This is why I am so glad we are Catholic and our entire family is raised in the faith. No one would bat an eye at this, and if they did have a problem with it it would be sinful to mention it

Your in-laws are horrid imo. You learned this this year. Don’t forget it.

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Anonymous wrote:Wtf? Are they going to make nasty comments to this man and his children all night too? Would also consider uninviting.

OP here,

honestly, this is part of my concern. My DH has already spoken to them and made it clear that it was a joint decision for us to invite the neighbors and that they are to be polite. They argued with him about how if they wanted to eat dinner "with a bunch of strangers", they would have gone to a restaurant.

They are not a bunch of strangers to you. You interact more with them than with your in-laws.

I still hold dear the memory of my grandmother's inviting an unknown family to Thanksgiving dinner. A tornado had leveled this family's house in the late summer, and they didn't have a place to enjoy a holiday dinner. My father raised questions about safety.

My grandmother didn't hesitate to tell him this family was welcome in her house. Period.

I wouldn't engage any other complaints from your ILs. The neighbors are valued and welcome in your home. An unequivocal response will help reduce the drama.

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Anonymous wrote:I think OP should serve soup for Christmas dinner. And ask MIL if she wants to pat down the neighbors before they leave so she can make sure they didn't steal anything.

Why would they steal?

I was being facetious. Seeing as how the in laws implied that inviting the neighbors over for Christmas dinner turns the OP's home into a "soup kitchen". A "soup kitchen", by definition, is a place where soup and bread are served to the homeless and destitute.

https://ofhsoupkitchen.org/what-soup-kitchen

What made inlaws guess they were poor? Hmmmm

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Anonymous wrote:I think OP should serve soup for Christmas dinner. And ask MIL if she wants to pat down the neighbors before they leave so she can make sure they didn't steal anything.

Why would they steal?

I was being facetious. Seeing as how the in laws implied that inviting the neighbors over for Christmas dinner turns the OP's home into a "soup kitchen". A "soup kitchen", by definition, is a place where soup and bread are served to the homeless and destitute.

https://ofhsoupkitchen.org/what-soup-kitchen

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should serve soup for Christmas dinner. And ask MIL if she wants to pat down the neighbors before they leave so she can make sure they didn't steal anything.

Why would they steal?

OP, I think it's so kind you've invited your neighbors to join your holiday celebration. If your inlaws can't also be kind guests, your husband is going to need to uninvite them.

My own mother has been difficult several times for holidays - wanting to exclude my MIL and others more than once and marched off to a hotel and spent the night alone rather than join us and our extended family when a college aged relative who she does not speak to was invited for Thanksgiving. This is not the spirit in which I want to raise my own children, and so what it has meant is that she is very seldom invited to holidays. Don't let your inlaws' unkindness ruin your celebration.

I think OP should serve soup for Christmas dinner. And ask MIL if she wants to pat down the neighbors before they leave so she can make sure they didn't steal anything.

Anonymous wrote:I am a 63 year old empty nester. My adult kids and grandkids live 1,400 miles away. If I heard that some children would be joining us for Christmas dinner, I would be absolutely thrilled. Children make the holidays magical. Christmas without any kids around is kind of dud, IMO.

I was thinking the same thing!

I am a 63 year old empty nester. My adult kids and grandkids live 1,400 miles away. If I heard that some children would be joining us for Christmas dinner, I would be absolutely thrilled. Children make the holidays magical. Christmas without any kids around is kind of dud, IMO.

Are your in-laws always this intolerant and rigid about things or do you generally get along?

and how old are they? It sounds like they are so set in their ways...

They are being ridiculous- as you can see from the responses, this is a nonissue- who cares if the neighbor is coming for Christmas dinner? The more the merrier!

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Anonymous wrote:Wtf? Are they going to make nasty comments to this man and his children all night too? Would also consider uninviting.

OP here,

honestly, this is part of my concern. My DH has already spoken to them and made it clear that it was a joint decision for us to invite the neighbors and that they are to be polite. They argued with him about how if they wanted to eat dinner "with a bunch of strangers", they would have gone to a restaurant.

NP. Not even reading the whole thread yet but was about to ask, wait, what does the ILs' SON, the DH, say here? Looks like he has your back and is a great guy, OP. Take a moment and focus on that! He was entirely right to be the one to address this -- he, not you, should be doing that.

You and he both are right to be concerned that his parents will snark and drop comments on this neighbor family. Have you discussed with your DH having him, DH, mention to his parents that the invitations will not change but if they are this uncomfortable they are welcome to forego Christmas dinner and join you on (your choice: the 26th, New Year's Eve, whatever)?

Kudos to you and your DH for being good neighbors and good people. And by the way, OP, if his parents are like this, you have a long road ahead of you. They sound like horrific snobs.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

OP never invited the in laws under any guise of a small and intimate family Christmas. That’s just flat out false. She told them she would like to host Christmas and that it will be 13 people. She is telling this all to them nearly a month in advance. You are painting a completely false picture here to suggest somehow OP is in the wrong planning the guest list for her own dinner! It’s absurd.

Here is what OP actually said, you don't get to make up your own facts:

"I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from"

Where did the in-laws get the idea "extra" people were coming? Clearly the number wasn't 13 before. OP invited the family then added the neighbors after.

That doesn't mean that OP pitched this as an "intimate, family only Christmas dinner." It means that before, the guest list was shorter and consisted of only family. There was no representation from the OP that they intended it to stay intimate and family-only.

And guess what? Even if OP did say "In-laws, please come to our intimate, family-only Christmas dinner" and then invited the neighbors, that would STILL be ok. The circumstances had changed: OP became aware that the neighbors had nowhere to go on Christmas and accommodated her plans accordingly. They're the hosts, and that's well within their rights to do so.

Maybe they have social anxiety, or are afraid of strangers, or are worried about germs from kids. Why brush all that off like its nothing?

The in laws threw a fit and said a lot of things, but none of it was about social anxiety or germs. Why make assumptions that aren’t in the post? The parents seem quite capable of expressing themselves to their daughter in law.

How do you know? They said a lot of things but all we know is 1) soup kitchens and 2) eating with strangers is like a restaurant. That's not a lot of things. Maybe OP left some details out?

There is no point to speculating about details we don't have access too. We only have the info we have. We could spend a lot of time coming up with crazy conspiracy theories, but what's the point?

That's pretty much why this site exists.

If the in laws cared about germs or had social anxiety, they had plenty of time to say that to OP’s husband when they were arguing with him. Those aren’t the reasons they gave for being upset. It makes no sense to ask why people are “brushing it off as nothing” when they never expressed those concerns in the first place.

OP didn’t give all the details just said a lot was said. A lot was left out apparently.

Christmas is about giving and fellowship, not just family. The OP made a generous, kind invite and the in-laws are being churls.

They will get over it or they won't, but it's up to them to how they behave and let a christmas-y gesture affect their holiday.

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Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

OP never invited the in laws under any guise of a small and intimate family Christmas. That’s just flat out false. She told them she would like to host Christmas and that it will be 13 people. She is telling this all to them nearly a month in advance. You are painting a completely false picture here to suggest somehow OP is in the wrong planning the guest list for her own dinner! It’s absurd.

Here is what OP actually said, you don't get to make up your own facts:

"I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from"

Where did the in-laws get the idea "extra" people were coming? Clearly the number wasn't 13 before. OP invited the family then added the neighbors after.

That doesn't mean that OP pitched this as an "intimate, family only Christmas dinner." It means that before, the guest list was shorter and consisted of only family. There was no representation from the OP that they intended it to stay intimate and family-only.

And guess what? Even if OP did say "In-laws, please come to our intimate, family-only Christmas dinner" and then invited the neighbors, that would STILL be ok. The circumstances had changed: OP became aware that the neighbors had nowhere to go on Christmas and accommodated her plans accordingly. They're the hosts, and that's well within their rights to do so.

Maybe they have social anxiety, or are afraid of strangers, or are worried about germs from kids. Why brush all that off like its nothing?

The in laws threw a fit and said a lot of things, but none of it was about social anxiety or germs. Why make assumptions that aren’t in the post? The parents seem quite capable of expressing themselves to their daughter in law.

How do you know? They said a lot of things but all we know is 1) soup kitchens and 2) eating with strangers is like a restaurant. That's not a lot of things. Maybe OP left some details out?

There is no point to speculating about details we don't have access too. We only have the info we have. We could spend a lot of time coming up with crazy conspiracy theories, but what's the point?

That's pretty much why this site exists.

If the in laws cared about germs or had social anxiety, they had plenty of time to say that to OP’s husband when they were arguing with him. Those aren’t the reasons they gave for being upset. It makes no sense to ask why people are “brushing it off as nothing” when they never expressed those concerns in the first place.