Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who never thought he would be tempted to cheat. I had a passionate relationship with my wife. Yet 15 years later, here I am with great kids and and a dead bedroom. I am very tempted and it does not help that options seem to be all around me. I have not broken yet, but gosh it is harder than I imagined.

Same situation but I got you beat by a year.

I cheated at year 4 of a sexless marriage and about year 8 of my wife basically rejecting most advantages.

It was honestly.....incredible. The experience was blur of passion and physical pleasure I forgot existed. So much so I almost feel bad for my wife who seemingly prefers a sexless relationship.

I really don't understand why some people, usually but not always women, don't like sex. It's free and amazing!

Some women never liked sex and there can be any number of reasons for this including that they might have unresolved trauma from sexual abuse or sexual assault in their past.

But in my decades of observation and personal experience, most women like sex just fine and are very enthusiastic about having it early in a relationship. Years later when their sexual partner and life partner has been behaving like an overgrown teenager who doesn’t pull equal weight in the logistics and mundane work of running a family/home/marriage and instead selfishly indulges his own needs while seemingly never thinking about hers, the attraction just dies. It’s hard to get excited about having sex with a man you have to clean up after just like one of your actual kids.

So why do lesbians have less sex than straight couples? Or are lesbians overgrown teenagers?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who never thought he would be tempted to cheat. I had a passionate relationship with my wife. Yet 15 years later, here I am with great kids and and a dead bedroom. I am very tempted and it does not help that options seem to be all around me. I have not broken yet, but gosh it is harder than I imagined.

Same situation but I got you beat by a year.

I cheated at year 4 of a sexless marriage and about year 8 of my wife basically rejecting most advantages.

It was honestly.....incredible. The experience was blur of passion and physical pleasure I forgot existed. So much so I almost feel bad for my wife who seemingly prefers a sexless relationship.

I really don't understand why some people, usually but not always women, don't like sex. It's free and amazing!

Some women never liked sex and there can be any number of reasons for this including that they might have unresolved trauma from sexual abuse or sexual assault in their past.

But in my decades of observation and personal experience, most women like sex just fine and are very enthusiastic about having it early in a relationship. Years later when their sexual partner and life partner has been behaving like an overgrown teenager who doesn’t pull equal weight in the logistics and mundane work of running a family/home/marriage and instead selfishly indulges his own needs while seemingly never thinking about hers, the attraction just dies. It’s hard to get excited about having sex with a man you have to clean up after just like one of your actual kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

You have zero idea what’s happening in any marriage. At 50, I haven’t changed my stance when I have seen the after effects on friends, they’re kids, teens and family members when infidelity implodes a family. I’ve sat with friends blind-sided and these were “couples goal” type of marriages where I knew both well for decades.

The reality of it is much different than theory. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea.

Oh, and the cheaters? They were shocked and reeling when they saw what it did to everyone they cared about the most. When they think nobody is going to ever find out they severely underestimate the trauma of the situation as it is discovered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

You have zero idea what’s happening in any marriage. At 50, I haven’t changed my stance when I have seen the after effects on friends, they’re kids, teens and family members when infidelity implodes a family. I’ve sat with friends blind-sided and these were “couples goal” type of marriages where I knew both well for decades.

The reality of it is much different than theory. Unless you have lived it, you have no idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Many people agree with you. I assume a lot of the people so outraged by cheating are younger and idealistic. I am nearing 50. Call me jaded, but when I look around at the actual marriages that are still going (there are many of them!), a lot of them are sexless, or the passion is gone. Even the stats about married people age 50+ show that most aren't having sex that often and many are down to once a month or less.

Do you throw it all away for one last chance at experiencing life's greatest joys? Or just bottle that stuff inside and let the resentment grow?

Regardless of the moralizing, our animal instincts often win out.

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I agree with this. I have never cheated nor had my spouse to my knowledge. But I think we as a society attach such monumental importance to strict, perfect fidelity over many decades, which is just kind of silly when you think about it in the context of our animal nature, changing emotional, physical, and intellectual needs over time. It’s almost like we use the concept of fidelity as a measure of our safety in the relationship and financially. I’m just opining here. I think there are other ways of doing life and relationships that perhaps more people are starting to think about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I don't get it either. If you told me which is a graver sin of: 1) my wife spending all of our money recklessly; 2) neglecting our children; 3) being emotionally or physically cruel; 4) sleeping with some dude from work on a road trip.....it almost sounds silly to type it out.

DUH. Read the post before yours.

If you are out in the open and your spouse is okay with it, by all means, live your life the way you want. However, if your spouse thinks you are monogamous and you are not, he/she will have zero trust in a dishonest spouse and it will erode the relationship. Those lies and secrets and bangs with someone else will sink a marriage fast.

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I don't get it either. If you told me which is a graver sin of: 1) my wife spending all of our money recklessly; 2) neglecting our children; 3) being emotionally or physically cruel; 4) sleeping with some dude from work on a road trip.....it almost sounds silly to type it out.

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

Honesty and trust are the be all and end all of any relationship.

So, you can see why lying behind somebody's back and gaslighting them and saying you are one place or going on a work trip and going to bang someone else while spouse is holding down the home front would be an EXTREME violation of that person's trust and render you completely dishonest and lacking integrity.

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who never thought he would be tempted to cheat. I had a passionate relationship with my wife. Yet 15 years later, here I am with great kids and and a dead bedroom. I am very tempted and it does not help that options seem to be all around me. I have not broken yet, but gosh it is harder than I imagined.

Same situation but I got you beat by a year.

I cheated at year 4 of a sexless marriage and about year 8 of my wife basically rejecting most advantages.

It was honestly.....incredible. The experience was blur of passion and physical pleasure I forgot existed. So much so I almost feel bad for my wife who seemingly prefers a sexless relationship.

I really don't understand why some people, usually but not always women, don't like sex. It's free and amazing!

I am curious why sexual monogamy seems to be the be all and end all of what people think of as marital commitment. Let's say your spouse - DW or DH - did all the right things: took care of you when sick, put a roof over your and the kids head, food on the table, was otherwise caring and loving and a good parent and then.... you found out they had a one night stand on a business trip. Would thatmake you want to blow up your whole world and that of your kids? Marraige is very very complicated.

I think this is one of those things that is impossible to know because there's so much shame and secrecy surrounding adultery. I don't think it's a majority of people, but I also don't think it's super rare. (Very specific, I know, haha.)

I am a guy who never thought he would be tempted to cheat. I had a passionate relationship with my wife. Yet 15 years later, here I am with great kids and and a dead bedroom. I am very tempted and it does not help that options seem to be all around me. I have not broken yet, but gosh it is harder than I imagined.

Oh and people don't need to have money or looks to cheat.

Anonymous wrote:When I was in my 20s I worked in consulting. I traveled M-F, entertained clients, lived in hotels, and spent a lot of time in hotel bars with colleagues and other business travelers. Senior managers and partners at my company at that time tended to be rich and entitled. If they wanted something, they asked for it and were shocked to hear “no”.

All the junior women in the office knew which clients and senior men were cheaters and womanizers.

I honestly think 10-15% of men cheat and am flabbergasted at people who think it’s 40-50%. I spent a decade working late nights and closing hotel bars with men with unlimited expense accounts who spend 150+ nights a year in hotels - if anyone has the opportunity and ability to cheat, they do.

Maybe it's just 10-15% of the people in the work you do. There is an entire sector of the population that doesn't travel for work or if they do it's in a pickup truck, possibly as a day laborer. And then another entire sector that doesn't leave the house to cheat.