Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 11:03     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I was 8 and my mother told me "Don't ever have children, they'll ruin your life."

I spent my life -- and many years in therapy, trying to prove to her I wouldn't ruin her life.

And here i am at 61 still recounting it. (With 2 fabulous kids now in college.)


My God, I’m 60 and my mother said the same thing to me. Unfortunately, I can’t count it as the defining trauma.


When I was 8 my mother stopped the car she was driving with me in the passenger seat (yes, the front it was the 70s) and she said "If I'm ever in an accident where I end up as a vegetable I want you to do everything you can to pull the plug"

yeah, fun times.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2023 06:13     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:When I was 8 and my mother told me "Don't ever have children, they'll ruin your life."

I spent my life -- and many years in therapy, trying to prove to her I wouldn't ruin her life.

And here i am at 61 still recounting it. (With 2 fabulous kids now in college.)


My God, I’m 60 and my mother said the same thing to me. Unfortunately, I can’t count it as the defining trauma.
Anonymous
Post 08/29/2023 21:08     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:Not everyone experiences trauma, and the ones that do don’t all allow it to define them.


I don't remember large parts of my childhood. I have memories from when I was 7 and when I was 9, but don't remember being 8 years old at all. I don't remember anything before the age of 5.
One way to prevent trauma from defining you is to block it all out.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 20:06     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this topic lately. Honestly, public shaming for having oral herpes (cold sores) has been the ongoing trauma in my life. I have been kicked out of friend groups, scolded by family members at holidays, rejected by people I cared about, shunned at jobs, lost out on opportunities and even shunned by my former faith community.

I have had recurring cold sores most of my life and was not able to take medication due to kidney issues. Recently the frequency and severity has subsided and reflecting back I now see how much this issue has impacted my life. For so long I stuffed away the hurt of each event and I didn't make the connection.
.

A girl I went to high school with experienced this and people probably don’t understand how horrible people are about it. She was attractive and had a well to do family but was treated like a leper whether she had the sores or not.



I believe a herpes vaccine is on the horizon. But even after a vaccine, I doubt I will ever feel comfortable around the people who said and did unkind things to me because of oral herpes. The virus gave people justification to shame me and they seized every opportunity with delight.


Is it a sexually transmitted disease? It’s not right? I’ve seen a lot of people with cold sores and never considered if something to shame.


Every human carries the simplex virus only a few have it triggered in the form of cold sores. A different version can be sexually transmitted
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 19:51     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
I’m sorry PP. Suicide is very very hard on those who are left.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 19:43     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
I had two. Raped in a doctors office.
Beloved husband committed suicide.
30 years apart.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 19:24     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:Multiple traumas, but the one that has been defining has been having a toxic narcissist mother. No amount of therapy completely overcomes the impact of being neglected and abused by a parent who is incapable of love.


100 percent agree. I say this as someone who lost my father as a young child to alcoholism and liver failure and lost my twin brother to overdose/suicide.

Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 19:14     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this topic lately. Honestly, public shaming for having oral herpes (cold sores) has been the ongoing trauma in my life. I have been kicked out of friend groups, scolded by family members at holidays, rejected by people I cared about, shunned at jobs, lost out on opportunities and even shunned by my former faith community.

I have had recurring cold sores most of my life and was not able to take medication due to kidney issues. Recently the frequency and severity has subsided and reflecting back I now see how much this issue has impacted my life. For so long I stuffed away the hurt of each event and I didn't make the connection.
.

A girl I went to high school with experienced this and people probably don’t understand how horrible people are about it. She was attractive and had a well to do family but was treated like a leper whether she had the sores or not.



I believe a herpes vaccine is on the horizon. But even after a vaccine, I doubt I will ever feel comfortable around the people who said and did unkind things to me because of oral herpes. The virus gave people justification to shame me and they seized every opportunity with delight.


Is it a sexually transmitted disease? It’s not right? I’ve seen a lot of people with cold sores and never considered if something to shame.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 19:11     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:When I (f) was 15 I was on the high school tennis team with my 16-year old neighbor who was my doubles partner. One night, she got into the back seat of a car with 3 other teens in there. They had all been drinking. They slammed in to a tree; the tree did not move. My neighbor went thru the windshield and was decapitated.

My neighbor's mom had a nervous breakdown and went to a "mental hospital." My mother pointed her finger at me and said "Don't you ever, ever do that to me." The neighbors soon after moved away, and I did not ever drink and drive or get into a car with anyone who had been drinking.



That's a bad one.


She wasn’t even in the car. She just knew of it.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 14:33     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:^^ I'm in my mid-50s and had bad cold sores on my mouth from the age of about 4 til my 30's when they sort of subsided. No one ever rejected or mocked me. Ever. And I lived in large urban areas, London, New York etc. I suspect if you lived in a tiny hick town, this might happen? Who knows but a lot of it has to be in the imagination of the cold sore sufferer, I suspect.


Seriously. My mom is an upstanding old church lady who has had cold sores her whole life and no one cares.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 14:19     Subject: Re:What is the defining trauma of your life?
- father dying when I was in 3rd grade
- twin sibling dying of an overdose when he was 30
- being raised by a mentally ill mother and having to get her placed into a home

All family things, other than that I’ve been very lucky to have a great husband and kids and a wonderful life. But I can never get rid of these skeletons in my closet.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 10:34     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
^^ I'm in my mid-50s and had bad cold sores on my mouth from the age of about 4 til my 30's when they sort of subsided. No one ever rejected or mocked me. Ever. And I lived in large urban areas, London, New York etc. I suspect if you lived in a tiny hick town, this might happen? Who knows but a lot of it has to be in the imagination of the cold sore sufferer, I suspect.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 00:14     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this topic lately. Honestly, public shaming for having oral herpes (cold sores) has been the ongoing trauma in my life. I have been kicked out of friend groups, scolded by family members at holidays, rejected by people I cared about, shunned at jobs, lost out on opportunities and even shunned by my former faith community.

I have had recurring cold sores most of my life and was not able to take medication due to kidney issues. Recently the frequency and severity has subsided and reflecting back I now see how much this issue has impacted my life. For so long I stuffed away the hurt of each event and I didn't make the connection.
.

A girl I went to high school with experienced this and people probably don’t understand how horrible people are about it. She was attractive and had a well to do family but was treated like a leper whether she had the sores or not.



I believe a herpes vaccine is on the horizon. But even after a vaccine, I doubt I will ever feel comfortable around the people who said and did unkind things to me because of oral herpes. The virus gave people justification to shame me and they seized every opportunity with delight.


That is horrible. Almost everybody has it. My 3 month old nephew had a huge outbreak.


This. Even many people who never get cold sores have it. My husband has it but has never gotten a cold sore in his life. Who knows why.

I've gotten cold sores since I was a child and they are basically just a sign of high stress for me. So being treated badly for having one is usually just adding insult to injury because I'm likely already going through something very hard. Like I'll get one when a family member dies, and then I have to deal with being treated like a leper by parents at my kids school if they see me with it. Just freaking fantastic.


Agreed. It's so common that it makes me question the validity of the person's story about being treated poorly.


What a sh@tty comment. I’m the person who knew someone in high school who was completely rejected because of them. She didn’t get just one small sore. Kids avoided her all the time out of ignorance. You have no clue how bad they can be and kids are ignorant.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2023 12:25     Subject: What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:I was struck by a car when I was 8. Broke my pelvis, both legs, both ankles, fractured my skull, all facial bones, had a subdural hematoma and subsequent brain surgeries (twice) as well as multiple surgeries on my legs. I missed 3rd grade and was in the hospital from October until March learning how to do everything again.

I'm 51 and I think about it a dozen times a day because the physical problems still persist.

I've never really addressed the emotional part of being shattered.


Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry for your trauma.
My mother was hit by a car at age 6. She did not speak of it much. We have struggled to understand some of her choices and how her life careened out of control.
I realize from your post that this trauma must have played a more significant role in her life than even she realized. And I am sad for her. TY.
Anonymous
Post 08/24/2023 11:31     Subject: Re:What is the defining trauma of your life?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My family moved across the country (pre internet/pre tech) when I was a pre teen and I lost contact with all of my friends.


are you serious? that's it?


NP here.
You know what? My kid is really struggling with a move we made last summer. Her friends have moved on without her, she hasn’t found her feet where we live now, her confidence has plummeted. It is hard to see her so down, and to see what a shift it has been from her former self.
She in fact has gone through a bigger trauma—losing her dad as a toddler—but this isn’t a contest and I do see our move as a defining and traumatic event for her.
Who are you to judge?


New poster here. Just want to add that moving 3 years ago has caused significant trauma for my teen. It was two years before she made a friend, and she now has social anxiety that. We are going to start medicating for. It’s been hell. As her mom I’ve cried over her trauma.
I also have a younger child who has totally thrived with this move and has never been happier.
My point it please don’t judge other people’s trauma. Also, it’s not a contest.