Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 19:38     Subject: Re:He’s not a breadwinner
Run as far as you can.

My husband is retired with a medium sized pension and health insurance. Otherwise, I work 45-50 hours a week, do the laundry and the bills. He grocery shops and puts prepared foods on the table for dinner. He doesn't plan social events or vacations. Should have married an ambitious glass bowl.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 19:35     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.


OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.


Strong emotional connection includes good sex? If yes, keep him, marry him.

Many women on this board are complaining about sexless marriages. Men who can satisfy women in the bedroom are hard to find. You have one, keep him.


Seriously. All I need is a f*ckable man who can stay in his lane and let me live the life I want.


We have these? Like out there? Walking around in the world?
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 19:27     Subject: Re:He’s not a breadwinner
I haven't read the previous posts. I have three kids with a similar DH - he is kind, gentle, a great dad, a good human, etc. Over the years, he went from being underemployed to being a SAHD, not entirely with my consent. It is exhausting - the main issue for me is that he wants to be in charge of the finances but I'm the only one making money. If your DH is willing to cut back and share everything and let you take the lead, I say go for it. If he isn't, though, it is a losing proposition.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 17:50     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't wish ill on people generally - but I think all the people in this thread deserve the misery you go on and on about on this website every day.


+1

The responses on this thread are appalling.


What you call appalling, I call pragmatic. The boyfriend here may be sweet enough, but he sounds a bit lazy and unmotivated. That’s not going to pair well with a partner who is ambitious herself.


+1

It’s easy to be appalled when you don’t have to live with the adverse outcome of these decisions.

Unless you yourself are lazy and unmotivated and what is making you “appalled” is seeing that people are encouraging women to recognize the consequences of partnering with lazy and unmotivated men?
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 17:46     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what’s he doing about his “disorganized” career? And what are his prospects for success?

I want you to imagine yourself pregnant, experiencing a complication that puts you on bed rest. What does 6-9 months out of work do to you financially?

Are you willing to:

Leave a newborn in the NICU to return to work.

Return to work still bleeding postpartum if you run out of maternity leave.

Use daycare, public school, and assume your kids will have student loans.

If all of this is fine with you, and you can live that life without any resentment or wanting more, move ahead.

If you can’t, be honest with yourself about that, and keep looking



With all due respect, there are plenty of people who have to do these things because they don't have another choice, even if both of them work.


And do you think if they had it to do over again as they look at their premature infant they would still choose the unreliable partner they weren’t sure about vs. finding someone stable? OP has a choice right now.


Your definition of "unreliable" is interesting


What is it about it that doesn’t check out for you? Her partner *can’t* have a baby. He *chooses* not to have a job which can support a family he claims he wants. There’s nothing reliable about that.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 15:25     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't wish ill on people generally - but I think all the people in this thread deserve the misery you go on and on about on this website every day.


+1

The responses on this thread are appalling.


What you call appalling, I call pragmatic. The boyfriend here may be sweet enough, but he sounds a bit lazy and unmotivated. That’s not going to pair well with a partner who is ambitious herself.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 15:21     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.


OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.


Strong emotional connection includes good sex? If yes, keep him, marry him.

Many women on this board are complaining about sexless marriages. Men who can satisfy women in the bedroom are hard to find. You have one, keep him.



+1

Sexual intercourse is an ingredient in marriage.

Too many people consider it an “optional” ingredient. It is not optional.

If you disagree with that fact, then consider how you would view your spouse having sex with someone else. For the vast majority of people, sex outside the marriage is a deal-breaker.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 15:04     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Ask open ended questions about where he sees his life in 5, 10, 20 years, OP, goals and day to day. Don’t share your thoughts first, he will parrot them.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 15:02     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.


OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.


What's his vision?

You are not ready to get married, much less have kids, unless you have this talk with him. Marrying someone "envisioning" how things will go without discussing that vision with them and ensuring they are on the same page is a recipe for disaster.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 15:00     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what’s he doing about his “disorganized” career? And what are his prospects for success?

I want you to imagine yourself pregnant, experiencing a complication that puts you on bed rest. What does 6-9 months out of work do to you financially?

Are you willing to:

Leave a newborn in the NICU to return to work.

Return to work still bleeding postpartum if you run out of maternity leave.

Use daycare, public school, and assume your kids will have student loans.

If all of this is fine with you, and you can live that life without any resentment or wanting more, move ahead.

If you can’t, be honest with yourself about that, and keep looking



With all due respect, there are plenty of people who have to do these things because they don't have another choice, even if both of them work.


And do you think if they had it to do over again as they look at their premature infant they would still choose the unreliable partner they weren’t sure about vs. finding someone stable? OP has a choice right now.


Your definition of "unreliable" is interesting
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 14:59     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So what’s he doing about his “disorganized” career? And what are his prospects for success?

I want you to imagine yourself pregnant, experiencing a complication that puts you on bed rest. What does 6-9 months out of work do to you financially?

Are you willing to:

Leave a newborn in the NICU to return to work.

Return to work still bleeding postpartum if you run out of maternity leave.

Use daycare, public school, and assume your kids will have student loans.

If all of this is fine with you, and you can live that life without any resentment or wanting more, move ahead.

If you can’t, be honest with yourself about that, and keep looking



With all due respect, there are plenty of people who have to do these things because they don't have another choice, even if both of them work.


And do you think if they had it to do over again as they look at their premature infant they would still choose the unreliable partner they weren’t sure about vs. finding someone stable? OP has a choice right now.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 14:31     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I don't wish ill on people generally - but I think all the people in this thread deserve the misery you go on and on about on this website every day.


+1

The responses on this thread are appalling.

+1
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 14:26     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
PP is right. There are so many women who complain about emotional neglect, lack of sex and cheating. OP has some one without these issues. If he lets her shine, I see no reason why they shouldn’t be together.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 14:09     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you be thinking about marrying and having kids with him if you were 6-10 years younger?

It’s okay if the answer is no and you do it anyway. But be honest with yourself about it, because he isn’t going to change.


OP here. This is a good question. I think I’d still consider it. We have a strong emotional connection and I find that hard to come by.

To add more info. He’s a great cook, frugal shopper, and does take out the trash (he takes out my trash without me asking and we don’t live together). I think he can be depended upon to shuttle kids around and get them to their appointments.

When I say he’s not ambitious I mean in his career. He has no plan for achieving career goals, and doesn’t seem to be passionate about his career.

I wouldn’t want him to be a SAHD. I’m envisioning him continuing to work but picking the slack up with kids, because I will have to be in overdrive to earn more.


Strong emotional connection includes good sex? If yes, keep him, marry him.

Many women on this board are complaining about sexless marriages. Men who can satisfy women in the bedroom are hard to find. You have one, keep him.


Seriously. All I need is a f*ckable man who can stay in his lane and let me live the life I want.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2025 12:51     Subject: He’s not a breadwinner
You have absolutely NO CLUE what your life will look like or feel like when kids come along and you are leaving yourself no options.