Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, especially not adults, like to be guilted and forced into family or social events.
Invite someone but be totally ok if they come or not. Your choice is to invite them. It is their choice to come or not.

do you not see how entirely banal your insight is? is there anyone who believes OP should kidnap her sister and force her to come? why do people feel they must repeated these trite messages.

everybody understands people have choices. this is precisely why we are criticizing the sister. if she didn't have a choice there would be nothing to object to.

Calling someone a 'jerk' for making a choice that you didn't want them to make doesn't sound like someone who understands that the sister had no obligation to attend this holiday party the OP wants her to.
Can OP be disappointed? Sure. But to call names and fuss for 10 pages about the sister and how aweful she is? Nope.

There you go again. We GET that the sister was not obligated to attend the holidays. She should have declined like a normal person instead of sending passive aggressive, cold flight itineraries as a way to notify them that her previous RSVP of "I will attend" has now changed.

Anonymous wrote:Based on my coworkers and friends groups, those who are white tend to not have as much family close by as those who are not (again, JUST based on my own social circle/life). That in and of itself is a huge determinant as to the frequency and type of contact.

OP is mad because her sister promised to come for "The Holidays" but then sent an itinerary showing she would be elsewhere for the holidays. OP is mad because sister always does this, lives across country and didn't give enough notice. Nothing we or what the sister says will matter to OP. In her mind Sister is a selfish hateful person and is turning her back on their dad.
OP fails to highlight sister WAS there for her dad's health scare (we have no idea what that even is). We have no idea what else Sister is dealing with in her own life. We have no idea if Sister has invited parents out to the Westcoast before and they refuse so she feels no need to travel back again. We just don't know. But the kicker is, neither does OP. She refused to email back asking Sister "Oh, i see you are in Europe over TGiving and Xmas, thought you were coming back here"


Halmark movies aren't real. The white people i know put so much pressure on "The Holidays" being just so, that they will NEVER live up to those standards. Just let people live their own lives.

we also don't know if the father worked 3 shifts to pay for the sister's college or bought her first home. there are countless possibilities. we can only discuss the information as provided by OP (a limitation for sure but intrinsic to the format).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, especially not adults, like to be guilted and forced into family or social events.
Invite someone but be totally ok if they come or not. Your choice is to invite them. It is their choice to come or not.

do you not see how entirely banal your insight is? is there anyone who believes OP should kidnap her sister and force her to come? why do people feel they must repeated these trite messages.

everybody understands people have choices. this is precisely why we are criticizing the sister. if she didn't have a choice there would be nothing to object to.

Calling someone a 'jerk' for making a choice that you didn't want them to make doesn't sound like someone who understands that the sister had no obligation to attend this holiday party the OP wants her to.
Can OP be disappointed? Sure. But to call names and fuss for 10 pages about the sister and how aweful she is? Nope.

calling someone a jerk for making a choice you strongly disapprove of is entirely constant with the acknowledgment that she had a right to make that choice.

the problem with Americans is that they want to understand family relations in terms of rights. but that is complete nonsense and one of he reasons people in many poorer countries are so much happier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, especially not adults, like to be guilted and forced into family or social events.
Invite someone but be totally ok if they come or not. Your choice is to invite them. It is their choice to come or not.

do you not see how entirely banal your insight is? is there anyone who believes OP should kidnap her sister and force her to come? why do people feel they must repeated these trite messages.

everybody understands people have choices. this is precisely why we are criticizing the sister. if she didn't have a choice there would be nothing to object to.

Calling someone a 'jerk' for making a choice that you didn't want them to make doesn't sound like someone who understands that the sister had no obligation to attend this holiday party the OP wants her to.
Can OP be disappointed? Sure. But to call names and fuss for 10 pages about the sister and how aweful she is? Nope.

Anonymous wrote:No one, especially not adults, like to be guilted and forced into family or social events.
Invite someone but be totally ok if they come or not. Your choice is to invite them. It is their choice to come or not.

do you not see how entirely banal your insight is? is there anyone who believes OP should kidnap her sister and force her to come? why do people feel they must repeated these trite messages.

everybody understands people have choices. this is precisely why we are criticizing the sister. if she didn't have a choice there would be nothing to object to.

No one, especially not adults, like to be guilted and forced into family or social events.
Invite someone but be totally ok if they come or not. Your choice is to invite them. It is their choice to come or not.

Based on my coworkers and friends groups, those who are white tend to not have as much family close by as those who are not (again, JUST based on my own social circle/life). That in and of itself is a huge determinant as to the frequency and type of contact.

OP is mad because her sister promised to come for "The Holidays" but then sent an itinerary showing she would be elsewhere for the holidays. OP is mad because sister always does this, lives across country and didn't give enough notice. Nothing we or what the sister says will matter to OP. In her mind Sister is a selfish hateful person and is turning her back on their dad.
OP fails to highlight sister WAS there for her dad's health scare (we have no idea what that even is). We have no idea what else Sister is dealing with in her own life. We have no idea if Sister has invited parents out to the Westcoast before and they refuse so she feels no need to travel back again. We just don't know. But the kicker is, neither does OP. She refused to email back asking Sister "Oh, i see you are in Europe over TGiving and Xmas, thought you were coming back here"


Halmark movies aren't real. The white people i know put so much pressure on "The Holidays" being just so, that they will NEVER live up to those standards. Just let people live their own lives.

Anonymous wrote:I read the first five pages and couldn’t take it anymore.

OP your sister is an incredibly selfish asshole. she doesn’t care for your family. It is what it is and you can’t do anything about I. but she sucks as a sister and a daughter. you are right to be angry even livid.

this forum is frequented by people with no understanding whatsoever of what family is. they are all about “she has a right” “you cant force it” etc. its ok For children to abandon their parents, for parents to leave money to their dogs, for sisters and brothers to never see each other because omg “ they have the right to” and every man is for himself and his own selfish goals. disgusting.

This is the prevailing culture in America now. Individualism rules and each little nuclear family lives on its own island with no responsibilities to any other humans. This board in particular is full of those types. I am not white, but I find these attitudes to be most prevalent with white, upper middle class people or those striving to be upper middle class or considered UMC by others. I don't know what is going on inside these white families, but I see this as the breakdown of the American family. My involved, loud, brown family may be messy at times, but the value in the relationships is so high. No, I don't fall into the camp of allow toxic behavior for family, but there is a middle ground that so many on DCUM clearly do not see.

I'm sorry OP that you are searching for something with your sister that isn't there. Hopefully if you have children you can create something different for them.

I read the first five pages and couldn’t take it anymore.

OP your sister is an incredibly selfish asshole. she doesn’t care for your family. It is what it is and you can’t do anything about I. but she sucks as a sister and a daughter. you are right to be angry even livid.

this forum is frequented by people with no understanding whatsoever of what family is. they are all about “she has a right” “you cant force it” etc. its ok For children to abandon their parents, for parents to leave money to their dogs, for sisters and brothers to never see each other because omg “ they have the right to” and every man is for himself and his own selfish goals. disgusting.

There are some people with serious anger issues on this thread.
Step away. It's OK. Everything's going to be OK.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

OP, given your statements on this thread, and the other thread you started, that's complete BS. You can try to paint it any way you like, but the real issues are obvious.

Frankly, you sound exhausting, and I have some sympathy for your sister.

I haven’t started any other threads. I’m not really sure what you’re referring to.

Again, BS. You've posted before about your relationshiop with your sister.

Anonymous wrote:Uh oh. My sister promised to go to coffee with me this morning but texted she can't make it. Op, should I start a thread? How dare she change plans on me!

Oh, she actually communicated with you properly? She didn't just forward you a flight itinerary?
Not the same thing, then.
Try again.

Uh oh. My sister promised to go to coffee with me this morning but texted she can't make it. Op, should I start a thread? How dare she change plans on me!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

OP, given your statements on this thread, and the other thread you started, that's complete BS. You can try to paint it any way you like, but the real issues are obvious.

Frankly, you sound exhausting, and I have some sympathy for your sister.

I haven’t started any other threads. I’m not really sure what you’re referring to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it truly unreasonable to request an adult child spend the holidays with family after a major medical event?

No, of course not - the operative word being request.

While this family's way of communicating is strange, and OP is trying to make it seem as if that's the issue here, it's obvious that it isn't. The issue is that OP is mad her sister isn't coming because Dad asked. OP thinks it was a summons, not a request.

OP here. That really wasn’t it. The issue is she said she’d come and then, with no explanation, decided to go on vacation instead. I know most of you think it’s fine to do whatever you want with no explanation for your family, but for others of us it’s considered rude.

My parents have spoken with her about it and I am calling her today.

If this is your takeaway from the 11 page thread, I don't know what to tell ya. I hope everything works out for your family.

What's your takeaway then? That doesn't seem that far off to me.