Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also sound just as manipulative as your parents. Someone says yes it's fine to tell your teenagers you divorced because of infidelity and you automatically tell them to stop making their kid their therapist. That is wack. You are reading every situation as your own. Get help.

I did not divorce due to infidelity. I did have a completely sexless marriage. My kids don't know anything about marital issues. I don't use my kids as a therapist.

Because your husband never found out

I’m the PP whose DH learned about his dad’s cheating the the middle school cafeteria and it continued to boggle my mind how many cheaters on this thread seem to believe their secrets will be kept by their entire social group. Kids are going to find out. They usually do. The only question is whether they find out from someone who cares about them or not.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.


I've never cheated. Not even in 10-year marriage without sex for 7 years. You are crazy to hurt kids like this. Get a divorce and be an adult. Children should not know anything about their parents sex lives. You can't spend the rest of your life together is an adequate reason.

If your spouse robbed a bank, and the police came to arrest him at home in front of the children, who caused the harm to the children? The police, or the spouse that decided to rob a bank? Would it be better if the police came when the kids were at school and you just told the kids that your spouse went away for awhile and told them they didn’t need to worry about adult issues?

The advice to not tell the children is out dated, unhealthy, and from the era of when there was domestic abuse people just mi fed their own business, when the neighbor showed up with a black eye, people talked about how she must have nagged him to drive him to hit her. Say things like, “well, you know how she can be.”

No. Just, no. No one is going to protect your secret if you cheat. Stop trying to blame others for hurting your kids. If having the knowledge that one spouse cheated on the other in and of itself is harmful to your kids, DONT CHEAT. It’s quite easy. Don’t engage in behaviors that would make your kids so ashamed of you or angry with you that it could harm your relationship with them for life.

The good news is that if you do cheat, it is possible to redeem yourself with your kids by simply demonstrating an awareness that you regret hurting them, you are aware that your behavior was not in line with your morals, and that you made a bad decision. But you love them and will continue to l
Prioritize them and be the best parent you can be. That’s literally all they want to hear. But you stupid cheaters can’t say those words. You can’t. You want to tell your kids that you cheated because your spouse wasn’t having sex with you, or because you fell out of love, or you just made a one time mistake, or whatever excuse you think In Your head is valid.

There is literally no excuse for cheating that can’t be torn apart by the response “then get a divorce first.” That’s why cheaters want their secret kept. Because they are incapable of acknowledging they made a mistake that hurt people, and they know their excuse is BS that wont even stand up to the critical thinking skills of a young child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

You obviously have a problem addressing your sexual issues in your marriage so I'm not surprised you keep your kids in the dark about sex too. Please deal with those and stop giving advice to people who have already gone through infidelity. Saying to a child who has gone through puberty and is actually is ready to date people in high school or leaving for college that your father and I divorced because he had affairs is not talking about sex. It's saying someone was noncommittal about monogamy. Also my kids and I talk about their own sexual lives. Not about sex details but about being respectful in dating, being careful about sex when you are ready, being friends first, don't make promises you can't keep or apologize if you have to break a promise. Other parents are more up front about sex than I am. So yeah, they can hear a sentence about why their dad and mom split up. You are the one making too big a deal about this

Except this isn’t the whole truth. Marriages are complex and generally have all sorts of problems. You chose to discuss infidelity, but skip past all the other problems that ate away at the marriage - spending, deadbed, lack of emotional connection, mental health problems. Kids can figure out that mom has her side and dad has his. Why would you bring them in the middle of it? Do you think they want to know about their father's sex life? No kid wants to hear about what’s going on in their parent's relationship. You’re really selfish to dump your issues on them. It’s certainly not for their benefit.

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

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Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

I am over it. But I had a crappy childhood and I don't really care about you, but your kids, or the kids in families like this. Because kids can't dump their parents for being pieces of crap until they turn 18. And when you mess people up in their formative years, sometimes they actually have more physiological reasons they can't move on.

So I give this message to try to help other kids, not because I'm hanging onto it. But because I correctly recall my experience, and correctly assess it as bad, and accurately view posters here talk about how they are perpetuating the same harms on other children.

You don't correctly recall anything. That part is clear. You wouldn't be on here if you did and you certainly wouldn't be projecting.

And this was the first post below. Obviously kids have different reactions to their parents divorce and what they said to them. This person thinks completely different than you. Which is why I am telling you that your reaction and your situation is yours alone. Stop projecting onto other people. Just give your thought that whatever you do you should not use your kids as a therapist. There done. You got your opinion out. You don't know the situation OP is in at all. So there is no perfect way to deal with this. You aren't her or him.

I am the kid in this situation and figured it out when I was 22. It's very hard to keep a secret lifelong if you'd tat with the AP. I would rather have been told, and not lied to when I asked directly. I feel like they lied to me to manipulate me into accepting his new wife, and to avoid dealing with my reaction. Very self-serving behavior that was not with my best interest at heart.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

I am over it. But I had a crappy childhood and I don't really care about you, but your kids, or the kids in families like this. Because kids can't dump their parents for being pieces of crap until they turn 18. And when you mess people up in their formative years, sometimes they actually have more physiological reasons they can't move on.

So I give this message to try to help other kids, not because I'm hanging onto it. But because I correctly recall my experience, and correctly assess it as bad, and accurately view posters here talk about how they are perpetuating the same harms on other children.

Oh and I haven't posted since this last thing you responded to, so I believe there are THREE of us, none of whom are cheaters, but all who have experience with divorce and subsequent dysfunction, telling you you're being awful.

You are a messed up adult. Stop giving advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

I am over it. But I had a crappy childhood and I don't really care about you, but your kids, or the kids in families like this. Because kids can't dump their parents for being pieces of crap until they turn 18. And when you mess people up in their formative years, sometimes they actually have more physiological reasons they can't move on.

So I give this message to try to help other kids, not because I'm hanging onto it. But because I correctly recall my experience, and correctly assess it as bad, and accurately view posters here talk about how they are perpetuating the same harms on other children.

You don't correctly recall anything. That part is clear. You wouldn't be on here if you did and you certainly wouldn't be projecting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

I am over it. But I had a crappy childhood and I don't really care about you, but your kids, or the kids in families like this. Because kids can't dump their parents for being pieces of crap until they turn 18. And when you mess people up in their formative years, sometimes they actually have more physiological reasons they can't move on.

So I give this message to try to help other kids, not because I'm hanging onto it. But because I correctly recall my experience, and correctly assess it as bad, and accurately view posters here talk about how they are perpetuating the same harms on other children.

Oh and I haven't posted since this last thing you responded to, so I believe there are THREE of us, none of whom are cheaters, but all who have experience with divorce and subsequent dysfunction, telling you you're being awful.

Anonymous wrote:You also sound just as manipulative as your parents. Someone says yes it's fine to tell your teenagers you divorced because of infidelity and you automatically tell them to stop making their kid their therapist. That is wack. You are reading every situation as your own. Get help.

I did not divorce due to infidelity. I did have a completely sexless marriage. My kids don't know anything about marital issues. I don't use my kids as a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

100% agree with you! Kids should not know about parents marital issues whether than is cheating, sexlessness anything. Should be off limits. I am a woman but I feel like only women would say to tell your kids...it is an abhorrent thing to do. Men seem to be more logical than most women (even though I am a woman). Kids should not know about their parents sex lives ever...including cheating and sexlessness.

Well the two of you (if in fact you are both actually two different people) can live your sexless married lives in the privacy of your own homes. Why are you on this page exactly? To tell OP to never tell her kids? Ok, she's gotten that viewpoint from you already. So glad you have time from not having sex to be on here.

I am divorced. I did not tell my kids all of the many reasons, including the sexlessness. Yes, I am on here to tell her never to tell her kids because that is far worse than just a divorce. No good can come of it. And I have plenty of sex divorced, thanks. Again, my kids will never know that. What happens in the bedroom is not kids' business.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

I am over it. But I had a crappy childhood and I don't really care about you, but your kids, or the kids in families like this. Because kids can't dump their parents for being pieces of crap until they turn 18. And when you mess people up in their formative years, sometimes they actually have more physiological reasons they can't move on.

So I give this message to try to help other kids, not because I'm hanging onto it. But because I correctly recall my experience, and correctly assess it as bad, and accurately view posters here talk about how they are perpetuating the same harms on other children.

You also sound just as manipulative as your parents. Someone says yes it's fine to tell your teenagers you divorced because of infidelity and you automatically tell them to stop making their kid their therapist. That is wack. You are reading every situation as your own. Get help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

I've never cheated. Not even in 10-year marriage without sex for 7 years. You are crazy to hurt kids like this. Get a divorce and be an adult. Children should not know anything about their parents sex lives. You can't spend the rest of your life together is an adequate reason.

Maybe your problem is that you should get a divorce. Your marriage sounds unhappy. Why are you giving advice? I am divorced. My kids know why. They get along with both parents.

I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

You dad made you his therapist. Are you even reading the comments? Your dad obviously did way more than just admit your mom committed infidelity. Stop projecting. Are you here to help OP or not? You seem to have issues from your childhood that you can't get over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are two questions here. The first one, do you proactively tell your children that a parent cheated? The answer to that, to me, is no.

Your kids should not be in the middle of their parents fights. And they shouldn't feel responsible for picking a side. And the moment one parent decides to put the burden of that knowledge on them, they will feel that. Just like your kids might know you're not wealthy but shouldn't know how much is in your bank account and when the electricity bill is due, they can know that the marriage is struggling but don't need to know the details if both parents expect to play active present roles in their kids lives.

When a marriage ends because...the two people just fell out of love or something more ambiguous and harder to grasp you don't give your kids your marriage counseling notes. They just don't need to know that.

That said, the second question, 'should I tell my kid's that I/their parent had and affair when they ask me directly?' I think the answer to that is to be honest in a way that doesn't make the child feel like they should cut off the other partner. If they have figured it out, then lying to them is in fact gaslighting. But again, the primary goal should be avoiding inserting the child into the fight as a player vs spectator.

And perhaps a third question is, 'if my spouse had an affair and just bounced out of our lives, should I be honest with my kid?' And in that case, where one parent either abandoned the kid or truly put them on the 'first family' back burner, you should be honest with them about what happened and validate their feelings and not push them to try have a relationship with an absent crappy parent where they end up continually crushed with disappointment.

You aren’t god. Stop acting like there is one way. I happen to disagree and think the truth is best always but without the vindictiveness. Every time in my life when someone has withheld information that would have been helpful has just made me more confused. And if it’s cheating than quite easily the kid feels odd the hook. People think differently about these things.

I'm not a god, certainly. But one thing that is shown time and time again when evaluating outcomes with children of divorce and whether they maintain positive relationships with their parents is whether the parents put the kid in the middle of the conflict. Think what you want but inserting the child into the conflict is NOT good for the child. That doesn't mean lying if the kid asks directly when they are older, but it means not pushing the responsibility to act on that information to the kid.

Telling your child that you left your husband because he was regularly cheating on you and you felt used, betrayed, and unsafe with people you didn't know in the house is not putting your child in the middle. Nor is it explicit. Saying to your child he was having sex with her in our bedroom and using my clothes and my sheets and then coming home and lying to me and having sex with me and now I have a disease and found all their gross sex toys is explicit. Saying to your child daddy cheated and is moving in with his affair partner because he was so unhappy having to do all the childcare and housework even though he told me he loved me is putting your child in the middle.

Yes, it is putting your child in the middle. That is 100% wrong. And worse than cheating. I don't know what planet you live on that you think kids should have these details. They should not. You're crazy.

No you are. You are the cheater. Stop cheating. I live on planet earth. Stop hurting people on it.

Should a parent also tell their child all the all person details of marital problems? Mom stopped having sex with me after she had you. Details about parents’ sex lives should be off limits for kids.

100% agree with you! Kids should not know about parents marital issues whether than is cheating, sexlessness anything. Should be off limits. I am a woman but I feel like only women would say to tell your kids...it is an abhorrent thing to do. Men seem to be more logical than most women (even though I am a woman). Kids should not know about their parents sex lives ever...including cheating and sexlessness.

Well the two of you (if in fact you are both actually two different people) can live your sexless married lives in the privacy of your own homes. Why are you on this page exactly? To tell OP to never tell her kids? Ok, she's gotten that viewpoint from you already. So glad you have time from not having sex to be on here.