Anonymous wrote:

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

This sounds like projecting. The truth is that the younger generation doesn't need the older as much as they seem to think. They're busy. Have you forgotten? One is not lonely and pathetic because they can figure out life without your input. The best would be if each person manages by themselves and reaches out when invited. You know, like you would do with any other adult?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

This is a large jump/assumption to make: you don’t want pop ins, so you must be a soulless, money grubbing machine. Um, ok. How can you reason with someone who jumps planets to form conclusions? You can’t.

It’s funny how the responses are so split in here because everyone commenting has researched this issue bc they’re either on one side of the problem- 1. feeling overwhelmed/overburdened, or on the other side of the issue-2. feeling lonely/neglected.
No one’s researching this topic if they’ve found the perfect balance of communication & healthy boundaries.
*That’s what’s needed for resolution-communication, acceptance, & balance.

I think some people are missing the point. If accepting pop in guests randomly throughout the work week makes you happy, great do it. There’s tons of value in love, community, & spontaneity-it’s undeniable.

If you need more notice (for literally any reason whatsoever) then that is perfectly fine too (at least it should be-for people who aren’t narcissists!).

Saying people MUST adhere to your lifestyle & graciously accept any pop in visit isn’t okay or realistic. It’s selfish.

I work from home and don’t have kids, so people make the mistake of thinking I’m available 24/7. I’m not. I have meetings and work to get done that’s just as important as my husband’s.
I am autistic & have ADHD. I do not do well with a bunch of distractions during a work week. That pop in lifestyle doesn’t work for me. I struggle a lot already with focus & maintaining my daily tasks. But also with depression and anxiety when I have tougher days. Some days I just need time on my own to work it out myself & don’t want a pop in, nosing into my home.

Sure, I can see why some feel that sparing 15-30 minutes/hour for a loved one isn’t a big deal. Some days it isn’t a big deal & is very doable!

But everyone should be able to say no to a pop in sometimes without feeling extreme guilt. You’re right. It’s not 1974 anymore. It takes two incomes, sometimes 3-4 to pay the bills. I literally cannot afford to get too off track.

Insisting everyone should adopt your personality & live the way you live is selfish & delusional. Insisting that only one person’s priorities matter is selfish. Insisting that only one lifestyle is fulfilling is ignorant.

Sure, spontaneity is great & rewarding to some, but expecting someone to be available any and every day of the week for your random pop ins is selfish.

Making loved ones feel guilty & anxious for not living the same lifestyle you are-well that is downright unbearable.

I already feel enough guilt & feelings of inadequacy on my own for not being neurotypical. If someone else is going to continuously cause me even more distress just for being me & using my coping strategies, then I will eventually cut them out completely. Life is too short to spend time with people who do not try to respect you, your differences, or your needs. That’s crazy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?

And you can't handle saying hi to someone and receiving muffins. go figure. How did you even land a spouse much less have children. That must be so inconvenient for you.

DP It's not just "saying hi to someone and receiving muffins," but often a tortuous interaction with snide and cutting remarks, much like yours above.

It's not just the muffins. It's the personality disorder issues and bitterness that comes with them.

Ah, yes. The passive aggressive bites disguised as innocent helpfulness.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL also has “just drop by” tendencies. Funny thing is, she won’t let anyone into her own home…claims to have environmental allergies to people’s perfume and detergent (which don’t seem to bother her in public places. Also I still use my own shampoo and perfumes in her presence and she doesn’t seem to notice, probably because she really wants to see me , or more precisely, my kids.) Also allergic to cell phones so you can’t bring one into her house. My husband defends her but I think it’s all control issues and I told her that she can’t just swing by and burst in on us, particularly when she is so rigid about her own privacy and environment. And yes she would often bring “gifts” of food. And whoops, then she would have to stop by yet again to get the empty dish!

Ugh, she sounds like a pill. You’ve got my sympathies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless my DH and I are swinging from the ceiling, I'd just have an open door policy. Just make sure she understands that you can't stop (whatever) when visitors show up. Have her take your kids for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Why have separate houses at all if your front door is a revolving door for your parents? If you are that compatible and if you feel no need to have your own personal space and privacy, why not just live with your parents? Seriously, you all could save a ton of money by living together.

I love my own parents and my ILs, but no way in hell would I want to live in the same house with either of them. Then again, I also don't let either of them just show up unannounced all the time--they understand boundaries and call to plan when we will get together. They also happily watch the grandkids when needed, if it works with their schedule. If they have plans, we hire a sitter or don't go out. It's a level of give and take and respect for everyone.

That’s how we always handled it, too.

My MIL also has “just drop by” tendencies. Funny thing is, she won’t let anyone into her own home…claims to have environmental allergies to people’s perfume and detergent (which don’t seem to bother her in public places. Also I still use my own shampoo and perfumes in her presence and she doesn’t seem to notice, probably because she really wants to see me , or more precisely, my kids.) Also allergic to cell phones so you can’t bring one into her house. My husband defends her but I think it’s all control issues and I told her that she can’t just swing by and burst in on us, particularly when she is so rigid about her own privacy and environment. And yes she would often bring “gifts” of food. And whoops, then she would have to stop by yet again to get the empty dish!

Anonymous wrote:Unless my DH and I are swinging from the ceiling, I'd just have an open door policy. Just make sure she understands that you can't stop (whatever) when visitors show up. Have her take your kids for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Some people are not interested in or capable of listening to you and doing that. If I say to my mom, "I'm going to be busy, but you can just take the kids to the park", it's going to be a whole goddamn thing about which park they should go to and where is it and what should she bring and am I sure it's ok or is it too hot or cold? And, oh, wait, the kids don't really want to go, so maybe they should all stay here. There is no way this plays out that isn't a pain for me. This is why people set boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?

And you can't handle saying hi to someone and receiving muffins. go figure. How did you even land a spouse much less have children. That must be so inconvenient for you.

DP It's not just "saying hi to someone and receiving muffins," but often a tortuous interaction with snide and cutting remarks, much like yours above.

It's not just the muffins. It's the personality disorder issues and bitterness that comes with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless my DH and I are swinging from the ceiling, I'd just have an open door policy. Just make sure she understands that you can't stop (whatever) when visitors show up. Have her take your kids for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Why have separate houses at all if your front door is a revolving door for your parents? If you are that compatible and if you feel no need to have your own personal space and privacy, why not just live with your parents? Seriously, you all could save a ton of money by living together.

I love my own parents and my ILs, but no way in hell would I want to live in the same house with either of them. Then again, I also don't let either of them just show up unannounced all the time--they understand boundaries and call to plan when we will get together. They also happily watch the grandkids when needed, if it works with their schedule. If they have plans, we hire a sitter or don't go out. It's a level of give and take and respect for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:Unless my DH and I are swinging from the ceiling, I'd just have an open door policy. Just make sure she understands that you can't stop (whatever) when visitors show up. Have her take your kids for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Why have separate houses at all if your front door is a revolving door for your parents? If you are that compatible and if you feel no need to have your own personal space and privacy, why not just live with your parents? Seriously, you all could save a ton of money by living together.

Unless my DH and I are swinging from the ceiling, I'd just have an open door policy. Just make sure she understands that you can't stop (whatever) when visitors show up. Have her take your kids for a walk or to the park or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?

And you can't handle saying hi to someone and receiving muffins. go figure. How did you even land a spouse much less have children. That must be so inconvenient for you.

Dang I love our parents but if they were regularly dropping by and randomly entering our house I would go nuts.

We didn’t have kids until we were in our mid 30’s. By that point we had been self supporting and out of our parents’ houses for well over a decade. If we didn’t welcome or tolerate intrusiveness before kids why on earth would we welcome it after kids. We can do our own children’s laundry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some dysfunctional families on here. I cannot imagine being so formal about scheduling time with either set of our parents. One of the great benefits of living near family is being able to do the spur the moment things and quick visits.

Seriously!!! Plus +100

Agreed! My MIL just stops by and opens the door and its never occurred to me to mind. And rarely is she bringing food. But she also helps with the kids all the time, has never refused babysitting and is always asking how things in my family are going (how's my dad, my new baby niece, etc). She's family and is an awesome grandmother to my kids. I wish I had that when I was a kid but my local grandmother died when I was 6. I hope my kids appreciate it.

I would truly rather die than life a life in which my MIL just opens my door and walks into my house at anytime that pleases her. But, she’s mean and bossy and unfriendly and in general just a negative vibe person to have around. - mother of 4

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t she stop by with muffins or soup? Does her coming by cause problems?

+1
Sounds great. I would love if my family dropped by.

That works when your family is familial, and kind. Some MILs are pretty egregious.