Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:52
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Reading this made me so glad I coslept with my babies. Whip a boob out and go right back to sleep. No pumping. No washing parts. No babies crying at night. It’s the norm in so many other countries, but we make American mothers miserable with safe sleep advice because doctors can’t come out and say that cosleeping is only for nursing mothers who don’t use substances and are generally healthy (e.g. no morbid obesity and sleep apnea). Look up the seven Ss of safe cosleeping and save your sanity.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:48
Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.
OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.
No, absolutely no. Just because he is back at work doesn't mean he gets to act like there is no baby. Life has changed. Parents do not sleep all night every night. Parents do not get to go to the gym every day when there is a newborn.
OP, you tried to say he is a good guy. He is not acting like one. He had a child with you and now wants to live his old life no matter the cost to you or your child. People in this thread are worried about him driving when they should be worried about you smothering the baby because you fell asleep while feeding him.
He is a parent. He needs to grow up and act like one. Sometimes parenting sucks. He needs to step up and deal with it.
Your response is crazy and overly dramatic. The DH is going to work to pay the bills. He likely can’t take any more time off. It makes zero sense for one parent to return to work and also be in charge of night feedings.
OP - learn to take naps during the day and go on stroller walks for exercise.
+1
Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:39
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
These new mothers are so soft. Who whines about this type of crap? My baby nursed wouldn't bottle feed and my husband didn't have breasts to feed the baby so guess who did? And guess what? I SURVIVED!! You chose to have a baby, this is what having a baby is for goodness' sakes. You're complaining like this baby will need nighttime feedings until he's 16.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:35
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Does he drive to the office?
On days he drives, I would say he doesn't get up overnight. Sleep deprivation is a major risk factor for traffic accidents and I prioritize safety and life over making sure everything is 50/50.
Otherwise as long as he is getting 6 ish hours of sleep so he can do his job, then he should be doing some night feedings.
If you aren't getting enough sleep to cope and he doesn't care, that is a bigger issue than trying to be sure both people get up x number of times a night to be sure everything is 50/50. The 50/50 things is really hard to maintain in life as contexts are different and it is better to have a collaborative approach than a ticking boxes about who does what for how many minutes. It sounds like he felt that 50/50 was fair when you were both off work but not fair when he is back at work.
Focus on what you should be mad at - that at a time when you are struggling, he isn't able to be supportive, brainstorm solutions, work with you as a team. Focusing on - well I got up 12 times and you only got up 9 isn't going to get you anywhere.
So OP should drive her newborn sleep deprived? I agree with you driving while sleep deprived is dangerous, but it’s not less dangerous for the person driving a newborn to the pediatrician.
Why would she be driving her newborn to the pediatrician repeatedly? Yes, if she has to drive somewhere, then her sleep becomes important to. Most people don't take their newborn out multiple times a week alone to the pediatrician.
Have you never had a newborn? They’re seen every couple of weeks. More so if there are feeding or any other issues. Mom may also need to leave the house for PT or other postpartum care. She’s the one with the infant in the car, she’s the one recovering from delivering the baby, and she’s the one who is at risk for PPD exacerbated by sleep deprivation. The safety first argument is all for moms sleep.
Get outta here. Take the baby to the doc every two weeks for how long?? Newborns don't stay newborns for long. After a few months the child won't even need through the night feeding. You sound ridiculous. She's home, she can nap when the baby naps so that she won't be sleep deprived for all these 5011 doc appointments you think they have. Smh.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:32
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Girl, get up and feed your daggone baby and let the man sleep. This is a no brainer. He has to get up to work, you don't. Through the night feedings don't last forever. Put your big girl panties and feed the baby. Geesh.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:10
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 23:01
Subject: Re:Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m with your husband. The rule in our house was that there needed to be one person getting uninterrupted sleep. Two adults with interrupted sleep was a disaster. Since I was nursing that meant that I was up with the baby. Spouse slept.
BUT…it was all hands on deck. Because I was up with the baby, that meant I needed to nap during the day. I wasn’t doing all the meals or laundry. Spouse would come home from work and take the baby so I get some alone time. No one complained about the house not looking perfect. Groceries were delivered or take out ordered.
This is how we did it too.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 22:59
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go to bed by 8pm. Your husband takes the 10pm feed, and you handle the middle of the night ones.
Others have said this is a short time and they are right, but there is a LOT of rigidity in both of your expectations for how things will go, and some things have to give.
One of those things is that your husband will go to sleep later than he wants. You'll go to sleep earlier than you want. He will likely work out less frequently for a while. Eventually it will all settle out, but these compromises are key to sustaining a healthy relationship with an infant.
+1 to all of this.
And OP, I'm going to give an opinion that you are not going to like, but here it is - start learning to trust your gut. You've got a pediatrician micro-managing you and a lactation consultant micro-managing you and you are trying to do everything they say and also live up to your husband's expectations that you breastfeed.
So, #1 - if it's really that important to your husband that you breastfeed he needs to step up and do a late night or early morning feed so you can rest.
#2 - grill your pediatrician on the weight gain. You can feed an otherwise healthy newborn on demand. Was your baby low birth weight? Lose a lot of weight in the hospital? If he's not gaining as quickly as your ped would like what is the ped basing that on? Because something is not adding up if you have sufficient supply, are pumping, and supplementing.
#3 - give yourself and your husband a break as much as you can. The newborn phase is HARD.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:52
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:49
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.
But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.
Let's be real op wouldn't be getting any rest even with a day nanny because she would still be finding things to do and micromanaging the nanny.
So if her husband isn't going to step up she's just going to have to tough it out until the baby is sleeping longer
Or have a nap.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:47
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.
But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.
Let's be real op wouldn't be getting any rest even with a day nanny because she would still be finding things to do and micromanaging the nanny.
So if her husband isn't going to step up she's just going to have to tough it out until the baby is sleeping longer
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:45
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.
But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.
Honestly I would feel weird about having someone else in my house at night too. Plus I think it's pathetic that the go-to solution when a man doesn't want to do his share is to outsource it to another woman so the status quo can remain.
There are male night nurses if it makes you feel better.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:44
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.
But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.
Honestly I would feel weird about having someone else in my house at night too. Plus I think it's pathetic that the go-to solution when a man doesn't want to do his share is to outsource it to another woman so the status quo can remain.
That makes no sense. If you are ok with a sitter watching your newborn while you sleep during the day, then you can get ok with a sitter at night too.
OP can’t make her husband do anything. It’s not fair but it’s true. She can initiate a divorce (with what time? She has a newborn!) or she can bring in some paid professional help, without his permission.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:41
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.
But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.
Honestly I would feel weird about having someone else in my house at night too. Plus I think it's pathetic that the go-to solution when a man doesn't want to do his share is to outsource it to another woman so the status quo can remain.
Anonymous
01/02/2023 21:36
Subject: Husband refuses to help with night feedings
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??
Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care
They both refuse outside help.
I think the best advice.is to be one and done
OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.
DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.
But op doesn't want a stranger in her house
She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.