Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are anonymous here, I will admit that I would not want my DDs marrying anyone who grew up in a culture where abuse of women and children is common--that certainly includes someone who grew up poor and white (we are white). That stuff is VERY hard to move past. Yes, I realize abuse happens in all parts of society--but it is much more prevalent in certain cultures than others. I would not want them marrying a man who was around it as a child--it's way too engrained.

It’s fine to not want your child to marry someone who grew up in a family with abuse, but abuse is not a part of any “culture” and you are racist if you believe that certain races or ethnicities have a culture than suppers abuse.

—POC married into wealthy white family where ILs tell stories that sound like abuse to me

I attended a very well-known Maryland all girls prep school. Every year, juniors and seniors attended an assembly on domestic abuse because it was so common in that wealthy and mostly white community. Then, we’d have a half-day because so many girls were distraught realizing what they were witnessing happening to their moms was abuse.

And to the people who say they aren’t attracted to a certain race, you are bigots.

Values, goals, belief systems, among other things, are what matter, not race, in a spouse. Find someone who shares these things with you, and you will be set for life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And I asked you one. Feel free to answer it. You seem to have a higher bar for an online conversation than you do for dating.

Found the other racist.

Ok, groomer.

What the F is a “groomer?”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just being honest, the Indian kids at my DD’s high school only sat with one another at school. They spoke in Hindu to each other. They weren’t allowed to hang around with “other” kids outside of school, let alone date them.

I grew up in this area in the late 90s & graduated from HS in 00. It was that way even back then.

Asians hung out with Asians and dated Asians.
Indians hung out and dated Indians.
Black kids hung out and dated Black kids.
Jewish kids hung out and dated the other Jews.
The segment that was the most broken up was the white kids. Within the white kids you had the smart white kids, ghetto white kids, band geeks, theater nerds, stoners, rich white kids, jocks, etc. But again, those segments didn't interact with each other or date each other.

There were hints of that at my northern Va high school in the late 90s, but it wasn’t that clear cut. I’m white and my two best friends were Korean and Black. We also had kids who were hispanic, Iranian, and a couple other white kids in our larger friend group of 10 or so.

But then I went to college and it was weird. All of the clubs and organizations and even some “interest houses” were intentionally divided straight down race and culture lines. It just seemed like segregation to me.

Is it still like this? It doesn't seem to be the case in elementary school but we still go to a pretty international school.

I think it makes sense to want to marry someone of the same religion or culture but to refuse to marry outside of your own race? or worse, refuse to have your kids marry outside of your race? that's messed up. BTW, I am Latina and married an American white dude. Our cultural differences have never been an issue. We are both atheists though. I think religion/belief system (as shown in this thread) seems most important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just being honest, the Indian kids at my DD’s high school only sat with one another at school. They spoke in Hindu to each other. They weren’t allowed to hang around with “other” kids outside of school, let alone date them.

I grew up in this area in the late 90s & graduated from HS in 00. It was that way even back then.

Asians hung out with Asians and dated Asians.
Indians hung out and dated Indians.
Black kids hung out and dated Black kids.
Jewish kids hung out and dated the other Jews.
The segment that was the most broken up was the white kids. Within the white kids you had the smart white kids, ghetto white kids, band geeks, theater nerds, stoners, rich white kids, jocks, etc. But again, those segments didn't interact with each other or date each other.

There were hints of that at my northern Va high school in the late 90s, but it wasn’t that clear cut. I’m white and my two best friends were Korean and Black. We also had kids who were hispanic, Iranian, and a couple other white kids in our larger friend group of 10 or so.

But then I went to college and it was weird. All of the clubs and organizations and even some “interest houses” were intentionally divided straight down race and culture lines. It just seemed like segregation to me.

No, it isn't.

Soon after college I dated an AA woman and it was pretty serious but her parents and siblings discouraged her from getting very serious because of the challenges that mixed race couples face. Her parents actually liked me so I never considered their concern to be racist. We eventually split up for other reasons.

Anonymous wrote:Refusing to give a person of another race a chance, based solely on their skin color, is absolutely racism.

Exactly this.

I'm not sure how there are like 20 pages of comments here and apparently nobody has realized the distinction between preference and discrimination.

Do you find yourself more attracted to people of your same race physically? Do you find it more comfortable to be with a partner whose culture is more similar to yours? That's completely natural and not racist at all. (Unless the cultural difference causes you to be uncomfortable because you see it as having to partake in an inferior culture)

Would you refuse to date someone who you find physically attractive and emotionally compatible simply because they are a different race? That's racist as hell.

Refusing? Yes, racist.

Preferring not to? No, normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are anonymous here, I will admit that I would not want my DDs marrying anyone who grew up in a culture where abuse of women and children is common--that certainly includes someone who grew up poor and white (we are white). That stuff is VERY hard to move past. Yes, I realize abuse happens in all parts of society--but it is much more prevalent in certain cultures than others. I would not want them marrying a man who was around it as a child--it's way too engrained.

It’s fine to not want your child to marry someone who grew up in a family with abuse, but abuse is not a part of any “culture” and you are racist if you believe that certain races or ethnicities have a culture than suppers abuse.

—POC married into wealthy white family where ILs tell stories that sound like abuse to me

Um to be blunt middle eastern cultures that don't let women show their faces are abusive by definition. So are religions that believe that a woman's place is to churn out babies and be available to please her husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's more to do with culture than racism - hard to have a relationship when you have completely different values and attitudes as someone.

+1. I dated an African-American woman, and we got along great (I am while as you would suspect). I never really felt comfortable with her family gatherings, though. Maybe I am racist, but I just could not relate well. This was many years ago and that did not cause our dating to end, but I wonder if it would have if the relationship continued to develop. She also told me she felt out of place with my family. I don't see her as racist. Different families, different races, different cultures, too. I don't know. Maybe we just try to label things too much.

I think this a pretty common experience.

My first H was white and Jewish. He never felt comfortable with my family although it is very racially mixed and welcoming. It was frustrating that my family had Asian immigrant women marry in and feel comfortable with attending predominantly black events, but he never did. I think the bigger issue for us was religion, rather than race. We just didn’t have any glue unfortunately.

I agree. My parents are both black and I saw that they were raised differently with my dad’s family being from the South and moving around as a military family and my mom’s family coming here from Jamaica (my grandparents were raised there) and settling in NYC. My DH is white and I think the fact his mom’s parents grew up in NYC like my mom and that both our moms are teachers gave our families a common bond. We also agree on religion - neither of us are overly religious although we have our kids in religious school.

To some extent though, each person has to be willing to be “the only” when you socialize with friends and families from one side because often our friends and families are the same racial background. To the PP that never felt 100% comfortable with ex-girlfriend’s family and vice-versa, I think ultimately if the relationship had worked out, each of you would have needed to be willing to put the other first as a team. With the PP that was frustrated with Ex-DH, was it that he wasn’t comfortable or that he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t make the effort?

Anonymous wrote:Because we are anonymous here, I will admit that I would not want my DDs marrying anyone who grew up in a culture where abuse of women and children is common--that certainly includes someone who grew up poor and white (we are white). That stuff is VERY hard to move past. Yes, I realize abuse happens in all parts of society--but it is much more prevalent in certain cultures than others. I would not want them marrying a man who was around it as a child--it's way too engrained.

It’s fine to not want your child to marry someone who grew up in a family with abuse, but abuse is not a part of any “culture” and you are racist if you believe that certain races or ethnicities have a culture than suppers abuse.

—POC married into wealthy white family where ILs tell stories that sound like abuse to me

Anonymous wrote:OP, many cultures are neurotically attached to ''traditions'' from 300 years ago.

Something newly created is surely more likely to merit the quotes, given that the very definition of tradition requires being rooted in past practice.