Anonymous
03/02/2024 16:14
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.
NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.
Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.
No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week
And that's why there are so many divorces.
This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.
I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.
What are you talking about? This is nothing to do with divorce. Parenting is harder after kindergarten. Period. The same routine is going to happen no matter the marital status. This had nothing to do with divorcing.
The comment was made in response to an earlier one that Op should threaten divorce if her DH doesn’t do more.
NP in kind of a similar situation to OP.
I see a lot of comments to get your spouse to do more. But if you know that you aren’t going to leave over it, then how do you get him to do more?
I mean, OP has asked. They’ve gone to couples counseling about it. He is definitely aware that she wants him to help more. How do you go from letting your spouse know that you need help to actually getting him to help?
For me it was lots of yelling fights, and also leaving the house certain mornings before he was up. I would tell him "I am going to work at 6 am on X day, so you are responsible for the morning routine and dropoff". Don't ask, tell him. Yes, it will cause a fight, but there is no other way to get through this kind of intentional selfishness.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 16:10
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Weekly housekeeping and a sitter on Sat nights. You can do date nights, sleep, or each go out with friends separately that night. Throw money at the problem for now.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 15:41
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is running quite the con here. He does his best and you do ALL the rest. That is madness. He can cut working out two mornings a week. He can do laundry, meal prep, etc on the weekend. You can tell him you will divorce over this.
This. I doubt he needs to be in the office that much. he can do what many of us do with kids: we get home at a reasonable time do all the kids stuff. And then we log back on and work more.
But he likes the way his days are segmented. Because he gets all the time that he wants himself and can minimize the child rearing duties. Agree that he’s got a huge con going. Don’t let him get away with it any longer, OP. And do not cut your hours/effort at work. If divorce is in your future, you want to be able to support yourself. Unless he starts making crazy money and you can get good alimony.
Why do people keep mentioning divorce?
I read OP wants couple time with DH and willing to take on kid duty so they can have their couple time in the evenings. Op just seems more into her Dh than he is into her.
Yeah this makes me confused As to what OP is posting about. Many of us said DH should work/email or workout in the evening after kid bedtime but that wouldn't be OP preference either.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 15:40
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:I am with the PP who asked HOW we are supposed to get our husbands to do more.
The reality is that lots of men are selfish and our society is set up in a way that enables them.
Threatening divorce if you don’t mean it is manipulative and ineffective.
Divorcing your DH over division of labor issues doesn’t actually solve the issue. If the DH is useless now, he will be useless after the divorce. You can’t force someone to step up and participate in 50/50 custody.
The truth is that if a man doesn’t want to contribute and deep down, doesn’t believe he should actually have to be an equal partner in raising kids, then there is nothing anyone can do to force him.
Having divorced a man who was useless, it oddly does get better with divorce, on the condition that your spouse/ex actually cares about the kids. If not, then you are out of luck. Not having my kids three days a week does let me get more done.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 15:32
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
I am with the PP who asked HOW we are supposed to get our husbands to do more.
The reality is that lots of men are selfish and our society is set up in a way that enables them.
Threatening divorce if you don’t mean it is manipulative and ineffective.
Divorcing your DH over division of labor issues doesn’t actually solve the issue. If the DH is useless now, he will be useless after the divorce. You can’t force someone to step up and participate in 50/50 custody.
The truth is that if a man doesn’t want to contribute and deep down, doesn’t believe he should actually have to be an equal partner in raising kids, then there is nothing anyone can do to force him.
The reality is that lots of men are selfish and our society is set up in a way that enables them.
Threatening divorce if you don’t mean it is manipulative and ineffective.
Divorcing your DH over division of labor issues doesn’t actually solve the issue. If the DH is useless now, he will be useless after the divorce. You can’t force someone to step up and participate in 50/50 custody.
The truth is that if a man doesn’t want to contribute and deep down, doesn’t believe he should actually have to be an equal partner in raising kids, then there is nothing anyone can do to force him.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 15:19
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
As someone who works one of these type jobs- men are straight up fooling you all. The women in my office get to work early, work through lunch or run errands, leave early and then work 8-10pm when extra is needed. Men get to work late, take hour long lunches with friends, work late and do so on purpose so that they miss dinner time. I don’t even think their wives know how late they get to work.
Women just need to take a stand tell men that it’s not acceptable.
My suggestion is that the Dh works out after kids are asleep. Wanting to workout shouldn’t excuse you from drop off.
Women just need to take a stand tell men that it’s not acceptable.
My suggestion is that the Dh works out after kids are asleep. Wanting to workout shouldn’t excuse you from drop off.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 15:06
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
The problem is that her Dh is selfish and does very little and leaves OP with the kids. That is the disagreement.
I would start leaving kids with Dh more. Just let him handle them. Say you take kids to school on Tuesday and Thursday. Then he has to take kids to school and not go work out. Simple.
I would start leaving kids with Dh more. Just let him handle them. Say you take kids to school on Tuesday and Thursday. Then he has to take kids to school and not go work out. Simple.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 14:56
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your husband is running quite the con here. He does his best and you do ALL the rest. That is madness. He can cut working out two mornings a week. He can do laundry, meal prep, etc on the weekend. You can tell him you will divorce over this.
This. I doubt he needs to be in the office that much. he can do what many of us do with kids: we get home at a reasonable time do all the kids stuff. And then we log back on and work more.
But he likes the way his days are segmented. Because he gets all the time that he wants himself and can minimize the child rearing duties. Agree that he’s got a huge con going. Don’t let him get away with it any longer, OP. And do not cut your hours/effort at work. If divorce is in your future, you want to be able to support yourself. Unless he starts making crazy money and you can get good alimony.
Why do people keep mentioning divorce?
I read OP wants couple time with DH and willing to take on kid duty so they can have their couple time in the evenings. Op just seems more into her Dh than he is into her.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 14:54
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is running quite the con here. He does his best and you do ALL the rest. That is madness. He can cut working out two mornings a week. He can do laundry, meal prep, etc on the weekend. You can tell him you will divorce over this.
This. I doubt he needs to be in the office that much. he can do what many of us do with kids: we get home at a reasonable time do all the kids stuff. And then we log back on and work more.
But he likes the way his days are segmented. Because he gets all the time that he wants himself and can minimize the child rearing duties. Agree that he’s got a huge con going. Don’t let him get away with it any longer, OP. And do not cut your hours/effort at work. If divorce is in your future, you want to be able to support yourself. Unless he starts making crazy money and you can get good alimony.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 14:50
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.
NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.
Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.
No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week
And that's why there are so many divorces.
This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.
I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.
What are you talking about? This is nothing to do with divorce. Parenting is harder after kindergarten. Period. The same routine is going to happen no matter the marital status. This had nothing to do with divorcing.
The comment was made in response to an earlier one that Op should threaten divorce if her DH doesn’t do more.
NP in kind of a similar situation to OP.
I see a lot of comments to get your spouse to do more. But if you know that you aren’t going to leave over it, then how do you get him to do more?
I mean, OP has asked. They’ve gone to couples counseling about it. He is definitely aware that she wants him to help more. How do you go from letting your spouse know that you need help to actually getting him to help?
I have a few friends in this type of situation. Some just accept it as better than being divorced. Having a husband who doesn’t help much but helps 10-20% is better than nothing.
I have a few friends who don’t accept it and just waiting for kids to be out of the house before divorcing.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 14:38
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.
NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.
Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.
No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week
And that's why there are so many divorces.
This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.
I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.
What are you talking about? This is nothing to do with divorce. Parenting is harder after kindergarten. Period. The same routine is going to happen no matter the marital status. This had nothing to do with divorcing.
The comment was made in response to an earlier one that Op should threaten divorce if her DH doesn’t do more.
NP in kind of a similar situation to OP.
I see a lot of comments to get your spouse to do more. But if you know that you aren’t going to leave over it, then how do you get him to do more?
I mean, OP has asked. They’ve gone to couples counseling about it. He is definitely aware that she wants him to help more. How do you go from letting your spouse know that you need help to actually getting him to help?
Anonymous
03/02/2024 13:09
Subject: We keep arguing about work and home responsibilities because we're both overwhelmed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It would make sense for you to reduce your work hours to part-time. If you hire more help, the cost coming out of your net pay is more than the gross pay you earn during that time.
Your lifestyle is not sustainable. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Mothers of young children should only work part-time, for the sanity and happiness of all family members.
Disagree. This DH is a dud and a lot of DWs take on all of it and enable that.
So many women accept these bad situations, not just with childcare but everything. I have lost much respect to women who constantly give in to their husbands and accept this inferior position.