Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on your field in BigLaw. My DH was in Corporate/VC/M&A and was at two different firms. The partners were all miserable, even the rainmakers. The rainmakers were slightly less miserable because of the money, but still miserable. There is no time off, no vacation. They are fine with you taking a vacation, it doesn't bother them, because they are going to email and call you like you are working from home.

After DH left the second firm, he was asked to meet with some of the partners to discuss their retention issue as several other mid to senior associates left within a year of DH. The funny thing was that none of the partners proposed solutions to the issue involved lawyers working less or getting paid more.

Get out as soon as you can. And never look back. My DH left once, was dissatisfied with his job in the private sector, decided to try firm #2 (his outside counsel recruited him) and only made it one year at firm two before realizing it was not worth it.

OP taking a break from the middle of a particularly shitty day - this is a good representation of what I'm feeling right now. I think it was the 6 hours billed on Christmas that did me in. It never stops.

Today has been bad, mental health wise. I may take a PP's advice and try to get out sooner rather than later and pay loans less aggressively. Unfortunately I'm in a somewhat niche area where there just aren't a ton of directly relevant spots, but can start looking at least.

Even just scheduling a call with a recruiter will help. It's good to know you have options.

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on your field in BigLaw. My DH was in Corporate/VC/M&A and was at two different firms. The partners were all miserable, even the rainmakers. The rainmakers were slightly less miserable because of the money, but still miserable. There is no time off, no vacation. They are fine with you taking a vacation, it doesn't bother them, because they are going to email and call you like you are working from home.

After DH left the second firm, he was asked to meet with some of the partners to discuss their retention issue as several other mid to senior associates left within a year of DH. The funny thing was that none of the partners proposed solutions to the issue involved lawyers working less or getting paid more.

Get out as soon as you can. And never look back. My DH left once, was dissatisfied with his job in the private sector, decided to try firm #2 (his outside counsel recruited him) and only made it one year at firm two before realizing it was not worth it.

OP taking a break from the middle of a particularly shitty day - this is a good representation of what I'm feeling right now. I think it was the 6 hours billed on Christmas that did me in. It never stops.

Today has been bad, mental health wise. I may take a PP's advice and try to get out sooner rather than later and pay loans less aggressively. Unfortunately I'm in a somewhat niche area where there just aren't a ton of directly relevant spots, but can start looking at least.

Anonymous wrote:Biglaw really is terrible. I am so glad I got out. And let me offer this from the other side. While it's true that many men in Biglaw with families (including me) had wives who stayed home and did "everything" it's not exactly rosy for those men. Being in that position has its own stresses, such as the tremendous pressure and feelings of heavy responsibility that comes with being the sole breadwinner making so much money. Talk about feeling stuck. It's a terrible feeling.

I know, I know. I'm a man, and my wife stayed home. By definition, I'm entitled to no sympathy on DCUM. I'm just a selfish pig.

You're not a pig. You're honest. And I'm a woman who worked in BigLaw with DH who is now a partner at another firm.

I think it really depends on your field in BigLaw. My DH was in Corporate/VC/M&A and was at two different firms. The partners were all miserable, even the rainmakers. The rainmakers were slightly less miserable because of the money, but still miserable. There is no time off, no vacation. They are fine with you taking a vacation, it doesn't bother them, because they are going to email and call you like you are working from home.

After DH left the second firm, he was asked to meet with some of the partners to discuss their retention issue as several other mid to senior associates left within a year of DH. The funny thing was that none of the partners proposed solutions to the issue involved lawyers working less or getting paid more.

Get out as soon as you can. And never look back. My DH left once, was dissatisfied with his job in the private sector, decided to try firm #2 (his outside counsel recruited him) and only made it one year at firm two before realizing it was not worth it.

OP, outsource as much "housework" as humanely possible -with your good salary - so spouse doesn't become resentful.
Accept that you have this life. It's no/little free time. It is what it is. Your baby's doing fine. If you're marriage is doing ok and you are going ok, you're golden. This is your life for now.

I’m impressed with how aggressively you’re paying down the loans. I consolidated when DC was born and I still haven’t finished paying those loans off. But it did reduce my stress level at the time.

You’ll know when you’ve had enough OP. Just find another job before you leave the first one. That can take some time. Network, network, network.

Two parents in big law. We make it work by sharing the mental load equally. Outsourcing what we can (housekeeping, childcare, cooking) so that the time we have with kids is quality time. We are fulfilled professionally and personally. You can do it - the baby years are short and the long term rewards of becoming more senior and having a ton of flexibility are so worth it for us. Good luck to you either way!

OP whatever you do don’t go part time. They will pay you part time, you will work full time & they will never promote you.

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m in biglaw with two kids. I had my first in law school so I’ve never known it any other way.

A nanny won’t necessarily make it better especially since your baby is doing well. Nannies have sick days, vacations, and also a quitting time just like a closing daycare.

I personally can’t leave at 5 so I don’t do pickup. My workflow just would never allow that. I have an au pair but it sounds like your DH can do it.

IME law firms are relatively chill about you coming in late. I’d keep using your mornings like you do but stay later so you’re not up til midnight every night.

Juniors should not be giving you shit. Not all firms have that kind of defective culture. I have moved firms twice making sure my culture is working for me. Just because you want to leave your firm doesn’t mean you need to leave biglaw and the paycheck.

This is important to keep in mind. Sh**ty managers are what make Big Whatever jobs untenable. I busted my rear end in Management Consulting for 3.5 years after having DC and finally realized I was going to keep getting passed over for childless colleagues - but was still expected to jump on email requests 24/7. Left for a more senior role in a slightly smaller company and it's night and day.

This is exactly why I left biglaw to go to the federal government and haven't looked back. For me, it was the right thing to do with a young family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't realize that. How many years do you have left on that loan?

About 11 months! Minimum payment is less, but I try to dump in as much as I can.

NP here but it sounds like you owe about $77K or $80K to make it even. You could also refinance the loans and just pay a little less each month if you wanted to. I mean, this is your health and sanity we're talking about here. Also, you said your DH left private practice but he probably makes at least $100K and you probably would make at least $100K if you went elsewhere too. Maybe you pay off the loans in 2 or 3 years instead of one but that's not the end of the world.

Anyways, certainly stay if you want to but maybe it takes some pressure off you knowing that you don't have to stay if you don't want to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't realize that. How many years do you have left on that loan?

About 11 months! Minimum payment is less, but I try to dump in as much as I can.

That’s great! So you’re not “stuck forever,” there’s an end in sight. I would pay off your loans and, as you come to the end of your loan balance, start looking for something in-house, government, etc. Something to give you closer to regular working hours.

It sucks and is really hard now, but I think with lots of help (nanny, but also cleaning service, meal delivery service, etc. if you’re not already doing it), you can get through it and move on to greener pastures. Good luck!

JD above said "you never know how long it will take you to leave." yes. It took me 2 years to leave a job and OP, you don't sound like you want to SAH but rather have a "normal" working life. Make time for networking. At least a lunch a week...possible?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just take a leave of absence while you raise your child? Big law is NOT worth it. The $$$ is not worth it.

Because I pay ~7k a month to student loans. Mistakes were made.

Oh, I'm sorry--I didn't realize that. How many years do you have left on that loan?

About 11 months! Minimum payment is less, but I try to dump in as much as I can.

That is awesome. If I were you I'd get out as soon as the loans are paid off. There is always a reason to stay, but unless you absolutely adore your work, you will be much happier just about anywhere else that has reasonable hours and a decent salary. Like another poster, I was also at "family-friendly" A&P, and literally no one from my associate class is still there. And neither are many of the partners I worked for. I left 9 years ago, a month after my loans were paid off, and I don't regret it at all. I took more than a 50% pay cut to go to the government as a GS-13, but 9 years later, I am a supervisory GS-15 litigator with a flexible job. I work 45-50 hours a week, with one day of telework, and if I don't hit my hours in the office, I put in some time at night or on the weekends when the kids are in bed -- but I don't mind it because it's my choice to do that. I love my work, I love my colleagues. I make a little over 150k. Small change compared what I could make at the firm but probably half the hours and less than half the stress. With young kids (kindergarten and preschool), it's so worth it. Yes, I wish I'd made more money so we could afford a bigger house, but I am so glad I got out when I did. DH did the same (left before I did in fact) and he is equally happy. Of everyone I know who left Biglaw, which is dozens of people, only one admits to regretting it -- and she had gone to DOJ where she worked the same hours on the same sorts of cases but made half the money. So she went back. And she does not have kids so she's not a true comparator.

Also, you never know how long it will take you to leave. You might as well start networking and keeping an eye out for opportunities now, since you already know you don't want to be a lifer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for all of the advice/supportive comments. I'm still working through them.

Want to note one thing - I have no desire to make partner. Zero. I want to pay back my loans and learn as much as I can before going to the next thing.

keep your eye on the prize lady. do it.

This is real light at the end of the tunnel! I agree that this is by far the hardest time to be juggling everything, but you're making serious progress on your loan and that's no small thing! I agree with everyone saying you should get a nanny or maybe an evening helper depending on your and your DH's schedules. Just outsource to get through this last slog.