Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

No, SHE should’ve been asking the questions. “This is my debt, these are my finances. What kind of debt do you have?” Then decisions could have been made on How/when to pay this, should marriage be postponed, is it a deal breaker?

And no one person is paying the debt, “they” are. Less money is coming into the household, whether it’s coming out of his check or hers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

No, SHE should’ve been asking the questions. “This is my debt, these are my finances. What kind of debt do you have?” Then decisions could have been made on How/when to pay this, should marriage be postponed, is it a deal breaker?

And no one person is paying the debt, “they” are. Less money is coming into the household, whether it’s coming out of his check or hers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

No, SHE should’ve been asking the questions. “This is my debt, these are my finances. What kind of debt do you have?” Then decisions could have been made on How/when to pay this, should marriage be postponed, is it a deal breaker?

And no one person is paying the debt, “they” are. Less money is coming into the household, whether it’s coming out of his check or hers.

Now it's the debt free person's fault, not the indebted physician with expensive taste? And we're in la la land where a male doctor would reveal his unmasculine masterplan to pressure his debt free new wife to pay off his loans after they wed. If he asked her parents to marry their daughter, he should've disclosed to them his plan was to get their successful debt free daughter to pay off his loans. All cards on the table, right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Yes, healthy marriages are the result of people discussing key issues BEFORE marriage and continuing into the marriage. Discussing finances, kids, work life balance, dealing with IL/family are all key parts. Finances are one of THE MAJOR reasons people divorce.

I got married straight out of grad school. We had discussed all of these things prior. We both were on same page to work hard/live frugal life to pay off our student loans (I Had $15K, spouse had $80K) and then continue for another year to save downpayment for a house. We knew that I might want to be a SAHP and planned financially for that.
That is what people who want a healthy marriage do. You don't get married and have kids then discuss for first time if you can SAHP. Well you don't do that if you want a successful marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

No, SHE should’ve been asking the questions. “This is my debt, these are my finances. What kind of debt do you have?” Then decisions could have been made on How/when to pay this, should marriage be postponed, is it a deal breaker?

And no one person is paying the debt, “they” are. Less money is coming into the household, whether it’s coming out of his check or hers.

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

My friend met and married a guy who had just finished his MBA at Stanford University. He took loans and had a lot of student debt. She went to an average public college and had no student debt. She had a good job out of college making 100k at 25. He was going through a difficult time working at a startup. She didn’t want to be soaked into his debt and felt like he would slow her down financially. She divorced him.
That guy met another girl and remarried. His career took. Today he’s the CFO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions.
She was wrong and still regret her choice today.
She failed to see that the Stanford MBA student debt was a massive investment into the future.

Actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.

No sounds like he's the one who dodged a bullet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

He was still helping her pay off her loan by taking on the lion's share of living expenses while her income went to her debt. She still benefiting from his income.

True, but she worked her tail off at a big firm until it was paid off. She also never asked him to straight up pay off her debt. My brother would’ve hated that and knowing him, would’ve walked, because it’s an unreasonable ask. But he had no problem effectively carrying the lion’s share of living expenses during that time, nor does he mind carrying the lion’s share of supporting their family now as she’s the involved parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

My friend met and married a guy who had just finished his MBA at Stanford University. He took loans and had a lot of student debt. She went to an average public college and had no student debt. She had a good job out of college making 100k at 25. He was going through a difficult time working at a startup. She didn’t want to be soaked into his debt and felt like he would slow her down financially. She divorced him.
That guy met another girl and remarried. His career took. Today he’s the CFO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions.
She was wrong and still regret her choice today.
She failed to see that the Stanford MBA student debt was a massive investment into the future.

Actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.