Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every school has mean girls.

This! The public schools too! Hurt people hurt people.

We definitely have this in our public school. In 2nd grade! Kids learn the behavior from their parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone give more examples of what sidelining looks like in a school environment?

A group of friends discussing a weekend event or party in front of their friend who isn't invited. That may or may not be intentional. Kids planning events with or giving gifts to all but one member of the group. Being picked last or not picked for group projects. Having one's birthdays be unacknowledged, even if the person always celebrates friends' birthdays. A kid always getting polite rejections when he/she tries to meet up with classmates out of school.

This is DD’s first year and I wish I’d done more research into things like this before joining. She had a classmate actively work to keep her from winning a student council spot because this mean girl didn’t want DD to get it. She got her buddy to run instead, just to keep DD out (she actually told DD this to her face). This is in the lower school.

Holton's new HOS is the meanest of the mean girls.

Question- my friend’s daughters friend group is run by a Regina George type. Just graduated from highschool. How long will this girl have a hold on the group and on all they do? Once they get to college or will the unhealthy power continue when they return home on breaks?

Anonymous wrote:I know they are almost everywhere, but where is this pervasive?

Been around a long time and noticed the two things that seem negatively affect a school the most are:

Schools where the parents use their own adult friendships to create/force friendships for their daughters. It creates a very toxic environment.

Also schools where there are a large percentage of parents that belong to the same country club or one of two.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised to see so much Holton on here. I haven't heard that. Is it based on recent info? Or a few years ago (when I did hear it more)?

No, recent.

The thing about Holton is that if the girl fits certain profiles, she can go straight through with no issues at all. And if she doesn't, it's a nightmare. And the behavior is true, classic relational aggression, not straight up bullying. So for the outsider girls, there's no concrete behavior to point to and say "this is hurtful." Instead, it's just being iced out, pitied, quietly sidelined in activities and classes. There is nothing to fight. You are simply invisible.

It is not an inclusive place. At all.

+1

It's not bullying, it's sidelining. As I've said before here, if you fit the profile, Holton is amazing. If you don't, it's terrible.

Group of three Friends. One’s family has a beach house in rehobeth, another a ski house in Vermont. The third has no way to reciprocate so doesn’t get invited to the others beach/ski trips.

So awful. Truly.

Ugh. Scared about these dynamics.

Anonymous wrote:
Group of three Friends. One’s family has a beach house in rehobeth, another a ski house in Vermont. The third has no way to reciprocate so doesn’t get invited to the others beach/ski trips.

This is a poor and unhelpful anecdote. Being included has little to do with reciprocation, try extending your logic to any other social dynamic in your life (e.g., parties, car rides, going to dinner…being a friend). No one draws the line at “this person can’t be included if they can’t return an equivalent favor.”

You’re using “wealth” to obscure other issues, which is lazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised to see so much Holton on here. I haven't heard that. Is it based on recent info? Or a few years ago (when I did hear it more)?

No, recent.

The thing about Holton is that if the girl fits certain profiles, she can go straight through with no issues at all. And if she doesn't, it's a nightmare. And the behavior is true, classic relational aggression, not straight up bullying. So for the outsider girls, there's no concrete behavior to point to and say "this is hurtful." Instead, it's just being iced out, pitied, quietly sidelined in activities and classes. There is nothing to fight. You are simply invisible.

It is not an inclusive place. At all.

+1

It's not bullying, it's sidelining. As I've said before here, if you fit the profile, Holton is amazing. If you don't, it's terrible.

Group of three Friends. One’s family has a beach house in rehobeth, another a ski house in Vermont. The third has no way to reciprocate so doesn’t get invited to the others beach/ski trips.

So awful. Truly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised to see so much Holton on here. I haven't heard that. Is it based on recent info? Or a few years ago (when I did hear it more)?

No, recent.

The thing about Holton is that if the girl fits certain profiles, she can go straight through with no issues at all. And if she doesn't, it's a nightmare. And the behavior is true, classic relational aggression, not straight up bullying. So for the outsider girls, there's no concrete behavior to point to and say "this is hurtful." Instead, it's just being iced out, pitied, quietly sidelined in activities and classes. There is nothing to fight. You are simply invisible.

It is not an inclusive place. At all.

+1

It's not bullying, it's sidelining. As I've said before here, if you fit the profile, Holton is amazing. If you don't, it's terrible.

Group of three Friends. One’s family has a beach house in rehobeth, another a ski house in Vermont. The third has no way to reciprocate so doesn’t get invited to the others beach/ski trips.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone give more examples of what sidelining looks like in a school environment?

A group of friends discussing a weekend event or party in front of their friend who isn't invited. That may or may not be intentional. Kids planning events with or giving gifts to all but one member of the group. Being picked last or not picked for group projects. Having one's birthdays be unacknowledged, even if the person always celebrates friends' birthdays. A kid always getting polite rejections when he/she tries to meet up with classmates out of school.

This happened to my kid several times this past year @ Holton. Like for example, on Halloween two of the girls that my daughter thought were her best friends were talking about going trick or treating after school in front of her, but neither thought to extend an invitation. For several years, my DD found out that girls who she thought were friends were not actually her friends when they had parties but didn't invite her. This happened in front of her face so many times.

As a parent, it's been BRUTAL to watch. I do not recommend.

We are not country club people, but we tried reaching out to families one-on-one. I never found that Holton families much cared to reciprocate because there so many families within their social circles already at the school.

We finally gave up this year and decided to leave.

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone give more examples of what sidelining looks like in a school environment?

A group of friends discussing a weekend event or party in front of their friend who isn't invited. That may or may not be intentional. Kids planning events with or giving gifts to all but one member of the group. Being picked last or not picked for group projects. Having one's birthdays be unacknowledged, even if the person always celebrates friends' birthdays. A kid always getting polite rejections when he/she tries to meet up with classmates out of school.

Anonymous wrote:Apologies if this is too off-topic, but this makes me wonder about the boys schools. Is STA as bad as NCS? What about Gonzaga or Georgetown Prep? Do you see a lot of bullying there?

You need to start a s/o thread.

Apologies if this is too off-topic, but this makes me wonder about the boys schools. Is STA as bad as NCS? What about Gonzaga or Georgetown Prep? Do you see a lot of bullying there?

Can anyone give more examples of what sidelining looks like in a school environment?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised to see so much Holton on here. I haven't heard that. Is it based on recent info? Or a few years ago (when I did hear it more)?

No, recent.

The thing about Holton is that if the girl fits certain profiles, she can go straight through with no issues at all. And if she doesn't, it's a nightmare. And the behavior is true, classic relational aggression, not straight up bullying. So for the outsider girls, there's no concrete behavior to point to and say "this is hurtful." Instead, it's just being iced out, pitied, quietly sidelined in activities and classes. There is nothing to fight. You are simply invisible.

It is not an inclusive place. At all.

+1

It's not bullying, it's sidelining. As I've said before here, if you fit the profile, Holton is amazing. If you don't, it's terrible.