Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I left the house this morning to take preschooler to school. Typically, I am home during the day but today I was out all day and he knew this. He said he was tired from working from home and taking care of the twins all day and he assumed I was back. Even if I had not been out all day, I am never home at that time because I am always at school at that time doing pick up. I am still probably too emotional to talk to him rationally at this point so I proposed discussing it tomorrow.

Sadly, I do not have a time machine to go back and divorce him after the bathtub incident. At the time, everyone said I was overreacting, everyone makes mistakes.

In your gut, what do you think is really going on? Is he a flake? Is he self-absorbed and struggles to think of others? Does he have ADHD?
What’s his response—remorse? defensive? Share how he reacted.

Yes, this. The context matters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. this is not the first time. When eldest was six months old he left the then infant alone in the baby bathtub because I had just been in the bathroom and he thought I was paying attention to what he was doing. I wasn't. I walked in to find baby fully submerged. Grabbed her and spent the next 24 hours watching her every move to make sure she was okay. She was fine but I almost left him then.

So this was what, at least 3 years ago? 3/4 years ago? I would be upset about this incident as well, and it sounds like maybe your husband is a little scattered, but if you loved your husband, you would be thinking about ways to help him succeed, not how to divorce him.

I am a little like your husband, I can get distracted and my mind wanders. So I have a lot of habits in place to try to prevent situations where absentmindedness could be deadly. My husband knows that I'm always working on this, but I have some adult ADD and it is a weakness. When not done in malice he would never unleash on me the way you are talking about. This type of dynamic does not result in loving parents raising children, it results in militant mom taking over parenting and belittling dad. Which feels justified perhaps to you, but will not be good for your children in the long run. Get some ironclad systems/routines/rules in place to avoid things like this, and come to your marriage from a place of compassion instead of rage.

Unbelievable. You're a scatterbrained idiot so it's everyone else's fault when you do something scatterbrained even if it could have serious negative consequences for someone else.

OP, your husband isn't the victim here. The kids are. I'd be as angry as you are. I doubt I'd divorce over these two incidents. I would take some time to cool off after reading him the riot act and work on some basic safety rules to make sure one parent is always with the kids.

Yea, I’m so tired of the ADHD as an excuse thing. I get it’s a problem, but from my observations, they tend to expect everyone else to figure out systems and routines for them. My H was like this, he wanted me to write out everything for him, but I don’t want to spend my own bandwidth figuring his stuff out.

I’m not ADHD and even I have systems and routines for safety. I point at everything and say it out loud to make sure I have it all (“kid 1. Kid 2. Keys. Phone.”) I check the backseat of my car every time I leave, even if I don’t have the kids with me. I check on both kids and check with my H every time I leave the house. It’s not that hard to figure these things out.

What I think is FAR more likely is everyone is just distracted by their screens, so they’re scattebrained and more like an addict, only thinking about getting their next fix.

I'm the ADD PP. You both made a whole lot of assumptions off of my post.

I am a little like your husband, I can get distracted and my mind wanders. So I have a lot of habits in place to try to prevent situations where absentmindedness could be deadly. My husband knows that I'm always working on this, but I have some adult ADD and it is a weakness. When not done in malice he would never unleash on me the way you are talking about. This type of dynamic does not result in loving parents raising children, it results in militant mom taking over parenting and belittling dad. Which feels justified perhaps to you, but will not be good for your children in the long run. Get some ironclad systems/routines/rules in place to avoid things like this, and come to your marriage from a place of compassion instead of rage.

I make my routines myself. My husband knows what they are, so he just operates in a way that helps me rather than hinders me. And a BIG way he does this is by not freaking out like OP. I know it is a weakness, but when I make one mistake, I tend to lose my handle on my habits and routines, I get overwhelmed and start to feel bad at myself which leads to more mistakes. But he knows this, and so when I do mess something up and start to lose my focus, he will just show empathy and kindness and he will spend a day helping me more than he normally would with 'my stuff' to help cut the cycle off. I don't ask him to to do that, he does it because he loves me and we're a team. And I am always working on controlling any issues that arise from this, and he knows I'm putting in my own effort. He has his own weaknesses that I try to buttress so we do not resent each other, we see each other as human's that we both love deeply.

I really don't relate to so many posters talking about a spouse asking them for help and basically laughing in their face. If your spouse was really overweight and asked you to help with cooking or making time for exercise I don't think this attitude would present. Or if they were depressed and needed to see a therapist or needed you to support them. It isn't a made up thing, it is a real condition. My BIL and SIL got divorced in a dynamic similar to what you guys are describing, and honestly, in that situation, it was truly both of their faults. He did NOTHING to try to address the issues that arose from his ADD, wouldn't get treatment, he just could not improve. He was a legitimately terrible husband. But she was cruel and unforgiving and intensely nagging about it and negative about him, and you could just see the cycle. Him messing something up, her just berating him into the ground with comments, him withdrawing and getting depressed, her angrily doing everything and getting depressed, and repeat. Certainly there are some people where you just aren't going to be able to help, and you don't owe someone your life if you don't love them and are miserable. But I also feel like so much of the language here is like, why on earth did you marry this person? You certainly don't talk about them like a loving partner, but rather the star striker on your soccer team where hey, if they don't keep scoring goals, you can always find another player.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. this is not the first time. When eldest was six months old he left the then infant alone in the baby bathtub because I had just been in the bathroom and he thought I was paying attention to what he was doing. I wasn't. I walked in to find baby fully submerged. Grabbed her and spent the next 24 hours watching her every move to make sure she was okay. She was fine but I almost left him then.

So this was what, at least 3 years ago? 3/4 years ago? I would be upset about this incident as well, and it sounds like maybe your husband is a little scattered, but if you loved your husband, you would be thinking about ways to help him succeed, not how to divorce him.

I am a little like your husband, I can get distracted and my mind wanders. So I have a lot of habits in place to try to prevent situations where absentmindedness could be deadly. My husband knows that I'm always working on this, but I have some adult ADD and it is a weakness. When not done in malice he would never unleash on me the way you are talking about. This type of dynamic does not result in loving parents raising children, it results in militant mom taking over parenting and belittling dad. Which feels justified perhaps to you, but will not be good for your children in the long run. Get some ironclad systems/routines/rules in place to avoid things like this, and come to your marriage from a place of compassion instead of rage.

Unbelievable. You're a scatterbrained idiot so it's everyone else's fault when you do something scatterbrained even if it could have serious negative consequences for someone else.

OP, your husband isn't the victim here. The kids are. I'd be as angry as you are. I doubt I'd divorce over these two incidents. I would take some time to cool off after reading him the riot act and work on some basic safety rules to make sure one parent is always with the kids.

Yea, I’m so tired of the ADHD as an excuse thing. I get it’s a problem, but from my observations, they tend to expect everyone else to figure out systems and routines for them. My H was like this, he wanted me to write out everything for him, but I don’t want to spend my own bandwidth figuring his stuff out.

I’m not ADHD and even I have systems and routines for safety. I point at everything and say it out loud to make sure I have it all (“kid 1. Kid 2. Keys. Phone.”) I check the backseat of my car every time I leave, even if I don’t have the kids with me. I check on both kids and check with my H every time I leave the house. It’s not that hard to figure these things out.

What I think is FAR more likely is everyone is just distracted by their screens, so they’re scattebrained and more like an addict, only thinking about getting their next fix.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he go?

He didn't notice your car was gone when he left?

If you had your door CLOSED wouldn't someone need to be watching two year old twins? - this is the part that's confusing to me. If I left the house with two year old twins roaming around, i would (1) put them in their cribs or bumbos or whatever and (2) find the other adult to say "he larlo and barlo are in the bumbos" - be back in 15...

something about this story is very off.

I never had a bumbo but aren’t they like chairs, not 2 year old traps?

you're right - i'm thinking about when they were 6 months old, not walking yet - i have twins and if i had to pee i'd pop them in the bumbos for a minute

bumbos don't work for every infant. My son would sit in one until you took him out, my DD would throw herself headfirst from it to escape it and that was from 6 months old - some kids are just more active and adventurous.

my son was so chunky I would just wedge his chunky lil thighs in there and he was happy as a calm

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he go?

He didn't notice your car was gone when he left?

If you had your door CLOSED wouldn't someone need to be watching two year old twins? - this is the part that's confusing to me. If I left the house with two year old twins roaming around, i would (1) put them in their cribs or bumbos or whatever and (2) find the other adult to say "he larlo and barlo are in the bumbos" - be back in 15...

something about this story is very off.

I never had a bumbo but aren’t they like chairs, not 2 year old traps?

you're right - i'm thinking about when they were 6 months old, not walking yet - i have twins and if i had to pee i'd pop them in the bumbos for a minute

bumbos don't work for every infant. My son would sit in one until you took him out, my DD would throw herself headfirst from it to escape it and that was from 6 months old - some kids are just more active and adventurous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok just so I'm clear about how things went- times are approximate:
9AM- you leave with the preschooler for the day. He knows you will he gone all day.
He's at home alone with the twins while he works.
2:30PM- he sends you a text saying he's leaving
3:00PM - you arrive home with the preschooler to find no adult

Is that correct?
If so- those of you blaming OP are way way way off base. He left children in the house without double checking if she had gotten home. He's the one who didn't make the handoff.

He drove down the driveway presumably without noticing that her car wasn't there. Makes me really wonder if he's paying attention to these twins at all while he's working.

I wouldn't ever trust him with the kids alone again esp after the infant near drowning incident

Yes, this is exactly what happened.

Yes this is really messed up. He's absolutely at fault and this is egregious.

But on a much more mundane note, you might also need childcare help during during workday. If you know he is inattentive then having him watch them while working seems like a recipe for trouble even WHEN he is home, his attention will be divided.

+ 5000000 how can anyone work with 2 year old twins at home. I would not trust him to not get sucked into something and they set the house on fire

Yep. This is where I started to realize OP and her husband are a perfect example of those that are screwing up WFH for everyone by keeping their children home while they try to work full time without childcare.
+10000000 get childcare!!!!

Anonymous wrote:I was very anti OP earlier in the thread. I will say that the scenario laid out on the last pages, of the husband being home all day and leaving after texting op makes it much more egregious and unacceptable.

However I also feel like the way OP is changing and reframing the story based on poster feedback makes me much more convinced she/he is a troll

Agree

You’re not overreacting and this isn’t divorce worthy.

A better communication system is needed.

One time my wife decided to take a mid-day nap. Two year old son climbed out of his crib, and let himself out of an unbolted front door. He was playing next to the street when I found him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. this is not the first time. When eldest was six months old he left the then infant alone in the baby bathtub because I had just been in the bathroom and he thought I was paying attention to what he was doing. I wasn't. I walked in to find baby fully submerged. Grabbed her and spent the next 24 hours watching her every move to make sure she was okay. She was fine but I almost left him then.

So this was what, at least 3 years ago? 3/4 years ago? I would be upset about this incident as well, and it sounds like maybe your husband is a little scattered, but if you loved your husband, you would be thinking about ways to help him succeed, not how to divorce him.

I am a little like your husband, I can get distracted and my mind wanders. So I have a lot of habits in place to try to prevent situations where absentmindedness could be deadly. My husband knows that I'm always working on this, but I have some adult ADD and it is a weakness. When not done in malice he would never unleash on me the way you are talking about. This type of dynamic does not result in loving parents raising children, it results in militant mom taking over parenting and belittling dad. Which feels justified perhaps to you, but will not be good for your children in the long run. Get some ironclad systems/routines/rules in place to avoid things like this, and come to your marriage from a place of compassion instead of rage.

Unbelievable. You're a scatterbrained idiot so it's everyone else's fault when you do something scatterbrained even if it could have serious negative consequences for someone else.

OP, your husband isn't the victim here. The kids are. I'd be as angry as you are. I doubt I'd divorce over these two incidents. I would take some time to cool off after reading him the riot act and work on some basic safety rules to make sure one parent is always with the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Agree this is a troll, none of this makes sense. Why would someone text a spouse they believed to be in the same house to say they are leaving? And the bathtub story makes no sense, he left the baby because the “thought OP was paying attention to what he was doing”????? Also seems hard for a 6 month old to become submerged in a baby tub.

Also the lack of childcare for toddler twins.

Because he’s an angry man with anger issues that doesn’t feel like dealing with his wife so he texts and dips. He’s a jerk. That’s why! And he thought since she was around during the bath she was supervising. There are a lot of amazing dads out there but this is not one of them. Stop blaming OP and calling her a troll.

Agree this is a troll, none of this makes sense. Why would someone text a spouse they believed to be in the same house to say they are leaving? And the bathtub story makes no sense, he left the baby because the “thought OP was paying attention to what he was doing”????? Also seems hard for a 6 month old to become submerged in a baby tub.

Also the lack of childcare for toddler twins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was very anti OP earlier in the thread. I will say that the scenario laid out on the last pages, of the husband being home all day and leaving after texting op makes it much more egregious and unacceptable.

However I also feel like the way OP is changing and reframing the story based on poster feedback makes me much more convinced she/he is a troll

Yes. This has all the hallmarks of a trollpost, from post #1. Congrats OP!

Agreed. When I had to go back to the first post to compare details because they seem to have changed, I realized I had been had. Good one, OP.

Then go back again because I think her first post is consistent with every subsequent post - she just clarified a few things

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok just so I'm clear about how things went- times are approximate:
9AM- you leave with the preschooler for the day. He knows you will he gone all day.
He's at home alone with the twins while he works.
2:30PM- he sends you a text saying he's leaving
3:00PM - you arrive home with the preschooler to find no adult

Is that correct?
If so- those of you blaming OP are way way way off base. He left children in the house without double checking if she had gotten home. He's the one who didn't make the handoff.

He drove down the driveway presumably without noticing that her car wasn't there. Makes me really wonder if he's paying attention to these twins at all while he's working.

I wouldn't ever trust him with the kids alone again esp after the infant near drowning incident

Yes, this is exactly what happened.

Why didn’t you answer your text messages to tell him you weren’t home?

Read her response. She was doing pickup in bad weather and driving. WTF. You people will find ANY REASON TO LAY THE BLAME ON THE WOMAN.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was very anti OP earlier in the thread. I will say that the scenario laid out on the last pages, of the husband being home all day and leaving after texting op makes it much more egregious and unacceptable.

However I also feel like the way OP is changing and reframing the story based on poster feedback makes me much more convinced she/he is a troll

Yes. This has all the hallmarks of a trollpost, from post #1. Congrats OP!

Agreed. When I had to go back to the first post to compare details because they seem to have changed, I realized I had been had. Good one, OP.