Anonymous wrote:It’s obviously their money to do what they want with but it was a bad idea and natural to find it strange and awkward.

Certainly

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an “inheritance” if the parents are still alive.

I have spent different amounts on my adult kids at various times according to what was needed at the time. They went to very different types of colleges, so tuitions were different, as were their living expenses. We contributed different amounts for wedding expenses because there was almost 10 years between weddings, so inflation had occurred.

In my family of origin, my youngest sibling had a car at college, no college loans, and lots of extra expenses paid by my parents while I did not have a car, had loans, and I worked during the school year to pay my extra expenses. Why the difference? Well, partially because my parents no longer had kids at home so they didn’t really need the extra car anymore and partly because their financial circumstances had improved by that time. I didn’t expect them to cough up an equivalent amount of money for me- I was working and married and taking care of myself by then and understood that they could spend their money any way that they pleased. It never would have occurred to me to think that I was entitled to more because they now had more.

I grew up hearing “Life is not fair” from people around me. Are kids growing up hearing “Life is fair, and when it’s not, make sure you demand fairness” today?

Of course life is not fair, but the question is not is life fair. It’s as adult children do your parents treat you and your sibling fairly when your circumstances are similar? You are answering the question you want to answer, not the question OP is posing. The situation in college you describe doesn’t sound like unfair parenting. Honestly, it sounds like your parents were trying to put a bunch of kids through college and get by. My mother is the oldest of six and the difference between her childhood and her youngest sibling’s childhood is very different. Something like what you or my mom experienced is not what the OP is talking about. Imagine yourself in your 40s with two kids and your closest in age sibling, also with two kids, and your parents say “we’re very comfortable now and we’re going to give your sister $1 million so she can be more comfortable too.” That’s the scenario. The scenario is not “we’re going to give your sister our old Pontiac so she can more easily go back and forth between UW-Madison and DC.”

+1 Maybe it's the OP's fault, but so many posters are making up stuff to fit in the gaps in the OP to suit their own scenarios. We can't always be 100% equitable in our gifting, but we try to be so in the bigger things like wedding gifts, down payment help, graduation gifts, etc. I can see it's going to get harder when there are grandchildren involved because it will be hard not to spoil them. But as a parent, it's not my role to treat my kids unfairly to teach them that "life isn't always fair."

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an “inheritance” if the parents are still alive.

I have spent different amounts on my adult kids at various times according to what was needed at the time. They went to very different types of colleges, so tuitions were different, as were their living expenses. We contributed different amounts for wedding expenses because there was almost 10 years between weddings, so inflation had occurred.

In my family of origin, my youngest sibling had a car at college, no college loans, and lots of extra expenses paid by my parents while I did not have a car, had loans, and I worked during the school year to pay my extra expenses. Why the difference? Well, partially because my parents no longer had kids at home so they didn’t really need the extra car anymore and partly because their financial circumstances had improved by that time. I didn’t expect them to cough up an equivalent amount of money for me- I was working and married and taking care of myself by then and understood that they could spend their money any way that they pleased. It never would have occurred to me to think that I was entitled to more because they now had more.

I grew up hearing “Life is not fair” from people around me. Are kids growing up hearing “Life is fair, and when it’s not, make sure you demand fairness” today?

+1

Life certainly is not fair. Parents provide (or should) for each kid as the situation calls for. I'm financially successful, my one sibling is not and has struggled their entire life mostly due to their own stupid choices (in spouse, in overspending, trying to keep up with the joneses, etc). My parents do not have much but have always attempted to help the sibling as much as they could. I don't get that help because I do not need it. In fact, I am the one who helps my parents when they need things, both financially and with my time. I don't care if my parents help the sibling, it's their choice.
I also want my parents to spend their entire savings/estate while alive if they can---I want them to enjoy life and would never want them to think they need to leave anything for me and my family----we don't need it and even if we "did" I wouldn't care if they did not leave it for me.

I'd be embarrassed if my kids were keeping track of what we spend on each. While we attempt to be as fair as possible, sometime one gets something "better". One kid graduated college and got a 9 yo vehicle, as that had been their car since they were driving age and it was not new when they were 16. 2nd kid also drove that car for 2 years while oldest was at college. Once oldest got that car to go to college, 2nd kid got a car, a new car because it made the most sense (it was the pandemic, used cars cost almost as much as new, if you could even find one so we bought new). 2nd kid will get a 5 yo car when they graduate---same type but obviously a "newer car". I don't really hear any complaints from the first kid....they are just very appreciative that they do not have a car loan and their insurance is slightly lower because they drive an older car. Their car is in great shape, less than 80K on it and should last another 4-5 years easily. I'd be embarrassed if I heard my kids being upset that one got a brand new car and the other got an older one. Thankfully that isn't the case.

Yes, that is not $1M. And we as parents would never give that much disparity. But fact is life is not fair and I cannot imagine spending my life being jealous of a sibling or upset about those things. In the original situation, it's likely religion based and the other sibling has known for years they could "get more from mommy and daddy" if they just followed the religion more religiously---so it's their choice. I don't agree with parents doing that but fact is it is the parents money. And this is likely not the first time there has been issues related to this

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an “inheritance” if the parents are still alive.

I have spent different amounts on my adult kids at various times according to what was needed at the time. They went to very different types of colleges, so tuitions were different, as were their living expenses. We contributed different amounts for wedding expenses because there was almost 10 years between weddings, so inflation had occurred.

In my family of origin, my youngest sibling had a car at college, no college loans, and lots of extra expenses paid by my parents while I did not have a car, had loans, and I worked during the school year to pay my extra expenses. Why the difference? Well, partially because my parents no longer had kids at home so they didn’t really need the extra car anymore and partly because their financial circumstances had improved by that time. I didn’t expect them to cough up an equivalent amount of money for me- I was working and married and taking care of myself by then and understood that they could spend their money any way that they pleased. It never would have occurred to me to think that I was entitled to more because they now had more.

I grew up hearing “Life is not fair” from people around me. Are kids growing up hearing “Life is fair, and when it’s not, make sure you demand fairness” today?

Of course life is not fair, but the question is not is life fair. It’s as adult children do your parents treat you and your sibling fairly when your circumstances are similar? You are answering the question you want to answer, not the question OP is posing. The situation in college you describe doesn’t sound like unfair parenting. Honestly, it sounds like your parents were trying to put a bunch of kids through college and get by. My mother is the oldest of six and the difference between her childhood and her youngest sibling’s childhood is very different. Something like what you or my mom experienced is not what the OP is talking about. Imagine yourself in your 40s with two kids and your closest in age sibling, also with two kids, and your parents say “we’re very comfortable now and we’re going to give your sister $1 million so she can be more comfortable too.” That’s the scenario. The scenario is not “we’re going to give your sister our old Pontiac so she can more easily go back and forth between UW-Madison and DC.”

Did they hand her a check for $1 million, or did they help her to buy a house worth $1 million so she could live near where she works at a job that they see as helping others? These are very different scenarios. And have they never done anything at all to help you in your adult life?

Also, if you are the OP, would you mind identifying yourself as such when you are posting? It gets confusing when some posts sound like they are possibly the OP posting but it’s not clear whether or not it actually is the OP. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an “inheritance” if the parents are still alive.

I have spent different amounts on my adult kids at various times according to what was needed at the time. They went to very different types of colleges, so tuitions were different, as were their living expenses. We contributed different amounts for wedding expenses because there was almost 10 years between weddings, so inflation had occurred.

In my family of origin, my youngest sibling had a car at college, no college loans, and lots of extra expenses paid by my parents while I did not have a car, had loans, and I worked during the school year to pay my extra expenses. Why the difference? Well, partially because my parents no longer had kids at home so they didn’t really need the extra car anymore and partly because their financial circumstances had improved by that time. I didn’t expect them to cough up an equivalent amount of money for me- I was working and married and taking care of myself by then and understood that they could spend their money any way that they pleased. It never would have occurred to me to think that I was entitled to more because they now had more.

I grew up hearing “Life is not fair” from people around me. Are kids growing up hearing “Life is fair, and when it’s not, make sure you demand fairness” today?

Of course life is not fair, but the question is not is life fair. It’s as adult children do your parents treat you and your sibling fairly when your circumstances are similar? You are answering the question you want to answer, not the question OP is posing. The situation in college you describe doesn’t sound like unfair parenting. Honestly, it sounds like your parents were trying to put a bunch of kids through college and get by. My mother is the oldest of six and the difference between her childhood and her youngest sibling’s childhood is very different. Something like what you or my mom experienced is not what the OP is talking about. Imagine yourself in your 40s with two kids and your closest in age sibling, also with two kids, and your parents say “we’re very comfortable now and we’re going to give your sister $1 million so she can be more comfortable too.” That’s the scenario. The scenario is not “we’re going to give your sister our old Pontiac so she can more easily go back and forth between UW-Madison and DC.”

TBH though if I were your parents I would have offered to pay off your loans if I was paying the same or more than I paid for your sibling to go to college.

Anonymous wrote:It’s not an “inheritance” if the parents are still alive.

I have spent different amounts on my adult kids at various times according to what was needed at the time. They went to very different types of colleges, so tuitions were different, as were their living expenses. We contributed different amounts for wedding expenses because there was almost 10 years between weddings, so inflation had occurred.

In my family of origin, my youngest sibling had a car at college, no college loans, and lots of extra expenses paid by my parents while I did not have a car, had loans, and I worked during the school year to pay my extra expenses. Why the difference? Well, partially because my parents no longer had kids at home so they didn’t really need the extra car anymore and partly because their financial circumstances had improved by that time. I didn’t expect them to cough up an equivalent amount of money for me- I was working and married and taking care of myself by then and understood that they could spend their money any way that they pleased. It never would have occurred to me to think that I was entitled to more because they now had more.

I grew up hearing “Life is not fair” from people around me. Are kids growing up hearing “Life is fair, and when it’s not, make sure you demand fairness” today?

Of course life is not fair, but the question is not is life fair. It’s as adult children do your parents treat you and your sibling fairly when your circumstances are similar? You are answering the question you want to answer, not the question OP is posing. The situation in college you describe doesn’t sound like unfair parenting. Honestly, it sounds like your parents were trying to put a bunch of kids through college and get by. My mother is the oldest of six and the difference between her childhood and her youngest sibling’s childhood is very different. Something like what you or my mom experienced is not what the OP is talking about. Imagine yourself in your 40s with two kids and your closest in age sibling, also with two kids, and your parents say “we’re very comfortable now and we’re going to give your sister $1 million so she can be more comfortable too.” That’s the scenario. The scenario is not “we’re going to give your sister our old Pontiac so she can more easily go back and forth between UW-Madison and DC.”

It’s not an “inheritance” if the parents are still alive.

I have spent different amounts on my adult kids at various times according to what was needed at the time. They went to very different types of colleges, so tuitions were different, as were their living expenses. We contributed different amounts for wedding expenses because there was almost 10 years between weddings, so inflation had occurred.

In my family of origin, my youngest sibling had a car at college, no college loans, and lots of extra expenses paid by my parents while I did not have a car, had loans, and I worked during the school year to pay my extra expenses. Why the difference? Well, partially because my parents no longer had kids at home so they didn’t really need the extra car anymore and partly because their financial circumstances had improved by that time. I didn’t expect them to cough up an equivalent amount of money for me- I was working and married and taking care of myself by then and understood that they could spend their money any way that they pleased. It never would have occurred to me to think that I was entitled to more because they now had more.

I grew up hearing “Life is not fair” from people around me. Are kids growing up hearing “Life is fair, and when it’s not, make sure you demand fairness” today?

As a parent of successful adult children, I say MYOB and stop counting your parent’s money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has taught me that I'm a total weirdo because I fully do not care what my siblings have received from my parents versus what I have received. Or maybe I've just had a really fortunate/lucky life. $1M is a life changing amount, but I've never even considered that I'd get such a windfall. I'll be lucky if I'm not helping financially support my parents in their oldest ages

Yep, you are weird.

How would you feel if your parent verbally told you they preferred your sibling?

It is different. I do not need my parents money. They love each of us in different ways because we are different people.

Talk is cheap. You’ll be singing a different tune if one of your siblings gets a million dollars from your parents and you don’t.

Some posters are way too preachy about the "it's the parents' estate" bit.

I have to assume that they are either:
1) very, very well-off such that $1 Million is a pittance to them
2) the parents, in a scenario that decided to favor one child
3) the favored child
4) completely disingenuous

Sure, some parents will do this and maybe they have what they think are good reasons. Then please don't hide it from your kids while you are alive. Finding this kind of thing out in a will is very hurtful because it's a final message that the parent sends to their children from the grave. And it's natural to feel wounded if the last words from your beloved parents are wounding ones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has taught me that I'm a total weirdo because I fully do not care what my siblings have received from my parents versus what I have received. Or maybe I've just had a really fortunate/lucky life. $1M is a life changing amount, but I've never even considered that I'd get such a windfall. I'll be lucky if I'm not helping financially support my parents in their oldest ages

Yep, you are weird.

How would you feel if your parent verbally told you they preferred your sibling?

It is different. I do not need my parents money. They love each of us in different ways because we are different people.

Talk is cheap. You’ll be singing a different tune if one of your siblings gets a million dollars from your parents and you don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children are not in the same category of beneficiaries as charities.

Giving to charity is not at all related to treating children with reasonable equality.

And to answer a prior posters question, of course the sibling that didn't get 5k doesn't ASK her parent to equalize the gift. The parent in a functional dynamic voluntarily gives kids equal amounts.

Ok I get it. If the money is given to a charity, you wouldn’t have a problem. But if your sibling is the beneficiary, you don’t agree with. Hate or jealousy towards your sibling is what this looks like.

I really hope you aren’t a parent. Did you pay for one kid’s private HS and college and force the other kid to take out loans for college and then when that kid felt bad did you ask them why they hated their sibling?

It’s called equality. Look it up. It’s bizarre to assume someone hates their sibling if they feel hurt by their sibling getting $1M. The parents are creating dysfunction in the family by giving one of their children a lot more than another child. Donating to an animal rescue or cancer foundation would not privilege either child. Do you understand how this works? I feel like I’m communicating with chat GPT. Are you a robot?

I had a friend in college who did ROTC for college tuition. Then of course she owed the military 4 years. Her parents told her younger sister they would pay her way, she didn't need to follow that path. Same expensive private college. Who wouldn't feel resentful?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for all of my brother’s law school and a couple years later I got a full scholarship for my grad school, they didn’t ever give me a similar amount because I didn’t need it. This has never caused any problems between us, we both have more than we need.

Because that is what nice normal people do. They don't keep track of "who got what" in their family.

This is such BS

So while alive, if you parents give a sibling $5K for their kids activities or for college or to help with a trip, do you actually go to your parents and ask for your $5k? Genuinely interested in how that works. If college cost more for your brother, did you ask for the difference from your parents when you graduated?

The OP didn't start a thread about her parents giving her sibling $5K to pay for her kids' summer camp, so I really don't see the point of your example.

The OP is speaking about their sibling getting $1M and your response to the OP is "no one cares about this! no one keeps track!" and then when I call BS on your response you back track and provide a ridiculous example. You're back tracking because of course people keep track of their parents' giving their sibling a million dollars. Of course people keep track of the fact that their parents are paying for their siblings' kids to go to private school and not their kids or that their parents' are buying their sibling a house and not them.

I do not keep track of it. I have my own money and don't need theirs. They can spend their money as they see fit just like I spend mine as I see fit.
Do you also keep track of your parents giving money to other people, to charity? Or are you only mad when they give it to your siblings.

Why did you keep trying to derail the conversation with asinine questions. No one has brought up how much their parents give to charity or tracking whether their parents give $5K to a sibling. We are speaking about life changing sums of money. It’s like you enjoy being deliberately obtuse.,

I think when you're talking about a massive differential, it is human to feel resentful. But if you're very financially comfortable yourselves, of course get over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has taught me that I'm a total weirdo because I fully do not care what my siblings have received from my parents versus what I have received. Or maybe I've just had a really fortunate/lucky life. $1M is a life changing amount, but I've never even considered that I'd get such a windfall. I'll be lucky if I'm not helping financially support my parents in their oldest ages

Yep, you are weird.

How would you feel if your parent verbally told you they preferred your sibling?

It is different. I do not need my parents money. They love each of us in different ways because we are different people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children are not in the same category of beneficiaries as charities.

Giving to charity is not at all related to treating children with reasonable equality.

And to answer a prior posters question, of course the sibling that didn't get 5k doesn't ASK her parent to equalize the gift. The parent in a functional dynamic voluntarily gives kids equal amounts.

Ok I get it. If the money is given to a charity, you wouldn’t have a problem. But if your sibling is the beneficiary, you don’t agree with. Hate or jealousy towards your sibling is what this looks like.

I really hope you aren’t a parent. Did you pay for one kid’s private HS and college and force the other kid to take out loans for college and then when that kid felt bad did you ask them why they hated their sibling?

It’s called equality. Look it up. It’s bizarre to assume someone hates their sibling if they feel hurt by their sibling getting $1M. The parents are creating dysfunction in the family by giving one of their children a lot more than another child. Donating to an animal rescue or cancer foundation would not privilege either child. Do you understand how this works? I feel like I’m communicating with chat GPT. Are you a robot?

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has taught me that I'm a total weirdo because I fully do not care what my siblings have received from my parents versus what I have received. Or maybe I've just had a really fortunate/lucky life. $1M is a life changing amount, but I've never even considered that I'd get such a windfall. I'll be lucky if I'm not helping financially support my parents in their oldest ages

Yep, you are weird.

How would you feel if your parent verbally told you they preferred your sibling?