Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and was plunged into poverty immediately upon separation. Didn’t get retirement, didn’t get alimony, nothing. Don’t be me. Nothing is guaranteed.

Why not retirement?

Are you stupid ? They weren’t married long enough but even if they were, it’s very easy to get a lump sum for 401k and waste it during divorce

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I seen more than a few married and divorced men in my practice. They can often know intellectually their wives have a difficult job as a sahm, they love them, they love their kids, they know their spouses are good mothers. They feel proud, too, of themselves, that they can provide.

But they can also simultaneously resent the burden of being the sole breadwinner. Almost all have a keen sense of what they believe are their wives imitations at home, what she doesn't do well. They keep tabs on it, in their mind. When they are frustrated they are prone to honing in on those things. If a child acts out, or has behavioral issues, since you are with them more, expect him to think you are part of the issue. Unconsciously or consciously, he may see most aspects of raising the children as your job, especially at that income level. It can wear over time and many of them (again, there may be a selection bias at play) are conflicted. Appreciative but potentially pissy as well. Not exactly a clinical term but you know what I mean.

Anonymous wrote:This post has reinforced why I still work despite DH making $1m+ most years. To me, taking a less demanding but still professional job has been a good compromise as I still have some time for family. It is nice to have stayed off partner track at my firm and more or less coast for many years at 40 hours a week, most of which I work from home. I think I could ramp up, build a bigger client base and become partner in the course of a few years at any point. Really glad I never quit. It's allowed me to fund my own 401k, brokerage account and 529 accounts that I control. Sure, they're marital property, but I control them in the event of death or divorce, and to me, that is huge. I also have enough income to support myself if anything goes wrong. I definitely could not afford our current lifestyle, but downsizing to a cozier house and giving up some memberships wouldn't have a big impact on my quality of life. My advice to OP and others is to create a career that works for this life stage rather than abandon it entirely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A point that is missing from the discussion is that those of more modest means likely do not have the assets for a prolonged battle in family court. Wealthy men do, have often done quite a bit of pre-planning and hiding assets and many may be high powered attorneys themselves.

Working gives women a means of supporting themselves and their children if need be. What can seem like a lot of money and a "solid" marriage can all vanish quickly. You may be shocked and taken by surprise. A spouse that is "at the office" or travelling and away from the family much of hte time can become progressively disengaged, disenchanted and ripe for an affair and I had no idea.

Ime, to shift guilt from a workplace affair, I became an object of contempt/scorn and custody schedules and delaying tactics were used to break me down emotionally and financially so that I accepted far less in a settlement than I had ever imagined. Someone I had thought of as of good character and protective of our child with mild SN went scorched earth and did not provide funds to continue beneficial therapies, for example. I had not worked in several years, had an out of date network and was hard pressed to pay a comparable lawyer as every delaying tactic in the book was used.

I do think the gulf got greater as ex stopped seeing me as a peer, which I had been when we met. When a midlife crisis hit, I was just a drudge, not exciting and a go getter. Any foothold in the working world and the financial independence and networks that come with it help maintain certain balances. I never thought it could happen to me and my kids but assets can be hidden very easily and without a lot of money for forensic accountants, they cannot be recovered. Orders are often not enforced re: things like insurance beneficiaries. You can be left struggling to provide basics for your kids during your custody time which made my kids scared and angry at the disparity from their former life and their other home. It is increasingly difficult to get a foothold back in the working world in midlife.

Best to all in this situation.

That sounds terrible, and I hate that you went through it, especially to care for a kid with SNs. I am so sorry.

Anonymous wrote:This post has reinforced why I still work despite DH making $1m+ most years. To me, taking a less demanding but still professional job has been a good compromise as I still have some time for family. It is nice to have stayed off partner track at my firm and more or less coast for many years at 40 hours a week, most of which I work from home. I think I could ramp up, build a bigger client base and become partner in the course of a few years at any point. Really glad I never quit. It's allowed me to fund my own 401k, brokerage account and 529 accounts that I control. Sure, they're marital property, but I control them in the event of death or divorce, and to me, that is huge. I also have enough income to support myself if anything goes wrong. I definitely could not afford our current lifestyle, but downsizing to a cozier house and giving up some memberships wouldn't have a big impact on my quality of life. My advice to OP and others is to create a career that works for this life stage rather than abandon it entirely.

Anonymous wrote:This post has reinforced why I still work despite DH making $1m+ most years. To me, taking a less demanding but still professional job has been a good compromise as I still have some time for family. It is nice to have stayed off partner track at my firm and more or less coast for many years at 40 hours a week, most of which I work from home. I think I could ramp up, build a bigger client base and become partner in the course of a few years at any point. Really glad I never quit. It's allowed me to fund my own 401k, brokerage account and 529 accounts that I control. Sure, they're marital property, but I control them in the event of death or divorce, and to me, that is huge. I also have enough income to support myself if anything goes wrong. I definitely could not afford our current lifestyle, but downsizing to a cozier house and giving up some memberships wouldn't have a big impact on my quality of life. My advice to OP and others is to create a career that works for this life stage rather than abandon it entirely.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a therapist and I seen more than a few married and divorced men in my practice. They can often know intellectually their wives have a difficult job as a sahm, they love them, they love their kids, they know their spouses are good mothers. They feel proud, too, of themselves, that they can provide.

But they can also simultaneously resent the burden of being the sole breadwinner. Almost all have a keen sense of what they believe are their wives imitations at home, what she doesn't do well. They keep tabs on it, in their mind. When they are frustrated they are prone to honing in on those things. If a child acts out, or has behavioral issues, since you are with them more, expect him to think you are part of the issue. Unconsciously or consciously, he may see most aspects of raising the children as your job, especially at that income level. It can wear over time and many of them (again, there may be a selection bias at play) are conflicted. Appreciative but potentially pissy as well. Not exactly a clinical term but you know what I mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and was plunged into poverty immediately upon separation. Didn’t get retirement, didn’t get alimony, nothing. Don’t be me. Nothing is guaranteed.

Why not retirement?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

I personally think it’s pathetic that so many women on here are working out of fear and have bought the story that if not, their husband will resent them. Meanwhile they dealt with pregnancy and childbirth but aren’t resentful their husband didn’t share that burden. Then so many people on here are miserable and they can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine having an opinion of my marriage like PP and thinking my JOB really plays that big of a role in my marriage. And yes I work.

I am a PP and work because I want to AND because I understand intrinsically how a power imbalance can fester in a working man/SAHW dynamic.

I was married to a sole earner and moved to Europe to support his career (he had an opportunity there). We had a toddler, then had a baby there. When I was very early into my second pregnancy I learned that he was cheating. I have never felt more trapped, more powerless. I had no work visa, no real means of supporting myself or getting a career job. It was absolutely devastating.

I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I came back to the US and was on food stamps/cash assistance. I experienced firsthand the humiliation and intractable stress of poverty - with small kids, no less. My former spouse fully exploited his financial advantage from the day I left, including throughout the divorce process. I am not exaggerating when I say it almost killed me.

I was able to gain new skills and now am in a comfortable career. I am also remarried to a man who makes significantly more money than I do. I would never put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and dependent again. Unless a woman is independently wealthy or has parents who are (and are unequivocally willing to support her if things go south in a marriage) I would NEVER advise anyone to not work. There are just far too many variables in life and generally, he with the most money wins.

So you’re working out of fear. Best solution is to not have kids in case your husband cheats.

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM and was plunged into poverty immediately upon separation. Didn’t get retirement, didn’t get alimony, nothing. Don’t be me. Nothing is guaranteed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

I personally think it’s pathetic that so many women on here are working out of fear and have bought the story that if not, their husband will resent them. Meanwhile they dealt with pregnancy and childbirth but aren’t resentful their husband didn’t share that burden. Then so many people on here are miserable and they can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine having an opinion of my marriage like PP and thinking my JOB really plays that big of a role in my marriage. And yes I work.

I am a PP and work because I want to AND because I understand intrinsically how a power imbalance can fester in a working man/SAHW dynamic.

I was married to a sole earner and moved to Europe to support his career (he had an opportunity there). We had a toddler, then had a baby there. When I was very early into my second pregnancy I learned that he was cheating. I have never felt more trapped, more powerless. I had no work visa, no real means of supporting myself or getting a career job. It was absolutely devastating.

I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I came back to the US and was on food stamps/cash assistance. I experienced firsthand the humiliation and intractable stress of poverty - with small kids, no less. My former spouse fully exploited his financial advantage from the day I left, including throughout the divorce process. I am not exaggerating when I say it almost killed me.

I was able to gain new skills and now am in a comfortable career. I am also remarried to a man who makes significantly more money than I do. I would never put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and dependent again. Unless a woman is independently wealthy or has parents who are (and are unequivocally willing to support her if things go south in a marriage) I would NEVER advise anyone to not work. There are just far too many variables in life and generally, he with the most money wins.

So you’re working out of fear. Best solution is to not have kids in case your husband cheats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

I personally think it’s pathetic that so many women on here are working out of fear and have bought the story that if not, their husband will resent them. Meanwhile they dealt with pregnancy and childbirth but aren’t resentful their husband didn’t share that burden. Then so many people on here are miserable and they can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine having an opinion of my marriage like PP and thinking my JOB really plays that big of a role in my marriage. And yes I work.

I am a PP and work because I want to AND because I understand intrinsically how a power imbalance can fester in a working man/SAHW dynamic.

I was married to a sole earner and moved to Europe to support his career (he had an opportunity there). We had a toddler, then had a baby there. When I was very early into my second pregnancy I learned that he was cheating. I have never felt more trapped, more powerless. I had no work visa, no real means of supporting myself or getting a career job. It was absolutely devastating.

I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I came back to the US and was on food stamps/cash assistance. I experienced firsthand the humiliation and intractable stress of poverty - with small kids, no less. My former spouse fully exploited his financial advantage from the day I left, including throughout the divorce process. I am not exaggerating when I say it almost killed me.

I was able to gain new skills and now am in a comfortable career. I am also remarried to a man who makes significantly more money than I do. I would never put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and dependent again. Unless a woman is independently wealthy or has parents who are (and are unequivocally willing to support her if things go south in a marriage) I would NEVER advise anyone to not work. There are just far too many variables in life and generally, he with the most money wins.

So you’re working out of fear. Best solution is to not have kids in case your husband cheats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the entire thread...did anybody say anything about the potential power you sacrifice when you are financially dependent on your husband? And the tendency of some high earning men to begin to devalue their non earning wives? They may come to resent the pressure they perceive in being the sole provider, even if they chose it. You can become an easy target in the hard times . Even if consciously supporting it, they may lose respect for you. Not all, but some. You also may lose some respect for yourself. You don't have to match his exorbitant income. But working often offers a sense of its own empowerment that may make you accept less bs from him, if he is prone to that, you know what I mean? It gives you a different marriage dynamic, often more of a partnership. I think it gives you more power.. But you may feel you get that without working.

This sounds like you trying to justify your decision. If your spouse resents you, you need to get rid of that spouse. People will find a reason to resent you and blame you if that is their personality.

I personally think it’s pathetic that so many women on here are working out of fear and have bought the story that if not, their husband will resent them. Meanwhile they dealt with pregnancy and childbirth but aren’t resentful their husband didn’t share that burden. Then so many people on here are miserable and they can’t figure out why. I can’t imagine having an opinion of my marriage like PP and thinking my JOB really plays that big of a role in my marriage. And yes I work.

I am a PP and work because I want to AND because I understand intrinsically how a power imbalance can fester in a working man/SAHW dynamic.

I was married to a sole earner and moved to Europe to support his career (he had an opportunity there). We had a toddler, then had a baby there. When I was very early into my second pregnancy I learned that he was cheating. I have never felt more trapped, more powerless. I had no work visa, no real means of supporting myself or getting a career job. It was absolutely devastating.

I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I came back to the US and was on food stamps/cash assistance. I experienced firsthand the humiliation and intractable stress of poverty - with small kids, no less. My former spouse fully exploited his financial advantage from the day I left, including throughout the divorce process. I am not exaggerating when I say it almost killed me.

I was able to gain new skills and now am in a comfortable career. I am also remarried to a man who makes significantly more money than I do. I would never put myself in a position to be so vulnerable and dependent again. Unless a woman is independently wealthy or has parents who are (and are unequivocally willing to support her if things go south in a marriage) I would NEVER advise anyone to not work. There are just far too many variables in life and generally, he with the most money wins.