Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 16:00     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no one wants to parent this guy, and you just want to take out your resentment on him. And look, you have plenty of good reason to resent the spoiled brat. But it’s his dad’s fault. When he was 16 or 17, his dad should have taken him aside and said, “Look, you’re not a little kid anymore. In our family, we give gifts to each other. I expect you to be budgeting for at least a small gift for every member of the family. That’s what we do.”

Sure, it should be obvious. But when a kid has been spoiled all his life, you can’t put 100% of the blame on him for being entitled and selfish.

He’s lived with you for a full year in the past. If no one is willing g to have an adult conversation with him, you should. Call him up and say, “Look, Joey, I want to apologize for putting you on the spot at Grandma’s about presents. It has frustrated me for years that you take gifts but don’t give them to anyone in your family, and I know it’s not really my place to say something, and I kind of snapped in frustration . Thot wasn’t fair to you because there was nothing you could do on the spot to fix it. But look, someone really should have said this to you years ago, so I’m just going to say it now. You’re an adult. All of the adults I. Your family give each other gifts at Christmas. For next Christmas you should plan to give a gift to everyone on Christmas Eve. I am sorry not one has ever told you that before. It was wrong of me to say it the way I did the other night.”


This! Apologize. But don’t tell him he has to buy gifts for everyone. You can say, it would mean a lot to your grandparents to get a card, or something like that. Small shows of appreciation can be nice, but no need to enforce a tradition of buying things.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:47     Subject: Re:26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Many of the PP on this thread are clearly projecting or have never been in the situation. My 21 year old SD sounds very similar to the OP’s SS. She takes full advantage of my husband (which he clearly allows) and does not reciprocate any birthday or holiday gifts. It is very hurtful to me that she shows no appreciation or gratitude towards my husband. I have been in her life since she was 6, my husband had primary custody of her. To the posters stating that the stepmother did not have a right to be upset or say anything, you clearly have never been in the situation. I would not say anything to my SD but I definitely speak to my husband about it.


Your husband and his former wife failed her as a parent and she doesn't owe them much. A broken childhood, and you want gifts?


I am not sure what you are saying. Are you saying it would have been better to stay in an unhealthy relationship? Life does not always turn out the way we dreamed, things happen. That does not give anyone an excuse to lack gratitude.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:24     Subject: Re:26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:Many of the PP on this thread are clearly projecting or have never been in the situation. My 21 year old SD sounds very similar to the OP’s SS. She takes full advantage of my husband (which he clearly allows) and does not reciprocate any birthday or holiday gifts. It is very hurtful to me that she shows no appreciation or gratitude towards my husband. I have been in her life since she was 6, my husband had primary custody of her. To the posters stating that the stepmother did not have a right to be upset or say anything, you clearly have never been in the situation. I would not say anything to my SD but I definitely speak to my husband about it.


Lol. I’ll bet pretty much every PP that has responded understands this situation from personal experience. In my case, my mother is a stepmother and she fits the stereotype completely. Not your child, PP. Sorry.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:22     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
OP, for your next gift to your stepson, get him a copy of this:


Emily Post's Etiquette, 19th Edition: Manners for Today
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:20     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Your issue shouldn’t be with your stepson, it should be with the people who raised him. Why are you not cursing out your husband about this? Why not his mom? It’s up to them to rectify their mistake, not you.

That being said, if the gifts are only being given with the expectation of reciprocation, you probably ought to stop buying him gifts. That’s not supposed to be why you give a gift to someone.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:19     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Maybe propose a "white elephant" exchange? Most 20 year olds are tired of receiving scarves, and they really don't need gift cards if they have their own jobs. They also hate buying little piddly presents for other people. A white elephant exchange for all solves the problem. People can choose whether to participate or not. No one else gets a gift. Either this, or Secret Santa.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:18     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:Good grief, could you make it any more difficult? Why not just STOP the gift giving. These are adults, they dont need to be getting gifts. Make it a family meal, bring food, a cake, heck he can even stop by the store and bring potato chips. And if he doesnt? Oh well, no big deal, he can still eat


Except this is not OP's event. She doesn't get to decide how other people host their families at Christmas. So the next step is telling the grandmother how she should interact with her own child and grandchildren at Christmas, in her own house?
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:14     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
This wasn't even at your house?!?!!?

HAHAHA, they are all family except you, and this is how you are acting?!
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:14     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
OP sounds like she is angry at DH and his parents.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:12     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:Good grief, could you make it any more difficult? Why not just STOP the gift giving. These are adults, they dont need to be getting gifts. Make it a family meal, bring food, a cake, heck he can even stop by the store and bring potato chips. And if he doesnt? Oh well, no big deal, he can still eat


This is at the grandparents’ house, not OP’s. She does NOT get to dictate whether they give presents and have a nice meal for their son and grandchildren. OP needs to mind HER manners.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:06     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Good grief, could you make it any more difficult? Why not just STOP the gift giving. These are adults, they dont need to be getting gifts. Make it a family meal, bring food, a cake, heck he can even stop by the store and bring potato chips. And if he doesnt? Oh well, no big deal, he can still eat
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 15:04     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
OP, the way you handled it was great. It would have been better had his dad said it. But now that you've said something, let it go. You planted a seed that hopefully will germinate into him actually taking initiative and bringing presents for others next year.

To continue to stew about it would be overreacting.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 14:59     Subject: 26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess your DH didn't raise him right.


This. He didn’t get this way all by himself.


Or he was raised right because in their family parents and grandparents don’t get presents.

I have a branch of our family that does not give gift to kids once they graduate from college. No more gifts gifts are for children. All the adults do a service project together. That is how they decided to do xmas. You can’t tell others families how to do xmas.

Some families pick names.


His sister gives gifts. And the other relatives agree with stepmom but are afraid to speak up.


Where does the OP say that?

"I made that comment to him and am done with it, but am just still so angry and frustrated at his blatant selfishness. His grandmother and I had a conversation about it and she just sighed and shrugged her shoulders. His dad is upset about it too, but won't say anything to him either."

Doesn't sound like the grandmother is upset. I bet she sighed and shrugged her shoulders because she was sick of the OP's constant bitching and criticizing. Probably dad doesn't say anything to him because he's fine with it, too. OP sounds high strung and aggressive. Not fun to have around at a family Christmas gathering, no matter how many gifts she brings.


Exactly. In our family Christmas with my parents and siblings, there are four grandchildren (all young adults in their 20s). From the time they were born, the gifts have flowed downward. You know how parents love to watch their children open presents and dom’t get around to opening their own until later on? Well, we all still enjoy watching the younger ones opening their gifts. We really don’t need anything at this point in our lives. I think OP is introducing discord into a pleasant family tradition for no reason.
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 14:58     Subject: Re:26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Anonymous wrote:Many of the PP on this thread are clearly projecting or have never been in the situation. My 21 year old SD sounds very similar to the OP’s SS. She takes full advantage of my husband (which he clearly allows) and does not reciprocate any birthday or holiday gifts. It is very hurtful to me that she shows no appreciation or gratitude towards my husband. I have been in her life since she was 6, my husband had primary custody of her. To the posters stating that the stepmother did not have a right to be upset or say anything, you clearly have never been in the situation. I would not say anything to my SD but I definitely speak to my husband about it.


Your husband and his former wife failed her as a parent and she doesn't owe them much. A broken childhood, and you want gifts?
Anonymous
Post 12/28/2019 14:53     Subject: Re:26 year old step son happily receives Christmas gifts but NEVER reciprocates
Many of the PP on this thread are clearly projecting or have never been in the situation. My 21 year old SD sounds very similar to the OP’s SS. She takes full advantage of my husband (which he clearly allows) and does not reciprocate any birthday or holiday gifts. It is very hurtful to me that she shows no appreciation or gratitude towards my husband. I have been in her life since she was 6, my husband had primary custody of her. To the posters stating that the stepmother did not have a right to be upset or say anything, you clearly have never been in the situation. I would not say anything to my SD but I definitely speak to my husband about it.