Anonymous
10/22/2021 11:23
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
There is not tradition in our culture of buying men engagement rings.
This is not a business negotiation.
Your transactional approach to how you express your eternal love to someone is pretty scarey.
NP. Women demanding a ring to barter her fertility and youth in marriage (quoting OP here) is traditional and sentimental but men getting a gift from a woman upon engagement is transactional?
Make it make sense.
The bean counting of “she gets a ring, what do I get??” will doom a marriage. You can’t go into it with that attitude. That’s what leads to chore charts and sexlessness and resentment.
And FWIW, I know many women who got their H’s engagement gifts, myself included. It may not be as expensive or flashy as a ring, but it was something with sentimental value that they treasured.
You still haven't explained why it's only bean-counting in one direction but not in the other. Why is her "you want my fertility, where is my ring?" not bean counting? She's literally saying his love is not enough (or is not real love) without getting her an expensive ring to make it worth her while. That's transactional by definition.
You are missing the point. What men and women give early on in marriage is not commensurate. The woman gives something that can never be restored, regained or recaptured if the marriage does not last. The man can move on pretty easily and start again. What OP was saying is that she is staking much more than a trivial ring is worth.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 11:19
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
There is not tradition in our culture of buying men engagement rings.
This is not a business negotiation.
Your transactional approach to how you express your eternal love to someone is pretty scarey.
NP. Women demanding a ring to barter her fertility and youth in marriage (quoting OP here) is traditional and sentimental but men getting a gift from a woman upon engagement is transactional?
Make it make sense.
The bean counting of “she gets a ring, what do I get??” will doom a marriage. You can’t go into it with that attitude. That’s what leads to chore charts and sexlessness and resentment.
And FWIW, I know many women who got their H’s engagement gifts, myself included. It may not be as expensive or flashy as a ring, but it was something with sentimental value that they treasured.
You still haven't explained why it's only bean-counting in one direction but not in the other. Why is her "you want my fertility, where is my ring?" not bean counting? She's literally saying his love is not enough (or is not real love) without getting her an expensive ring to make it worth her while. That's transactional by definition.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 11:16
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
There is not tradition in our culture of buying men engagement rings.
This is not a business negotiation.
Your transactional approach to how you express your eternal love to someone is pretty scarey.
NP. Women demanding a ring to barter her fertility and youth in marriage (quoting OP here) is traditional and sentimental but men getting a gift from a woman upon engagement is transactional?
Make it make sense.
The bean counting of “she gets a ring, what do I get??” will doom a marriage. You can’t go into it with that attitude. That’s what leads to chore charts and sexlessness and resentment.
And FWIW, I know many women who got their H’s engagement gifts, myself included. It may not be as expensive or flashy as a ring, but it was something with sentimental value that they treasured.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 11:09
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
Not the point. He’s not asking the question. And they make equal amounts of money. It’s about wanting to make your partner happy even if you have to sacrifice a little. (Not talking about going into debt).
I think it's fair for her to buy him something. I bought my then-fiance a large flat-screen TV that he had been eyeing but felt too self-indulgent to pull the trigger on (this was years ago). He was pretty pleased, and I felt that having both sides bestow a gift was more egalitarian.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 11:02
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
There is not tradition in our culture of buying men engagement rings.
This is not a business negotiation.
Your transactional approach to how you express your eternal love to someone is pretty scarey.
NP. Women demanding a ring to barter her fertility and youth in marriage (quoting OP here) is traditional and sentimental but men getting a gift from a woman upon engagement is transactional?
Make it make sense.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 10:51
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:From what I gather, OP wants a somewhat expensive ring. Fiancé could save for it but doesn’t want to. He is currently overspending on his current salary because he will be making much more money in a few years. It sounds like he is acquiring debt doing this. OP at one point suggested, on here, that he might as well also finance the ring. Many pps expressed that this was a terrible idea and she then said he should just save for one as saving would be possible with what he is earning now. Fiancé has not brought up a ring and OP feels uncomfortable bringing it up.
Both OP and fiancé appear to have terrible communication skills and both appear to be bad with money.
Personally, I would not marry someone who did not propose with a ring. I am a traditional person in this way and I would not be a good fit with someone who thought engagement rings/weddings/wedding rings were stupid and meaningless. I would also never want to marry someone financially irresponsible who was spending future earnings on luxuries for himself or I.
Agree with all of this. I am a guy, and would not want to marry a woman who didn't want a ring.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 10:51
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
There is not tradition in our culture of buying men engagement rings.
This is not a business negotiation.
Your transactional approach to how you express your eternal love to someone is pretty scarey.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 10:50
Subject: No ring
From what I gather, OP wants a somewhat expensive ring. Fiancé could save for it but doesn’t want to. He is currently overspending on his current salary because he will be making much more money in a few years. It sounds like he is acquiring debt doing this. OP at one point suggested, on here, that he might as well also finance the ring. Many pps expressed that this was a terrible idea and she then said he should just save for one as saving would be possible with what he is earning now. Fiancé has not brought up a ring and OP feels uncomfortable bringing it up.
Both OP and fiancé appear to have terrible communication skills and both appear to be bad with money.
Personally, I would not marry someone who did not propose with a ring. I am a traditional person in this way and I would not be a good fit with someone who thought engagement rings/weddings/wedding rings were stupid and meaningless. I would also never want to marry someone financially irresponsible who was spending future earnings on luxuries for himself or I.
Both OP and fiancé appear to have terrible communication skills and both appear to be bad with money.
Personally, I would not marry someone who did not propose with a ring. I am a traditional person in this way and I would not be a good fit with someone who thought engagement rings/weddings/wedding rings were stupid and meaningless. I would also never want to marry someone financially irresponsible who was spending future earnings on luxuries for himself or I.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 10:49
Subject: Re:No ring
Anonymous wrote:If you have articulated to your future husband why this is important and he is dismissive, then i would see that as a big red flag. And I say that as a woman who didn’t want a ring, my future husband insisted and so it sits in a drawer. It isn’t about the ring. It is about whether he takes into account what is important to you.
I’m also assuming you are not insisting on something insanely out of his budget.
This.
I would go to couples counselling BEFORE you get legally tied together. Not so much about the ring, but how you will solve disagreements in the future, and whether he cares at all about what matters to you.
Good luck.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 10:37
Subject: Re:No ring
Anonymous wrote:It’s about wanting to make your partner happy even if you have to sacrifice a little
Making your partner happy by throwing money away on something stupid so she can impress her girlfriends. Maybe she needs to grow up a little and stop being such a useless person in search of a walking ATM. If she wants a useless trinket, she should save up for it.
Your house must be fun over the holidays!
Anonymous
10/22/2021 09:30
Subject: No ring
Is that he does not want to buy you an expensive ring or that he does not feel the need for rings? Also, is there a ring you have your heart set on?
I ask because my dh gave me his grandmother’s ring that his mom gave to him (before she died/had a terminal). He knew all along he would give me this ring even though we once looked at a jewelers. I sorta wanted a different ring because that’s all I had known from all my friend’s rings. However, I love it because it meant something to him and so just accepted it. I actually get complimented on it quite a bit.
If a ring is important to you explain that to him but let him know it does not need to be expensive - just have meaning.
I ask because my dh gave me his grandmother’s ring that his mom gave to him (before she died/had a terminal). He knew all along he would give me this ring even though we once looked at a jewelers. I sorta wanted a different ring because that’s all I had known from all my friend’s rings. However, I love it because it meant something to him and so just accepted it. I actually get complimented on it quite a bit.
If a ring is important to you explain that to him but let him know it does not need to be expensive - just have meaning.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 09:04
Subject: Re:No ring
Anonymous wrote:It’s about wanting to make your partner happy even if you have to sacrifice a little
Making your partner happy by throwing money away on something stupid so she can impress her girlfriends. Maybe she needs to grow up a little and stop being such a useless person in search of a walking ATM. If she wants a useless trinket, she should save up for it.
Well, I wouldn’t marry you either.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 08:46
Subject: Re:No ring
It’s about wanting to make your partner happy even if you have to sacrifice a little
Making your partner happy by throwing money away on something stupid so she can impress her girlfriends. Maybe she needs to grow up a little and stop being such a useless person in search of a walking ATM. If she wants a useless trinket, she should save up for it.
Anonymous
10/22/2021 08:23
Subject: No ring
Anonymous wrote:And what is she buying him)
Not the point. He’s not asking the question. And they make equal amounts of money. It’s about wanting to make your partner happy even if you have to sacrifice a little. (Not talking about going into debt).
Anonymous
10/22/2021 08:06
Subject: No ring
And what is she buying him)