Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

How/why does this manifest so late in life. Don’t say midlife crisis because we know that’s cheater speak for a lame excuse.

I ask because I’ve divorced one of these and I still don’t understand the mental decline.

Not my prob anymore!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

Agree, well said.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Gold child syndrome

They can do no wrong, per their Mommy decades ago

How dare you make a comment or suggestion or criticism or concern

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

My DH does a lot at home but reacts the way of the bolded for any criticism. I don’t think you can change their reaction.

Anonymous wrote:You have to stop helping him. Just stop. Also stop asking him to do things like vacuum or clean. Things won’t get done the way you want and they often won’t get done. It will still suck, but it will be a better dynamic than you have now.

Honestly, better. It’s much better if you don’t try to control other adults. It’s possible that he’ll watch you scrubbing the toilet while he sits on the couch and he’ll suddenly go pick up the vacuum. It’s also possible, and perhaps more likely, that he’s still sitting on the couch with his thumb up his rear when you walk out the door for the last time. But that’s still better than trying to be his mommy.

You have to stare into the abyss here and get cool with the risk. You have to let him be who he is and accept that it might not be good enough. You’ll get to a more honest place and then you can decide what to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where you guys get this BS about this being the fault of women's standards. My DH doesn't clean almost at all and part of the problem is HIS standards. I was like "why don't you ever vacuum?" and he said he hates it because you have to move all the furniture around and it's a pain. I was like what are you talking about, most of the time when I vacuum I just hit the high traffic areas and leave moving furniture for an occasional deep clean.

I can do a quick clean of the bathroom in like 10 minutes. It's not thorough but gets it presentable enough. If DH cleans the shower it will take him an hour. I don't criticize him if he dies this, but the reason he does it so rarely (like once every two years) is that he has this idea it's a huge undertaking.

I think part of the problem is that he cleaned so rarely when he lived alone that when he did clean, it was a lot of work because he'd let things really build up. I clean more frequently but kind of half-ass it, and it's fine I do it frequently enough that the house never gets that dirty.

The upshot is that I do all the cleaning because he is overwhelmed by it and also only cleans things if they are so filthy you can't ignore them, and I don't let the house get that dirty. In the last 5 years he's cleaned twice, once when I had Covid and once when I was on bedrest with my pregnancy for a month. And both times he complained about how hard it was even though I was too incapacitated to care what or how he did it.

It's not about women's standards being too high. It's about men being lazy and putting stuff off until it's a huge hassle, and then being touchy and irritable about it when they finally do it.

Every situation is different. And it sounds like your husband's standards are not there - and he needs to pay for a cleaner if he can't do the bare meinimum.

But for a lot of women the bare minimum (which is what I do) is not good enough; and I hear things like he needs to clean the counter with this not that; he doens't wipe it off left to right but right to left.

Women who complain about the kids having donuts for breakfast on dad's day; or who don't vacuum the knap in the carpet the "right" way are intentionally driving themselves crazy and it has nothing to do with their husband.

I hear from all my friends - oh they won't get a vegetable; they will go to the store in their pajamas; etc. And again why is that a problem? Who is dying? Its his way to to do it? If the kids don't have rickets and are warm why does it matter.

Your husband needs to grow the f&*& up. And you should book a cleaner and use his CC - if he can't do his 50% then he can pay to have someone do it. If he wants to save money he can step up. This should not be negotiable.

Do you believe it is acceptable for children to eat donuts for breakfast every day, and to never eat vegetables? If not, why is it acceptable on Dad’s Day and not on Mom’s Day? Dads should hold themselves to the same high standards as Moms, and the good ones actually do.

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where you guys get this BS about this being the fault of women's standards. My DH doesn't clean almost at all and part of the problem is HIS standards. I was like "why don't you ever vacuum?" and he said he hates it because you have to move all the furniture around and it's a pain. I was like what are you talking about, most of the time when I vacuum I just hit the high traffic areas and leave moving furniture for an occasional deep clean.

I can do a quick clean of the bathroom in like 10 minutes. It's not thorough but gets it presentable enough. If DH cleans the shower it will take him an hour. I don't criticize him if he dies this, but the reason he does it so rarely (like once every two years) is that he has this idea it's a huge undertaking.

I think part of the problem is that he cleaned so rarely when he lived alone that when he did clean, it was a lot of work because he'd let things really build up. I clean more frequently but kind of half-ass it, and it's fine I do it frequently enough that the house never gets that dirty.

The upshot is that I do all the cleaning because he is overwhelmed by it and also only cleans things if they are so filthy you can't ignore them, and I don't let the house get that dirty. In the last 5 years he's cleaned twice, once when I had Covid and once when I was on bedrest with my pregnancy for a month. And both times he complained about how hard it was even though I was too incapacitated to care what or how he did it.

It's not about women's standards being too high. It's about men being lazy and putting stuff off until it's a huge hassle, and then being touchy and irritable about it when they finally do it.

Every situation is different. And it sounds like your husband's standards are not there - and he needs to pay for a cleaner if he can't do the bare meinimum.

But for a lot of women the bare minimum (which is what I do) is not good enough; and I hear things like he needs to clean the counter with this not that; he doens't wipe it off left to right but right to left.

Women who complain about the kids having donuts for breakfast on dad's day; or who don't vacuum the knap in the carpet the "right" way are intentionally driving themselves crazy and it has nothing to do with their husband.

I hear from all my friends - oh they won't get a vegetable; they will go to the store in their pajamas; etc. And again why is that a problem? Who is dying? Its his way to to do it? If the kids don't have rickets and are warm why does it matter.

Your husband needs to grow the f&*& up. And you should book a cleaner and use his CC - if he can't do his 50% then he can pay to have someone do it. If he wants to save money he can step up. This should not be negotiable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like 90% of the comments on this thread are "well it must be your fault, you must criticize him too much."

Bull$hit.

When I got married, my DH used to criticize stuff all the time. He's a great cook and he'd nitpick my cooking constantly, hover over me in the kitchen on the nights I cooked, etc. Did I suddenly claim I didn't know how to cook? No, because I'm not a 7 year old child. I told him "When you cook, do it your way. When I cook, I do it my way. I do not like you hovering over me and correcting me, so stop." And he did.

So if a woman is criticizing how her spouse is doing something, there is no reason he can't say "hey, you are being too critical -- let me do it my way." In fact my DH also says this to me sometimes about housekeeping and parenting, and when he does I lay off. We are both adults so we act like it. Neither of us is perfect.

A man who just stops doing basic stuff or feigns total incompetence at simple things like vacuuming or feeding your kid is LOOKING for an out. You could provide no feedback at all and he'd claim you were being too critical. He just doesn't want to do it.

And based on the replies in this thread, a lot of people buy into a dynamic where he shouldn't have to, because apparently in order for a man to do basic household and parenting tasks, his wife must invite him to do it in the perfect way, with the perfect tone of voice, and encourage him and never criticize in the most supportive way. Yes I call BS. If my DH was feeding our kid cereal for dinner even though there are is perfectly good food in the house and she has nutritional deficiencies, you bet I'm going to say "What is this? She needs to eat something else. At least give her some fruit and a spoonful of peanut butter to go with this." Because duh. I don't need to dance around his sensitive baby feelings. He's in his 40s and is a parent. He can handle a little feedback from his parenting partner, especially when he's phoning it in in a way that is actually undermining something important.

Good lord the prancing around the masculine ego around here. Get over it.

Agree, well said.

Anonymous wrote:I finally got so annoyed just this past weekend around this issue. Husband asked for minestrone soup - which the recipe I have is labor intensive, but whatever, it's raining, good soup weather, so let's do it. But said you're helping. So he cuts and slices not even close to how it "should" be (like sliced potatoes, not diced) but who cares! They're cut. Then walks away. Nope. I said get back here, clean up. You don't just walk away from your mess, you clean it, just like I'm cleaning up after myself and the mess I'm making. And then I called it like it was and told him I'm not falling for his weaponized incompetence, and I'm not the maid in the house, we all are. He came back and cleaned up his potato juices off the counter cutting board and that was that.

To be very clear - he was trying to watch the golf and really didn't want to help at all. But too bad. You ask for labor intensive soup, you're helping from now on!