Anonymous
10/04/2021 16:58
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
^PP, why do you allow that guy to still text you? Do you need the ego boost? I cannot understand why he wouldn’t be blocked on everything. Interesting that you express no remorse for knowingly engaging in a relationship with a married man - that’s a pretty sh!tty thing to do to someone else. Curious if your DH knows this story. It would make me nervous to marry someone who had been in a relationship like that unless they had gone A LOT of soul searching, changed their views on respecting a marriage, and felt real remorse.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 16:49
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:OP if you're still reading, here's my story.
I was (kind of) you. Single, met a married man who was separated from his wife. When I say "separated", I mean they were living in different states because of his job, for the year. He told me they were separate-ing...she didn't know that (I learned later), I thought it was their prelude to divorce, he let me think that, etc. We used to discuss how we were soulmates, had never felt this way, etc.
You can guess how it ended.
Several years later when his pics with his wife would pop up on SM, I couldn't understand how to square it with my reality. Did he mean all the stuff he said to me (I believe so), did I really love him (yes), was he ever going to leave her (no).
Two things happened. I learned to believe what men do, not what they say. Hell, I apply that lesson to people in general. I owned that this man was never as great as I thought he was. If I meant that much, he would've pursued a clean divorce with his wife, split their assets accordingly, and moved on with me. People do it all the time. I'm not saying that would have been right or fair to her, but life ain't fair. Also, that's not what happened. I'm the one who had to move on, alone, and do a lot of self-reflecting about how I believed myself to be a smart woman but made a series of dumb (and hurtful) choices.
Since then: I met a great guy and had a baby. I've heard several times from my former AP. He'd continue texting me forever if I let him. This stuff just doesn't mean to them what it means to us. Honestly. So I never reply. I think about how shitty it would be for his wife to see it, and how awful I'd feel if my husband treated me that way.
You can let go. It's ok. Turn inward, remember your connection with him as special if you need to, but walk away for yourself. You can do it.
This. If a guy says that stuff it just means he wants to say it. It could be just a fantasy to him or something he wishes could be true… the relationship between reality and words is not clear unless you have some actions to back it up. Women have to be clear with themselves on what actions make a good relationship for them. If it’s just the sex and the texting, fine, if you want or need more you cannot be sure he is on the same page unless he puts his money where his mouth is.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 16:35
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
OP if you're still reading, here's my story.
I was (kind of) you. Single, met a married man who was separated from his wife. When I say "separated", I mean they were living in different states because of his job, for the year. He told me they were separate-ing...she didn't know that (I learned later), I thought it was their prelude to divorce, he let me think that, etc. We used to discuss how we were soulmates, had never felt this way, etc.
You can guess how it ended.
Several years later when his pics with his wife would pop up on SM, I couldn't understand how to square it with my reality. Did he mean all the stuff he said to me (I believe so), did I really love him (yes), was he ever going to leave her (no).
Two things happened. I learned to believe what men do, not what they say. Hell, I apply that lesson to people in general. I owned that this man was never as great as I thought he was. If I meant that much, he would've pursued a clean divorce with his wife, split their assets accordingly, and moved on with me. People do it all the time. I'm not saying that would have been right or fair to her, but life ain't fair. Also, that's not what happened. I'm the one who had to move on, alone, and do a lot of self-reflecting about how I believed myself to be a smart woman but made a series of dumb (and hurtful) choices.
Since then: I met a great guy and had a baby. I've heard several times from my former AP. He'd continue texting me forever if I let him. This stuff just doesn't mean to them what it means to us. Honestly. So I never reply. I think about how shitty it would be for his wife to see it, and how awful I'd feel if my husband treated me that way.
You can let go. It's ok. Turn inward, remember your connection with him as special if you need to, but walk away for yourself. You can do it.
I was (kind of) you. Single, met a married man who was separated from his wife. When I say "separated", I mean they were living in different states because of his job, for the year. He told me they were separate-ing...she didn't know that (I learned later), I thought it was their prelude to divorce, he let me think that, etc. We used to discuss how we were soulmates, had never felt this way, etc.
You can guess how it ended.
Several years later when his pics with his wife would pop up on SM, I couldn't understand how to square it with my reality. Did he mean all the stuff he said to me (I believe so), did I really love him (yes), was he ever going to leave her (no).
Two things happened. I learned to believe what men do, not what they say. Hell, I apply that lesson to people in general. I owned that this man was never as great as I thought he was. If I meant that much, he would've pursued a clean divorce with his wife, split their assets accordingly, and moved on with me. People do it all the time. I'm not saying that would have been right or fair to her, but life ain't fair. Also, that's not what happened. I'm the one who had to move on, alone, and do a lot of self-reflecting about how I believed myself to be a smart woman but made a series of dumb (and hurtful) choices.
Since then: I met a great guy and had a baby. I've heard several times from my former AP. He'd continue texting me forever if I let him. This stuff just doesn't mean to them what it means to us. Honestly. So I never reply. I think about how shitty it would be for his wife to see it, and how awful I'd feel if my husband treated me that way.
You can let go. It's ok. Turn inward, remember your connection with him as special if you need to, but walk away for yourself. You can do it.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 16:06
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:So I am the former AP of someone I still care deeply about but am I longer intimate with. We still feel connected but do not speak or meet. This summer he nearly died, and while that was happening, asked me not to communicate bc he was afraid the messages would be found by his wife and would hurt her (obviously, although they are PG their mere existence would be hurtful at such a time). Anyway all my normal instincts of being helpful etc were impossible bc of what I have been to him, and the only humane thing to do was withdraw, knowing that his first priority is of course his family and real life. He got back in touch afterwards to let me know he was okay. The whole experience was humiliating and excruciating though in terms of all channels of normal basic decency being closed and ironically as afraid as I was of losing him to death itself, I’m now inclined to end it anyway bc being shut out made crystal clear that no matter what I have ever meant to him (which he has all along told me is a lot) it is next to nothing in the context of his real life, and I feel like such a fool for having cared so deeply for so long even though I ended the physical relationship many years ago. Ending the emotional tie now won’t actually accomplish anything bc it still doesn’t change the past or how we can relate to each other now. He has meant a lot to me and the relationship such as it is (mostly based on our former bond) has gotten me through some very tough times but does not feel the same after this. Does it make sense to end it because of something in the past that ending it cannot change? It seems irrational but that’s my impulse.
Too bad. His wife would have been rid of a no good cheater and liar.
Even while he was almost at deaths door he let you know you were merely used tissue to him.
You wasted a lot of time over a horrible person instead of investing all that on someone nice and single.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 12:26
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:I think OP and the guy from the she blocked me post would be an excellent pairing!
Yes!! Who needs Bumble when you can bumble your way through establishing compatibility by posting on DCUM?
Anonymous
10/04/2021 12:26
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
I read the other threads. OP, he’s just a bastard. You’re single now. Focus on healing, learning, and trying to be your best self for yourself.
Grave illness isn’t a cleanser of any kind. This man apparently contacted her years after she ended their affair. This is what was written without contradicting elements. He is manipulative. Let him go. Bluntly, if his diagnosis is that grave, you have no future with him anyway.
Grave illness isn’t a cleanser of any kind. This man apparently contacted her years after she ended their affair. This is what was written without contradicting elements. He is manipulative. Let him go. Bluntly, if his diagnosis is that grave, you have no future with him anyway.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 12:09
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
I think OP and the guy from the she blocked me post would be an excellent pairing!
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:37
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:No. And I don’t have to “convince” you about my own personal history of not having been raped or molested. Who even says such a thing? Convince you? Who do you think you are?
Oml OP people here have tried to help you. Your projection and deflection are astounding and shed light on how you got yourself into the predicament with the erstwhile DH. The guy must be in it for the emotional fascination. Like the sociopath poster. I think a sociopath is about the only type that could tolerate this level of emotional liability for that many years.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:33
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:No. And I don’t have to “convince” you about my own personal history of not having been raped or molested. Who even says such a thing? Convince you? Who do you think you are?
OP, you’re the one who posted this garbage. What exactly did you think your posts were going to produce? Sympathy? You sound damaged, which is why people are asking if you have been abused and are seeking the therapy you so obviously need.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:30
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
No. And I don’t have to “convince” you about my own personal history of not having been raped or molested. Who even says such a thing? Convince you? Who do you think you are?
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:28
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I wish you would change your mind and give us your backstory with this guy. Your initial post sounded so sad and romantic that we can’t help but be curious.
Thank you but no.
And for others asking/assuming I was not abused or raped early on and had an excellent, caring, responsive mother.
How was daddy?
Did your parents teach you morals and/or ethics? Like basic human decency—don’t lie, treat others like you want to be treated, don’t commit adultery, etc.
I read your other thread about how sad you feel for his 9th grade child that his parent is dying. You didn’t care about that child when you had sex with his dad.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:27
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I wish you would change your mind and give us your backstory with this guy. Your initial post sounded so sad and romantic that we can’t help but be curious.
Thank you but no.
And for others asking/assuming I was not abused or raped early on and had an excellent, caring, responsive mother.
Sorry but yes. It might not have been rape or abuse (though I’m still not convinced) but you are mentally ill. Are you bi polar?
I am sensing borderline personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder. The latter is most likely.
+1. Was thinking the same. Histrionics have a childish gullibility to them, and they welcome any type of attention. Even attention that makes them appear foolish. It’s all good as long as they are getting attention.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:21
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I wish you would change your mind and give us your backstory with this guy. Your initial post sounded so sad and romantic that we can’t help but be curious.
Thank you but no.
And for others asking/assuming I was not abused or raped early on and had an excellent, caring, responsive mother.
Sorry but yes. It might not have been rape or abuse (though I’m still not convinced) but you are mentally ill. Are you bi polar?
I am sensing borderline personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder. The latter is most likely.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:21
Subject: This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Sounds like it had already ended since you said the two of you didn't speak or meet. So . . .
How do you know you both still felt connected if you weren't speaking or meeting?
Why did he have to explicitly tell you not to contact him?
Had you still been trying to contact him off and on and he didn't respond?
If the two of you have not had any communication, why did he feel he had to proactively take the step (while on death's door) to tell you not to contact him? Did he for some reason figure you'd reach out, even though the two of you had not been speaking or meeting.
I have the feeling that the still felt connected may have been a one way street for only you.
How do you know you both still felt connected if you weren't speaking or meeting?
Why did he have to explicitly tell you not to contact him?
Had you still been trying to contact him off and on and he didn't respond?
If the two of you have not had any communication, why did he feel he had to proactively take the step (while on death's door) to tell you not to contact him? Did he for some reason figure you'd reach out, even though the two of you had not been speaking or meeting.
I have the feeling that the still felt connected may have been a one way street for only you.
Anonymous
10/04/2021 11:20
Subject: Re:This is kind of a weird question and trigger, there is an OW component
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I wish you would change your mind and give us your backstory with this guy. Your initial post sounded so sad and romantic that we can’t help but be curious.
Her back story has nothing to do with “this guy”, her very sad and most likely tragic and traumatic back story is why she let herself be used by “this guy”.
How did they even meet? I agree. WTH? Why have so little pride you want to be somebody's side piece? Who wants all of that baggage and stress? Who wants to run off with a liar?