Anonymous
01/31/2022 10:29
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:
Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues
I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.
Are you planning to leave? My H sounds a LOT like yours, except that he doesn't drink and is the opposite of hypersexual. In fact, he's extremely repressed. We haven't had sex in 8 or 10 years, because I got tired of initiating what I knew would be mediocre (at best), one-sided sex.
I guess I should be glad that he rarely loses his temper, unlike many others on here. But that's because he shuts down at the first sign of conflict, which means that I have to escalate my own behavior to get any type of response. Usually he just continues to ignore me. Nothing is EVER his fault and he never apologizes or even admits a mistake. (The broken glass stories above really resonated.) It's a terrible example for our kids.
I feel like I've been in an emotional and physical deprivation chamber for years. I need to get out.
Wow, that list above hits hard. Same $hit happening here weekly. It’s so sad our kids basically don’t have a second parent parenting, it’s like a big belligerent child who cannot learn or connect the dots and lashes out insanely.
Good luck to us all.
Anonymous
01/31/2022 10:25
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Other advice: asd should marry asd or not marry. Do not have children; they require tons of work and tons of care and tons of verbal communication/connecting.
my in laws are on the spectrum.....I am still shocked at the risks and sheer negligence that my asd husband and his siblings lived through..... It was not healthy, and set up a series of bizarre contexts that compounded his social shortcomings.
Agree. It’s scary. The mindlessness, carelessness, and thoughtlessness is non-stop.
No seatbelts, fingers smaller in doors, too hot or food given to toddlers, lost track of time, bathtubs never drained for 2yo, not age appropriate outings, equipment, bikes, movies, books, zero conversations, no teaching moments, leaves meals out on the table for young kids like they’re dogs that eat my themselves, burning themselves making s’mores with no supervision, etc.
It’s to bad the family court system here doesn’t give two Fs about negligent incapable parent.
This is precisely why I am sticking with the "marriage" and trying to find my own space and healing, create a separate space within to raise our children and help them understand what they are seeing and experiencing. Shared custody would be 10000x worse nightmare.
Ultimately, the ASD spouse is happier tracking separately anyway.
And fingers crossed / knock on wood, after about 18 months of tweaks, I am finding our home is much calmer.
Ditto. Trapped here as well. Looking for a kid-safe time to pull the ripcord.
Anonymous
01/31/2022 09:45
Subject: Asperger marriage
How do I cope.
I spent a lot of time really sad about the experience my children are having. They are old enough to understand spouse is different now, but won’t understand what they’ve missed themselves until they are adults. I’m sort of numb to it now, mentally exhausted from compensating.
I allow myself to feel sad about my own self. And what we’ll never have, and what I’ll never have. But I try not to let myself wallow.
I try to work out and do something that makes me feel, daily.
I spent a lot of time really sad about the experience my children are having. They are old enough to understand spouse is different now, but won’t understand what they’ve missed themselves until they are adults. I’m sort of numb to it now, mentally exhausted from compensating.
I allow myself to feel sad about my own self. And what we’ll never have, and what I’ll never have. But I try not to let myself wallow.
I try to work out and do something that makes me feel, daily.
Anonymous
01/31/2022 06:28
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anyone married to a spouse with Aspergers? How do you cope?
To the many PPs who mistakenly think that these stories are somehow a blanket condemnation of the entire autistic population: OP was asking to hear from people whose spouse has Asperger's. So clearly all these stories describe individual experiences of living with an adult on the spectrum.
Your posts seeking to invalidate these experiences indicate a lack of awareness of theory of mind, which unfortunately many of us are all too familiar with.
Anonymous
01/31/2022 05:38
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:
Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues
I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.
Are you planning to leave? My H sounds a LOT like yours, except that he doesn't drink and is the opposite of hypersexual. In fact, he's extremely repressed. We haven't had sex in 8 or 10 years, because I got tired of initiating what I knew would be mediocre (at best), one-sided sex.
I guess I should be glad that he rarely loses his temper, unlike many others on here. But that's because he shuts down at the first sign of conflict, which means that I have to escalate my own behavior to get any type of response. Usually he just continues to ignore me. Nothing is EVER his fault and he never apologizes or even admits a mistake. (The broken glass stories above really resonated.) It's a terrible example for our kids.
I feel like I've been in an emotional and physical deprivation chamber for years. I need to get out.
Anonymous
01/27/2022 18:54
Subject: Asperger marriage
What kind of therapy would teach an HFA kid Theory of Mind and being flexible/ adaptable??
Anonymous
01/27/2022 15:53
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.
Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.
To this poster - I'm just wondering, has your DH been officially diagnosed? Did he actually go through therapy as a child? Not coming from a place of judgement... just wondering... have a child going through therapy and DH who I suspect is HFA but not diagnosed, so obviously did not have therapy as a child but has issues now... I have this idea that by putting my son in therapy now, I can set him up for a happier life and avoid the scenario you're describing (which I am living also), but sometimes I wonder if what you're describing is going to be my son's fate anyway. Maybe it's inevitable.
I was in a psychologically abusive marriage with a man who presented with narcissistic personality disorder. My therapist saved my relationship when she suggested my husband was on the spectrum. My husband was willing to seek an evaluation. After he was identified as being on the spectrum, his special interest began learning about theory of mind and he felt freed to be who he is. When he feels emotionally disregulated due to my doing something that is contradictory to his expectation, he now takes a beat to tell me he knows his feelings are his issue and not mine. Does he become sulky and retreat to the basement to play online tabletop games? Yes he does. But I know he will figure it out and I know it is not my fault. He know that our marriage used to abusive, however unintentional. He has made it clear how sorry he is that he caused me all that pain. We also worked out the social bit. He encourages me to do the things I like to do and goes as far as to text my friends when I am down, because he know he doesn't know the best way to help me. Simon Baron-Cohen, the preeminent expert on neurodiversity, which underlines why my marriage was able to heal. The difference between anti-social personality disorder and autism is that Autistic people have bottomless emotional empathy but lack cognitive empathy (theory of mind), while anti-social personalities have zero emotional empathy and are frequently master manipulators due to their significant cognitive empathy. That being said, not every unidentified person on the spectrum is willing to work towards understanding theory of mind. I was fortunate that my husband did.
As for your son...With a husband and three children all on the spectrum, I went back to school to learn as much as I can. The key to avoiding the excruciating statistics of self-harm and suicide for adults on the spectrum is for children and adults learn to use their gifts, see why the autistic mind is extraordinary (and why they need to learn theory of mind and cognitive flexibility), find their tribe and only mask when necessary. My children and husband are "Proud Aspies." When my third child was identified as on the spectrum, she actually celebrated.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 21:44
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Look for meet up groups as well. All on zoom nowadays
Agree. I think AANE and Grace Myhill's groups are useful, but really only when you're just dealing with ASD. We are dealing with ASD and a personality disorder, that was by far causing the most damage. I'm connected with two Facebook groups now that have helped so much. Where does the most damaging behavior comes from-- is it the ASD or the comorbidity? That will tell you where to start.
The support groups really solidified how fixed the pathology is, and my responsibility in breaking this cycle for my kids. They've had ten years of an abusive marriage, I'm determined the next eight will be stable (or as near as I can make it).
[/quote
Stable via a divorce or radical acceptance /distancing or what?
I need a fB or Meet up group for dealing w a bipolar II person.
Stable via separation and more than likely divorce (I tried radical acceptance/distancing, I just don't think that works with certain personality disorders. I'm the PP who's 20 years in).
I'm choosing to move slowly to give him time to adjust to being separated first. Anything else would put him in panic mode, and that makes the difference between hellish or just passive aggressive coparenting.
Mine's not bipolar, but there's definitely FB groups out there. Search for "Bipolar support group" but also "Support Group for Non-Bipolar individuals relating to someone with Bipolar" or similar. If yours is abusive, I highly recommend "The Body Keeps the Score" and from "Trauma to Dharma" (meh title, but actually very science-based).
Anonymous
09/13/2021 19:22
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Look for meet up groups as well. All on zoom nowadays
Agree. I think AANE and Grace Myhill's groups are useful, but really only when you're just dealing with ASD. We are dealing with ASD and a personality disorder, that was by far causing the most damage. I'm connected with two Facebook groups now that have helped so much. Where does the most damaging behavior comes from-- is it the ASD or the comorbidity? That will tell you where to start.
The support groups really solidified how fixed the pathology is, and my responsibility in breaking this cycle for my kids. They've had ten years of an abusive marriage, I'm determined the next eight will be stable (or as near as I can make it).
[/quote
Stable via a divorce or radical acceptance /distancing or what?
I need a fB or Meet up group for dealing w a bipolar II person.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 13:59
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Look for meet up groups as well. All on zoom nowadays
Agree. I think AANE and Grace Myhill's groups are useful, but really only when you're just dealing with ASD. We are dealing with ASD and a personality disorder, that was by far causing the most damage. I'm connected with two Facebook groups now that have helped so much. Where does the most damaging behavior comes from-- is it the ASD or the comorbidity? That will tell you where to start.
The support groups really solidified how fixed the pathology is, and my responsibility in breaking this cycle for my kids. They've had ten years of an abusive marriage, I'm determined the next eight will be stable (or as near as I can make it).
Anonymous
09/13/2021 11:42
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Other advice: asd should marry asd or not marry. Do not have children; they require tons of work and tons of care and tons of verbal communication/connecting.
my in laws are on the spectrum.....I am still shocked at the risks and sheer negligence that my asd husband and his siblings lived through..... It was not healthy, and set up a series of bizarre contexts that compounded his social shortcomings.
Agree. It’s scary. The mindlessness, carelessness, and thoughtlessness is non-stop.
No seatbelts, fingers smaller in doors, too hot or food given to toddlers, lost track of time, bathtubs never drained for 2yo, not age appropriate outings, equipment, bikes, movies, books, zero conversations, no teaching moments, leaves meals out on the table for young kids like they’re dogs that eat my themselves, burning themselves making s’mores with no supervision, etc.
It’s to bad the family court system here doesn’t give two Fs about negligent incapable parent.
This is precisely why I am sticking with the "marriage" and trying to find my own space and healing, create a separate space within to raise our children and help them understand what they are seeing and experiencing. Shared custody would be 10000x worse nightmare.
Ultimately, the ASD spouse is happier tracking separately anyway.
And fingers crossed / knock on wood, after about 18 months of tweaks, I am finding our home is much calmer.
Np. I’m sandwiched with asd spouse who needs prompting and ASD adolescent. He can’t even parent enough to have his kid brush his teeth or shower with soap or shower at all. Asd kid loves it- zero expectations or rules or parenting! Bad habits galore! Therapies unwind themselves when he’s with dad. Ugh.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 11:39
Subject: Asperger marriage
Look for meet up groups as well. All on zoom nowadays
Anonymous
09/13/2021 09:48
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has been a real eye-opening thread. I’ve been with DH for 25 years. Lots of conflict over:
Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues
I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child. He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.
This is exactly why this thread is damaging. Please, please, please educate yourself about these conditions (not on DCUM) and speak to a medical professional before concluding your spouse has a specific disorder. It’s embarrassing to you and dehumanizing to those with autism.
To the poster who is offended whenever anyone suggests autism and being abusive are related... it clearly strikes a nerve and I'm sorry about that. I agree, there are many people with autism out there who are kind, compassionate, pleasant people who don't have an abusive bone in their body. However, they are not who these threads are about.
Some of the traits that go along with autism (and ADHD, which is highly co-morbid) do make it more likely for an individual to become abusive, and there is a subset (maybe a very small one) of autistic people for whom this plays out. It's tough for us living with a partner like this, and leaving would be much more complicated than leaving a "traditional" abusive situation. I find posts like this helpful and somewhat therapeutic. I get good advice, feel that the other posters understand me to a T, and feel less alone. We all paint the exact same picture, and there is a lot of research out there to back it up (and I have done my research, not to blame my DH, but to learn more about my special needs child). Please don't deny my (or other's) reality. I am not denying yours, just saying mine is different than yours.
Unfortunately the same label is being used for both extremes. Imagine if a racial term was used To describe SOME of the people in the group, and the defense was, “sorry, we only mean SOME of those people. Stop being easily offended by the stereotypes being presented.” I mean, in this society, we should KNOW how harmful that line of argument is.
Translation: Abuse victims should shut up because I don't like to hear their realities.
No. Abuse victims should be careful not to abuse a vulnerable group- which is statistically more like to be abused than neurotypical people-while telling their realities.
That's some serious gaslighting.
Abuse victims, ignore this poster.
I think you don’t understand what gaslighting means. No one is denying the abuse they suffered, or saying they are crazy because they suffered it. Instead, the argument is don’t stereotype and drag down a disabled group of people. The qualities listed above are not part of the dsm description of asd persons (though it might describe a particular asd person) and neurotypical people can also share these faults. So shout your story from the rooftops. But if you loop in the whole asd population with it, than you are doing something wrong.
PP, please check out AANE and chat with Grace Myhill. Do the intake questions on the main landing screen. I promise you are not alone, and it is so therapeutic to be amongst others who have experienced these specific things. People outside simply cannot fathom. The role of a spouse is unique, and HFA can be so gentle with others and totally different with spouse. Of course it is not every individual. But your experience is quite common, and you will feel so much better if you find a group who understands it firsthand. It is a huge gift to yourself.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 09:44
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Other advice: asd should marry asd or not marry. Do not have children; they require tons of work and tons of care and tons of verbal communication/connecting.
my in laws are on the spectrum.....I am still shocked at the risks and sheer negligence that my asd husband and his siblings lived through..... It was not healthy, and set up a series of bizarre contexts that compounded his social shortcomings.
Agree. It’s scary. The mindlessness, carelessness, and thoughtlessness is non-stop.
No seatbelts, fingers smaller in doors, too hot or food given to toddlers, lost track of time, bathtubs never drained for 2yo, not age appropriate outings, equipment, bikes, movies, books, zero conversations, no teaching moments, leaves meals out on the table for young kids like they’re dogs that eat my themselves, burning themselves making s’mores with no supervision, etc.
It’s to bad the family court system here doesn’t give two Fs about negligent incapable parent.
This is precisely why I am sticking with the "marriage" and trying to find my own space and healing, create a separate space within to raise our children and help them understand what they are seeing and experiencing. Shared custody would be 10000x worse nightmare.
Ultimately, the ASD spouse is happier tracking separately anyway.
And fingers crossed / knock on wood, after about 18 months of tweaks, I am finding our home is much calmer.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 09:37
Subject: Asperger marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Other advice: asd should marry asd or not marry. Do not have children; they require tons of work and tons of care and tons of verbal communication/connecting.
my in laws are on the spectrum.....I am still shocked at the risks and sheer negligence that my asd husband and his siblings lived through..... It was not healthy, and set up a series of bizarre contexts that compounded his social shortcomings.
Agree. It’s scary. The mindlessness, carelessness, and thoughtlessness is non-stop.
No seatbelts, fingers smaller in doors, too hot or food given to toddlers, lost track of time, bathtubs never drained for 2yo, not age appropriate outings, equipment, bikes, movies, books, zero conversations, no teaching moments, leaves meals out on the table for young kids like they’re dogs that eat my themselves, burning themselves making s’mores with no supervision, etc.
It’s to bad the family court system here doesn’t give two Fs about negligent incapable parent.