Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I also have a 13 year old. We haven’t faced this yet but I feel mine is also running with a bit of a fast crowd in school and I’m not happy about it. Her friends outside of school are not that way so we encourage more time with them, but let’s face it, they spend most time with the kids in school. She is “pressured” to do things I don’t think she’d normally do, and we’ve talked about that, and how pressure will get worse as she gets older. She is easily influenced by others and wants to fit in and be cool.

We are very involved parents, have family dinners, she’s into sports, has limits on her phone, does charity work and attend church regularly, etc. If they wanna hide stuff from you, they can. And they’re all very good liars.

For those of you saying change schools, or public/private is the answer — not always. Mine is currently in a small special needs private and I’m finding the kids are worse there than in public. For now, she needs that school for the academic help, but I actually can’t wait to move her out. There’s pros/cons to either choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses on here are just horrible. The judgment and cruelty are the reason people are leaving this site.

OP, I’m sorry your daughter is going through this and you are overwhelmed. I agree she needs something by more than punishment - it seems like she is acting out to get attention. If you can afford it, individual and family therapy will help. Do you have any family member who can help with respite care for your SN kid?

And for the other posters - I wouldn’t be so holier than thou. This can happen even to kids of involved, loving parents. It is insane to call for a CPS investigation or removal from the home. Have any of you ever been involved in the foster care system? Because it is deeply traumatizing to kids.

Yea, reading these comments is literally making me want to quit DCUM for good. OP came here for help and the judgment and nasty comments are unreal.

OP, I have not dealt with this with my own kids (yet?) but my middle school friends were heading down a bad path and my parents made me go to private school for high school and it was the best thing for me. New friend group, not as “fast.”

I think there has been a horrible uptick in meanness, and frankly it sounds like high school mean girls have started to take over the site. It is truly awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if there’s a chance you are still reading this, ignore the condemnation on this thread.

I don’t think you should go this alone. Definitely family therapy, definitely individual therapy for DD. You may also benefit from individual therapy, parent coaching, couples counseling. It’s also possible that a stay in high quality residential treatment might be beneficial for DD. It’s very expensive and usually not covered by insurance but look into it.

Call in whatever support you can from family and very close trusted friends.

You can’t change the past. You are already starting to change the future. That is exactly what you need to do.

Listen to the PPs like this, OP. Ignore the terrible people who are so insecure they come on here to trash OPs to make themselves feel superior.

Good luck, OP.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Not without fault but damn, why are you willing to excuse lax parenting? I’m not telling all parents they’re doing a great job. Some aren’t. And the kids are the ones who pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kid would benefit from a good boarding school. Clearly, you are not on track yourself.

Drug and alcohol use is rampant in boarding schools, naive Nancy.

Funny. I’m 100 percent sure you don’t have a kid at a boarding school. I do. It is most certainly not rampant at all boarding schools. Also, boarding schools start in HS (the vast majority) so this is out. Not to mention most people can’t afford the 60-75k tuition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You all are so judgmental. OP already acknowledges that she has been negligent due to an older SN child. This can happen to any kid who falls in the wrong crowd. It happened to DD’s old friend from a W school. Fell into wrong crowd, was drinking, vaping, marijuana, sleeping around in 9th grade. Started slowly in middle school. Parents pulled her out and ended up moving to a small town in a different state. Some of the same issues persisted. Basically, you can’t run away from the issue. Kid will find the same fast crowd wherever they move. Both parents were super attentive. Mom was SAH, very involved. She was on PTA, volunteered at school. She did everything that most people are discussing on here. I knew the family for years and was shocked as well. A lot of these issues are a lot more prevalent than most on here realize.

Sorry, judgement is called for here. Her 13 year old has been doing this a long time and she had no clue. She’s that checked out and it has put her daughter at enormous risk. She deserves to feel judged and shamed then she might actually parent her poor kid.

And you are without fault?

So many frickin glass houses you people are living in. Karma is a beeeeyatch. Watch out ladies.

Anonymous wrote:OP, if there’s a chance you are still reading this, ignore the condemnation on this thread.

I don’t think you should go this alone. Definitely family therapy, definitely individual therapy for DD. You may also benefit from individual therapy, parent coaching, couples counseling. It’s also possible that a stay in high quality residential treatment might be beneficial for DD. It’s very expensive and usually not covered by insurance but look into it.

Call in whatever support you can from family and very close trusted friends.

You can’t change the past. You are already starting to change the future. That is exactly what you need to do.

Listen to the PPs like this, OP. Ignore the terrible people who are so insecure they come on here to trash OPs to make themselves feel superior.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ I would also be willing to bet that many of the parents responding above have younger kids. I had it all figured out when my kids were 10, too.

Wrong. Almost 15, and 10. And I teach high school. But I actually monitor my kids activities and their phones and parent them, not ignore them and then panic and discipline when I realize they’ve been acting out in harmful ways because of my own negligence.

You are a despicable person. Op asks for help and had a situation on her hands you clearly do not understand.

Your kids may be "well-behaved" as far as you are concerned, but they are growing up to be just another set of smug, a-hole bullies without any empathy or compassion. Because clearly you have none. What kind of smug jerk comes on an anonymous message board to bash people seeking help? There is tough advice and then there is smug, humblebragging, useless nastiness. That's you.

YOU should be ashamed of yourself.

OP, if there’s a chance you are still reading this, ignore the condemnation on this thread.

I don’t think you should go this alone. Definitely family therapy, definitely individual therapy for DD. You may also benefit from individual therapy, parent coaching, couples counseling. It’s also possible that a stay in high quality residential treatment might be beneficial for DD. It’s very expensive and usually not covered by insurance but look into it.

Call in whatever support you can from family and very close trusted friends.

You can’t change the past. You are already starting to change the future. That is exactly what you need to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate when folks blame the parents. I did similar behavior when I was her daughter's age. My parents were very involved in my life. I got straight As. I was in Girl Scouts. I was involved with numerous volunteer projects and my church group. We had family dinner every night.

I also really liked drinking and boys. My parents could not be with my every single second and I was a good liar.

OP: My parents obviously eventually found out. I went into therapy. It helped some but to be honest the only thing that helped me change was to completely get a new set of friends and never talk to my old friends again. So I think folks are right on with that advice.

But this is the main advice we are giving, and the reason we are judging. If “your” children are hanging out with the worthless popular kids, don’t be surprised when you discover that they’re doing bad things.

It's not easy to control you kids friends. Sure you can ban them outside of school. But they will see them in school. I would NEVER blame my parents for the choices I made. In my situation anyway. As I said my parents were very involved. These were friends I had since early elementary. We didn't drink until we did. Parents are not psychic they can't always know the choices their kids friends make.

Do you see how your situation is different because you say your parents WERE involved and OP admits she hasn’t been? Meaning, OP has room to improve here and possibly turn things around for her kid if she starts actively parenting the way yours were

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate when folks blame the parents. I did similar behavior when I was her daughter's age. My parents were very involved in my life. I got straight As. I was in Girl Scouts. I was involved with numerous volunteer projects and my church group. We had family dinner every night.

I also really liked drinking and boys. My parents could not be with my every single second and I was a good liar.

OP: My parents obviously eventually found out. I went into therapy. It helped some but to be honest the only thing that helped me change was to completely get a new set of friends and never talk to my old friends again. So I think folks are right on with that advice.

But this is the main advice we are giving, and the reason we are judging. If “your” children are hanging out with the worthless popular kids, don’t be surprised when you discover that they’re doing bad things.

It's not easy to control you kids friends. Sure you can ban them outside of school. But they will see them in school. I would NEVER blame my parents for the choices I made. In my situation anyway. As I said my parents were very involved. These were friends I had since early elementary. We didn't drink until we did. Parents are not psychic they can't always know the choices their kids friends make.

Anonymous wrote:What is the consensus on if this is a group of 14 and 15 year old freshman girls? Have a friend going through this.

Same advice.

Oh wow, people are being really mean. Op, I agree that this behavior by a 13yo is pretty unusual/extreme, but no point dwelling on how it happened. Now you need to focus on what to do going forward:

1. Remover her from this group of friends-do this by not allowing in person get togethers with anyone, period. Tell her that she has lost your trust and that trust will need to be earned back.

2. Have a sit down about the dangers of risky behaviors and make her sign a contract when you give her back her phone.

3. Family therapy

What is the consensus on if this is a group of 14 and 15 year old freshman girls? Have a friend going through this.