, and thus the considerations are different.

And although your choice to terminate should definitely be respected, you should respect the choice of others not to terminate. The whole "martyr badge" bit makes it sound like you don't. It's essential to choice that not only should women not be forced to carry a pregnancy, but neither should they be forced to terminate. Many people who see a pregnancy like yours through to a different end aren't trying to be martyrs, they are just doing what they think is right, just like what you did. Both perspectives deserve sensitivity and respect.



The judgement comes from those that decided NOT to terminate. You are the ones stating that women just do away with no so perfect children and how dare they, not taking into consideration what each and every family deals with when making such a decision. The posters on here are the martyrs who state, I have a SN child and I do it every day so every body else should too. The point is, everyone's situation and circumstances are different so don't sit there and tell others what they should do and they are wrong for terminating. Then you want to throw in the, "there are resources and plenty of help" bullshit, which is not necessarily the whole truth and it's not that simple. Just read some of the posts from parents with SN kids who require so much.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 13:11     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Thanks, PP. I have been sitting here, reading and re-reading the post you quoted and really wasn't sure how to respond to it. As I have been in her shoes but made the opposite choice - to allow the pregnancy to take its own course - I felt a bit stung from the tone of the post. I appreciate your reply that reiterates that everyone makes her own choice, but it seems that everyone feels so very vested to defend their own at the expense of others. I did what I had to do, just as she did what she needed to do, but for some reason, it can't just be left at that. Issues like this one are so complicated and personal; they are just beyond any on-line anonymous discussion board, even if people post with the best intentions (as I assume the prior PP did).
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 12:52     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Anonymous wrote:OK. I posted before. I aborted a trisomy 18 very much wanted pregnancy two years ago. I really never gave any thought to the burdens of having a special needs child. My husband and I had decided years ago If faced with such a pregnancy, we would not continue it. None of the outcomes were good. In my mind, the baby was not human because it did not have the chromosomes of a human. It had extra chromosomes.

Judge me however you will, but I consider this decision is between me and my husband and my God. God made this choice available to me. if God didn't like this answer, He shouldn't have allowed science to reach the point of being able to test for such mutations.

What did enter my decision was the quality of life for my older child and children yet to come, including the one I became pregnant with because I chose to terminate the other pregnancy.

I didn't need to see the aborted pregnancy through to the end to earn my martyr badge. I earned it in the horror of having to make such a decision and to go through the procedure and the aftermath. I earned it in the constant fear of losing my later pregnancy.

If you haven't walked the walk, including a choice to carry such a pregnancy thru til the end, you don't get to preach to me. OP, this means you. This is not me being defensive over my choice, because I never have questioned myself over this. this is me just being tired of having someone who cannot possibly understand the hormone-amplified devastation I have lived through feel like they have a clue.


We are having two different conversations here, and we all know it. You terminated a pregnancy with a child who had a condition that is essentially incompatible with life. Except for extreme examples, children with T18 die at, or shortly after birth. T21 and spina bifida are very different conditions, and thus the considerations are different.

And although your choice to terminate should definitely be respected, you should respect the choice of others not to terminate. The whole "martyr badge" bit makes it sound like you don't. It's essential to choice that not only should women not be forced to carry a pregnancy, but neither should they be forced to terminate. Many people who see a pregnancy like yours through to a different end aren't trying to be martyrs, they are just doing what they think is right, just like what you did. Both perspectives deserve sensitivity and respect.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 12:39     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OK. I posted before. I aborted a trisomy 18 very much wanted pregnancy two years ago. I really never gave any thought to the burdens of having a special needs child. My husband and I had decided years ago If faced with such a pregnancy, we would not continue it. None of the outcomes were good. In my mind, the baby was not human because it did not have the chromosomes of a human. It had extra chromosomes.

Judge me however you will, but I consider this decision is between me and my husband and my God. God made this choice available to me. if God didn't like this answer, He shouldn't have allowed science to reach the point of being able to test for such mutations.

What did enter my decision was the quality of life for my older child and children yet to come, including the one I became pregnant with because I chose to terminate the other pregnancy.

I didn't need to see the aborted pregnancy through to the end to earn my martyr badge. I earned it in the horror of having to make such a decision and to go through the procedure and the aftermath. I earned it in the constant fear of losing my later pregnancy.

If you haven't walked the walk, including a choice to carry such a pregnancy thru til the end, you don't get to preach to me. OP, this means you. This is not me being defensive over my choice, because I never have questioned myself over this. this is me just being tired of having someone who cannot possibly understand the hormone-amplified devastation I have lived through feel like they have a clue.


Terribly sorry you had to go thru something like this. Just wanted to send you a hug. I am sure you did not come to your decision lightly and thought about every aspect of it. It must have been really hard.


I'm sorry you had to go through that, too, PP. I'm glad to hear you were able to become pregnant again soon after.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 11:47     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
This is 11:31 again. 11:41, thank you. I was lucky enough to get pregnant again within a few months, which cushioned the grief.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 11:43     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Well, may of you will have your way and parents will be forced to bring children into this world who won't survive a day, a week or maybe even a month.

Thank your politicians who are making abortion illegal post 20 weeks of pregnancy. You usually won't get results of an abnormality until after 20 weeks.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 11:41     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Anonymous wrote:OK. I posted before. I aborted a trisomy 18 very much wanted pregnancy two years ago. I really never gave any thought to the burdens of having a special needs child. My husband and I had decided years ago If faced with such a pregnancy, we would not continue it. None of the outcomes were good. In my mind, the baby was not human because it did not have the chromosomes of a human. It had extra chromosomes.

Judge me however you will, but I consider this decision is between me and my husband and my God. God made this choice available to me. if God didn't like this answer, He shouldn't have allowed science to reach the point of being able to test for such mutations.

What did enter my decision was the quality of life for my older child and children yet to come, including the one I became pregnant with because I chose to terminate the other pregnancy.

I didn't need to see the aborted pregnancy through to the end to earn my martyr badge. I earned it in the horror of having to make such a decision and to go through the procedure and the aftermath. I earned it in the constant fear of losing my later pregnancy.

If you haven't walked the walk, including a choice to carry such a pregnancy thru til the end, you don't get to preach to me. OP, this means you. This is not me being defensive over my choice, because I never have questioned myself over this. this is me just being tired of having someone who cannot possibly understand the hormone-amplified devastation I have lived through feel like they have a clue.


Terribly sorry you had to go thru something like this. Just wanted to send you a hug. I am sure you did not come to your decision lightly and thought about every aspect of it. It must have been really hard.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 11:31     Subject: Re:s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
OK. I posted before. I aborted a trisomy 18 very much wanted pregnancy two years ago. I really never gave any thought to the burdens of having a special needs child. My husband and I had decided years ago If faced with such a pregnancy, we would not continue it. None of the outcomes were good. In my mind, the baby was not human because it did not have the chromosomes of a human. It had extra chromosomes.

Judge me however you will, but I consider this decision is between me and my husband and my God. God made this choice available to me. if God didn't like this answer, He shouldn't have allowed science to reach the point of being able to test for such mutations.

What did enter my decision was the quality of life for my older child and children yet to come, including the one I became pregnant with because I chose to terminate the other pregnancy.

I didn't need to see the aborted pregnancy through to the end to earn my martyr badge. I earned it in the horror of having to make such a decision and to go through the procedure and the aftermath. I earned it in the constant fear of losing my later pregnancy.

If you haven't walked the walk, including a choice to carry such a pregnancy thru til the end, you don't get to preach to me. OP, this means you. This is not me being defensive over my choice, because I never have questioned myself over this. this is me just being tired of having someone who cannot possibly understand the hormone-amplified devastation I have lived through feel like they have a clue.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 10:38     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Anonymous wrote:Look, maybe your sister has the money, time, and dedication to make sure that her kid can have a good life despite some challanges. And maybe she has a sister who is willing to dole out who knows how much money to go be the shoulder she cries on, but OP, most people do not. I will admit I don't have the money to give a special needs child the life they deserve, so yeah, I would choose to abort rather then risk giving a kid a bad life.


This is an excuse to relieve yourself of having to take care of a kid with a disability. Which is actually a choice that is okay to make. But don't lie to yourself. If you can't afford a disabled kid, you can't afford a kid because you never know what you're going to get! Abort the kid with Ds, get pregnant again, your kid could have autism. Can't weed that out with abortion. (yet)
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 10:28     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Look, maybe your sister has the money, time, and dedication to make sure that her kid can have a good life despite some challanges. And maybe she has a sister who is willing to dole out who knows how much money to go be the shoulder she cries on, but OP, most people do not. I will admit I don't have the money to give a special needs child the life they deserve, so yeah, I would choose to abort rather then risk giving a kid a bad life.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2012 10:14     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
what about terminating for a physical disability when there is no cognitive or intellectual problems? i am not talking about cleft lip or any repairable issue.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2012 13:44     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here: ^^ great. Please go away. You have no idea what you are talking about.


Really? How can you be so sure? I actually do both have experience with this and believe kids with Ds have real potential and as much a right to be here as anyone else. I am also pro-choice.


But nice try making lots of assumptions about me.


NP, do you actually have a child with downs. Or, are you talking about a friend's child, a relative, or work related. What exactly is your experience.


Sibling with Ds.


Have you actually had this discussion with your parents? Do you know if it made a difference to them. You are the sister,not the parent. Can you honestly say,you know rather struggles. Was it different raising a DS vs NT. You accuse people of speaking from a place of ignorance, or lack of information. Perhaps the same can be stated about you.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2012 13:07     Subject: s/o - Aborting because a child is "disabled"
OP, if it is true what you say about your sister, and this is not a figment of your imagination, then you should know the physical, emotional, and mental toll that your nieces disability took on your sister. What may seem to you as 'cavalier' attitude (and in some cases it probably is), is acknowledgement of the pain that parents feel for their children when they are faced with challenges so early in life. It is a choice between the lesser of two evils, and while to you abortion seems like a greater evil, to others it is living through the pain of there children (depending on disability), the financial and emotional drain, and in some cases the hopelessness that seems like the greater evil which they may not be up to dealing with. There is no right and wrong, every person, family, and disability is different, and it is definitely not up to you to judge anyone for their cavalier or otherwise attitude.