As part of both short and long term planning, it could help to consult with a geriatric social worker about resources and options. I’m not clear where the OP and his parents live, but in the DC area JCA could be very helpful as a resource. JCA also has a day program in Rockville and provides a range of supportive services.

I think it could make sense for OP, his sister and their father to have a family conference to determine what resources they can each consistently provide. One plan could be to hire a care giver for the next few months - which could allow them time to find an appropriate day program- which could allow them time to work towards alternatives for long term care.

This is really difficult stuff to plan for an implement. I applaud the OP’s wife for setting appropriate boundaries- so that the OP and his family of origin can realistically assess their resources and commitment to his mother’s ongoing needs and care.

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife is doing your whole family a favor, OP.

The level of dementia your mom has is unlikely to be handled well with check ins. It will get worse. You and your sister and dad want to pretend otherwise. All of you need to come up with a long term plan NOW while you have a little bit of time. You need to look into nursing homes or adult daycare centers, something. It sounds like you, your sister and your dad want to stick your heads in the sand and pretend that if you “pitch in” everything would be okay. It’s not.

All of you need to wake up.

+1. This family is enabling and denial all the way down--except the wife.

OP, your dad is in denial about how impaired your mom is and how much help they need. Your sister is in denial about what she owes to whom (which isn't surprising because shutting off her perception of that is probably how she managed to stay married to your alcoholic BIL).

You have a choice here about whether you ask your wife to join this denial and the enabling that results in it, or whether you will accept her reasonable boundary for the health of your nuclear family--the one you formed with her by choice. Make the right choice.

If I were your wife, I'd be willing to state my objections and then set them aside pay for this for a month to get your mom used to the caregiver who comes in. Whatever needs to be done to get her cooperative with that caregiver would have to be done in that time. It is WAY too much strain on everyone else in your household, probably including your kids, otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:This might be a weird and only a temporary solution, but how about nanny cams, in the house, and then takes turns monitoring her, on your phones, on days nobody can visit. This would be more helpful if there neighbors who be called if there was a problem.

Or those alexa portals where you can drop in and talk with video

Op, your wife has a full time hard job. Pay some one to look after your mom. It makes no sense to put your kids in day care so you can spend time with your mom. Plus no day cares and camps are open.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife is doing your whole family a favor, OP.

The level of dementia your mom has is unlikely to be handled well with check ins. It will get worse. You and your sister and dad want to pretend otherwise. All of you need to come up with a long term plan NOW while you have a little bit of time. You need to look into nursing homes or adult daycare centers, something. It sounds like you, your sister and your dad want to stick your heads in the sand and pretend that if you “pitch in” everything would be okay. It’s not.

All of you need to wake up.

The wife either needs to help this family find a placement for her MIL or she can STFU. No, she is not being helpful. She's be obstructive and unhelpful as a matter of fact. What kind of a woman (a social worker of all things!) guilts her husband for wanting to help his own mother?

While I agree that Mom probably does need some sort of LtC facility, that isn't going to happen overnight and in the meantime Dad needs help. He can not do this all alone.

OP wants to spend $10,000/year AND keep their kids in childcare for 11+ hours a day so he can help his mom. Indirectly, his absence also means the wife will be alone handling much of the family responsibilities because he would be gone 4 evenings a week. That’s a crazy plan. It’s a very expensive band aid that does not solve the problem. Plus it puts the entirety of the burden on OP and his wife and their children. All so this family can pretend everything is okay when it’s obviously not. Sister and dad need a realistic plan.

Why doesn't somebody guilt the sister who has more money and who greatly benefited from Op's mother looking after her kids. Sure, Op can help but he shouldn't be responsible for more days and more cost than his sister. Not to mention the plan is unworkable and will increase the workload for his wife. No, Op's mother made a choice to sacrifice her time and money to help her daughter. I am sure she had her reasons. But a consequence of that choice is not having a DIL willing to help her when she needed it. May OP's wife would be more willing to compromise if OP was more reasonable in his expectations and if he actually forced his sister and father to meet their obligations, not dump them on him.

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife is doing your whole family a favor, OP.

The level of dementia your mom has is unlikely to be handled well with check ins. It will get worse. You and your sister and dad want to pretend otherwise. All of you need to come up with a long term plan NOW while you have a little bit of time. You need to look into nursing homes or adult daycare centers, something. It sounds like you, your sister and your dad want to stick your heads in the sand and pretend that if you “pitch in” everything would be okay. It’s not.

All of you need to wake up.

The wife either needs to help this family find a placement for her MIL or she can STFU. No, she is not being helpful. She's be obstructive and unhelpful as a matter of fact. What kind of a woman (a social worker of all things!) guilts her husband for wanting to help his own mother?

While I agree that Mom probably does need some sort of LtC facility, that isn't going to happen overnight and in the meantime Dad needs help. He can not do this all alone.

Your wife is doing your whole family a favor, OP.

The level of dementia your mom has is unlikely to be handled well with check ins. It will get worse. You and your sister and dad want to pretend otherwise. All of you need to come up with a long term plan NOW while you have a little bit of time. You need to look into nursing homes or adult daycare centers, something. It sounds like you, your sister and your dad want to stick your heads in the sand and pretend that if you “pitch in” everything would be okay. It’s not.

All of you need to wake up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry about your situation, OP.

Your wife seems to be a person who does not recognize how she in injuring her own relationship with you.

All I can say is that I am embarrassed for your wife. Helping a little bit now allows your dad to be more financially secure and less of a burden on you down the road.

I agree with this poster. Your wife seems to have extreme bitterness at SIL. The reality is SIL is married to a deadbeat alcoholic and your Mom picked up the pieces for the kids.

Yeah, I can't say that I'm too impressed by that social worker she-biotch of a wife. What a joke to her own trade.

This might be a weird and only a temporary solution, but how about nanny cams, in the house, and then takes turns monitoring her, on your phones, on days nobody can visit. This would be more helpful if there neighbors who be called if there was a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Paying $40/day and traveling so much just to check on your mother for a few minutes is stupid.

If I were your wife, I would put my foot down too even if you didn’t have siblings to help.

1. Tweak med schedule so your mother can stay until your father comes home. Magnesium supplements are a good idea.

2. Hire a neighbor (retiree, high schooler, college student) to check on your mother. $10/hr.

3. Work on getting your mother in a nursing home. There are waiting lists, so plan now.

OMG. You do NOT pay a high schooler $10/hr to check in on a medically fragile elderly person!

DCUM...where a nanny must have a PHD and be fluent in 5 languages to watch your sleeping child while you and your spouse go on a dinner date---but let any random 16 year old provide medical care for the elderly.

Anonymous wrote:So sorry about your situation, OP.

Your wife seems to be a person who does not recognize how she in injuring her own relationship with you.

All I can say is that I am embarrassed for your wife. Helping a little bit now allows your dad to be more financially secure and less of a burden on you down the road.

I agree with this poster. Your wife seems to have extreme bitterness at SIL. The reality is SIL is married to a deadbeat alcoholic and your Mom picked up the pieces for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op how far is your sister from your parents house? Does she work?

You have said that your sister is now in a great financial place probably from not having to pay childcare.

Your sister needs to do at least 3 days. She can opt to pay for help for one of those days if she needs to.

That will leave two days between you and your dad which I think will be easier to manage.

Back your wife on this one. She is telling you she has reached her limit. You just want her to quit complaining and go along with you, the sort of resentment that will lead to will stay in your marriage for a long time.

This is early days yet, your mother will need far more care in the years to come so go easy now because it's only going to get harder. Listen to your wife. Tell your sister that you can't manage it at the moment.

This is good advice.

Bad advice. Sister has offered 2 days. That is what she can do. Op should do 2 days, also. They can come up with a plan B for the other day.

Mom providing childcare to sister's kids was between sis and Mom. You are confusing that childcare arrangement into meaning that the sister now OWES her mom eldercare - sister never agreed to those terms but Mom did agree to provide childcare. Two different things.

The other thing that is not your business is what you think your sister can afford. That is her business and her budget. You don't get to decide what she pays. She decides that. If she is ahead financially now and married to an alcoholic to boot than good for her. She has climbed some mountains to accomplish what she has whether you like her or not.

Now for what IS actually Op's business: How do we best help out dad while he figures out a long term care plan for **our** mother. Obviously, your spouses are not helpful people and should not be included in this conversation.

Your poor dad. He is clearly going through hell right now. Help that man.

So sorry about your situation, OP.

Your wife seems to be a person who does not recognize how she in injuring her own relationship with you.

All I can say is that I am embarrassed for your wife. Helping a little bit now allows your dad to be more financially secure and less of a burden on you down the road.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else predict that OP and his wife will divorce? I'm not wishing that on them, but if OP's posts are any indication, his expectation is that she should STFU and do whatever he wants and anything less makes her the bad guy, even though SIL and BIL aren't willing to step up.

You are a bigger drama queen than OP.

OP is probably a troll.

No, bitch, I'm been married to a "man" just like OP and after awhile, it gets real old.

GFY.