Anonymous wrote:Who cares? I’ve always thought that unless you give your kids your last name, not changing your name to your husband’s is just you preferring to keep your daddy’s name, not some righteous feminist act.

Personally, I think surnames should pass through the female side, but as a society we are not even close to being there yet. So keep your name if you feel you must, but it’s ultimately still just the name of the MAN whose property you used to be…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one thing I will say that annoys the crap out of me is when people say something like "well, you just have another man's name, your Dad's". Dad and I were both given the last name at birth, as was my brother. No one tells my Dad or brother their names are not really theirs. Since I got the name exactly the same way they did, I feel my claim to it is just as legitimate as theirs.

I think people say this a response to the idea that it's a feminist issue. And then someone will counter with "Well, either way it's a patriarchal tradition."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It’s definitely a personal choice, but changing to a shared last name can simplify things a lot in daily life—whether it’s paperwork, travel, or even how others see you as a family.

To give some perspective, about 70% of college-educated women and 80% of non-college-educated women in the U.S. take their spouse's last name. Even high-profile professional women like Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama made the change, and they’re known for being pretty liberal.

Having a shared last name also shows commitment and can help avoid misunderstandings, like assumptions about being recently divorced, a new mom, or even just difficult. And if you’re considering hyphenation, just a heads-up: it can get really confusing! It’s tough enough for daily things, but think about when your kids marry—how many hyphens are they going to have to carry? It can quickly get out of hand and becomes more complex with each generation.

In the end, it’s all about what works best for you both, but there’s a lot to be said for the simplicity and unity that come with sharing a family name

Dude, Hillary is old. So is Michelle really. These are not contemporary examples.

I kept my name. Kids have their dads. I do regret that tbh but that’s another issue. No one bats an eye. It’s not less simple. In a way, far more because there’s no gap in my career achievements- eg publications before marriage. Its 2024. Teachers etc understand different last names. I’ll let you in on a secret - many of them aren’t changing their names either.

Keeping separate last names might be more accepted now, but it still creates avoidable complications. The majority of women—over 70% of college-educated and 80% of non-college-educated—still choose to take their spouse’s name, and it’s not just about tradition. A shared name simplifies everything from legal documents to social interactions, clearly showing family unity.

Yes, teachers may recognize different last names, but a single family name prevents misunderstandings and assumptions about family dynamics. And hyphenating? That’s a short-term fix. Future generations face the hassle of multiple hyphens, which just isn’t sustainable.

Career identity can be preserved through other means, so let’s not pretend that keeping separate names is the only progressive choice—it often adds more complexity than it’s worth

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Why would I?

These are the stupidest types of posts ever. We know nothing about you- anonymous poster- so clearly no one can answer that question for you (nor are you impressing anyone with your feigned obtuseness as to why someone might make a choice that had traditionally been and remains most common among married couples.)

Just to provide a counterpoint I’ll share a few reasons why I personally chose to change my name.

1. I knew I wanted kids and wanted our family unit to all have a shared last name
2. Hyphenated names seemed overly complicated/pretentious
3. My father was a deadbeat and I had 0 desire to remain connected to him in name
4. We take multiple international flights per year (sometimes just one parent with kids) and having the same last name makes the security process less complicated
5. I objectively liked the sound of DH’s last name better
6. I’m a traditionalist at heart

Anonymous wrote:The one thing I will say that annoys the crap out of me is when people say something like "well, you just have another man's name, your Dad's". Dad and I were both given the last name at birth, as was my brother. No one tells my Dad or brother their names are not really theirs. Since I got the name exactly the same way they did, I feel my claim to it is just as legitimate as theirs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not change my name. Like the other poster above, I find it bizarre that people do -- mostly in an existential way.

20 years later, I don't care so much about people sending stuff with the wrong name. Those who really know us have mostly self corrected over the years; the remaining stuff is from randoms who don't know me (like work colleagues of DH).

The thing I find most bizarre is what OP mentioned: When a woman gets married and immediately starts slapping "The Hinkeldorks" on everything - wedding thank yous, first xmas cards, etc. My take away is that the new bride sees being married as the ultimate accomplishment. Women who think that just aren't my people.

fwiw all the women I was good friends with through having kids -- none (literally none) ever changed their names. After having babies and moving to the suburbs, it's probably 80% women who changed their names. These friends are lovely women, but probably not the kind of kindred spirits I would gravitate towards if given an unlimited pool of friends from which to choose. I don't care that they changed their names, but the name changing does track with their overall package of who they are.

Or could be they married a very successful person and are proud. My community college educated neighbor from blue collar parents in a small cape on the wrong side of the tracks married a Doctor.

Dr. John Smith and Mrs. John Smith" is how she wants to be addressed. Getting married to a Doctor was her greatest accomplishment. There is nothing wrong with that. It be mean spirited to make light of her accomplishment.

She has a three million dollar home, two million vacation home, drives a Range Rover and has one kid who is in Medical school.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids that have your DH's last name? Often, majority rules. So if 3 of the 4 people have your DH's last name, that's how everyone will refer to you.

I know plenty of people who have not changed their name. Zero of those women have given their last name to their children and 100% of them have given their kids their DH's last name. That's a little weird to me, but whateer

Anonymous wrote:I didn't change my name, nor did my husband.

The kids have his name, and I can't imagine what complications people are imagining, but I would have been thrilled if daycare and schools had called him when a kid needed to be picked up.

Nope. They called me, the one with the different last name.

PS I find the term "maiden name" patriarchal

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Why would I?

These are the stupidest types of posts ever. We know nothing about you- anonymous poster- so clearly no one can answer that question for you (nor are you impressing anyone with your feigned obtuseness as to why someone might make a choice that had traditionally been and remains most common among married couples.)

Just to provide a counterpoint I’ll share a few reasons why I personally chose to change my name.

1. I knew I wanted kids and wanted our family unit to all have a shared last name
2. Hyphenated names seemed overly complicated/pretentious
3. My father was a deadbeat and I had 0 desire to remain connected to him in name
4. We take multiple international flights per year (sometimes just one parent with kids) and having the same last name makes the security process less complicated
5. I objectively liked the sound of DH’s last name better
6. I’m a traditionalist at heart

Eh. I had a name at birth. I don’t want a new one to please others.

Traveling having the same name doesn't make the security process less complicated. If you are taking your kids abroad without the spouse you'll still need a notarized letter. Parents with the same name still have custody disputes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not change my name. Like the other poster above, I find it bizarre that people do -- mostly in an existential way.

20 years later, I don't care so much about people sending stuff with the wrong name. Those who really know us have mostly self corrected over the years; the remaining stuff is from randoms who don't know me (like work colleagues of DH).

The thing I find most bizarre is what OP mentioned: When a woman gets married and immediately starts slapping "The Hinkeldorks" on everything - wedding thank yous, first xmas cards, etc. My take away is that the new bride sees being married as the ultimate accomplishment. Women who think that just aren't my people.

fwiw all the women I was good friends with through having kids -- none (literally none) ever changed their names. After having babies and moving to the suburbs, it's probably 80% women who changed their names. These friends are lovely women, but probably not the kind of kindred spirits I would gravitate towards if given an unlimited pool of friends from which to choose. I don't care that they changed their names, but the name changing does track with their overall package of who they are.

Or could be they married a very successful person and are proud. My community college educated neighbor from blue collar parents in a small cape on the wrong side of the tracks married a Doctor.

Dr. John Smith and Mrs. John Smith" is how she wants to be addressed. Getting married to a Doctor was her greatest accomplishment. There is nothing wrong with that. It be mean spirited to make light of her accomplishment.

She has a three million dollar home, two million vacation home, drives a Range Rover and has one kid who is in Medical school.

Anonymous wrote:I did not change my name. Like the other poster above, I find it bizarre that people do -- mostly in an existential way.

20 years later, I don't care so much about people sending stuff with the wrong name. Those who really know us have mostly self corrected over the years; the remaining stuff is from randoms who don't know me (like work colleagues of DH).

The thing I find most bizarre is what OP mentioned: When a woman gets married and immediately starts slapping "The Hinkeldorks" on everything - wedding thank yous, first xmas cards, etc. My take away is that the new bride sees being married as the ultimate accomplishment. Women who think that just aren't my people.

fwiw all the women I was good friends with through having kids -- none (literally none) ever changed their names. After having babies and moving to the suburbs, it's probably 80% women who changed their names. These friends are lovely women, but probably not the kind of kindred spirits I would gravitate towards if given an unlimited pool of friends from which to choose. I don't care that they changed their names, but the name changing does track with their overall package of who they are.