Better to get divorced than to "stay together for the kids."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

Divorced parents is one of the best indicators of future divorce. It’s not everything, but it certainly is a data point

This fact is crucially important to the discussion.

(now everyone can pounce and bloviate about this one person they knew who was an exception to the statistical fact).

That’s because if your parents divorced, you’re less likely to feel like divorce is taboo, but if you come from a culture that really frowns on divorce, then it doesn’t feel like an option no matter how miserable you are. That statistic doesn’t necessarily indicate that the quality of marriages are better among people whose parents have never divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

But that’s the woman’s mom divorcing, not the woman. Do you also assume someone will be a spy, thief, or murderer if their parent is?

I don't but the mother's behavior can definitely influence the child's. To ignore that possibility is just short-sighted. Mom normalized terminating marriages. It's not unfair to think that the apple may not fall far from the tree.

Then this applies to the kids of all there judgmental jerks.... their kids will all be judge mental jerks so which should put them in the pool of people you don’t want to marry 👍🏽

The "judgemental" comments are pretty funny. Welcome to selecting a spouse, we all made judgements to do so. Would you have married a homeless person? Would you have married an ex-con? Would you have married an addict? Well, welcome to the judgemental club.

Your examples are not relevant to this conversation. This whole conversation is judging a person marriage worthiness based on their parents marriage. Your examples are all of things that person did themselves, not their parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

But that’s the woman’s mom divorcing, not the woman. Do you also assume someone will be a spy, thief, or murderer if their parent is?

I don't but the mother's behavior can definitely influence the child's. To ignore that possibility is just short-sighted. Mom normalized terminating marriages. It's not unfair to think that the apple may not fall far from the tree.

Then this applies to the kids of all there judgmental jerks.... their kids will all be judge mental jerks so which should put them in the pool of people you don’t want to marry 👍🏽

The "judgemental" comments are pretty funny. Welcome to selecting a spouse, we all made judgements to do so. Would you have married a homeless person? Would you have married an ex-con? Would you have married an addict? Well, welcome to the judgemental club.

You realize those characteristics are higher in some races than others? Why many dont date outside of their race. No judgment there. Fact.

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

So, your thoughts on bastard children, born out of wedlock? They should just go to an orphanage I suppose. Doomed. I can’t imagine a black personality saying this. It would be rare. Do you know how much of the population you would eliminate with that équipement?

Dating amongst the races is so interesting. Some things are just done so differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

But that’s the woman’s mom divorcing, not the woman. Do you also assume someone will be a spy, thief, or murderer if their parent is?

I don't but the mother's behavior can definitely influence the child's. To ignore that possibility is just short-sighted. Mom normalized terminating marriages. It's not unfair to think that the apple may not fall far from the tree.

Then this applies to the kids of all there judgmental jerks.... their kids will all be judge mental jerks so which should put them in the pool of people you don’t want to marry 👍🏽

The "judgemental" comments are pretty funny. Welcome to selecting a spouse, we all made judgements to do so. Would you have married a homeless person? Would you have married an ex-con? Would you have married an addict? Well, welcome to the judgemental club.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a woman who's mother was on husband #3 when we were dating. We drifted apart and several years later ran into each other. Mom was on husband #4. Several years after that, I called mom's number to connect with the woman (that's the only number I had, I lost her number) and husband #4 answered. Guess what he told me - yep, they were divorced as well.

Your fiance's POV is not entirely off base.

But that’s the woman’s mom divorcing, not the woman. Do you also assume someone will be a spy, thief, or murderer if their parent is?

I don't but the mother's behavior can definitely influence the child's. To ignore that possibility is just short-sighted. Mom normalized terminating marriages. It's not unfair to think that the apple may not fall far from the tree.

Then this applies to the kids of all there judgmental jerks.... their kids will all be judge mental jerks so which should put them in the pool of people you don’t want to marry 👍🏽

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

Divorced parents is one of the best indicators of future divorce. It’s not everything, but it certainly is a data point

Yep.

I agree and it was a major Red flag I considered when I was madly in love with my husband when we met. He was adamant his father and mother's volatile crappy marriage and divorce which included alcoholism and cheating meant he would never put his kids through that and he would be married for life, happily---basically give his kids the childhood he never had. Successful, good-looking, ambitious, highly intelligent, perfectionist---everything about him was perfect and were infatuated with one another. 26 years old. That sh*t blew up when our kids were the age he was when his dad walked out. Reading everything I have and talking to therapist., he could not have handled that all on his own. He should have been in therapy as a teen/young adult. Those scars and that trauma get suppressed and learning to compartmentalize and put on a fake persona to everyone (relatives, friends, etc) is engrained in little kids so that it is how they learn to live. Trauma impacts brain development.

Most divorces stem from very dysfunctional homes. That's why this data point is a huge indicator of future divorces, and a lot of time things are just wonderful until that man or woman hits obstacles or feels 'unloved' midlife and all of that sh*t from childhood and learning to escape or dull pain thru sex or booze and run away comes out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

Divorced parents is one of the best indicators of future divorce. It’s not everything, but it certainly is a data point

Yep.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

Divorced parents is one of the best indicators of future divorce. It’s not everything, but it certainly is a data point

This fact is crucially important to the discussion.

(now everyone can pounce and bloviate about this one person they knew who was an exception to the statistical fact).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

Divorced parents is one of the best indicators of future divorce. It’s not everything, but it certainly is a data point

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

But many people live other aspects of their lives this way. Look at how many DCUMers think if they buy a million dollar house, their child will end up in the Ivies.

Anonymous wrote:It is an immature thought.

You cannot make your marriage "divorce-proof" by only dating those whose parents are still together.

This. It's like the person doesn't actually want to do the work of marriage. Thinks if they marry the right person they can be on auto pilot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lot of people saying the fiancé is wrong and trying to make themselves feel better since they are the children of divorce or justifying the fact their children are now products of divorce.

+1

I am happily married for 30 yrs and most of my friends are also happily married. We all have come from intact marriages and our life is drama free as far as broken families are concerned. I would never want my kids to marry children of broken families. However, what can you do if they find a person who is a product of such a home? No one knows what happens in the future. I keep telling my kids to not rush into having kids. Marry a person and really evaluate them for a few years to determine if they will be good parents. Don't bring kids into the world and then divorce. You cannot get along with a person then you should divorce them before having kids.

I followed all of this advice. Our two sets of parents are both still together after more than 50 years. My husband was a real family man and a very devoted father until his midlife crisis. Then it was like a switch flipped. He decided that having a career and kids and only one sexual partner was boring. He left so he could live like a 20 something, childless bachelor. Sometimes you do everything right and still end up with a spouse who just doesn’t want to be married anymore. You should do everything in your power to have a happy marriage — but also know that some things are beyond your control.

I'm willing to bet there were signs all along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if your or his parents get divorced while you are married?

I guess they have to get divorced too. LOL. Seriously, can't wait to hear the answers to this.

You cant be this dumb