Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is wrong for wanting as much help as possible, but I think she might be disappointed if she has a 24/7 nanny and only weekly housecleaning! She needs a combination of a night nurse, a day nanny, a housekeeper, and ideally someone else to prepare meals (like delivered meal service, or chef that comes to your home once a week and prepares 4 days of food at once). Honestly, OP, my advice is to make sure you outsource the drudgery and not the fun.

+1

And ignore the PPs who shame you for wanting help. You have the money and honestly they don't understand what it's like to be in your situation. Your traded a lot to have that income, it is clear.

I can also see some resentment of your DH OP in this request. That is understandable, but just know it and own it.

I think you should be more strategic and get help that will last longer so you can stop being as resentful that your DH doesn't do anything. Get a cleaner to come 3-4 times/week and have that person do laundry as well. Get a part time nanny to come help with both the baby and the toddler alternating and keep that nanny going forward so you can regularly leave the house until both are in school. I recommend looking for such a person now so it isn't a change when # 2 is born. And ask for a night nurse 3-4 times a week for 3 months or so.

Point out to your husband that you need this time to be in great shape and stay looking and feeling good to keep your family the way he envisioned. I am guessing that is part of the bargain. If you are home all day like he envisioned you are going to be frazzled and wearing sweats and will not be back at the gym. But of course take some time for you.

And get a therapist to work on your feelings about #2 and your family. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it is true that you can't change your husband, only how you handle the situation. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need more help with cleaning. I’m a night nurse and do not do any type of cleaning- not even bottles. Unless you hire a doula, you will be doing cleaning, making meals and laundry while I spend time with your newborn.

I had multiple different night nurses help me out on a temporary basis when my twins were born and they all washed baby bottles. I don’t even know how you could argue that that’s not part of the job. You’re taking care of baby’s needs, and one of those needs is eating.

I’m in Los Angeles and all families have full time housekeepers, so no that’s not my job.

Do you also refuse to change diapers because you might get your hands dirty?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Of course you didn't, you are at work during the day and not in the house with an active toddler and a newborn all day. I swear, women are so cruel here.

I work from home, so I am home with my kids all day, along with our wonderful nanny who makes sure they are occupied during my calls/meetings with clients, etc. I alone make more than her husband and my husband is a surgeon, so we have tons of options. All I said is a 24/7 baby nurse is absurd, even if you are rich. I know a lot of rich people raising kids and 5 out of 10 barely know their children because someone else is raising them....that is just not the way I roll.

Your way is not the only way, O Smug One.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Of course you didn't, you are at work during the day and not in the house with an active toddler and a newborn all day. I swear, women are so cruel here.

I work from home, so I am home with my kids all day, along with our wonderful nanny who makes sure they are occupied during my calls/meetings with clients, etc. I alone make more than her husband and my husband is a surgeon, so we have tons of options. All I said is a 24/7 baby nurse is absurd, even if you are rich. I know a lot of rich people raising kids and 5 out of 10 barely know their children because someone else is raising them....that is just not the way I roll.

I can understand the argument that 24/7 help may be too intrusive. But I can't believe amount of martyrdom here. At their income level, they can more than afford substantial household and childcare help. There are no prizes for martyrdom or suffering more when you don't have to.

I would do 20 daytime hrs a week for household help (light cleaning, cooking, groceries, etc). And I would hire a night nurse for 8 hrs a night (10 pm- 6 m or 11 pm-7 am). The night nurse would get up with the baby so that OP and her husband can sleep. The toddler continues going to daycare.

I would do this for at least 4 months.

OP be a mom. Sheesh. Team DH.

Anonymous wrote:So I'm pregnant with our second child. With our first I tried to be "super mom" and did not hire anyone until a few weeks in when I finally broke down and hired a night nurse a couple nights a week. My husband put up a big fight about this but I overruled him since he wasn't getting up at night (I nursed).

Anyway, this time around, I want to hire a 24/7 baby nurse for at least 3 months since we'll have a toddler to take care of too.

My husband doesn't want to hire anyone even though we can afford it. When I point out that I'm the one who is going to be doing all the work so I don't think it is something he should be able to just veto, he says "I'll help out more this time."

But realistically I don't see that happening.

Our HHI is ~ 775k so we can afford this luxury. I'm really anxious about what it's going to be like taking care of a toddler and a baby at the same time. I think knowing that I'll have this level of support will help calm me down. H doesn't want to spend the money on it though and says that we should just "power through."

How should we resolve this?

Our HHI was similar to yours when our second was born and was significantly higher when our third was born. DH and I both work, although I work part-time (4 days a week) and took 5 months of maternity leave with our second and six with our third. When I was on leave with our second, we sent DC #1 (who was then 2.5) to the daycare he already attended two days per week and otherwise he stayed home. We have always had a housekeeper who comes every other week. Otherwise, we didn’t have any additional help. When our third was born, the older two were in school (elementary and pre-k). During my leave, we had a part-time nanny who worked about 12 hours a week (three mornings). She helped with laundry, light housework, and making the kids’ lunches. If I was up late with the baby, she would take the older two to school while I slept in. Usually one day per week, she would watch the baby for about two hours while I dropped the older two off at school and ran to the gym.

I thought the level of help we had with #3 was perfect, and wish we would have had it with #2. Since I nursed and had to wake up anyway, I don’t think I would have found a night nurse all that helpful.

24/7 care seems excessive. I know a number of people whose HHI is similar to ours, and I don’t know anyone who had that level of help. I’m also a very private person and would not want a non-relative in my house 24/7. It seems that getting some part-time help would be a reasonable compromise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Yes, but OP has options! She should use them.

The only reason she has options is because of her husband's money and he gets that money from working. It is him saying he thinks she should also do some childcare, that he isn't on board with her outsourcing all childcare so it isn't really an option. He may not want multiple people in the house 24/7. He may find it pretentious to put out the the image that to we are so rich, we have 24/7 household help. He may want to be part of his kids lives and not have nannies in the picture 24/7.

I am still convinced this is a young woman with an older man who thought she would never have to lift a finger and neither of them are getting what they thought they had married for.

You sound jealous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Yes, but OP has options! She should use them.

The only reason she has options is because of her husband's money and he gets that money from working. It is him saying he thinks she should also do some childcare, that he isn't on board with her outsourcing all childcare so it isn't really an option. He may not want multiple people in the house 24/7. He may find it pretentious to put out the the image that to we are so rich, we have 24/7 household help. He may want to be part of his kids lives and not have nannies in the picture 24/7.

I am still convinced this is a young woman with an older man who thought she would never have to lift a finger and neither of them are getting what they thought they had married for.

My insanely rich trust fund friend had a 24/7 nurse for 6 weeks then a night nurse for 3 months. You’re being a bit aggressive with your request.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need more help with cleaning. I’m a night nurse and do not do any type of cleaning- not even bottles. Unless you hire a doula, you will be doing cleaning, making meals and laundry while I spend time with your newborn.

I had multiple different night nurses help me out on a temporary basis when my twins were born and they all washed baby bottles. I don’t even know how you could argue that that’s not part of the job. You’re taking care of baby’s needs, and one of those needs is eating.

I’m in Los Angeles and all families have full time housekeepers, so no that’s not my job.

Anonymous wrote:You need more help with cleaning. I’m a night nurse and do not do any type of cleaning- not even bottles. Unless you hire a doula, you will be doing cleaning, making meals and laundry while I spend time with your newborn.

I had multiple different night nurses help me out on a temporary basis when my twins were born and they all washed baby bottles. I don’t even know how you could argue that that’s not part of the job. You’re taking care of baby’s needs, and one of those needs is eating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Of course you didn't, you are at work during the day and not in the house with an active toddler and a newborn all day. I swear, women are so cruel here.

+1
And jealous harpies.

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Of course you didn't, you are at work during the day and not in the house with an active toddler and a newborn all day. I swear, women are so cruel here.

Anonymous wrote:I have four under 8 and a full time job and I never felt the need to hire 24/7 baby nurse. I am sorry, that is just absurd. I did have help when I went back to work, but not 24/7. If you are a SAHM, you got this...and I am with your husband.

Yes, but OP has options! She should use them.